I can live on cigarettes

I am NOT giving up on my skinny dream!


It's my last day in group therapy next Monday, and honestly? I'm really excited! Or my ED is... Whatever! I really like that I can look forward to do whatever I want without limitations from The Milestone (ED recovery centre) but I also know how this sounds...
But... Perhaps I'm just not "there" yet. I don't think I'm ready to give up my eating disorder...


I am, however, goanna give up being fat.
I'm 171cm tall and weighed in this morning at 70kg and I look FAT! I know it, and everybody else knows it too.

This summer I'm goanna look freaking slammin' in a bikini and not cringe every time it time for a poolpose! I am goanna smile every time I walk by a reflection and wink at myself! I'm goanna wear all the wonderful short dresses and be beautiful! AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST, I AM GOANNA FEEL GOOD IN MY OWN SKIN!


Okay... So I got the pep talk in place -now I just need a plan...
I thourght about joining "The Skinny Patch" but I kinda like making my own. That's a part of the "fun" for me (yes I'm perhaps funny that way).


I'll post it in the next post girls : )


Love Cille

Make me strong!!!

Hey girls!
Welcome back! I'm really flattered that so so SO many are following my blog! When I started I thought that nobody in the entire world would ever read my rather avarge words. So I'm really glad that somebody do, and that I'm writing something people can use or reflect to.

Jup.
I am not doing so hot with my big fight with bulimia.Lately the urge to loose weight has been so strong that I'm falling back into my old pattern. Starve, binge, purge and starve again. My boyfriend has been so great about this whole thing and he has really become a strong allay but I feel like I'm being such a burden in his life that I don't wanna ask for help when I seriously need it!

Hmm. I weighed in at 68,07kg this morning (naked) and I was really happy for a moment! All like: "YAY!! GO ME!" But then I remembered that, that kind of emotion is a no-no (when you are trying to get rid of and ED) and that's the ED cheering -not me!
Shit. So I got all depressed because of the "naughty feeling" and how I still let the eating disorder get the best of me.

I went to pilates class (greatest form of workout EVER) at nine am and it was swell, but right after I went to the bakery and bought two mini cream and strawberry pies to me and Thomas... I don't know why I did it 'cause I didn't really feel the urge to something sweet... Maybe to sabotage myself?
I don't know. But I have been eating okay today. Both recording to my ED-recovery program AND recording to myself. The only "slip" was the mini pie and too much diet coke AND I'm properly goanna eat some chocolate I have in the kitchen.

So to avoid (future) binging I'm goanna put some (ED recovery) quotes and pictures on my kitchen cabinets to remind myself to THINK!
The ones that really caught my eye are these:

Self-love is the instrument of our preservation. - Voltaire

When the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, it may be that they take better care of it there. - Cecil Selig

You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. - Buddha

What a lovely surprise to finally discover how unlonely being alone can be. - Ellen Burstyn

Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.- Thomas Edison

Forget past mistakes. Forget failures. Forget about everything except what you're going to do now - and do it. - William Durant

You don't have to control your thoughts; you just have to stop letting them control you.- Dan Millman

Fall seven times, stand up eight. - Japanese proverb

If one is a Greyhound, why try to look like a Pekingese? - Edith Sitwell

If you're going through hell, keep going. -Winston Churchill

Lots of love

Cille

The 1/4 diet?

Have you heard about it?

I was surfing mindlessly around on the web when I bumped into a debate concerning something called: The 1/4 Diet. I got caught -like any diet junkie- by the promise of a new wonder drug and dove, head first, into the debate.
It turned out that the diet is rather simple, and somewhat unintelligent, but quite appealing for someone in my situation. You just eat what you are eating, but in smaller portions. 1/4 of your normal portion in fact.

Stupid right? Or maybe not. I can see the point of cutting down on my portions and I like that nothing is "forbidden". In that sense I could have a little sweet and avoid a horrid binge, and also eliminate a purging 'cause it's "allowed" to eat a tiny bit sweetness.

I can clearly also see the idiotic thing about the "diet" -it depends on what you are eating in the first place, so I don't consider it a real diet. If you are eating unhealthy you can't lose weight by continuing to eat unhealthy! That just bitter logic!

I do eat relatively healthy and harmonic but I tend to overeat because of my bulimia. I always have this thought in the back of my head going: "you can just purge it out later -just go for it! Just this once!" And so I do. I always end up "going for it this once" and I always end up purging -hence bulimia.
So if I want to break the vicious circle I have to do two things.
1) I have to mentally make a choice. 2) I have to actively make the choice.
It's a lot harder than it sounds guys... The mental part is okay, but when I come to the active one I always fall off the wagon.
The only time I don't fall off, is when I'm on a diet!! So if I’m on a diet that helps me achieve the wanted weight AND get rid of my bulimia it's really a win-win situation!! Right?

I think it makes sense… A really fucked up kind of sense –but still- sense.

Love

German and pizza

Wow, so many loyal readers, so little in my life to write about.

I'm in school right now -in German class- hungry for food and drained for brain cells.
I feel sooo tired and like all the life is sucked out of me today.
That's properly a reaction to poor diet and slim breakfast…

I only had 1/4 of an omelette and some fruit with yoghurt this morning...
I just couldn't get anything else down –It all seemed so impossible to eat! Do I cook something? But I’m too hungry to cook! Do I have some bread? But I don’t feel like it?? So confusing when you don’t “sense” hunger the same way as normal people!

But one thing I always seem to have room for is eggs! I have this insanely weird crave for eggs at the moment. I eat them ALL THE FREAKING TIME! Boiled, scrambled, sunny side up, omelette, baked egg toast (SO good!!) and egg muffins. No wonder I put on weight so fast!

I was told to put on at least 10lbs by my dieatist when I was 120lbs -so I'm really struggling with that. I am at a good 140lbs now... Yes I gained some and yes it was impossible!! Not to gain weight, but to be okay with gaining. I’m still very emotional about my weigh, but I don’t break down and cry when I see one more pound on the scale.
It’s goanna be a long road to recovery, and it already feels like a fucking dessert hike, but I’m sure I will reach goal at some point!!

Tonight I’m making my gorgeous homemade pizza –it is to die for!! If you guys would like, I can post the pizza recipe (together with some other low cal/no cal meals). It’s so simple even I can make it to perfection. :)
I really look forward to a comfy night in. Just relaxing on the sofa and eating pizza with a clean conscience. Awesome possum!!

Jup, so I’ll go do that and you guys have a good one!!



Love Cille

Tell me...

Wow, I don't know where to begin.
I'm doing "good" in therapy, but I don't know how long it will last. I eat, sleep, work out and sleep some more. My life is a blur.

I lost 3 pounds since last week -which I feel great about! I'm now at 130lbs (171cm tall). That's fine. I'm okay, 'Cause I can see I'm going in the right direction. I want to accept my body and move on with my life. No more ED -10 years is enough!! I just need to shed the last pounds and control my purging and then I think I'm goanna be just fine.

Eating the right thing is hard. My dietitian says I need to eat more fat to make my brain and mussels function properly, but I have NO intention to listen to that fat cow. If she’s overweight then how is she goanna provide diet advice for me?
She also says I have to eat more carbs and protein since I work out every day. I agree. If I want to build up my mussels I NEED protein.
I still binge, but not as much and as violently as before. I have about one binge per. week, and it isn't as big amounts. Maybe 1000-2000cal. The purging is also improving. I purge 2-4 times a day -not that bad comparing to 20-22times a day.
I work out every day for about an hour and a half. I run 3km and row 1 and then I do weights + crunches + strength. Some times I throw in a little cross trainer or stepping just to get real sweaty. Then I stretch for 15min and then I'm done.
So that's what I spend my time doing. Sleep, eat, work out and sleep some more. And of course I am in group therapy at The Milestone (ED treatment center). Yawn. I just finished my routine so I think I deserve a nap.

Have a wonderful Wednesday girls.


Love Cille

Want or should?

Woaw I'm so tired now. My day has been quite hectic. I ran around town to buy some lamps for my appartment and I was in group therapi at the treatment centre. It was good. I've made some goals for my recovery and I can really see the end of the tunnel now!
I Feel enigized and I'm ready to stand up to my ED.

Tomorrow I'm goanna join a fitness center to get a little healthier and perhaps to flatten my tummy some, but NO ED schemes!!
Just to feel more comfortable in my body and to feel like I'm taking care of it. :)


Goatta go gals, but have a super day



Love Cille