Jazz, coffee and homework

Good morning!






Right now I'm gulping down my coffee and reading up on some homework before I have to go to school, so I'm pretty stressed -sorry for the short post


I did really good on my "diet" yesterday, almost no slipups, and today the future is looking all pink and bright.
I ended up eating for 1000kalories worth of salad, yoghurt and veggies yesterday. And even though I know it wasn't the lowest of calorie-intakes I still feel better than I did two days ago.

Today I'm writing everything down (just for funsies) and so far I've had:

1 cup of coffee with skim milk : 40cals
50g of fibre cereal with skim milk : 230cals
Total:270cals (if I skipped the cereal I would have been better off calorie wise, but... I can't go from everything to nothing -it never works on me.)


Later I'm goanna have two climetines for snack and then a yoghurt at lunch and salad for dinner, then and a run before Thomas comes home -if everything plans out the way I want :)


See yer later alligator

BTW -very first weigh in on Friday!! I'm scared!



Love Cille

My mom's wedding

I started school not so long ago and I have to say, I'm really enjoying it.
Firstly because I was bored out of my mind doing noting, secondly because I'm actually really smart (compared to the average anyway).
Overall study-wise I'm doing good.
But, to no ones' surprise, I am eating way to much crap. No fruit and all fries. I know I know... I'm really disgusted by even typing that! I can't help to think the word foodwhore.
I have been piling on weight since November and I am sick of carrying all this extra jiggle around. My shirts are too tight, my panties are too tight even my freaking tights are to tight!
To draw a picture; I've gone from a 12 to a 14 size UK in approximately tree months... Every weight nightmare I've ever had is coming to life!!

My mom's wedding is in seven months from now, which means that I have seven months to loose all my hateweight. Arms, boobs, belly, thighs and ass! It's a "everything most go" sale of fat.

The way to do this?
I have (properly) mentioned this a few times on the blog but lets go through it again so Cille can keep up, shall we?

1) Motivation. It is vital for any weight loss to stay focused and to keep the goal in mind at all times.To get motivated enough to enduring a "diet" you can do all sorts of things. Carry thinspo around all day. Snap your wrist with a rubberband every time you want to eat. Eat naked in front of the mirror. All that crazy stuff. Personally I prefer to write down the reasons I want to loose weight and then pull them out mentally when I need to.
Top 3 motivating reasons to stay on track:

Fashion -reading magazines, checking blogs, watching fashion shows and model/designer documenteries. Every time I see a dress I know I can't wear because of my fat boobs or belly I feel like running 5 miles!!

Health -keep up with diet/work out trends. I wanna look like I'm 25 at the age of 40, and unhealthy overweight people usually don't.

The high -Spending waaay to more time than mentally healthy looking at myself. But there is nothing better than to stand in front of a mirror and love the way you look. At rare occasions it happens to me and it feels so awesome!


2) Action. One thing is to think "I want to get thin" an other is to do something about it!
I usually start my diet periods with:

Cleaning out my fridge and stocking up on green.

Rejoining the gym or gym classes -but since I'm broke that will have to wait till March. I'm running with my boyfriend instead.

Taking the bike to school instead of the bus.

Saying "no thank you!"

NEVER EVER buying candy/cake/non diet soda -not even for anybody else.

Drinking tea/homemade sugarfree ice tea/water/diet soda -nonstop!

Weighing myself every week -Friday 06:00am.

Eating vitamin pills.



3) Endurance: the hardest thing for me is this step... I almost always fall of the wagon after a couple of weeks but the advices to keep going sound something like this:

Stay motivated!

Don't go to extremes when it comes to diets -lemonade, cabbage soup, cotton ball diet...

Treat yourself a piece of dark chocolate once in a while. (I don't think so...)

Don't eat the same menu over and over again -it causes craves.

Reword yourself with spa/massages/clothes as your weight loss progresses.







Jup, so that's all for now everybody. If you have any tips I am more than glad to post them :)
Love Cille

X-mas

It's that time a year again, and we all know what this means.

Fatty artery clotting food unmistakeably involving; creamy thick sauce, dry sponge cake, mountains of powder sugar, veggies fried up in syrupy syrup and of cause the cold weather. Brr.

Lucky I have been raised to hate Christmas food and everything about this deadly tradition that is "The Feast". And for that I can't help but to love my mom even more! It's not like she slapped my fingers as I would take a second slice of the glazed pork -she just doesn't like the Danish Christmas food, and as a five year old I would mimic her. I still do in many ways.
Ergo, I'm never that worried about having to sit at a table for hours on end with fat on my plate. What really worries me is the chocolate, cake, nougat, rice pudding, cherry sauce, honey roasted nuts, AND alcohol! I have a soft spot for all those things and Christmas is the time where I have to say no three time as much.

So far it's December the 9th and I haven't gained any weight. I want to keep it that way, and I want to loose weight in January where I'm starting school again.

I can't help but to feel that the constant "no"ing is somehow empowering. I like not eating. Not so much the hunger, but the "I don't feel hungry, so I don't eat" feel. I don't have to think so hard about the consistences of what I eat if I don't eat! Eureka!
Of course I put something in my mouth sometimes, like this morning, a banana. And sometimes I eat something the old me would have purged, like yesterday, rice pudding and (heavenly) cheese cubes with figs.
Admitted, I was thinking about purging it, but the whole sticking my fingers down my throat seems a little... Overrated. I don't... Feel the need to do that so much any more. Of course when Thomas had taken a surprise video of me reading and I saw how unbelievably fat I looked, I was annoyed that I didn't purge those treacherous cheese cubes. But as I turned over and laid in the nudge of Thompson's arm I forgot all about the purging and more about how I could justify my action. I hadn't had more that two pieces of toast, a latte and a small portion of salmon salad the entire day. Justified.
I still feel guilty that I can't seem to wheel myself in the times of family cosiness, but... I guess I'm human to the bone when it comes to watching a film with my mom, stepdad and little sister (she's two = extremely cute).




Love Cille
Merry Christmas (even though it's a horrid food season)

Three months

Has it really been tree months since I last posted something about my life?
I guess there hasn't been anything to post. It's so boring being ordenarry. Being sane. Fat.

I got boothed from my job because of cut downs and now I'm unimploied again. BORING!
I'm starting school in January. Single classes to finish my exsam. Yawn.
And, wait for it, I'm super FAT!

I've been in a meditative state theese last months. Not thinking about what I put in my mouth. When to sleep or what to do. Everything has just kinda happened, you know? By it self, and without me knowing, life is just drifting by.

I'm turning 20 in January... Geez I was just getting used to telling people I was 19 and that we are in the 2010!
Soon I'll be 20 and the year'll be 2011...

My life is passing and I do not want to spend my youth on being fat! I can get fat when I'm old and about to die anyway. But not now. Not now when my boobs are still in the upper body area and I'm wrinkle-free.

But I can't do this on my own. I'm too weak alone. I think I need my bulimia to be my trumph. To save me when I screw up -which I will at some point, because... Everybody does... But with a bulimia it's not all or nothing. With that I can have my cake and eat it too -quite litterally.
I feel really disgusted with myself that I'm so greedy!!


Love Cille

coffee and jeans

Good evening lovelies


So I slipped on the 'no-coffee-from the coffee shop' today, but the rest of my plan sticks. To make up for the (awesome) cup of iced-coffee I skipped the yoghurt and lunch. I still think the yoghurt+lunch would have left me with fever calories and a healthier gut flora, but... I'm human, as little as I would like to admit to that, and I sometimes give in to temptation... Ah, life would be so much easier if I would remember to use my brain when I'm hungry and tired.

Today has been a tough working day. I ran up and down the stairs, carrying a shit load of jeans, to tag and untag clothes for a small sale we're having at the store. I felt like I could've fainted, but with every step I thought: exercise if healthy, I need exercise, if it hurts it means that I'm loosing weight! Just one more step! And don't you dare to sit down, you lard-ass!

Tomorrow is my day off, thank havens, and I'm planning on meeting up with a good friend and having a cup of coffee downtown. I'm goanna take your advise, ~Nessa~ , and have a skim milk ice latte -no syrup -no sugar to compensate for my addictive ice-blend. I would love to have a morning run but my gym shoes are at my other apartment because I forgot to get them today. ARG I hate living two places!






Lovely love
Cille

Better late than never

Ever since I got this job as a store assistant, I've been so famished and exhausted that the second I get off, I'm running (in my new super cute kitten heel LV inspired shoes) to the nearest coffee shop to get a huge caffeine packed Ice latte/smootie. They are so good, with an after-taste of caramel and espresso, that I can literally feel energy flowing through me just after one drag.
BUT, they are unhealthy, fattening and, not to be forgotten, expensive (like 6 bucks!)

So, as you know I'm all about thinking forward, and I am 99% sure that if I eat during my non-existent break and plan what I'm goanna eat when, I can avoid the THREE coffee shops on my 5 minutes bus ride home.

Here's the plan for the next week I wrote in my calender:

Wednesday 15/09:
Morning - 1 blueberry smoothie
Snack - 1 cup of yoghurt
Lunch - 1 piece of toasted dark wholegrain bread + a salad
Dinner - tomato/onion salad + 1 slice of veggi lasagne
Exercise - 1hour pilates

Thursday 16/09:
Morning - coffee/green tea + 1 egg + 1 piece of dark wholegrain bread
Snack - an apple
Lunch - Chicken salad
Dinner - half og whats served
Exercise - 50 sit-ups, 20 push'ups, 50 ball squats (I take a pilates ball up between a wall and my back and then squat) + a morning run (min 2km-max 5km)

Friday 17/09:
Morning - 1 apple 1 ricecake with light spread cheese + soya milk
Snack - carrots
Lunch - soup + bread
Dinner - don't know yet for sure, but properly steak and baked potato (Thomas might be coming home!)
Exercise - resting day, but 20 push-ups didn't kill nobody.

Saturday 18/09:
Morning - egg-white omelet with broccoli + 1 apple
Snack - cucumber sticks
Lunch - soup
Dinner - ? Depends on if I eat at my mom's, in that case -always only half of what's served
Exercise - 1 hour fitness centre

Sunday 19/09:
Morning - 1 cup of yoghurt + a smoothie
Snack - 12 pieces of fruit
Lunch - a dark wholegrain sandwich w. tuna
Dinner - donno
Exercise - 45 minutes yoga

Monday 20/09:
Morning - oatmeal with milk and raisins
Snack - 3 carrots
Lunch - seafood wholegrain pastasalad
Dinner - donno
Exercise - 1 hour pilates


That's it. I don't know if you guys can use my plan to anything at all, but at least I think I can.
Tomorrow awaits another rough no-break day at the shop.


Sleep tight and don't let the bedbugs bite
love
Cille

01:00

I hate this.
Waiting for something to trigger me to become somebody else is beyond boresome, not to mention devastating.

I want to do and be more but I keep waiting for a sign to take action.

I loath myself so much when I'm alone, it's hard even to do the dishes. I hate myself. This body, personality and mind seems so out of place in the world I sometimes forget how to walk properly when going to the store. I live on the outside of my life. Spending endless hours reading about imaginary worlds and burdening myself with imaginary emotions. Reading the same pages again and again to pickle the moment in a little jar in my head. I feel wrong. I am wrong. Fake. Lifeless. Misplaced. Odd. Awkward. F.A.T.
I know that if I was skinnier, people would think my insanity to be a little more cute and a little less appalling.

Thomas has been in Saudi Arabia (his a businessman) for over a month. He calls me every night and says that he misses me and that he loves me, I repeat his words in my high pinched voice spattered with something close to remorse, and then hang up.
I hate myself so much less when his close to me.

Maybe that's why I'm being so fucked up at the moment. Thomas always tone down my crazy... Just a notch. God how I wish he was here to pet my hair and kiss me... I don't really remember how it feels to be kissed? Can that be right? Does the sensation go away this quickly?
Then I'm screwed if he dies...
I'm pretty sure I would die too...









Confused and tired love
Cille