The zero effect

Jazz, coffee and homework

2011-01-31T22:26:00.000-08:00

Good morning!

Right now I'm gulping down my coffee and reading up on some homework before I have to go to school, so I'm pretty stressed -sorry for the short post

I did really good on my "diet" yesterday, almost no slipups, and today the future is looking all pink and bright.
I ended up eating for 1000kalories worth of salad, yoghurt and veggies yesterday. And even though I know it wasn't the lowest of calorie-intakes I still feel better than I did two days ago.

Today I'm writing everything down (just for funsies) and so far I've had:

1 cup of coffee with skim milk : 40cals
50g of fibre cereal with skim milk : 230cals
Total:270cals (if I skipped the cereal I would have been better off calorie wise, but... I can't go from everything to nothing -it never works on me.)

Later I'm goanna have two climetines for snack and then a yoghurt at lunch and salad for dinner, then and a run before Thomas comes home -if everything plans out the way I want :)

See yer later alligator

BTW -very first weigh in on Friday!! I'm scared!

Love Cille

My mom's wedding

2011-01-30T05:03:00.001-08:00

I started school not so long ago and I have to say, I'm really enjoying it.
Firstly because I was bored out of my mind doing noting, secondly because I'm actually really smart (compared to the average anyway).
Overall study-wise I'm doing good.
But, to no ones' surprise, I am eating way to much crap. No fruit and all fries. I know I know... I'm really disgusted by even typing that! I can't help to think the word foodwhore.
I have been piling on weight since November and I am sick of carrying all this extra jiggle around. My shirts are too tight, my panties are too tight even my freaking tights are to tight!
To draw a picture; I've gone from a 12 to a 14 size UK in approximately tree months... Every weight nightmare I've ever had is coming to life!!

My mom's wedding is in seven months from now, which means that I have seven months to loose all my hateweight. Arms, boobs, belly, thighs and ass! It's a "everything most go" sale of fat.

The way to do this?
I have (properly) mentioned this a few times on the blog but lets go through it again so Cille can keep up, shall we?

1) Motivation. It is vital for any weight loss to stay focused and to keep the goal in mind at all times.To get motivated enough to enduring a "diet" you can do all sorts of things. Carry thinspo around all day. Snap your wrist with a rubberband every time you want to eat. Eat naked in front of the mirror. All that crazy stuff. Personally I prefer to write down the reasons I want to loose weight and then pull them out mentally when I need to.
Top 3 motivating reasons to stay on track:

Fashion -reading magazines, checking blogs, watching fashion shows and model/designer documenteries. Every time I see a dress I know I can't wear because of my fat boobs or belly I feel like running 5 miles!!

Health -keep up with diet/work out trends. I wanna look like I'm 25 at the age of 40, and unhealthy overweight people usually don't.

The high -Spending waaay to more time than mentally healthy looking at myself. But there is nothing better than to stand in front of a mirror and love the way you look. At rare occasions it happens to me and it feels so awesome!

2) Action. One thing is to think "I want to get thin" an other is to do something about it!
I usually start my diet periods with:

Cleaning out my fridge and stocking up on green.

Rejoining the gym or gym classes -but since I'm broke that will have to wait till March. I'm running with my boyfriend instead.

Taking the bike to school instead of the bus.

Saying "no thank you!"

NEVER EVER buying candy/cake/non diet soda -not even for anybody else.

Drinking tea/homemade sugarfree ice tea/water/diet soda -nonstop!

Weighing myself every week -Friday 06:00am.

Eating vitamin pills.

3) Endurance: the hardest thing for me is this step... I almost always fall of the wagon after a couple of weeks but the advices to keep going sound something like this:

Stay motivated!

Don't go to extremes when it comes to diets -lemonade, cabbage soup, cotton ball diet...

Treat yourself a piece of dark chocolate once in a while. (I don't think so...)

Don't eat the same menu over and over again -it causes craves.

Reword yourself with spa/massages/clothes as your weight loss progresses.

Jup, so that's all for now everybody. If you have any tips I am more than glad to post them :)
Love Cille

X-mas

2010-12-09T01:42:00.000-08:00

It's that time a year again, and we all know what this means.

Fatty artery clotting food unmistakeably involving; creamy thick sauce, dry sponge cake, mountains of powder sugar, veggies fried up in syrupy syrup and of cause the cold weather. Brr.

Lucky I have been raised to hate Christmas food and everything about this deadly tradition that is "The Feast". And for that I can't help but to love my mom even more! It's not like she slapped my fingers as I would take a second slice of the glazed pork -she just doesn't like the Danish Christmas food, and as a five year old I would mimic her. I still do in many ways.
Ergo, I'm never that worried about having to sit at a table for hours on end with fat on my plate. What really worries me is the chocolate, cake, nougat, rice pudding, cherry sauce, honey roasted nuts, AND alcohol! I have a soft spot for all those things and Christmas is the time where I have to say no three time as much.

So far it's December the 9th and I haven't gained any weight. I want to keep it that way, and I want to loose weight in January where I'm starting school again.

I can't help but to feel that the constant "no"ing is somehow empowering. I like not eating. Not so much the hunger, but the "I don't feel hungry, so I don't eat" feel. I don't have to think so hard about the consistences of what I eat if I don't eat! Eureka!
Of course I put something in my mouth sometimes, like this morning, a banana. And sometimes I eat something the old me would have purged, like yesterday, rice pudding and (heavenly) cheese cubes with figs.
Admitted, I was thinking about purging it, but the whole sticking my fingers down my throat seems a little... Overrated. I don't... Feel the need to do that so much any more. Of course when Thomas had taken a surprise video of me reading and I saw how unbelievably fat I looked, I was annoyed that I didn't purge those treacherous cheese cubes. But as I turned over and laid in the nudge of Thompson's arm I forgot all about the purging and more about how I could justify my action. I hadn't had more that two pieces of toast, a latte and a small portion of salmon salad the entire day. Justified.
I still feel guilty that I can't seem to wheel myself in the times of family cosiness, but... I guess I'm human to the bone when it comes to watching a film with my mom, stepdad and little sister (she's two = extremely cute).

Love Cille
Merry Christmas (even though it's a horrid food season)

Three months

2010-11-17T05:30:00.000-08:00

Has it really been tree months since I last posted something about my life?
I guess there hasn't been anything to post. It's so boring being ordenarry. Being sane. Fat.

I got boothed from my job because of cut downs and now I'm unimploied again. BORING!
I'm starting school in January. Single classes to finish my exsam. Yawn.
And, wait for it, I'm super FAT!

I've been in a meditative state theese last months. Not thinking about what I put in my mouth. When to sleep or what to do. Everything has just kinda happened, you know? By it self, and without me knowing, life is just drifting by.

I'm turning 20 in January... Geez I was just getting used to telling people I was 19 and that we are in the 2010!
Soon I'll be 20 and the year'll be 2011...

My life is passing and I do not want to spend my youth on being fat! I can get fat when I'm old and about to die anyway. But not now. Not now when my boobs are still in the upper body area and I'm wrinkle-free.

But I can't do this on my own. I'm too weak alone. I think I need my bulimia to be my trumph. To save me when I screw up -which I will at some point, because... Everybody does... But with a bulimia it's not all or nothing. With that I can have my cake and eat it too -quite litterally.
I feel really disgusted with myself that I'm so greedy!!

Love Cille

coffee and jeans

2010-09-15T09:23:00.000-07:00

Good evening lovelies

So I slipped on the 'no-coffee-from the coffee shop' today, but the rest of my plan sticks. To make up for the (awesome) cup of iced-coffee I skipped the yoghurt and lunch. I still think the yoghurt+lunch would have left me with fever calories and a healthier gut flora, but... I'm human, as little as I would like to admit to that, and I sometimes give in to temptation... Ah, life would be so much easier if I would remember to use my brain when I'm hungry and tired.

Today has been a tough working day. I ran up and down the stairs, carrying a shit load of jeans, to tag and untag clothes for a small sale we're having at the store. I felt like I could've fainted, but with every step I thought: exercise if healthy, I need exercise, if it hurts it means that I'm loosing weight! Just one more step! And don't you dare to sit down, you lard-ass!

Tomorrow is my day off, thank havens, and I'm planning on meeting up with a good friend and having a cup of coffee downtown. I'm goanna take your advise, ~Nessa~ , and have a skim milk ice latte -no syrup -no sugar to compensate for my addictive ice-blend. I would love to have a morning run but my gym shoes are at my other apartment because I forgot to get them today. ARG I hate living two places!

Lovely love
Cille

Better late than never

2010-09-14T12:22:00.001-07:00

Ever since I got this job as a store assistant, I've been so famished and exhausted that the second I get off, I'm running (in my new super cute kitten heel LV inspired shoes) to the nearest coffee shop to get a huge caffeine packed Ice latte/smootie. They are so good, with an after-taste of caramel and espresso, that I can literally feel energy flowing through me just after one drag.
BUT, they are unhealthy, fattening and, not to be forgotten, expensive (like 6 bucks!)

So, as you know I'm all about thinking forward, and I am 99% sure that if I eat during my non-existent break and plan what I'm goanna eat when, I can avoid the THREE coffee shops on my 5 minutes bus ride home.

Here's the plan for the next week I wrote in my calender:

Wednesday 15/09:
Morning - 1 blueberry smoothie
Snack - 1 cup of yoghurt
Lunch - 1 piece of toasted dark wholegrain bread + a salad
Dinner - tomato/onion salad + 1 slice of veggi lasagne
Exercise - 1hour pilates

Thursday 16/09:
Morning - coffee/green tea + 1 egg + 1 piece of dark wholegrain bread
Snack - an apple
Lunch - Chicken salad
Dinner - half og whats served
Exercise - 50 sit-ups, 20 push'ups, 50 ball squats (I take a pilates ball up between a wall and my back and then squat) + a morning run (min 2km-max 5km)

Friday 17/09:
Morning - 1 apple 1 ricecake with light spread cheese + soya milk
Snack - carrots
Lunch - soup + bread
Dinner - don't know yet for sure, but properly steak and baked potato (Thomas might be coming home!)
Exercise - resting day, but 20 push-ups didn't kill nobody.

Saturday 18/09:
Morning - egg-white omelet with broccoli + 1 apple
Snack - cucumber sticks
Lunch - soup
Dinner - ? Depends on if I eat at my mom's, in that case -always only half of what's served
Exercise - 1 hour fitness centre

Sunday 19/09:
Morning - 1 cup of yoghurt + a smoothie
Snack - 12 pieces of fruit
Lunch - a dark wholegrain sandwich w. tuna
Dinner - donno
Exercise - 45 minutes yoga

Monday 20/09:
Morning - oatmeal with milk and raisins
Snack - 3 carrots
Lunch - seafood wholegrain pastasalad
Dinner - donno
Exercise - 1 hour pilates

That's it. I don't know if you guys can use my plan to anything at all, but at least I think I can.
Tomorrow awaits another rough no-break day at the shop.

Sleep tight and don't let the bedbugs bite
love
Cille

01:00

2010-09-13T15:02:00.000-07:00

I hate this.
Waiting for something to trigger me to become somebody else is beyond boresome, not to mention devastating.

I want to do and be more but I keep waiting for a sign to take action.

I loath myself so much when I'm alone, it's hard even to do the dishes. I hate myself. This body, personality and mind seems so out of place in the world I sometimes forget how to walk properly when going to the store. I live on the outside of my life. Spending endless hours reading about imaginary worlds and burdening myself with imaginary emotions. Reading the same pages again and again to pickle the moment in a little jar in my head. I feel wrong. I am wrong. Fake. Lifeless. Misplaced. Odd. Awkward. F.A.T.
I know that if I was skinnier, people would think my insanity to be a little more cute and a little less appalling.

Thomas has been in Saudi Arabia (his a businessman) for over a month. He calls me every night and says that he misses me and that he loves me, I repeat his words in my high pinched voice spattered with something close to remorse, and then hang up.
I hate myself so much less when his close to me.

Maybe that's why I'm being so fucked up at the moment. Thomas always tone down my crazy... Just a notch. God how I wish he was here to pet my hair and kiss me... I don't really remember how it feels to be kissed? Can that be right? Does the sensation go away this quickly?
Then I'm screwed if he dies...
I'm pretty sure I would die too...

Confused and tired love
Cille

2010-09-12T15:21:00.000-07:00

I wish I was tiny.

The conscious camillion

2010-09-12T14:08:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel restlessly numb?
Like your soul's been shot up on a mix between horse tranquilliser and speed.
Or is that just me?

It's like this; I want to feel something so bad that I'm pushing myself through emotions that aren't even real!
Last night I watched P.s. I love you -which is a pretty emotional movie, and I put myself so much in the place of the protagonist that I cried 30 minutes after the credits had rolled! I wandered around the apartment, sobbing and didn't sleep until around half past three in the morning because I felt my "beautiful Irish husband had died"...
And this tendency to overly react to unreal situations is really becoming my (quite unwanted) trademark. I've done this since... Forever, I guess, when I think about it.

I think I was about 6 the first time it happened. I was mindlessly scanning the telly for Cartoon Network to see what time it was (I estimated my time through cartoons -power puff girls = early morning, Tom and Jerry = late afternoon, Dexter = dinnertime) when I hit an old TCN war movie that caught my eye.
It was two soldiers in the middle of the icy woods of (I suppose) Russia. It was dead quiet and snowing in this scene and one of the soldier's legs were missing. His comrade hugged his upper body while the legless guy screamed in pain. In that moment I could feel how the ice and snow was gnawing into the leftover stumps of thigh. I could feel the despair of being all alone and helpless in the cold. And, it felt like I was going to fall apart.
Tears came streaming down my face like never before and I cried out all the emotions that had so suddenly washed over me.

Wow, such an odd memory... And I remember every detail about it. The smell, the bad reception, my sweet Mom striding across the living room with confused eyes.

Hmm...
If I ever write a self-biography (a reflection of Cecilie Pedersen -a spiteful and spacey bulimic) that memory will evidently take up a chapter.

Love

Devils dancefloor

2010-09-11T15:18:00.000-07:00

Aaah, so good evening lovelies.

Having a nice weekend so far? Mine has been exhausting!

I got a job at NEXT (thanks for your support) as a shop assistant, so that's good. I don't get paid in diamonds, if you know what I mean, but it should do for rent and the basics. The job itself is really good for my social persona and to burn calories. I meet new people every day when I'm working the sales floor AND I have to stand up in 5 hours straight (no breaks if you work under 5 hours per day)! That part is actually a lot harder than you'd think. I worked on Friday and then again today and my legs/back/feet haven't been this torn up since my London shopping trip. Boy... It burns, when you're just a regular "Joe" like me, to stand that long in flats.

The boss is really nice and so are my co-workers, but they are all, (seriously) size xsmall. Short and petite. I feel like giant fat Viking next to those girls! I'm tall-ish and big framed with crazy big blond hair. I hate it when I don't blend in because of my size.
So to solve this -properly delusional- problem, I've decided that the expression: "I am hungry" those exact words in that exact order will NEVER leave my mouth again when in the presence of others. I find them weak and they always leave a bad taste in my mouth so now, I shall never utter them again.

And to answer you question, yes, I have gone completely and entirely mad. Heh.

Type to you later loves.

Love Cille

Ground zero

2010-08-30T04:20:00.000-07:00

Haw'ye do everybody!

I sure am two fries short of a happy meal today!
Why? I'll tell you why!
I lost my two vacation pounds!! Woohoo! Go me *doing the happy dance*!
Back at ... pounds! Now there's only 50lbs to go. Still a LOT but at least I quit gaining!

Super duper then. My plan today was ultimately "don't eat", but we all know that usually ends in vomit and tears. Instead I'll try to stay below 500-1000cals today and then harvest the effect tomorrow.
I haven't eaten breakfast yet, only flushed one cup of coffee down at nine, so I guess I should eat something... But what? That's the question. I think I'll go with a brunch solution. Egg-white omelet on toasted dark wholegrain bread and fried tomatoes. No butter. No oil (my parents have this awesome pan -no grease needed).

Exercise? No problem I have to run all over town in heels today (job interviews) so I think I got it covered.

Wish me luck on diet and job lovelies!

Love Cille

Cherry on top

2010-08-25T06:46:00.000-07:00

Hello lovelies!

Gosh, I'm so tired! Went to the gym yesterday -which wore me totally out- and again today. My arms, shoulders, butt and inner thighs are hurting like hell right now, but least it's the good kind of pain. I'll take the pain over the fat any day -and you know it!
My routine yesterday was intense and today I slacked it a little. 1km run (yeah yeah not nearly good enough but it gets my blood flowing just fine) then weights for 45 minutes. Finishing with pilates/yoga stretch and exercise.

Eating has been good... ish. I would wish I hadn't eaten some stuff but all in all I've made the better choice. The only slip I had was just now. I binged on 1 and a half piece of leftover pastry, but it's already out of my system. No worries.

I haven't weighed myself since the day after my return to Dk and at that point it was... High... Lets just say that. I gained a kg on Malta and it's killing me! It's so fucked up that I can't lose weight! I'm doing everything by the book! Or... Okay not everything, but I'm trying the best I can.

The next thing on my list is; late lunch, I always tend to push lunch close to dinner when I'm at my moms, so that I don't pig out on whatever (FAT) that might be served by my mom's boyfriend (better safe than sorry).
I'm starving right now, since I've only had a cup of coffee and a boiled egg today. Mmmmh, I can almost hear the salad I made this morning calling to me.
Okay gross, my mouth is watering!

(Brigitte Bardot -so gorgeous)

Hungry love
Cille

Back -also from Malta

2010-08-22T09:48:00.000-07:00

Good evening everybody!

I am so SO sorry that I have been away for that long and eternally grateful that you all just kept on following. That's just wonderful!
The reason I've been gone is not that complicated.
Food has been too depressing to blog about, so therefore no blogging.

I'm fat and gaining and I have been lying to everybody (including myself) that it was okay, that I was okay. Somehow I really felt I was, okay, that is. I felt that I didn't care about weight and that I loved my "curves", but along came summer. A hot HOT summer, that required a very light dress code. Lose, lose, lose, situation: I'm fat in a bikini. Other girls are sexy in a bikini, and those who aren't -are fat, floppy and pale and I look just like them.
EVERYTHING is triggering and it's quite depressing. Ah about that I have taken myself off the anti depressing pills and that's really great! I'm officially NOT depressed any more, and that's a relief! Depression is such a buzz kill.

I just spend a week on the island Malta. It was a family vacation without Thomas (because he's in Quatar for business) and therefore not a pure rush of action. But then again vacations aren't meant to be that I guess..

It was so hot on Malta, and our room was without aircon. I was melting, and by the end of the week I was just a puddle on the floor. Or, I would have been, if it wasn't for the pool. The feel of being in icy water in the midday sun (37C in DK terms) is indescribable. Pure bliss.
The only problem is the walk of shame from the shaded lounger to the poolside. God I hate it, more than I hate when I can't find the calorie description. Fortunately the resort we stayed on was a family place so there weren't too many skinny girls with beady loathing eyes. Some, of course, but not a lot. The beach was worse, and we only went once.

The food was horrible! Fried, fried, fried! Lots of white bread, fat and bad service! Malta's kitchen sucks but at least that made me eat less.
I b&p'ed once on fluffy taffy (DO NOT DO THAT! HURTS LIKE HELL) and ice tea. My throat was on fire the rest of the holiday. The rest of the time I just purged. Ice cream and stuff are hard to avoid, easy to dispose.
I ate 3 meals a day, sometimes just 2, and they mostly consisted of:

Breakfast - fruit + wholegrain bread with a little jam or turkey + coffee

Lunch - salad or sandwich

Dinner - fish, salad or meat with potato (boiled/fried)

And snacks: unsweetened ice tea/coffee/fruit/diet coke/ginger cookies from Nairns (48cals per biscuit) or nuts. And I drank in average 4L of water everyday.
To get enough exercise was tricky because of the life-threatening heat, but I found the pool to be a somewhat acceptable solution. I guess I spend 20% of my day, every day, in water.

All in all a nice vacation with my mom, her fiancée and my baby sister. AND I maintained (or perhaps even jump started) my perfect 'skinny mission' routine. I missed you, welcome back.

So that's that lovelies! take care and type to you later
If you have any questions, just ask

Love Cille

Sun and grass

2010-06-17T02:04:00.000-07:00

Good morning girls.

So thanks for your great advice on the last post, I would love if you had some more!
But both the raw food diet and the lemonade diet is really hard to maintain with Thomas in the house. He would immediately be on my case about how I'm having a setback in recovery (which he would be right about...) and force me back in group. And, and, and, I haven't quite built up the discipline to go on a liquid diet yet.

Yesterdays food was a mess:
10.30 = Yoghurt (100g)
12.00 = piece of bred w salmon
15.30 = Bun w light cheese
19.00 = Pasta (in cream sours)
20.00 = Cherries strawberries + 2 mini muffins
- No purge 'cause of Thomas

It's a bit sad looking at it now... Not thaaat much food but a lot of crappy calories... Damn.

Today I started with 200g of yoghurt (160cal + 2,6g fat) and a cigarette (+1L of water).
So started good!! Weeh! For once!!!
I'm going to my mom's later and I guess we're going shopping. Looking forward to it!

Bring on the DIET TIPS girls!!! I adore them all!

Love Cille

2010-06-15T00:32:00.001-07:00

Good morning people

I have a ton of things to do today and no idea how I'm goanna do them all!
But First and for most, I would like to welcome all the new followers who has joined the page the past months! Hello! And apologize for my crappy mood (which properly has reflected in my posts) and the lack of posts in general! Sorry!

I have been joggling some thoughts on how I can lose all my floppy tummy/thigh fat in time of Roskilde Festival (tree weeks tops) without driving myself insane!
I have to eat and I have to have time for life. Those are my only criterias.
Does it make me sound like I'm not dedicated to loosing weight, or is it just me? I mean everybody is asking the question "how do I loose weight?" and the answer is pretty simple -don't eat... But I CAN'T not eat for tree weeks, it would make me loose my mind! And besides I would die of binging.

I'm planning to make a beautiful mix of diet, diet pills and exercise. (Please dear god I can keep this from Thomas until I'm done!!)

Diet: ?
Pills: ? (Lipo Femme, Anoretix -yes it's really called that, Phentermine, Therma power, Xenical, Acomplia and/or Reductil) These are just some of the pills I have been researching.
Supplements: Bio C.L.A. + T, Weighlevel
Exercise: 4x7 days

My question to you guys is now:
What diet have worked best for you?
And/or have you experience with diet pill and which was the best?
Do you know any of the pills I have listed? DO they work?

Lots of love
Cille

...

2010-06-12T03:56:00.000-07:00

It is Saturday today.

I feel like shit.
My apartment look like a war zone. I got my period (even though it isn't time yet). My legs are unbelievably fat. I have nothing to wear. I smell like puke. My hair is rotten and keeps falling out! Yesterday I failed my exam. I gained 2kg. I ate cake. I considered suicide two days ago.
I DISGUST MYSELF. My mum and Thomas keeps asking if I took my pills. My head hurts.

And right now I'm hungry and have no fucking idea what to eat -cause' I'm fat.

Today SUCKS!!! I FUCKING HATE TODAY!
I feel like banging my head against the wall till my skull cracks open so all the thoughts can get out!

Knows those days?

All the love I have
Cille

The smell of sunshine

2010-06-09T03:04:00.000-07:00

I want some sun!!

Love Cille

Dark side

2010-06-08T14:26:00.000-07:00

Here the other night the (normally quiet) poet in me felt like taking over for a while, so I filled page after page about how it fells to be in my shoes and how I would love to kick those clogs off!

I'll admit the poems themselves doesn't make that much sense if you don't live in my head, but then who else is goanna read them except me?
I'm defently NOT posting them here -it would be to cruel to expose you guys to THAT. Heh. But it felt really wonderful to just get it down on paper -I recommend it.

So... Today I didn't weigh myself but I "felt" light this morning so I didn't want destroy that feel-good-feeling with a number. Not today.

Thomas is in Japan this week, lucky bastard -although it's work I still envy him. He promised to bring some healthy dried fish back to me, which sounds really nasty, but I LOVE strange food -especially fish, and some other odd stuff! Japan is sooo weird! I LOVE IT! Cosplay, umbrella hats, raw seafood BRING IT ON! Hmph... Lucky him.

In the meanwhile I'm studying (read: should be studying) for my oral German exam. It's on Friday and I'm am nowhere ready for facing such a challenge at this point. I feel so... Empty in life right now. A little suicidal, but aren't we all at some point in life, and a little depressed. But I'll be fine. I just don't know how the hell I'm goanna get though those shitty exams!! Damn.
Any suggestions?

Lots of love Cille

I love this picture

2010-06-05T14:31:00.000-07:00

It's a wild world

2010-06-05T12:59:00.000-07:00

My week has been goodish. The finals really suck though. I feel like it went okay with the stuff I had to put down on paper but I have no clue how well it actually went...

The stress is completely tearing me apart. All the tests and talk about the future is really spinning my head. Can't people just live in the now??
I had a minor "breakdown" that lasted two-tree days last week. I think I need to go to the doctor and get his opinion on the doses of anti depressives I'm taking at the moment. I blame the BD on them. That's a little easier then analysing myself.

The food has been good. I have been controlling but not totally obsessive, which was my ultimate goal! Unfortunately I don't think it's goanna last - I can actually already feel myself getting more and more aware of the difficulty that comes with thinking about food. And dreaming about it.
I just tend to not eat because it's too complicated and too hard with all that's going on at the moment! I have to stay in control all the time and that's exhausting -which I'm pretty sure you all recognize.
Everything is an Everest I have to climb. Even taking a thorough bath and doing something to my hair is too much (don't worry I finally got myself to take a bath after a week -yes ew)! Even putting on clothes! I must really look like a hobo at the moment -it's a surprise Thomas haven't left me yet... I'm smelly, fat, ugly and really just a humongous wet blanket.

I weighed in at 69.3kg today. Got a "fake bake" (hate the sun - the only colour it adds to me, is red) and stayed in front of the computer all day. Boooring. My mum has more fun than me!
It was beautiful weather today! Not a cloud in sight, and that rare in Denmark. Thomas went sailing, my mum and Jesper and my baby sis went to Christiania, my dad and his gang went to the park, and me? I stayed at home nursing my misery and watching Tomb Raider...

At least my mood has begun to improve. I don't cry all the freaking time. I don't space out while thinking about how or if I should take my own life and last but not least I can now laugh when my boyfriend tickles my instead of dissolve in angry tears.... Yay me...

I'm really worried about my summer. The endless expectations of party, festival and happy days is getting on my nerves. I can't really explain why I feel so annoyed that everyone just want to hang out with me, but I think it's the disorder that's trying to get me all for itself, and I admit, it is hard to fight against it.
The question weather I should go on the Roskilde Festival with all my fellow graduations is seriously twisting my arm. I know if I don't go I'll properly regret it, but if I go I'm trapped with a bunch of happy people that don't know me to the core (not to mention beer and junkfood) -and that scares the hell out of me... I guess I just have to make a pro and con list.

Love Cille

Ronja Røverdatter

2010-05-30T13:32:00.000-07:00

Well good evening my birdies!

I just finished my book, Robber's Daughter (posts title on Danish) by Astrid Lindgren, and I have this melancholic feeling in my chest... It was a wonderful book filled with laughter and I LOVE that book (4. time I read it) but now it over (again)...

Don't you know that feeling? Whenever you finish a good book or film you get "aaaah it's finished" feeling but at the same time "AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED!?".
I guess I have that sad mixture of endings -in general- swirling around in my body so sorry if this post is a bit well... Melancholic.

I had pilates at 10 o'clock (as always these Sundays) and I ate breakfast -fruit, and then started to hit the books... Or my intention was to start hitting the book after I had devoured my peach/banana/watermelon bowl, but if you know me at all you would also know that I NEVER do what I'm supposed to when it comes to school.
So I powered up the computer before giving the book and my exam another thought.
Stupid me.

Buuut you goatta do what you goatta do. I guess. No changing that now ( don't you just hate when people point out something so obvious as "you can't go back in time!")
I HATE MYSELF FOR THAT!!!
Lazy, fat, ugly and stupid me! God...

Okay boring post.

Wish me luck tomorrow (read: cross your fingers I won't flunk)

Lots of love Cille

I think I'll die another day!

2010-05-28T02:17:00.000-07:00

I woke an hour ago and felt like life is goanna turn out okay. Today.
No giant breakdown.
No real binging.

Maybe this post will make better sense if I tell about what a day from hell yesterday was.
I had the first of my final exams -English.
I went fine. I was fine... Until I wasn't.
I had just walked away from the test-room when suddenly the entire sky just came crashing down on me! I felt like I was cracking in half! I couldn't breathe or speak or stand existing any-more!!
Hysterically I grabbed my phone and got a hold of Thomas (boyfriend trough 3 years). He picked up after only two rings and asked how the test went.
The only problem was just that I seriously couldn't form a sentence! I was a mess! The only thing I really could say was something like: "I don't know... I feel. It bad? I... No."
He apparently understood my panic language and started to calm me down by telling me the simplest things: "breathe Cille. Walk to the bus. Come home and I will be home too."
In that moment I just felt so unbelievable thankful for such a wonderful man existed in my world.
I got home and Thomas fetched my from the station.
At that point I still couldn't compliment an entire sentence but Thomas just held my hand tight and assured me that I wouldn't fly away as long as I held on tight too.

Do not ask me what just happened there!
I guess it was some kind of panic attack? That school will be over soon and I have to manage life on my own? Like an actual adult!

I don't know... But today as I said it, life will be manageable.
Last night I had a Nightmare about my teeth falling out and I was on seriously dangerous drugs. That my mom was ashamed of me and all I loved just faded away before my eyes (including my teeth heh). That's where I realised...
It could be worse!

So have a good day everybody!!

Love Cille

Are you ready to get thin?

2010-05-26T03:28:00.000-07:00

I know I am girls!

But first a little side note.
To minaralou: the centre (or the therapists) didn't really MAKE me do anything. Truth is I just didn't care what I ate for a time and I lost my grasp on holding a low weight as a hardcore overeater/bulimic... They ONLY make seriously underweight girls put on weight or seriously obese ones to loose... So... It's really just my own fault.
To disappear dorian: Thanks. And I know I talk a lot of crap about the centre, but it really isn't that bad. The therapists are really sweet and understanding and the girls in my group give a lot of support to each other and, of course, to the side of me that wants to be ED-free.

Now, let's cut to case, I want/need to loose some weight to be happy in my life as me. I weighed in at 69kg this morning and I want to weigh 55kg at the end of July.
I want to loose weight on my thighs, tummy, boobs, arms and face... Basically ALL OVER! Heh.

The way to do that is by using the tools I have. My general knowledge about food and body, my fitness centre and my bulimia...

Every time I eat something of my naughty list it CAN NOT stay in my system!! I WILL NOT HAVE IT! I will ONLY eat from my goodie list ;)
I will drink min. 2L water everyday
I have to plan every evening meal so I don't binge in junk
I will write down everything I eat (but I already do that for therapy)
I will work out 4 times a week -3x1 hour pilates 1x1,5 hours fitness
I will NOT eat over 1000kcal a day (so count count count!)
I will sleep 8 hours every night!
I will not give up if I slip, I'll just keep on trying!
Every choice is chosen to be one step closer to thin.

One week from now I will evaluate on my plan and then I can add one more or elaborate what needs to be altered.

So that's the plan, and I honestly think I can do it. Here is some summer thinspo to set me off!

Love Cille

I can live on cigarettes

2010-05-24T09:27:00.000-07:00

I am NOT giving up on my skinny dream!

It's my last day in group therapy next Monday, and honestly? I'm really excited! Or my ED is... Whatever! I really like that I can look forward to do whatever I want without limitations from The Milestone (ED recovery centre) but I also know how this sounds...
But... Perhaps I'm just not "there" yet. I don't think I'm ready to give up my eating disorder...

I am, however, goanna give up being fat.
I'm 171cm tall and weighed in this morning at 70kg and I look FAT! I know it, and everybody else knows it too.

This summer I'm goanna look freaking slammin' in a bikini and not cringe every time it time for a poolpose! I am goanna smile every time I walk by a reflection and wink at myself! I'm goanna wear all the wonderful short dresses and be beautiful! AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST, I AM GOANNA FEEL GOOD IN MY OWN SKIN!

Okay... So I got the pep talk in place -now I just need a plan...
I thourght about joining "The Skinny Patch" but I kinda like making my own. That's a part of the "fun" for me (yes I'm perhaps funny that way).

I'll post it in the next post girls : )

Love Cille

A dream about god

2010-05-16T12:50:00.000-07:00

I hate my boobs. No, really, I do.
I hate my hips.
I hate my broad shoulders.
I overall hate my large frame! I take too much space in space...
I want to be small. Little. Tiny.
Perhaps like a child?
No boobs, no hips, no signs of being an adult who has to take responsibility.

Today I feel asleep on the sofa after pilates. I had a dream about angels and demons, and god. Jup god -and I'm not really an religious person, but I had a dream about god. God was a woman. Beautiful and looked a bit like an singer from the 1930's. I dreamt that we fought the demons and won and as an reword for my hard work I was granted two wishes.
Guess what I wished for...
"I want to be thin and rich please!!" God shook her head and snapped her fingers... Poof! I was what I wanted, but I didn't feel any different!
Then I woke up.
Symbolic or what!?

Love
Cille

Make me strong!!!

2010-05-16T08:23:00.001-07:00

Hey girls!
Welcome back! I'm really flattered that so so SO many are following my blog! When I started I thought that nobody in the entire world would ever read my rather avarge words. So I'm really glad that somebody do, and that I'm writing something people can use or reflect to.

Jup.
I am not doing so hot with my big fight with bulimia.Lately the urge to loose weight has been so strong that I'm falling back into my old pattern. Starve, binge, purge and starve again. My boyfriend has been so great about this whole thing and he has really become a strong allay but I feel like I'm being such a burden in his life that I don't wanna ask for help when I seriously need it!

Hmm. I weighed in at 68,07kg this morning (naked) and I was really happy for a moment! All like: "YAY!! GO ME!" But then I remembered that, that kind of emotion is a no-no (when you are trying to get rid of and ED) and that's the ED cheering -not me!
Shit. So I got all depressed because of the "naughty feeling" and how I still let the eating disorder get the best of me.

I went to pilates class (greatest form of workout EVER) at nine am and it was swell, but right after I went to the bakery and bought two mini cream and strawberry pies to me and Thomas... I don't know why I did it 'cause I didn't really feel the urge to something sweet... Maybe to sabotage myself?
I don't know. But I have been eating okay today. Both recording to my ED-recovery program AND recording to myself. The only "slip" was the mini pie and too much diet coke AND I'm properly goanna eat some chocolate I have in the kitchen.

So to avoid (future) binging I'm goanna put some (ED recovery) quotes and pictures on my kitchen cabinets to remind myself to THINK!
The ones that really caught my eye are these:

Self-love is the instrument of our preservation. - Voltaire

When the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, it may be that they take better care of it there. - Cecil Selig

You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. - Buddha

What a lovely surprise to finally discover how unlonely being alone can be. - Ellen Burstyn

Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.- Thomas Edison

Forget past mistakes. Forget failures. Forget about everything except what you're going to do now - and do it. - William Durant

You don't have to control your thoughts; you just have to stop letting them control you.- Dan Millman

Fall seven times, stand up eight. - Japanese proverb

If one is a Greyhound, why try to look like a Pekingese? - Edith Sitwell

If you're going through hell, keep going. -Winston Churchill

Lots of love

Cille

Lovely

2010-05-06T08:16:00.001-07:00

Good morning girls.

It's awfully grey in the DK right now but I'm positive it's goanna be a good day!
I weighed in a 69,7 and that, what, about 154lbs? (why does lbs have to be such a big number?)

Well, so that's a start. Today I', goanna talk to my study counselor about the future -which is really hard for me, but I'll just have to get it over with!!

Then I'll swing by the pharmacy to get my "pills" (the pill) and perhaps look at some supplements to burn fat faster. I'm still not sure if I want to try Alli, just to see how bad it is... But I guess they wouldn't do me any good in the end, since I'm bulimic and restrictive in my eating habits not that much fat is left to be flushed out with Alli.

What else is on my mind... Ah yes, I have started to train at least 4 times a week (3 x pilates 1x just regular fitness). I AM IN LOVE WITH PILATES!!!
Already after my second class of it I felt "tighter" and it isn't all that sweaty! If you don't know what pilates is, which I'm sure you do, it's exercise based on tension and building up the mussels around the spine. It's sometimes really difficult ('cause of the technique) and hard ('cause you have to hold the tension in you abs ALL THE frigging' TIME) but not in the "I just ran 10km" kind of way. That's why I like it so much. I hate pulse training most of the time. It's sweaty, hot, painful and overall boring!

So I do pilates and run.

And I can already see the results a tiny bit. My tights are a little tighter and my butt a little rounder, heh.

So that's it for today I guess...
I'm goanna grab some breakfast and a cup of tea!

Love Cille

Too complicated!!

2010-05-01T07:47:00.000-07:00

It shouldn't be this hard to lose weight!
I mean when I look around on the street and there are tons of thin, lean, slender or skinny girls out there! How the F do they do it? What's the big secret?

Perhaps a healthy relationship with food? But honestly, come on, no woman on the planet has that!
What about some random miracle diet? Blaaaah!
I am seriously so sick of hunting down the new fabulous diet that everyone is on in Hollywood. It's all crap! Diet pills, diet drinks, detox diets, no carbs, no meat, no veggies, no nothing!
The only way to get the body you want is though pain and hard work -and we know it!
But am I the only one who think that sucks?

(Just some frustrating thoughts I had in my head, heh, sorry for sounding so negative.)

Anywho, I am hungry like a tiger but I just don't have the energy to eat, mentally I mean. It's just too darn complicated to eat now a days.

I think I'm goanna go with some fish on wholegrain bread and perhaps a smoothie a little later... Or not. Probably not.

Love
Cille

A question I ask myself over and over again

2010-04-30T13:21:00.000-07:00

Why am I hungry?

When I don't wanna eat... I HATE EATING!! I freaking fucking hate it! I know that as humans we have to have something in the system, but why do I then choose to munch on crackers instead of apples? Why do I deliberately choose to eat the wrong thing?

I think I'm a food masochist...

Quick words about my day:
I woke up to the annoying sound of my boyfriend opening the blinds and the sunlight piercing my eyes! Very nice indeed yes.
And then I made breakfast. Eggs and bacon and one wholegrain bun -WITH NUTELLA (see what I mean by masochist?). I knew I couldn't purge 'cause Thomas was in the living room so I just felt how the food I just had consumed started to burn and decompose in my insides... Wow I feel so so so disgusted by myself even typing this...
Then my period kicked in! Ouch! I think my period pains can be measured to be a 7 out of 10 on the pain scale.
Great, puffy in pain and of course hungry I spend my day in front of my computer. Forcing to make time pass by watching Gossip Girl and Grey's Anatomy on Casttv.com...

Oh my god, to think you guys are actually interested in my boring boring life heh ;)

That was my day, I haven't been eating since morning but GOD HOW I WANT TO!! (I have the sickest crave for pasta/pesto right now)
My evening will go by with roasted pumpkin seeds, ice cold water, red cramps and my computer...
It's goanna be a looong night.
Thomas is at this fancy party -drinking his brains out- and I am unable to sleep alone (yes I am such a child). Sniff..
Poor me eh?

Here are some of my most valued pictures of people I imagine have a much simpler life <3

Love
Cille

Yoga and nothing

2010-04-28T23:28:00.000-07:00

God this day SUCKS in Denmark. The whether is super grey -I think it might rain soon, and I have like a zillion tings to do today!!! Okay it's actually only four highlights...
Yoga class, school, fixing my contact lenses and cleaning the apartment... All sucky things.

A.N.D. I. A.M. F.A.T. T.O.D.A.Y.
So no food... Weeh...

Anyways, weighed in at 71.4kg this morning. FAT

Well talk to yer' later girls

Love
Cille

I'm not dead... I just fainted

2010-04-27T13:23:00.000-07:00

As the title suggests.

I have been away, and now I'm back.

I am still fat, unhappy with my life and in recovery (read: at the moment only physical)...

It sucks so hard that I lost everything I worked for! My figure, my "self reflected prestige" and my determination to loose the weight I've always wanted, on the road to a life without an ED.

I miss it... I miss my bulimia... Does that sound far out or what? I really miss the "something" I could cling on to whenever things turned on me (and boy do they at the moment) instead of actually dealing with the feelings and all that shit!
I don't need feelings like anger/depression/sadness/loneliness/despair/hopelessness or abandons in my life! Just give me 20 minutes in the ladies-room and all of those feelings will be washed away -literally down the drain! Until next time.

Well enough about my bitching! I fell over this amazing video at Boohyouwhore.com (heh, I needed something to cheer me up)
It's gorgous... That girl is my new icon in this godforsaken world...

Buckets full of love to you my dear ones
Cille

The naughty list

2010-04-20T10:28:00.000-07:00

This is the lists of which I try to keep close in my everyday, and if I'm on a diet I just reorganise some goodie-stuff to the naughty list (ex. like jam, nuts, honey).

Of course both lists depends on my mood and situation, and this is just on top of my head.

Naughty list:

FASTFOOD!!

Chocolate

Ice cream

Candy

Cream

Pure sugar

Cake

Pastry

Cereal

Rice

Pasta

White bread

Butter

"Salt"

Fatty sliced cheese/meat (everything with over 200kcal per 100g)

Fatty meat (like pork/bacon)

Alcohol

Ketchup

Mayo

dressing

Sauce

Oil

Regular soda

Chocolate milk

Fat milk

Fat yoghurt

Goodie list:

Water/tea

Coffee

Skim milk

Diet soda

Veggies

Fruit

Nuts

Whole grain bread

Yoghurt (under 3,5% fat)

Honey

Jam

Pesto (as butter)

Lean sliced cheese/meat

Fish

Seafood

Turkey/chicken

Egg

Diet quick noddles

NUPO

Light margarine

vitamins/supplements

Love Cille

The pool issue...

2010-03-24T02:47:00.000-07:00

Yeah, so, summer is right around the corner an we all know that means; sun, flipflops and walking around on the beach or by the pool almost butt-naked! PANIC!!

Last year I whent to Turkey with 7 of my girlfriends. We booked a cheap vacation and decided that this trip was goanna be the best ever and that we were goanna have the time of our lives!
I was a little nervous about having to shear a room with 2 others because of my eating habits, but that part wasn't really a serious issue. All in all it was an amazing vacation.
The bomb first hit me for real when we came home and the pictures were put on Facebook! I saw lard, fat and disgusting breasts all over the photos of me! I was wearing a bikini and having fun in the pool and I looked HUGE! Most of the other girls were skinny and hot on the photos, but me? Well I was just one big blob! EW!

I will NOT let that happen again! This year I want to be comfortable in a bikini. I want to feel sexy and goddessy. I want to see BONES! Ribs, hips, collarbone, shoulders! EVERYTHING!
But of course that's a little too late. As I said, summer is right around the corner and nobody can get skinny that fast and MENTAIN it till and though summer! NOBODY, GIRLS!
Besides, since I'm still in treatment (recovering from an ED) I have signed a piece of paper that basically says: "I will not go on a diet as long as I am in treatment here".
So I train. I train and I train and it’s actually paying off. I can see how my muscles eat the fat and how my stomach is getting flatter by the day! It's really wonderful!
Unfortunately I can't really see a difference on the scale -'cause muscles weigh more that fat- and that fact annoys the hell out of me! But I guess I just have to deal with that.

I have a little thinspo here that helps me get though my training routine tree times a week.

And, yes I realise it's a little morally ambivalent...

Skinny calves

Thin legs (and awsome shoes)

Cute abs

And by the way, what’s your favourite workout? Treadmill? Push ups? Or just all around the fitness centre?

And why?

Love Cille

The 1/4 diet?

2010-03-13T12:58:00.000-08:00

Have you heard about it?

I was surfing mindlessly around on the web when I bumped into a debate concerning something called: The 1/4 Diet. I got caught -like any diet junkie- by the promise of a new wonder drug and dove, head first, into the debate.
It turned out that the diet is rather simple, and somewhat unintelligent, but quite appealing for someone in my situation. You just eat what you are eating, but in smaller portions. 1/4 of your normal portion in fact.

Stupid right? Or maybe not. I can see the point of cutting down on my portions and I like that nothing is "forbidden". In that sense I could have a little sweet and avoid a horrid binge, and also eliminate a purging 'cause it's "allowed" to eat a tiny bit sweetness.

I can clearly also see the idiotic thing about the "diet" -it depends on what you are eating in the first place, so I don't consider it a real diet. If you are eating unhealthy you can't lose weight by continuing to eat unhealthy! That just bitter logic!

I do eat relatively healthy and harmonic but I tend to overeat because of my bulimia. I always have this thought in the back of my head going: "you can just purge it out later -just go for it! Just this once!" And so I do. I always end up "going for it this once" and I always end up purging -hence bulimia.
So if I want to break the vicious circle I have to do two things.
1) I have to mentally make a choice. 2) I have to actively make the choice.
It's a lot harder than it sounds guys... The mental part is okay, but when I come to the active one I always fall off the wagon.
The only time I don't fall off, is when I'm on a diet!! So if I’m on a diet that helps me achieve the wanted weight AND get rid of my bulimia it's really a win-win situation!! Right?

I think it makes sense… A really fucked up kind of sense –but still- sense.

Love

Reminder

2010-03-12T07:12:00.000-08:00

Hey girls!!

I just wanted to remind you all to visit my Danish blog!
It's about fashion and of course, about me and my everyday life.
I have no ED stuff written down on there, so if you feel like taking a break from obsessive thoughts about food -swing by!

And the posts are on Danish but if you would like, I can make a short english summery in each post from now on. :)

Oh and I have a small prayer, if you choose to follow on there - which I would utterly adore!!!- Please don't have ribs and collarbones as profile pictures or follow anonymously. I really don't want ANY ED stuff on there, it's my hiding place -sort of, and I want it to be yours too :D

love Cille

SS vs SS

2010-03-12T05:55:00.000-08:00

So i was watching the British reality show; supersize vs. superskinny this afternoon. And god, I just realized something horrible! When I look at the extreme bodies -of which the program revolve around, I couldn't help but to compare myself to them.

And of course I don't look exactly like one or the other, but I find that I look more like the supersized ( obese) person than the skinny. Like the way the proportions look and how the fat is placed on my body! Slightly less fat on me, but still... I CAN reflect myself in them! I feel like I'm looking at my worst nightmare!
"This is how you are going to look if you keep putting crap in your mouth!" Ugh.

It's really triggering for me, but I can't stop watching...
Maybe it's because I already feel bad about that carrot cake I ate this morning... Sigh.

All this ED stuff is spinning my head off! I wanna lose weight, but I want to recover from bulimia!
I know, I know, I said this before! But it's really what's bugging me at the moment!

I keep restricting -even though I KNOW it’s bad. I work out 4hours every week –at least. AND I’M STILL GAINING!!!? I’m beginning to get a little desperate… A little too obsessive… Any advice?

Love Cille

Fuck the term: hypocritical!

2010-02-28T12:58:00.000-08:00

Why? Why is it I haven't invested in a scale? Why is it that every time I walk by IKEA or Illume’s I think "Ah, I don't need a scale! My ED does!" -and then, when I come home I'm freaking out 'cause I have no idea what I weigh!??!?!?

I'm SO buying one tomorrow!!!

I am at the edge of insanity!

Why don’t I have a scale already? Why doesn’t my mom have a scale!? Why can't I borrow my neighbours scale??? -well okay to answer my own last question; Cause that’s fucking crazy!

Arg! Somebody throw me a freaking scale!!!

I have been eating like a pig. I have broken about 7 of my internal rules today. Never given them much thought before, but since I’ve written them down I can see that some (most) of them are seriously insane.

Like; can’t eat nuts after 12 o’clock, or; everything I’m “keeping” in my system has to have something green beside it –like lettuce, cucumber, pepper, apple, grape and so on…
It’s so a whole lot easier to see how weird they are, and to question them, when they are on a piece of paper. So, I’m working every day to break another! My goal is to get thin/healthy, without crazy rules! And I think that’s very much achievable!

Today I weigh: FUCK! Still no scale girls… My guess would be like 300lbs today… That’s how I feel anyway –my serious guess would be at 138lbs or something. But I can’t be sure…

I have to go to the treatment centre tomorrow –and I really really REALLY don’t feel like it… I think I’m going to get up extra early tomorrow and hit the gym before therapy –even though I know it’s my ED’s plan, I just goanna go with it. I don’t feel like picking a fight with it.
(And sorry if it’s a little weird that I talk about my ED like it’s not a part of me. Therapy stunt. I guess it is a lot easier to fight IT if you’re not felling like you are fighting yourself. Does that make sense?)
Anyhow, I’m goanna bid you girls goodnight (I’m dead beat at eleven o’clock –pathetic), sleep tight an’ don’t let the bedbugs bite ;)

Love Cille

ZZZzzz

German and pizza

2010-02-25T05:03:00.000-08:00

Wow, so many loyal readers, so little in my life to write about.

I'm in school right now -in German class- hungry for food and drained for brain cells.
I feel sooo tired and like all the life is sucked out of me today.
That's properly a reaction to poor diet and slim breakfast…

I only had 1/4 of an omelette and some fruit with yoghurt this morning...
I just couldn't get anything else down –It all seemed so impossible to eat! Do I cook something? But I’m too hungry to cook! Do I have some bread? But I don’t feel like it?? So confusing when you don’t “sense” hunger the same way as normal people!

But one thing I always seem to have room for is eggs! I have this insanely weird crave for eggs at the moment. I eat them ALL THE FREAKING TIME! Boiled, scrambled, sunny side up, omelette, baked egg toast (SO good!!) and egg muffins. No wonder I put on weight so fast!

I was told to put on at least 10lbs by my dieatist when I was 120lbs -so I'm really struggling with that. I am at a good 140lbs now... Yes I gained some and yes it was impossible!! Not to gain weight, but to be okay with gaining. I’m still very emotional about my weigh, but I don’t break down and cry when I see one more pound on the scale.
It’s goanna be a long road to recovery, and it already feels like a fucking dessert hike, but I’m sure I will reach goal at some point!!

Tonight I’m making my gorgeous homemade pizza –it is to die for!! If you guys would like, I can post the pizza recipe (together with some other low cal/no cal meals). It’s so simple even I can make it to perfection. :)
I really look forward to a comfy night in. Just relaxing on the sofa and eating pizza with a clean conscience. Awesome possum!!

Jup, so I’ll go do that and you guys have a good one!!

Love Cille

Diamonds are forever...

2010-02-12T06:37:00.000-08:00

"Diamonds are made through the pressure and pain of fire."

Pretty wreek -Control

Gosh that helps me so much to push though and keep on running!!

Love Cille

?

2010-02-12T01:28:00.000-08:00

Uh Mama!

2010-02-12T01:13:00.000-08:00

I look great today!! I can see my body change from day to day! Tighter tights, slimmer arms and killer collarbones! I just need to keep working hard and I will look awesome in a bikini by summer! Wubii!

Eating lots of lean protein and working out 1 hour today!

Have a tremendous day girls <3

Love Cille

Tell me...

2010-02-10T04:41:00.000-08:00

Wow, I don't know where to begin.
I'm doing "good" in therapy, but I don't know how long it will last. I eat, sleep, work out and sleep some more. My life is a blur.

I lost 3 pounds since last week -which I feel great about! I'm now at 130lbs (171cm tall). That's fine. I'm okay, 'Cause I can see I'm going in the right direction. I want to accept my body and move on with my life. No more ED -10 years is enough!! I just need to shed the last pounds and control my purging and then I think I'm goanna be just fine.

Eating the right thing is hard. My dietitian says I need to eat more fat to make my brain and mussels function properly, but I have NO intention to listen to that fat cow. If she’s overweight then how is she goanna provide diet advice for me?
She also says I have to eat more carbs and protein since I work out every day. I agree. If I want to build up my mussels I NEED protein.
I still binge, but not as much and as violently as before. I have about one binge per. week, and it isn't as big amounts. Maybe 1000-2000cal. The purging is also improving. I purge 2-4 times a day -not that bad comparing to 20-22times a day.
I work out every day for about an hour and a half. I run 3km and row 1 and then I do weights + crunches + strength. Some times I throw in a little cross trainer or stepping just to get real sweaty. Then I stretch for 15min and then I'm done.
So that's what I spend my time doing. Sleep, eat, work out and sleep some more. And of course I am in group therapy at The Milestone (ED treatment center). Yawn. I just finished my routine so I think I deserve a nap.

Have a wonderful Wednesday girls.

Love Cille

Push yourself!

2010-02-04T05:03:00.000-08:00

So I know I'm not supposed to lose weight when I'm in recovery, but I just cant help it!

I'm going on the cabbage soup diet today and till Sunday, plus working out every day. I really want to lose the weight I have gained through the last couple of weeks. I'm at 135lbs at the moment and I really want to get down to 120/110 by the time March comes around.

Yesterday I joined the gym right across my building and I really pushed myself to the limit! It felt amazing! I ran 3km and rowed 1 and then did some weights. It was so so nice to feel how I use my muscles. I didn't eat all that much either. 3 slices of wholegrain bread with fish and chicken, 1/2 a club sandwich (light), 2 bananas, 1 bonbon and some red wine. I think that was okay, not perfect but no binged so I'm happy -for now.

Love Cille

Want or should?

2010-02-01T07:44:00.000-08:00

Woaw I'm so tired now. My day has been quite hectic. I ran around town to buy some lamps for my appartment and I was in group therapi at the treatment centre. It was good. I've made some goals for my recovery and I can really see the end of the tunnel now!
I Feel enigized and I'm ready to stand up to my ED.

Tomorrow I'm goanna join a fitness center to get a little healthier and perhaps to flatten my tummy some, but NO ED schemes!!
Just to feel more comfortable in my body and to feel like I'm taking care of it. :)

Goatta go gals, but have a super day

Love Cille

Better late than never

2010-01-27T10:35:00.000-08:00

Sorry I’ve been so absent lately darlings –new as old. It’s so fucking hard at the Milestone (ED recovery centre). I HATE it. I dread every Monday ‘cause then I have to step on the scale and face my weigh –which keeps going up at the moment!! Good god I wanna quit!

My depression is really dragging my days down. I have one crappy day after another. And I really don’t get it! I take my pills? I eat? I drink? Stupid thoughts, can’t you just leave me alone!?

I’m scheming against the treatment. I want to loose weight like never before! I just have to STOP telling myself it’s impossible and get on with it!!

Losing weigh and shaping up is easy. Everyone in the world can do it so why not you Cille? Are you really so different? No you aren’t!! It’s a piece of cake, or rather celery in this case. It’s fun and healthy to think about what you eat and do. If you slip, you can get rid of it. But you won’t. You won’t slip. Because you will be orgenised. You WILL BE! You are!!!
What it that? Too pricey to eat healthy and get a personal trainer?? Please is that the best excuse you can come up with? Just don’t buy those Topshop shoes you want next month!!! Isn’t worth it to have a great body? When you get thin you’re goanna look good in a garbage bag!
Are you hungry? Already? But we haven’t even started!! You baby! Think about all the starving people in Haiti?! Oh my god you disgust me… Drink some water you fat cow!
Don’t you wanna be a model? Drop down and give me 20! Where? In the bathroom of course! Thomas won’t get why you do it, he’ll laugh.

Sigh. I feel so conflicted. Can’t I loose weigh AND get rid of my ED? Of course I can! I’m NOT that fucked up!!

Well it’s been a while since I posted my weigh. I guess I’m embarrassed. Here goes nothing: 132lbs / 60kg my BMI is 19,6… AAARG!! I hate seeing it in print! I feel a tight little knot in my tummy just looking at it.

I guess I have to join the gym now. First thing to do when my paycheck comes in the door!!

Love

I'll do it tomorrow...

2010-01-14T12:28:00.000-08:00

Arg fuck! I HATE myself sometimes!
No, ALWAYS!!!

I’m so fucking pathetic! AND such a hypocrite! I wine all day long about my shape but I don’t work out!! I bitch about my disgusting body, yet I eat cookies and candy like a fucking addict! I want my control back! OH MY GOD! Where the fuck did it go!??!?! It must have slipped away in the shadows of the night ‘cause I sure as hell didn’t loose it on purpose! Shit shit shit! It’s those doctors at the recovery center! THEY STOLE IT!

I need my control back! I must have control!! I give a shit about The Milestone or recovery! I just want to be thin!

Oh good god, if you exist, give me THIS joy… Just give me one less thing to worry about! PLEASE! Make me in control, make me strong, make me SKINNY!!!!

Uh, what an outburst! I think it came from this YouTube video I just saw… About a girl who recovered from an ed; she was SO FAT! She was all like: “Now I enjoy food (No, really!), I love myself (but you’re repulsing?!) and I have a better life -yadayada. Right. A better life? Like a fat happy cow about to get slaughtered?

Sorry you guys, I’m so cruel when I get pissed off at myself… And when people who are insanely fat try to convince me to become fat (or fatter, that is) too. Make sense?

Sigh.

Love

Lucky Biatch. . .

2010-01-14T11:24:00.000-08:00

She's so cool. I wish I had her skinny legs.

Love

Things we already knew!

2010-01-13T03:25:00.001-08:00

We all know the essential methods of losing weight by now, but I like to have them just to remind me what I can do better! Or just do...

*Before you start a particular workout regime, take a photo of yourself in a bikini. Do this on a weekly basis, as it helps in keeping a check of your waistline. (I find that EXTREAMLY helpful when I feel like I’m getting nowhere with my exacise)

*Hydrating your body is essential and helps you in avoiding certain intakes. Thirst is misunderstood, many a times for hunger. Adequate water and liquids in the diet helps in warding hunger and helps to eliminate wastes and toxins. (we all knew that one)

*Chew well and eat. Proper mastication prevents over eating, as the brain waits to hear the signals from the stomach. As the hunger pangs are removed, the brain receives a stop signal from the stomach. (no news there)

*A coffee or diet beverages help to postpone hunger.

*Supermodel diet tips comprise of tomatoes, apples, lettuce and diet coke. (Cool so does mine! Then why am I fat?)

*Green tea or plain tea helps in eliminating your hunger, in a temporary manner.

*Avoid deep fat frying. Baking, boiling, grilling, stewing, micro waving and pressure cooking are the best methods of cooking.

*A healthy breakfast is the right way to start your day. Skipping breakfast increases the pangs of hunger by the end of the day. (blahblah blah)

*Skinless poultry, fish and lean meat are recommended animal foods.

*Freshly cut fruits and vegetables are healthy snacks. (well daah)

*Saturated and Trans fats namely, margarine, butter, clarified butter are replaced by vegetable oils, such as olive, flaxseed, safflower and sunflower oil.

*Drinking lemon infused water is not only refreshing but is far healthier than calorie filled beverages. Other options include adding citrus fruits or a splash of juice in the water, drinking infused teas such as mango and peach tea that is loaded with flavor but with very few calories.

*Remember what you can add to your diet instead of what must be taken away. Firstly stay focused on getting the recommended five to six servings of fresh fruits and vegetables every day. This can help you in not only meeting your fiber goals but also help you feel more satisfied from the volume of fresh food that you consume.

And if you eat something naughty, you can just stick you fingers down you're throat and puke till you're thin...

(been there, done that)

Christ.

I'm grumpy today. I think it's 'cause I had cake yesterday and didn't do anything about it.

Bad girl!

Love

Another year flown by <3

2010-01-12T02:52:00.000-08:00

So today I was born 19 years ago.

You guessed it, it's my birthday!! Weeh!

I LOVE my birthday! Presents, breakfast in bed and love! Lots of love! My stepdad and my mom came in and woke me at six o'clock with breakfast. It was super cosy to snug up in my bed and eat hot buns with jam and muffins.
I got about 300 bucks from my mom and steppdad! So awesome!! Of cause most of it is going to savings but the other half is goanna get shopped away! Uuuuuh I can't wait!

So anyway, I just wanted to remind you all that I just turned 19 and make you guys super jealous ;)

Love

On the highway to hell

2010-01-10T10:24:00.000-08:00

Gosh, where to begin?

First of all, I'm so stressed out about school. Everyone is putting so much weight on my shoulders! Do this, do that, that's not good enough! NOTHING I do is good enough, and it's driving me insane! And the worst part is, there's nobody to blame for my failure than me.
Only I can flip my uselessness into success, I just don't know how?

My new years resolution was to do my best at all times! And you know what? My best just aren’t good enough!!! So what do I do now?

I had the worst day yesterday. I spend the entire day bingeing and purging. About 20 times and that's exclusive all the times I was rinsing... I even puked up a little blood up. I know, gross!! But I guess it was a scratch in the throat more than something serious. I have no idea what set this off. I think it was because I was alone and had purged my anti depressives... Arg. That was hell! I called Thomas, who was in the city with some friends, and told him to come home. I'm really embarrassed now, but I think it was good I got him home, because I was extremely sad and broken.

Today I’m all better but I’m tired and my throat burns. My fingers are chipped with teeth-marks and my face swollen. I hate bulimia. It sucks!

Love

Piece of cake

2010-01-08T01:28:00.000-08:00

Ugh. Hungry. Tired. Bored...

My morning in tree words.

I'm sitting in english class, boreing my ass off!! I didn't make a assignment and now I have been deported to the computer room to make the assignment. That's just though luck!
Well... as you can see I'm not making much progress.

That covers bored.

I'm tired 'cause I woke up at 5am (or pm? At night anyways) after a bad dream! And I mean a REALLY bad dream! About a baby getting dropped at the floor and... Uh... I can't describe it. It was horrible!!!

And last but not least, HUNGRY! I just ate two apples and would kill for another...

I'm REALLY looking forward to after school. My mom and I are going to see a photo exhibit called "love me" and it looks super interesting.
And later I'm going to meet up with some girls at my place and drink wine. I think it's going to be a nice evening. Not scared at all <3

Talk to you guys later :)

Love

My day so far...

2010-01-07T05:09:00.000-08:00

Is pretty darn good!

All morning I've been watching Rachel Zoe Project and eating yoghurt! Fabulous! I got LOTS of inspiration from the show to my wardrobe! I look really good today!

I got a little Boho/high street going on today and I looove it! I'll maybe post some pic's of it later on but... You know me.

Sooo anyways.
My plans for today are simple; 15.00 - drink coffee, 16.00 go home, 17.00 pick out my outfit for my 2 years anniversary with Thomas, 19.00 - eat drink and have fun all night long ;)

Yup that's it sweeties!!

Love

Ugh. Why is the winter so long?

2010-01-06T03:12:00.000-08:00

I just want some sun!

Love

'Cause it's pretty

2010-01-05T07:20:00.001-08:00

Love

tea for two

2010-01-05T02:40:00.000-08:00

Good mornin' everyone an' welcome to the crazyness of my univers!

Today I'm happy again! Ain't that strange? Maybe not THAT stange since I've been doing great on my "diet". (heh. Get it? die-t? No matter just a side note)

And yes! I shouldn't BE on a diet ('cause I'm in recovery) but I just need the thrill!!! The thrill of planning and plotting my day and be able to pat myself on the shoulder for doing good. Weird? Yes ... Yada yada yada...

But at least I'm eating again! Breakfast: joghurt, snack/lunch some bread with fish and a coffee. That ain't too bad for me or the "eat healthy not like an ED" phillosofy. Good. All in all really good I think!

Yawn!!! I'm so sleepy! I got out of bed at seven and I'm used to getting up at twelve! (and I can't figur out the pm. and am. thing! But it was in the morning)

Ugh. And eating breakfast? yuck. I can't get anything solid down before lunch, which is no more than a bad habit.

So what should I post about? I have been talking for 20 lines and yet said nothing. I guess my head is empty today?

Love

Another day, another challenge…

2010-01-04T10:23:00.000-08:00

Today I was my first official day at the Milestone (ED treatment center ((Stolpegård on Danish))!
The morning was tough. I didn’t want to go and my subconscious kept sabotaging “me getting out of the door”. Suddenly I had to do this and finish that; and when I ran out of excuses I FINALLY pushed myself out the door.
I was late. I ran to the train. I ran to the bus. I ran down the ally to the center, and when I got there? I just stood outside, starring with terror at the frightening building, for ten minutes! I just couldn’t bring myself to go in there like it was any other building! Maybe ‘cause it wasn’t. For me THAT building is a symbol of “losing” control. That building is a token of gaining. And last but not least THAT building is fucking STUFFED with stick-thin girls! Ugh. It was hard but I overcame my fear (yet again I suppose) and stepped inside the reception (actually –it was mostly ‘cause it was snowing and I was freezing my butt off!!). Heh.

So I didn’t interrupt the group, which was really good, I would have felt awful! Like showing up late for class and everybody is ogling you and whispering to each other; but it wasn’t like that.
Everyone was just chatting and it turned out the therapist was late I guess. They introduced them selves and I got to learn a bit of there troubles.

It was strange at first, seeing that people talked so openly about there ED’s, but I slowly got the hang of it. The girls/women there were really sweet. I’m the youngest and newest in the group so they all took care of me.

The only two parts of the entire day, I HATED, was weighing and eating lunch together. The weighing made me really upset and I was about to cry in the middle of the session. But I fought the tears back. The lunch was not so great either. I mean the food was wonderful and I shoved it in ‘cause I was starving (hadn’t eaten for two days because I knew I was going on a scale)!!
But afterwards… I felt so depressed that everyone had just seen me eat like that. All those skinny girls, what do they think of me now?

If only I could turn back time.

Love Cille

Bye bye past

2010-01-02T13:34:00.000-08:00

Sorry for not uploading pic’s of me in the blue dress… To be honest, I don’t really think the pictures turned out so god and to be even more honest… I. LOOK.FAT.
So there you have it. I didn’t want to post the pictures ‘cause I look f.a.t. AAARG I hate this! No matter how many pictures I take or how good people say I look, I only see a fat pig on the photos!

Well… Anyway, my new years eve was otherwise good. I ate lots of melon salad and skipped dessert. I kept to champagne and rum & diet coke so I did good!! I was drunk but not hammered, I had fun but didn’t dance on the table, and I ate and threw up. The last part wasn’t really that great but you goatta do what you goatta do.

Waiting for my birthday which is right around the corner!! I turn 19 the 12th of January!! GOD I’M SO OLD! Heh, unbelievable that I turn 19 this month? I mean… What have I achieved yet!? Nothing! Nada! Not even my dream body…. I don’t know I just feel like time flew by!

Childhood, gone. Perky boobs, gone. 2009, gone! Before I know it my teen-years will be gone too, and all I’ll have left of them is flaky photos where I perhaps look great and didn’t see it myself at the time… Does that make any sense?

I just don’t wanna sit 10 years from now, looking back, and think “gosh, I was so thin… Why did I bitch so much about it?”

Love

Oh gosh ♥

2009-12-30T13:35:00.000-08:00

I fell in love in H&M…

The perfect dress was godsend from heaven! Or at least godsend from the store.

I walked in feeling fat, exhausted and pimpled (is that a word?). I walk out, no, I skipped out, feeling fashionable and neat maybe even a little thin!

First of all the dress is a 4US (36eu) which I hadn’t imagining fitting in my wildest dreams, but it was the only one left on the rack so I took my chances. And it… Was… FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC!!! It zipped up like; zzzzzzip. No struggle at all! I can’t describe in words how that made me feel. I actually wanted to cry a little. Heh.

Second of all; it’s navy blue, which makes it a little more interesting that a “little black dress” and navy goes so so good with gold! (Which is my favourite metal colour, and I bought the nicest gold clutch and necklace!!)

And thirdly it wasn’t that expensive. I had to though down 35 bucks for that dress, and it looks like a high-street designer gown.

The only sad thing about the outfit is: that it’s from H&M.
Now, I’m not a label-sucker, but almost everybody I know shop in H&M and there’s a big possibility that someone at the party is wearing the same thing… And looking even better.

But screw that fact for now.
I’ll put out some new year photos of me in the fab’dress tomorrow ;D

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Love Cille

Wonderful Wednesday?

2009-12-30T02:39:00.000-08:00

I think it just might be.

The new year is right around the corner and I'm going shopping today!

Weeh! I goatta find myself a beautiful new years dress so "au revoir" my sweeites <3

Love Cille

Resolutions <3

2009-12-29T13:15:00.000-08:00

So get this, I figured out my resolutions! I saw what some of you guys wrote, and it inspired me to write mine. As I said earlier, it will NOT contain ANYTHING with weight. That’s a no-no this year…

My new year resolutions

I will finish decorating my home, adding the final touch to my sweet apartment on fourth.

I will work harder on my education and try to perform my best at all times. In school and in life.

I will be nicer and neater towards Thomas and help more out around the apartment.

I will take my medicine and follow the doctor’s orders. Even when I feel like I know better.

I will be motivated to get out of my eating disorder and…. Yuck… Love myself…

I will be happy this year!!!!!!!

Love Cille

Something new, something blue

2009-12-29T06:13:00.000-08:00

So x-mas is over. (Thank god). I got some nice gifts and I got to spend time with Thomas, so that was good.

Sigh. Next challange, New Years. I'm spendin my new years eve with my classmates and my boyfriend downtown in Copenhagen. I bought some really cool eye-lashes and some crazy glitter so I guess it can't go comeplitely wrong.

Mmmh I love new years. No because of the party, and certinly not because of the fireworks! But because of the "new". A fresh start, a do-over...

I think my new year's resolution will be to (for a change) something that hasn't got ANYTHING to do with weight... Maybe just food.... I don't know...

Do you guys know your new year's resolutions yet?

I have no idea what I shoud "wish" to change in the new year, 'cause on the one side I want to loose weight/be healthy/trendy but on the other I really should just focus on getting rid of my ED.

Blaah...

Love, love and more love

Cille

Not my cup of tea

2009-12-23T11:59:00.000-08:00

Spending Christmas in Bayern this year. With Thomas and his family...

And so far, not loving it.

There's no Christmas spirit in the house -AT ALL! Everybody is grumpy and stressed and could care less about this holiday.

… And I'm sitting here, alone, on Little Christmas eve.

Thomas is out spending the night with old friends and his parents -who ONLY speak Bavarian, so I only understand every second word they say- is watching TV in the living room. I feel alone.

Oh, and guess what, in this family they decided that on Christmas eve, they’d give the mom a night off!! THAT MAKES NO SENSE TO ME!!! So the boys and the dad, who doesn’t cook all year long, have to make a delicious dinner? No, no, no of course not. That would just be plain stupid, so instead they cook something they CAN. Steaks. With French fries.

AND THE PARENTS DOESN’T EVEN LIKE STEAKS!??!?! They are going to eat something completely different??? I thought Christmas was supposed to bring people closer, but in this family it seems to tear them apart.

Oh. My. God.

THEY are ruining Christmas!? No, demolishing!!!

So angry right now! Of course I could just have said “no thank you” to the trip… But I didn’t expect it to be so… Hard, to give up “my” Christmas.

Guess I just have to go with the flow….

Angry love

What a wonderful feeling!

2009-12-17T06:23:00.000-08:00

Well, good morning everyone! It’s a lovely day today! I am officially feeling all “rainbows and lollypops” today! Why? I’ll tell ya’ dolls! IT’S ALMOST CHRISTMAS !!

Huh?

Jep you heard me, it’s almost Christmas, and I am so excited! Not because of the traditionally Christmas feast (obviously). Not because of the presents (okay maybe just a little bit because of the presents). But because it’s snowing and life is finally going to turn out great for me! –Or at least I believe that it will, right at this moment. I. Feel. Happy!!
Oh that’s such a nice wonderful fantastic feeling! Christmas. New years. A new beginning. I feel like I can do anything today! I have a completely white canvas (metaphorically speaking), and I can paint my life as I want! I can make my life a master piece!

Heh, no, I didn’t up my dose of anti-depressions today. I have absolutely no idea why I feel so warm and fuzzy inside this particular Thursday.

I wish you all a wonderful day!

And remember, if your day sucks; "it could be worse" :D

Love

Let it snow...

2009-12-17T06:20:00.000-08:00

Oh my god… Today is beautiful.

Last night it snowed like crazy and when I woke up this morning the entire city was clocked in a fluffy sheet of snow. I love snow. It’s so unbelievably gorgeous, cozy and pure. I love to curl up under a blanket with a cup of tea and watch the feathery snowflakes drop outside my window. Mmmh.

Love

Tick tack

2009-12-15T13:00:00.000-08:00

My brain is porridge... Mealted, overcooked, slimey porridge... I am so tired. And whats strage, I haven't done "today's good deed". I haven't done ANYTHING really... Sigh, I hate those days. You wake up and before you know it the day is long gone and you haven't done shit.

Ate today: 3 pieces of toast with jam at breakefast, 2 grapefruits, and for dinner some chicken and salad. I feel like thats way, WAY, too much! I feel like a pig. A big fat jiggily pig who doesn't deserve to eat EVER AGAIN!

Love

Moment of nothing

2009-12-15T12:56:00.000-08:00

Soooo sleepy... But I found this picture/quote and thought it fitting for today.

Love

Little black dress

2009-12-15T04:38:00.000-08:00

I found a really nice link to an exercise program for the arms.

http://www.marieclaire.com/video/#v15150418001

Love

Mondays...

2009-12-14T06:59:00.000-08:00

I went, I saw, and all in all it was… Actually not that bad. I’m still scared out of my wits about the group thing AND all the rules I have to follow next year.
Yup, I am officially IN TREATMENT! Uuuh. I’m goanna start in group therapy on The Milestone (ED Center) the 4th of January 2010.

I am terrified! First of all no dieting. No pills without consent (including laxatives). A food journal EVERY day which the therapists are goanna read out loud to the group (OMG!). Weigh in every Monday and a weight-gain/loss at max. 5/2kg if you are “Normal weight”.
And the list of rules just keeps going like that! What I’m to eat when and where! God… I knew this wasn’t going to be all “rainbows and lollypops” but it just sound so… I don’t know…
Like I’m a child who can’t do anything right… Which I guess is true… At some level…

Thomas is leaving on another business trip for a week. Again in China. Just great. I fell okay at peace with it, but at the same time it’s really pissing me off that his company always sends him just because he aren’t married or has kids. Well, I hope he will be home in time for Christmas.

Other than that I have no real news. I’ve bought all the presents for Christmas and I’m not dreading the traditionally feast. I went to the climate-policy-change demonstration on Saturday and to an exhibit in Forum yesterday about better resource alternatives. That was really cool.
Copenhagen is buzzing with people from all over the world and their ideas on how to change it.

Love

Bla bla blaa

2009-12-14T02:29:00.000-08:00

Today is crap. It’s Monday. It’s cold and gray and I’m going out on the center for eating disorders once more.
I know I’m goanna be weight in my underwear and I’m so so SO scared. Especially cause it’s cold and uncomfortable… And I haven’t stepped on a weight for TWO days. Sigh.

Ugh. I really don’t wanna go.

Love

heartshaped

2009-12-11T04:48:00.000-08:00

Sunshine rain!!

2009-12-11T03:55:00.000-08:00

So it’s Friday once more! Thomas (ma’ boyfriend) is going to this company Christmas dinner and I… Well I’m possibly going to see my girls tonight. One of my very close friends are having a wine taste party (girls only), and it sound pretty fun. But I just got my aunty Rouge so I look like a supersized marshmallow.
Ah, what big and complicated problems I have, hehe.
I guess I’m going. I mean it’s just my girls and I can wear something baggy. Hmm… But what? Okay I’m not goanna bother you guys with my “I have a zillion outfits but nothing to wear” dilemma, so lets just skip ahead to what I’m goanna eat, ‘cause THAT’S really important ;)

Pros for today is that I’m home alone ALL day (and evening) so I can be as eating disordered as I please. I also haven’t got anything in the fridge aside from nailpolish and antioxidant filled red wine so wee!! No temptations.

Cons, I already had some cereal for breakfast AND I ate so much crap yesterday ‘cause of my period. But all that is affordable mistakes. I just need to keep away from the “I already spoiled the diet so I’m just goanna eat shit anyway” spiral, and I’ll be fine.

I’m goanna restrict my solid intake to 500 cals (which leaves me with 250 now) so I can drink and have a good time tonight. Sounds like a plan? Sure does.

Keep on rockin' ;)

Love

A little something, something...

2009-12-11T03:40:00.000-08:00

I just found some of these pictures yesterday and I decided to shear them with you guys.

Some are my personal storage of thinspo, others are just pretty and… fascinating.
I suppose.

Enjoy my sweeties.

love

It's in my head

2009-12-09T02:34:00.000-08:00

First of all my WORD is down, (and therefor also my spelling control) so sorry for the poor quality of my post...

I had a really nice weekend. Me and some friends went to this awsome party downtown and it was almost a perfect night. The thing that spoiled the evning was my drinking! I drank so much!! At the end I could hardly stand, and I made a big jiggely fool outta myself! Arg...

I got a massage (once agian) from The Milestone (ED center), and I am goanna start after Christmas... I know it's for my own good and yada yada yada, but I'm really scared. All those new people and rules. I don't know if I'm goanna make it. And I feel this insane pressure that every one in my family expect, no DEMAND me to be all whole and healed when I'm done with the treatment...

What if I can't get better? What if I'm doomed to be eating disordered for the rest of my life?? Whould everybody then just give up on me?

I dont know...

And do I really want to be all whole and healed? I mean... If I aren't Cille with the ED, then who the fuck am I? What if my ED definds who I am? How am I then goanna survive without it?

I'm not sure I know HOW to live without my ED...

All these different emotions are washing over me right now, and I feel like I'm goanna drown -you know?

Love

Eat me...

2009-12-05T07:04:00.000-08:00

Going out tonight. Feeling good. Lisening to "boring" with the pieaces. I'm goanna dance all night in my new shoes with a smoke in one hand and vodka in the other.

Happy sexy friday! Rock the world dolls!

Love

W I L D

2009-12-04T12:11:00.001-08:00

Update from space! Sorry sorry for not being committed to blogging these past few weeks! My life has been CRAZY! Crazy I tell yer’! I’ve been spending every waken moment with my sweet but slightly paranoid boyfriend. It’s by the way so so nice to have him home. Just to fall asleep in his warm embrace is bliss, but enough about that. Everything else has been HELL! My temper. My body. My hair. My school. My home!! Everything is ether falling apart or falling out. I am officially down to my “goal” weight once more: 120lbs. But I don’t feel any bit of excitement. I feel the exact opposite. My body keeps on losing weight but it still doesn’t look like the way I want! (Classic ED problem –I know…) It’s so depressing!

At the moment I am eating “normal” – that means tree times a day and about 900calories, but I don’t feel applied too food at all? I hate that I need to eat to function. I want to feel horrible cause’ I “deserve” to be in pain –You know?

I have been in therapy for about six months and it’s really pissing me off that I’m not even close to being better. I’m still unbelievably self-destructive. I still have a serious eating disorder. I’m still depressed and slightly suicidal and therefore a loser. It’s just so frustrating!! Aren’t I supposed to be all “rainbows and lollypops” by now? I don’t understand why I can’t get the ED voices outta my head! They have changed, yes, but not to the better… Before it was kinda a scream in my ear, telling me what to do. But now it’s like an unnoticed whisper. I just “do” ED stuff without even giving it a second thought? Like a habit or a ritual.

The other day I was hanging out at my mom’s and we watched some random show on the tv. We were like 40min. in the show when she asked me to sit still. Until then I hadn’t even noticed that I was doing butt-clenches. Heh, it sound kinda comical, but at my worst phase in my ED I had this rule about never to sit still. Always always DO something! Every calorie counts!! It really surprised me how my subconscious just “remembered” that rule and started doing it without me being directly aware of it??

I don’t know what’s going on with my ED or my body at the moment. It’s like it is running wild!!

Love to my girls

Got me a brand new attitude

2009-11-26T05:19:00.000-08:00

First of all, I would like to apologize for my blogger neglect!! Sigh, I guess I have been so absent lately ‘cause my ED has fated a little in to the background. Or maybe I just accepted it fully? I don’t know my darlings...
I don’t really have bulimic tendencies at the moment -I just don’t eat?

So Thomas came home. And as you know we had a bit of a rocky welcome. He said some things and I got hurt and the other way around, but now everything is close to fine. He doesn’t really trust me when I go out and he is so jealous! It’s getting on my last nerve!! Yes, I like to flirt but I know the limitations!? Well, he is properly goanna read this (even though I asked him to stay away from my blog! Well I kinda get it... he’s just curious –but still...) so I better watch my mouth... Anyway, we both have to work on our relationship. He has to trust me, and I just got to grow up! I have to take responsibility for my actions –which sucks- and do the laundry once in a while. Then I guess we’ll be fine. Of course I also have to work on my ED recovery and the depression AND the self injury thing! Heh, I guess I better get to work then?

I don’t really obsess over my diet and weight anymore. I still don’t like what I see in the mirror, but I don’t obsess over it like I did for like 6 months ago. I guess that’s a relief. My weight right now is 124.7 (125) so it’s not that bad. I would like to loose... Well... Honestly? It all! (I know it’s unrealistic) Sometimes I only put one foot on the scale and push it a little down just to see how it would feel to weigh a little less. Heh. Stupid? Maybe, but it gives me some kind of pleasure to see 100lbs on the scale...
As you guys can hear, I still think ALOT about weight and how I look –so I’m not completely hole an’ healed but I’m getting there.

Yup. So that’s the scoop.

Tell me how you guys have been doing lately?

Love

The skeleton is out!

2009-11-17T04:25:00.000-08:00

Well... He's home and I'm a mess.
I followed Sarah's advice and just told him what the deal was... He just kissed me and asked why I wanted to destroy something so perfect?

Awww... Cute.
We ended up talking all night and he was so supportive! Told me he was goanna be there for me no matter what and said I shouldn’t worry. He also told me to quit lying to him. I guess I understand that… The problem is just… How?

I have to deal with that later. Right now I am on my way to see my therapist. I don’t know what I’m goanna talk about. What I’m goanna tell her… I guess it will come to me.

About food, I haven’t eaten in two days ‘cause I was so nervous!! And I mean HAVE NOT eaten!! That never happens to me? Anyway, I am goanna eat a sandwich from this healthy-healthy store on my way home.
Looking forward to it (they are so good! And there’s a calorie list for everything! ED Mecca-food-store!) –the only thing that sucks is the price… Sur-price.

Love

Once up on a time...

2009-11-16T09:13:00.000-08:00

Thomas is flying in right at this moment. He'll be landing in Denmark in two hours. I am so nervous.

Thanks for all your support girls! Means the world to me!

Love

Broke

2009-11-15T12:00:00.000-08:00

I feel dirty. Thomas is coming home tomorrow…
Thought I’d be happy right?
I guess I am.

But right now all I feel is confused and scared.
I have my scar on the upper tight from earlier and now I have a fresh cut on my ribcage from this weekend. I am so scared.
How can I possibly explain all this?
Hey honey, by the way, I am not only depressed and bulimic - but I cut too… Jesus.

I feel so so dirty. Wrong. Bad. Fat. I already took two showers today and I think about taking another later. I just want to be clean. Untouched and unspoiled. But I am broken, and don’t think I can ever be fixed.
I hate myself so much it’s unbearable!! I am weak and pathetic! I wish I wasn’t this fucked up Thomas. I am so sorry you ever had to meet me. I’m sorry you fell in love with me. I’m sorry for being a two-faced psycho. I’m sorry I’m such a bad person.
And most of all I’m sorry for hurting you, but I don’t know how to stop.

I’m sorry.

I think I have to leave Thomas. He deserves better...

Frosted

2009-11-13T03:32:00.000-08:00

Brrr!! I’m hanging out in my apartment AND IT’S FUCKING FREEZING IN HERE!!!
I am seriously without sensation in my fingertips at this point!
My balcony door is broken, so the draft if a bitch! And the heat has been off while Thomas (my boyfriend/roommate) is in China, so I think it’s like 5 degrees in here.

I have been living with my mom the last three weeks and hanging out in my own apartment from time to time –mostly doing binges, but also to water the plants and collect some stuff I was missing at my moms. Yeah so last week I hung out here and I had the biggest grossest binge in pizza and some easy-stew-whatever… With the result; that I cried hysterically, drank vodka and threw glasses into the wall… Good job Cille… My stepdad came by to pick me up and I forgot about the mess I’d left.

So today – a week later – the apartment looked like SHIT! And smelled like it too… Gosh. So I just finished cleaning up the leftovers (which had been socked in the sink for NINE DAYS!). Oh. My. Freaking. God. That was so so gross!!! It smelled like… Rotten flesh and sour milk. EW!

But I survived and now the entire kitchen reeks of bleach and “lavender” instead. Not sure that’s better. Anywho, I have no plans for tonight so far. My friend invited me to some big fancy party gallerie opening, packed with cocktail-rich-bitch girls and “golden” boys. But I don’t feel like I’m in a very “fancy party” mood. I just have to wait it out and see.

I haven’t had anything to eat yet, and I am no where close to hungry after cleaning the kitchen! So that’s like a fast day to my diet – I guess?

Love<3

God-bless-you!

2009-11-12T11:25:00.000-08:00

I am sorry for not uploating a diet plan for today. I am still down with a cold. I had a low fever today so I haven't been eating the entire day... I mean I ate a LOT of cold medicine and bonbons but there's like 5 calories in each.

It could be worse... But wish me well soon anyway! Tomorrow I'm just goanna eat soup. Perhaps about 6 bowls :)

Love you all <3

Cille

Chick

2009-11-11T01:00:00.000-08:00

Hey gals!

So yesterday went by good, I ate what I was supposed to I feel good about it :)
Today I'm sick so its goanna be soup all day sweeties!

Here’s ma homemade “skinny” chicken soup recipe:

Cook Time: 1 hour, 45 minutes

Ingredients:
· 1 3-31/2 pound chicken, cut into 8 pieces
· 3 quarts water
· 3 large carrots, halved lengthwise and cut into pieces
· 3 celery stalks, sliced
· 2 leeks, white parts only
· 2 parsnips, peeled and chopped
· 1 onion, sliced
· 2 tsp black peppercorns
· 1 bay leaf
· 2 garlic cloves
· Salt and freshly ground black pepper
· 2 tbsp chopped dill for garnish

Okay Its not really ”homemade” I got it from my skinny cookbook, but it’s my favourite!
For breakfast I had nothing, so a pretty bad start on the day. I have the feeling that it’s goanna be a bad day…

Love

Ready, set, GO!

2009-11-10T03:18:00.000-08:00

Goodmorning lovelies! Thanks for all the helpul comments! I am taking the advices in and listening to your support!
Boy am I lucky to have such a smart bunch of girls behind me! I can’t say it enough, I love you guys!
(And a little side note to “pretty wreck” The Milestone is a Danish treatment centre for people with eating disorders. I haven’t started there yet, but I am in the program)

Well on to the diet!
Yesterday the lemoncleanse went okay. I ate a cup of salad at lunch but that was it.
So today I woke up at 12am, that means I’m eating breakfast for lunch today and that’s pretty annoying for you guys who wants to follow the diet. However I have come up with an alternative breakfast and lunch for you!

Morning:
1 sliced apple and one small sliced banana
1 cup of green tea (or black coffee)
If you’re still hungry, add a grapefruit without sugar.
If you don’t like breakfast at all then just eat the grapefruit, but eat SOMETHING to get that metabolism going.
= 150cal with grapefruit 155cal – fat 0,7g

Snack:
50g of almonds and raisins
=135cal – (plant) fat 16g

Lunch:
2 cups (I measure cups in what you can have in your hands when you make a cup)
of green salad + cucumber + red pepper fruit + tomatos (+ onion)
NO dressing
If it’s too boring for you just add 20/30g of shrimps
= aprox 188cal with shrimps 210cal - No fat

Snack:
100/200g of carrots
Depending on how hungry you feel
= 36/78cal

Dinner:
1 cup of green salad + tomatos (+ your choice – I’m goanna go with a dash of feta cheese and onion)
300g of low fat/no fat minute steak with 1/10 Tsp of salt and some pepper
= 350cal – fat 1,1g (?)

Total day = up to 1000 calories (but I don’t have the time to go though it right now)

So that’s it, remember I calculated the calories and fat by Danish products and I suck at math ;)
I suggest you calculate it your self if you want to be 100% sure!

That’s it <3>

Hope you like it

Love

Rather dead than fat!

2009-11-08T15:16:00.000-08:00

I have been avoiding to post anything meaningful this weekend ‘cause it haven’t had that must meaning. I miss Thomsen like hell! I miss having someone to spoon doing the night and someone to kiss in the morning. We always kiss each other good morning, goodnight and good day, sigh, every single day. It doesn’t matter if we had a fight, or something like that, the tradition between us has never been broken for over two years. It sounds kind of needy and obsessive but I really enjoy having it ‘cause it gives me a feel of safety. Like I’m not that ugly, fat or smelly even though we just woke up together and I forgot to brush my teeth last nigh.

Well enough about le’ boyfriend, I’m sure you guys don’t care about him ;)
So on to the vital matter of this post!! Da da da daaaah!! You properly figured it out, it’s diet time!! I have come to my senses and I am going on a diet! I have up to tree months to pull my shit together and loose all the weight I can until I have to go into therapy on the Milestone. Because on the Milestone diets are band!! NOOOO!! How will I ever survive..? Ah! Everything in good time! So from tomorrow and the next couple of months I will be on a diet!

I need a diet I can live with… And I need Thomas and my mom to stay in the dark… So, ABC is out of the question! Same with the lemonade… Raw foods is also a no-no… Hmm… How about I just make my own? I mean, I know A LOT about food and nutrition and I can just take bits and pieces from magazines and the internet? Right?

So… First of all I will consume (bear with me) minimum 200 calories and maximum 1000 calories per day AND I will post my daily food-plan on this blog. In case any of you wants to join... And to control myself.
I will eat every 3. hour to keep my metabolism going.
I will minimum drink 1L of water per day –and yes I know it’s nothing, but I am aiming low to begin with.
I will go to the gym ATLEAST 1 time per week!!
I will make 50 sit-ups every morning and every evening – yeah yeah it’s like a drop in the ocean but still something!!
I will make a weigh in every Friday….. I don’t know about that..? Would you like that?

And last but not least – I will start off my diet tomorrow with a lemon-water-fast-day (only one day 'cause otherwise I break and that's not a pretty sight) –no excise (makes me really dizzy).

Yep. Sound alright to you guys? Tell me if it’s a bad idea!

Hehe I’m so so existed!

Love

My dream

2009-11-08T14:38:00.000-08:00

I whished I was rich and thin, but I also wished I could have my perfect home. I hope I get it before I kick the bucket...

It should look something like this:

Beautiful, girly but messy if you get it :)

Love

Late night...

2009-11-07T16:11:00.000-08:00

I needed a laugh <3

Luvlee cupcake

2009-11-07T11:38:00.000-08:00

I have had some rough couple of nights. I can’t sleep until it’s like 5 in the morning and I can’t sleep doing daytime. So lately I haven’t slept at all actually. I think it’s because I’m hungry all the time. It’s a strange kind of hunger though. I can’t really “feel” it, but I sense it’s there –you know?

Oh and something else, my mom saw my blog… The stupid laptop had saved the page and so she borrowed my computer and… Well, you get picture, right? So she was like oh never mind honey! I hardly saw anything and then she ignored it the entire day?! I guess I’m not that surprised. She completely denies that I’m going into treatment. And I must say it doesn’t bother my at all. Maybe a tad… Not that I want to be “saved” or get lots of attention, I would just wish she’d care.

I know for a fact that she’ll never look at my blog again, so I don’t need to change anything I guess. I am a little concerned about what she read… I mean… All that about suicide, purging and restricting? Sigh… But I guess if she has a problem she’ll confront me.

I did BAD on my restricting to day. I ate like a pig. I didn’t even flinch when my step-dad asked me if I wanted another piece of cake –I just grabbed it and ate it! Just like that?!?! I need to think! I need a brain! I need to train tomorrow –hard and long till I’ll have a heart attack! But first of all… Right now, I need a drink.

Happy Saturday ya’ all <3

Friday - sober

2009-11-06T13:22:00.000-08:00

Thinspo 'cause I have nothing else to do...

I'm bored and sober

Love

Cille

A pretty nice feeling

2009-11-06T09:50:00.001-08:00

Good day. Started like crap but is ending well. Skipped school. Slept. Talked to Thomsen...

And ate:

2 piceses of wholegrain dark (always) bread with salmon -no butter

3 cups of green tea

1 latte (at a café and I didn't order ANYTHING else.)

4 nuts -one each second hour to get my motabolisem going

water water water

My only slip; 4 cookies, but I got rid of it quickly after.

So all in all thats okay I guess... No model diet but I'll suvive.

Dinners comming up. Dread? Nah... I feel pretty okay.

Love Cille

The oddest thing

2009-11-05T13:37:00.000-08:00

I know that starving doesn't work for a girl like me. I know that if I starve myself I will binge and my metabolism will slow and do nothing for me. The head doctor of The Miliestone (recovery center) said so... But I can't help thinking... They must be lying to me? They are just bad people who wants me to gain?

And to be hungry makes me FEEL like I'm loosing weight. I feel good, I mean not physically, but like I accomplished something by feeling the pain.

Love
Cille

Wet winter

2009-11-05T08:56:00.000-08:00

People seem so hollow around me. I find them boring. I want something more with life. But I’m scared to find out that’s all there is to it?

Ate today:

4 pieces of bread with turkey.
5 glasses of water
½ glass of milk

That’s it… Proud? Nah. I know why I don’t eat and it aren’t because of willpower. I purposely took myself off the anti depressing medicine because I wasn’t feeling the side effects any longer (nausea).

I restarted on them yesterday. It is horrorble!! I forgot how uncomfortable the side effects are!! It’s like my tong is too big for my mouth and my throat too small for anything to go down. I know it was my own doing… And that you should never play doctor when you have no idea of what you’re doing…

Sigh…

Weight today 126.9lbs

Love
Cille

Dear

2009-11-04T16:27:00.000-08:00

"Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it."

~Swedish Proverb

Just the feel of it!

2009-11-04T13:15:00.000-08:00

So yesterday I hit rock bottom. And I hit it real hard girls. I broke a mirror and cut my thighs with the broken pieces. And I even carved a word (cause I’m that creative). LOST. On English even thought that’s kinda tacky when my native language is danish… It just felt right. Fitting. I'd think about slicing my wrists later, but then again… If I died? That would make matters worse for Thomas and my mom and dad would… Well, they’d properly be better of… But… Okay truth? I didn’t have the gut to end my own life. I just carved LOST and drank vodka till my mom’s boyfriend fetched me from my apartment –to drunk to take the bus. Thomas had called them and said I was acting weird on the phone…

All this wasn’t really a reaction to him having to stay longer in China. I kinda figured, since my dad had somewhat the same job, and therefore I knew it always takes longer than expected when you work in the east. I think what triggered it was frustration. Anger. Pain. I felt like I couldn’t take one more second in this world! I felt like a failure at everything -even living. Like if I was a better girlfriend he would have come home! Which is ridicules, I know… Or if I was better looking my mom would accept me and stop bitching about my school, cause then she would think “Oh well at least she got her looks.” Or if I was skinnier my family would recognize that I have a serious eating disorder instead of just ignoring the entire damn thing?!? I hate my family! I hate my school! I hate my boyfriend! Why do I have to love him so much? They all suck!

… No, they just aren’t perfect, I know. I’m just so sick and tired of it all. Is this what life is about? Live, breed kids and die? I mean is this it?! Sometimes I wish I could give my life to someone who would want it. A small happy kid somewhere who has deadly brain cancer… I would trade my shot at life so the kid could live. So it wasn’t wasted you know? Well life is life, and we all have to live it I guess…

By the way thanks for your support girls! You made me real happy when I read the comments! Nice to know that at least I can blog alright and that someone care<3

Love
Cille

What if...

2009-11-03T08:17:00.000-08:00

Thomas is staying in China for possibly another month.

I'm wondering... If I attempted suicide... Would his company send him home?

Vanish

2009-11-03T05:22:00.000-08:00

I feel like I am drifting away. On a small raft down the river. It's quiet and calm, but I can hear the roars of the waterfall somewhere further down.

I'm drifting away. My raft is leaking and the waterfall is getting closer by the second...

I can't move. I am numb to the core and I don't really mind.

I can't fight. I can't rebel against the closing dangers of my future.

I close my eyes and wait for death to strike.

New layout!

2009-11-02T15:38:00.000-08:00

So...

What do you think?

I kinda dig it even though it's a little... Depressing...

Love

Cille

Wrap me in cotton

2009-11-01T11:01:00.000-08:00

Trying to stay sane proved to be a harder job than I expected. My sanity is hanging by the thread. Had a blackout today -don’t know what caused it… The room suddenly seemed so big and cold. First blurry, then black. And then I was out. When came to my senses I was laying on the floor and had a big bump on my forehead. Aw.

I told Thomas off… Yelled and told him to mind his own business. That was really shitty of me ‘cause he hadn’t done anything wrong! Sorry Thomsen… I’m just over my edge.

Cut myself in the shower… My left upper-inner thigh… And I did it on purpose. I slashed the blade right across the skin and saw the red pearls form from the cut. Saw the blood run down my leg and blend with the hot water on the floor… I felt so much better in that second.

I weigh 127,34lbs today
.

Cille

Gun in ma' eye

2009-10-31T15:08:00.000-07:00

My little sis’ is crying. No screaming.
She’s 9 months old and she’s already driving me insane!
I am a really good big sister, but I have my limitations.

Normally I’m a very easygoing gal, but that baby is THE OMEN!

I HAVEN’T SLEPT IN TREE DAYS!

She’s evil! I tell ya’ EVIL!!!

God…
Last night I put my clock about 6 minutes too fast on purpose…
Just to make time go faster…
I am loosing it.

I miss my boyfriend so much its physically hurting me. I’m stuffing my face with food just to fill that hole in my heart he’d-

ARG! WOULD SOMEONE SHUT HER UP ALREADY??!!? TRYING TO FUCKING BLOG HERE!!!!!!

Freaking thank you…

Sigh...

My mind is hanging by the last string.

I’m cranky. Hungry. Tired. Fat. Pale. In pain.
Wish I’d have the money to do drugs. My life is sooo tiresome at the moment –I just need an escape.

Calorie intake today:
1 sandwitch with salami - 250
2 carrots – 40?
2 cokes – 300 (not even light? I just gave up)
70g of B&J – 100.000.000.000.000.000. Whatever
Like 1kg of dinner? – the same as B&J?

I don’t care anymore. I’m fat and a failure. Nothing can be done for me.

Put a gun in my eye?

POST 100!!!

2009-10-28T14:10:00.000-07:00

Wauw... Never thought this bloggin' thing would stick!!
Well it sure did, and I just wanna thank all my readers and followers from stickin' with me for so long.

We are all messed up kids in the same schoolyard...
Anyhow, I am extremely proud of all of you. Wonderful people, inspirational and insightful bloggers and I’m in no doubt that you guys have an ocean of opportunities in front of you! Normally an ED blogger would tell you guys to stay strong -and I will too, but in a very different sense.

The eating disorder has occurred because it had, maybe still do, a purpose. It gave you meaning and would be a friend in dark times... But just remember... Your ED can't solve the things nagging underneath. Because I know that people perhaps find eating disordered superficial, even vain -but this isn't only about loosing weight. Maybe it never was.

I often wonder how my ED became a friend. What she did for me. And I have come to the conclution, that in my case, she was the one who was tough. She took all the negative things and transferred them onto eating habits and goals I could deal with. She still does that, but I don’t need her so much anymore.

I have come to realize I have my family, my sweet loving boyfriend and my friends to take some of my falls –or at least catch me. I don’t want her in my life ‘cause she fucks everything up when it comes to shearing me. She HATES therapy. She dislikes Thomas. She spits on my family and makes me stick my finger down my throat to “make up” for hanging out with my friends. She’s hurting me. Suffecating me in a slow but surely way. I depice her! I hate her! I wanna snap her twiggy neck right here right now! But a part of me can’t let go. What’s goanna happen? I’m goanna get fat!! I am goanna fail in every thing I do if I don’t keep her close! I don’t know what to do on my own..! Those are the terrifying thoughts that pop in my head every session I have with my therapist.

But as time passes, and I get to see all her nasty sides, I can almost imagine my future without her… Thomas and I -engaged, is the clearest picture I have without an eating disorder. And I cling on to that mental image every time she kicks me while I’m down and tells me I’m no good without her. I am not saying that as a description for all ED’ers but that’s the way I see things.

To sum up -my point is, take care. Seek help while you can. And unlike me DON’T let it haunt you for six years. An eating disorder can really fuck things up -even though it comes handy sometimes, it isn’t nearly helping as much as it destroys. Don't waste time like I did. Don't miss the small joys of life. Kiss that boy you’ve always liked, sleep in on Sundays instead of running 3 miles, love your family and talk to them... Don’t hide your pain.

Now enough of my wiseass shit... I love you guys -and I know that's lame since I never met you, but I do somehow. I just want you all to be happy…

This is by the way a piece of my diary (don't ask me why it's in english -just feels natural to me). I sketch my thoughts and try to capture what's going on in my head. To kinda save it for later or maybe even one day show my boyfriend.

>Not at great sketcher - but not horrorble either<

Thats me talking to my ED. We are arguing about treatment and Thomas -aka Thomsen.

Sorry for grammar and all that! I don't have the wonder of spelling control in my head.

Click to enlarge

Love Cille

Life gives me lemons

2009-10-27T01:14:00.000-07:00

... At the moment.

So listen to my terrific morning -she said. Her voice thick with sarcasm.
Lately I'm having trouble sleeping, so I when to bed at like 4.23 pm or whatever, and was planning to get up at 6 so I could get ready for school. I wake up and snooze the darn thing. I just felt so tired. Fell lightly asleep (the kinda sleep you know you goanna wake up from soon) and after a while I woke to check the time -it suddenly felt like a lot of snoozing! I look at the timer and it is passed 8!! FUCK! I think to myself "fuck it anyway, I need sleep to function..." Even though I feel a small spike of guild in the pit of my stomach I close my eyes.

So I fall asleep for the last time, and my mom (god bless her by the way) asks me why I’m not getting ready for school. I yell at her and say that it's too late! I overslept! Game over! She looks at me and sighs... No? It's like 7.30?

(Confused that I can mistake an entire hour? Well winter time is upon us… So I sat my clock an hour forward… Unfortunately my clever high-tech phone already did that -all by it self, so when my alarm when off… IT WAS FUCKING FIVE IN THE FUCKING MORNING! No wonder I was so tired? I only slept 30 minutes!!!!)

My reaction must have been priceless. "WHAT!?" In that word I fall out of the bed -face first.

Never the less I get dressed like a tornado. Got some basic make up on and zipped my new boots. I was on my way.

I asked my step-dad if I could borrow his bike ('cause my mom's bike is stolen and mine is.. Well.. Not here.) He said "sure." I said "great"...

Ran down to fetch the bike from the basement (which it's quite hard with 6 inch stilettos) got the stupid bike and I was READY! Still 10 minutes on the clock -I could just make it!

But here's the thing; my step-dad's bike is a man-bike. You cannot, I repeat, YOU CANNOT go on board on this bike like a lady. You have to swing your god damn leg backwards like a russian ballerina to even get on that crap ass bike!!! Shit! But I managed...

Hard parts over… Right? WONG! Even with my highest shoes I can't reach the fucking ground... I try to break. I can't. I panic. The bike is rolling on to the road. FEAR! Ice cold fear strikes me. I try to get off. Can't. Falling.

So I fell. With my new shoes. They are so messed up now! How am I EVER goanna get them clean!??!?! Scratches everywhere!!!

Oh... And by the way. I broke my foot in the process. Jep… Fucking BROKE my god damn foot...

Fucking fantastic. Life gives me lemons an' I suck RIGHT into them!!!

Ouch...

Ah, to be honest I haven’t seen the doctor yet but my mom says it might be worse than it look. I don’t hope so… Otherwise I can’t wear my new boots!!

Just for the record -my mom is an angel. When she saw me in the doorway with black mascara smudged around my tear-filled eyes and holding my left boot in the hand, all she did was help me in and stroke my hair… While I cried my eyes out over nothing.

And I don't cry so often...

I don’t know… I just feel extremely delicate at the moment. Like all my skin is burned off and left my nerves exposed. Everything gets to me. EVERYTHING! My mom ran down to 7-11 and got me a magazine, some coke zero and diet candy… = Angel.

Love Cille