My mom's wedding

I started school not so long ago and I have to say, I'm really enjoying it.
Firstly because I was bored out of my mind doing noting, secondly because I'm actually really smart (compared to the average anyway).
Overall study-wise I'm doing good.
But, to no ones' surprise, I am eating way to much crap. No fruit and all fries. I know I know... I'm really disgusted by even typing that! I can't help to think the word foodwhore.
I have been piling on weight since November and I am sick of carrying all this extra jiggle around. My shirts are too tight, my panties are too tight even my freaking tights are to tight!
To draw a picture; I've gone from a 12 to a 14 size UK in approximately tree months... Every weight nightmare I've ever had is coming to life!!

My mom's wedding is in seven months from now, which means that I have seven months to loose all my hateweight. Arms, boobs, belly, thighs and ass! It's a "everything most go" sale of fat.

The way to do this?
I have (properly) mentioned this a few times on the blog but lets go through it again so Cille can keep up, shall we?

1) Motivation. It is vital for any weight loss to stay focused and to keep the goal in mind at all times.To get motivated enough to enduring a "diet" you can do all sorts of things. Carry thinspo around all day. Snap your wrist with a rubberband every time you want to eat. Eat naked in front of the mirror. All that crazy stuff. Personally I prefer to write down the reasons I want to loose weight and then pull them out mentally when I need to.
Top 3 motivating reasons to stay on track:

Fashion -reading magazines, checking blogs, watching fashion shows and model/designer documenteries. Every time I see a dress I know I can't wear because of my fat boobs or belly I feel like running 5 miles!!

Health -keep up with diet/work out trends. I wanna look like I'm 25 at the age of 40, and unhealthy overweight people usually don't.

The high -Spending waaay to more time than mentally healthy looking at myself. But there is nothing better than to stand in front of a mirror and love the way you look. At rare occasions it happens to me and it feels so awesome!


2) Action. One thing is to think "I want to get thin" an other is to do something about it!
I usually start my diet periods with:

Cleaning out my fridge and stocking up on green.

Rejoining the gym or gym classes -but since I'm broke that will have to wait till March. I'm running with my boyfriend instead.

Taking the bike to school instead of the bus.

Saying "no thank you!"

NEVER EVER buying candy/cake/non diet soda -not even for anybody else.

Drinking tea/homemade sugarfree ice tea/water/diet soda -nonstop!

Weighing myself every week -Friday 06:00am.

Eating vitamin pills.



3) Endurance: the hardest thing for me is this step... I almost always fall of the wagon after a couple of weeks but the advices to keep going sound something like this:

Stay motivated!

Don't go to extremes when it comes to diets -lemonade, cabbage soup, cotton ball diet...

Treat yourself a piece of dark chocolate once in a while. (I don't think so...)

Don't eat the same menu over and over again -it causes craves.

Reword yourself with spa/massages/clothes as your weight loss progresses.







Jup, so that's all for now everybody. If you have any tips I am more than glad to post them :)
Love Cille

01:00

I hate this.
Waiting for something to trigger me to become somebody else is beyond boresome, not to mention devastating.

I want to do and be more but I keep waiting for a sign to take action.

I loath myself so much when I'm alone, it's hard even to do the dishes. I hate myself. This body, personality and mind seems so out of place in the world I sometimes forget how to walk properly when going to the store. I live on the outside of my life. Spending endless hours reading about imaginary worlds and burdening myself with imaginary emotions. Reading the same pages again and again to pickle the moment in a little jar in my head. I feel wrong. I am wrong. Fake. Lifeless. Misplaced. Odd. Awkward. F.A.T.
I know that if I was skinnier, people would think my insanity to be a little more cute and a little less appalling.

Thomas has been in Saudi Arabia (his a businessman) for over a month. He calls me every night and says that he misses me and that he loves me, I repeat his words in my high pinched voice spattered with something close to remorse, and then hang up.
I hate myself so much less when his close to me.

Maybe that's why I'm being so fucked up at the moment. Thomas always tone down my crazy... Just a notch. God how I wish he was here to pet my hair and kiss me... I don't really remember how it feels to be kissed? Can that be right? Does the sensation go away this quickly?
Then I'm screwed if he dies...
I'm pretty sure I would die too...









Confused and tired love
Cille

The conscious camillion

Do you ever feel restlessly numb?
Like your soul's been shot up on a mix between horse tranquilliser and speed.
Or is that just me?

It's like this; I want to feel something so bad that I'm pushing myself through emotions that aren't even real!
Last night I watched P.s. I love you -which is a pretty emotional movie, and I put myself so much in the place of the protagonist that I cried 30 minutes after the credits had rolled! I wandered around the apartment, sobbing and didn't sleep until around half past three in the morning because I felt my "beautiful Irish husband had died"...
And this tendency to overly react to unreal situations is really becoming my (quite unwanted) trademark. I've done this since... Forever, I guess, when I think about it.

I think I was about 6 the first time it happened. I was mindlessly scanning the telly for Cartoon Network to see what time it was (I estimated my time through cartoons -power puff girls = early morning, Tom and Jerry = late afternoon, Dexter = dinnertime) when I hit an old TCN war movie that caught my eye.
It was two soldiers in the middle of the icy woods of (I suppose) Russia. It was dead quiet and snowing in this scene and one of the soldier's legs were missing. His comrade hugged his upper body while the legless guy screamed in pain. In that moment I could feel how the ice and snow was gnawing into the leftover stumps of thigh. I could feel the despair of being all alone and helpless in the cold. And, it felt like I was going to fall apart.
Tears came streaming down my face like never before and I cried out all the emotions that had so suddenly washed over me.

Wow, such an odd memory... And I remember every detail about it. The smell, the bad reception, my sweet Mom striding across the living room with confused eyes.

Hmm...
If I ever write a self-biography (a reflection of Cecilie Pedersen -a spiteful and spacey bulimic) that memory will evidently take up a chapter.






Love

Devils dancefloor

Aaah, so good evening lovelies.


Having a nice weekend so far? Mine has been exhausting!

I got a job at NEXT (thanks for your support) as a shop assistant, so that's good. I don't get paid in diamonds, if you know what I mean, but it should do for rent and the basics. The job itself is really good for my social persona and to burn calories. I meet new people every day when I'm working the sales floor AND I have to stand up in 5 hours straight (no breaks if you work under 5 hours per day)! That part is actually a lot harder than you'd think. I worked on Friday and then again today and my legs/back/feet haven't been this torn up since my London shopping trip. Boy... It burns, when you're just a regular "Joe" like me, to stand that long in flats.

The boss is really nice and so are my co-workers, but they are all, (seriously) size xsmall. Short and petite. I feel like giant fat Viking next to those girls! I'm tall-ish and big framed with crazy big blond hair. I hate it when I don't blend in because of my size.
So to solve this -properly delusional- problem, I've decided that the expression: "I am hungry" those exact words in that exact order will NEVER leave my mouth again when in the presence of others. I find them weak and they always leave a bad taste in my mouth so now, I shall never utter them again.

And to answer you question, yes, I have gone completely and entirely mad. Heh.

Type to you later loves.



Love Cille

Dark side

Here the other night the (normally quiet) poet in me felt like taking over for a while, so I filled page after page about how it fells to be in my shoes and how I would love to kick those clogs off!

I'll admit the poems themselves doesn't make that much sense if you don't live in my head, but then who else is goanna read them except me?
I'm defently NOT posting them here -it would be to cruel to expose you guys to THAT. Heh. But it felt really wonderful to just get it down on paper -I recommend it.

So... Today I didn't weigh myself but I "felt" light this morning so I didn't want destroy that feel-good-feeling with a number. Not today.

Thomas is in Japan this week, lucky bastard -although it's work I still envy him. He promised to bring some healthy dried fish back to me, which sounds really nasty, but I LOVE strange food -especially fish, and some other odd stuff! Japan is sooo weird! I LOVE IT! Cosplay, umbrella hats, raw seafood BRING IT ON! Hmph... Lucky him.

In the meanwhile I'm studying (read: should be studying) for my oral German exam. It's on Friday and I'm am nowhere ready for facing such a challenge at this point. I feel so... Empty in life right now. A little suicidal, but aren't we all at some point in life, and a little depressed. But I'll be fine. I just don't know how the hell I'm goanna get though those shitty exams!! Damn.
Any suggestions?





Lots of love Cille

I think I'll die another day!

I woke an hour ago and felt like life is goanna turn out okay. Today.
No giant breakdown.
No real binging.

Maybe this post will make better sense if I tell about what a day from hell yesterday was.
I had the first of my final exams -English.
I went fine. I was fine... Until I wasn't.
I had just walked away from the test-room when suddenly the entire sky just came crashing down on me! I felt like I was cracking in half! I couldn't breathe or speak or stand existing any-more!!
Hysterically I grabbed my phone and got a hold of Thomas (boyfriend trough 3 years). He picked up after only two rings and asked how the test went.
The only problem was just that I seriously couldn't form a sentence! I was a mess! The only thing I really could say was something like: "I don't know... I feel. It bad? I... No."
He apparently understood my panic language and started to calm me down by telling me the simplest things: "breathe Cille. Walk to the bus. Come home and I will be home too."
In that moment I just felt so unbelievable thankful for such a wonderful man existed in my world.
I got home and Thomas fetched my from the station.
At that point I still couldn't compliment an entire sentence but Thomas just held my hand tight and assured me that I wouldn't fly away as long as I held on tight too.

Do not ask me what just happened there!
I guess it was some kind of panic attack? That school will be over soon and I have to manage life on my own? Like an actual adult!

I don't know... But today as I said it, life will be manageable.
Last night I had a Nightmare about my teeth falling out and I was on seriously dangerous drugs. That my mom was ashamed of me and all I loved just faded away before my eyes (including my teeth heh). That's where I realised...
It could be worse!


So have a good day everybody!!


Love Cille

A dream about god

I hate my boobs. No, really, I do.
I hate my hips.
I hate my broad shoulders.
I overall hate my large frame! I take too much space in space...
I want to be small. Little. Tiny.
Perhaps like a child?
No boobs, no hips, no signs of being an adult who has to take responsibility.

Today I feel asleep on the sofa after pilates. I had a dream about angels and demons, and god. Jup god -and I'm not really an religious person, but I had a dream about god. God was a woman. Beautiful and looked a bit like an singer from the 1930's. I dreamt that we fought the demons and won and as an reword for my hard work I was granted two wishes.
Guess what I wished for...
"I want to be thin and rich please!!" God shook her head and snapped her fingers... Poof! I was what I wanted, but I didn't feel any different!
Then I woke up.
Symbolic or what!?


Love
Cille

Make me strong!!!

Hey girls!
Welcome back! I'm really flattered that so so SO many are following my blog! When I started I thought that nobody in the entire world would ever read my rather avarge words. So I'm really glad that somebody do, and that I'm writing something people can use or reflect to.

Jup.
I am not doing so hot with my big fight with bulimia.Lately the urge to loose weight has been so strong that I'm falling back into my old pattern. Starve, binge, purge and starve again. My boyfriend has been so great about this whole thing and he has really become a strong allay but I feel like I'm being such a burden in his life that I don't wanna ask for help when I seriously need it!

Hmm. I weighed in at 68,07kg this morning (naked) and I was really happy for a moment! All like: "YAY!! GO ME!" But then I remembered that, that kind of emotion is a no-no (when you are trying to get rid of and ED) and that's the ED cheering -not me!
Shit. So I got all depressed because of the "naughty feeling" and how I still let the eating disorder get the best of me.

I went to pilates class (greatest form of workout EVER) at nine am and it was swell, but right after I went to the bakery and bought two mini cream and strawberry pies to me and Thomas... I don't know why I did it 'cause I didn't really feel the urge to something sweet... Maybe to sabotage myself?
I don't know. But I have been eating okay today. Both recording to my ED-recovery program AND recording to myself. The only "slip" was the mini pie and too much diet coke AND I'm properly goanna eat some chocolate I have in the kitchen.

So to avoid (future) binging I'm goanna put some (ED recovery) quotes and pictures on my kitchen cabinets to remind myself to THINK!
The ones that really caught my eye are these:

Self-love is the instrument of our preservation. - Voltaire

When the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, it may be that they take better care of it there. - Cecil Selig

You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. - Buddha

What a lovely surprise to finally discover how unlonely being alone can be. - Ellen Burstyn

Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.- Thomas Edison

Forget past mistakes. Forget failures. Forget about everything except what you're going to do now - and do it. - William Durant

You don't have to control your thoughts; you just have to stop letting them control you.- Dan Millman

Fall seven times, stand up eight. - Japanese proverb

If one is a Greyhound, why try to look like a Pekingese? - Edith Sitwell

If you're going through hell, keep going. -Winston Churchill

Lots of love

Cille

Yoga and nothing

God this day SUCKS in Denmark. The whether is super grey -I think it might rain soon, and I have like a zillion tings to do today!!! Okay it's actually only four highlights...
Yoga class, school, fixing my contact lenses and cleaning the apartment... All sucky things.

A.N.D. I. A.M. F.A.T. T.O.D.A.Y.
So no food... Weeh...

Anyways, weighed in at 71.4kg this morning. FAT


Well talk to yer' later girls


Love
Cille

The naughty list

This is the lists of which I try to keep close in my everyday, and if I'm on a diet I just reorganise some goodie-stuff to the naughty list (ex. like jam, nuts, honey).

Of course both lists depends on my mood and situation, and this is just on top of my head.

Naughty list:

FASTFOOD!!

Chocolate

Ice cream

Candy

Cream

Pure sugar

Cake

Pastry

Cereal

Rice

Pasta

White bread

Butter

"Salt"

Fatty sliced cheese/meat (everything with over 200kcal per 100g)

Fatty meat (like pork/bacon)

Alcohol

Ketchup

Mayo

dressing

Sauce

Oil

Regular soda

Chocolate milk

Fat milk

Fat yoghurt

Goodie list:

Water/tea

Coffee

Skim milk

Diet soda

Veggies

Fruit

Nuts

Whole grain bread

Yoghurt (under 3,5% fat)

Honey

Jam

Pesto (as butter)

Lean sliced cheese/meat

Fish

Seafood

Turkey/chicken

Egg

Diet quick noddles

NUPO

Light margarine

vitamins/supplements

Love Cille

Diamonds are forever...

"Diamonds are made through the pressure and pain of fire."

Pretty wreek -Control

Gosh that helps me so much to push though and keep on running!!

Love Cille

?

Uh Mama!

I look great today!! I can see my body change from day to day! Tighter tights, slimmer arms and killer collarbones! I just need to keep working hard and I will look awesome in a bikini by summer! Wubii!

Eating lots of lean protein and working out 1 hour today!

Have a tremendous day girls <3

Love Cille

Tell me...

Wow, I don't know where to begin.
I'm doing "good" in therapy, but I don't know how long it will last. I eat, sleep, work out and sleep some more. My life is a blur.

I lost 3 pounds since last week -which I feel great about! I'm now at 130lbs (171cm tall). That's fine. I'm okay, 'Cause I can see I'm going in the right direction. I want to accept my body and move on with my life. No more ED -10 years is enough!! I just need to shed the last pounds and control my purging and then I think I'm goanna be just fine.

Eating the right thing is hard. My dietitian says I need to eat more fat to make my brain and mussels function properly, but I have NO intention to listen to that fat cow. If she’s overweight then how is she goanna provide diet advice for me?
She also says I have to eat more carbs and protein since I work out every day. I agree. If I want to build up my mussels I NEED protein.
I still binge, but not as much and as violently as before. I have about one binge per. week, and it isn't as big amounts. Maybe 1000-2000cal. The purging is also improving. I purge 2-4 times a day -not that bad comparing to 20-22times a day.
I work out every day for about an hour and a half. I run 3km and row 1 and then I do weights + crunches + strength. Some times I throw in a little cross trainer or stepping just to get real sweaty. Then I stretch for 15min and then I'm done.
So that's what I spend my time doing. Sleep, eat, work out and sleep some more. And of course I am in group therapy at The Milestone (ED treatment center). Yawn. I just finished my routine so I think I deserve a nap.

Have a wonderful Wednesday girls.


Love Cille

Things we already knew!

We all know the essential methods of losing weight by now, but I like to have them just to remind me what I can do better! Or just do...




*Before you start a particular workout regime, take a photo of yourself in a bikini. Do this on a weekly basis, as it helps in keeping a check of your waistline. (I find that EXTREAMLY helpful when I feel like I’m getting nowhere with my exacise)

*Hydrating your body is essential and helps you in avoiding certain intakes. Thirst is misunderstood, many a times for hunger. Adequate water and liquids in the diet helps in warding hunger and helps to eliminate wastes and toxins. (we all knew that one)

*Chew well and eat. Proper mastication prevents over eating, as the brain waits to hear the signals from the stomach. As the hunger pangs are removed, the brain receives a stop signal from the stomach. (no news there)

*A coffee or diet beverages help to postpone hunger.

*Supermodel diet tips comprise of tomatoes, apples, lettuce and diet coke. (Cool so does mine! Then why am I fat?)

*Green tea or plain tea helps in eliminating your hunger, in a temporary manner.

*Avoid deep fat frying. Baking, boiling, grilling, stewing, micro waving and pressure cooking are the best methods of cooking.

*A healthy breakfast is the right way to start your day. Skipping breakfast increases the pangs of hunger by the end of the day. (blahblah blah)

*Skinless poultry, fish and lean meat are recommended animal foods.

*Freshly cut fruits and vegetables are healthy snacks. (well daah)

*Saturated and Trans fats namely, margarine, butter, clarified butter are replaced by vegetable oils, such as olive, flaxseed, safflower and sunflower oil.

*Drinking lemon infused water is not only refreshing but is far healthier than calorie filled beverages. Other options include adding citrus fruits or a splash of juice in the water, drinking infused teas such as mango and peach tea that is loaded with flavor but with very few calories.

*Remember what you can add to your diet instead of what must be taken away. Firstly stay focused on getting the recommended five to six servings of fresh fruits and vegetables every day. This can help you in not only meeting your fiber goals but also help you feel more satisfied from the volume of fresh food that you consume.



And if you eat something naughty, you can just stick you fingers down you're throat and puke till you're thin...

(been there, done that)




Christ.

I'm grumpy today. I think it's 'cause I had cake yesterday and didn't do anything about it.



Bad girl!

Love

On the highway to hell

Gosh, where to begin?

First of all, I'm so stressed out about school. Everyone is putting so much weight on my shoulders! Do this, do that, that's not good enough! NOTHING I do is good enough, and it's driving me insane! And the worst part is, there's nobody to blame for my failure than me.
Only I can flip my uselessness into success, I just don't know how?

My new years resolution was to do my best at all times! And you know what? My best just aren’t good enough!!! So what do I do now?


I had the worst day yesterday. I spend the entire day bingeing and purging. About 20 times and that's exclusive all the times I was rinsing... I even puked up a little blood up. I know, gross!! But I guess it was a scratch in the throat more than something serious. I have no idea what set this off. I think it was because I was alone and had purged my anti depressives... Arg. That was hell! I called Thomas, who was in the city with some friends, and told him to come home. I'm really embarrassed now, but I think it was good I got him home, because I was extremely sad and broken.

Today I’m all better but I’m tired and my throat burns. My fingers are chipped with teeth-marks and my face swollen. I hate bulimia. It sucks!


Love

Piece of cake

Ugh. Hungry. Tired. Bored...

My morning in tree words.

I'm sitting in english class, boreing my ass off!! I didn't make a assignment and now I have been deported to the computer room to make the assignment. That's just though luck!
Well... as you can see I'm not making much progress.

That covers bored.

I'm tired 'cause I woke up at 5am (or pm? At night anyways) after a bad dream! And I mean a REALLY bad dream! About a baby getting dropped at the floor and... Uh... I can't describe it. It was horrible!!!

And last but not least, HUNGRY! I just ate two apples and would kill for another...


I'm REALLY looking forward to after school. My mom and I are going to see a photo exhibit called "love me" and it looks super interesting.
And later I'm going to meet up with some girls at my place and drink wine. I think it's going to be a nice evening. Not scared at all <3

Talk to you guys later :)

Love

My day so far...

Is pretty darn good!

All morning I've been watching Rachel Zoe Project and eating yoghurt! Fabulous! I got LOTS of inspiration from the show to my wardrobe! I look really good today!

I got a little Boho/high street going on today and I looove it! I'll maybe post some pic's of it later on but... You know me.

Sooo anyways.
My plans for today are simple; 15.00 - drink coffee, 16.00 go home, 17.00 pick out my outfit for my 2 years anniversary with Thomas, 19.00 - eat drink and have fun all night long ;)

Yup that's it sweeties!!


Love

tea for two

Good mornin' everyone an' welcome to the crazyness of my univers!

Today I'm happy again! Ain't that strange? Maybe not THAT stange since I've been doing great on my "diet". (heh. Get it? die-t? No matter just a side note)

And yes! I shouldn't BE on a diet ('cause I'm in recovery) but I just need the thrill!!! The thrill of planning and plotting my day and be able to pat myself on the shoulder for doing good. Weird? Yes ... Yada yada yada...

But at least I'm eating again! Breakfast: joghurt, snack/lunch some bread with fish and a coffee. That ain't too bad for me or the "eat healthy not like an ED" phillosofy. Good. All in all really good I think!

Yawn!!! I'm so sleepy! I got out of bed at seven and I'm used to getting up at twelve! (and I can't figur out the pm. and am. thing! But it was in the morning)

Ugh. And eating breakfast? yuck. I can't get anything solid down before lunch, which is no more than a bad habit.

So what should I post about? I have been talking for 20 lines and yet said nothing. I guess my head is empty today?

Love

Another day, another challenge…

Today I was my first official day at the Milestone (ED treatment center ((Stolpegård on Danish))!
The morning was tough. I didn’t want to go and my subconscious kept sabotaging “me getting out of the door”. Suddenly I had to do this and finish that; and when I ran out of excuses I FINALLY pushed myself out the door.
I was late. I ran to the train. I ran to the bus. I ran down the ally to the center, and when I got there? I just stood outside, starring with terror at the frightening building, for ten minutes! I just couldn’t bring myself to go in there like it was any other building! Maybe ‘cause it wasn’t. For me THAT building is a symbol of “losing” control. That building is a token of gaining. And last but not least THAT building is fucking STUFFED with stick-thin girls! Ugh. It was hard but I overcame my fear (yet again I suppose) and stepped inside the reception (actually –it was mostly ‘cause it was snowing and I was freezing my butt off!!). Heh.

So I didn’t interrupt the group, which was really good, I would have felt awful! Like showing up late for class and everybody is ogling you and whispering to each other; but it wasn’t like that.
Everyone was just chatting and it turned out the therapist was late I guess. They introduced them selves and I got to learn a bit of there troubles.

It was strange at first, seeing that people talked so openly about there ED’s, but I slowly got the hang of it. The girls/women there were really sweet. I’m the youngest and newest in the group so they all took care of me.

The only two parts of the entire day, I HATED, was weighing and eating lunch together. The weighing made me really upset and I was about to cry in the middle of the session. But I fought the tears back. The lunch was not so great either. I mean the food was wonderful and I shoved it in ‘cause I was starving (hadn’t eaten for two days because I knew I was going on a scale)!!
But afterwards… I felt so depressed that everyone had just seen me eat like that. All those skinny girls, what do they think of me now?

If only I could turn back time.

Love Cille