It's a wild world

My week has been goodish. The finals really suck though. I feel like it went okay with the stuff I had to put down on paper but I have no clue how well it actually went...

The stress is completely tearing me apart. All the tests and talk about the future is really spinning my head. Can't people just live in the now??
I had a minor "breakdown" that lasted two-tree days last week. I think I need to go to the doctor and get his opinion on the doses of anti depressives I'm taking at the moment. I blame the BD on them. That's a little easier then analysing myself.

The food has been good. I have been controlling but not totally obsessive, which was my ultimate goal! Unfortunately I don't think it's goanna last - I can actually already feel myself getting more and more aware of the difficulty that comes with thinking about food. And dreaming about it.
I just tend to not eat because it's too complicated and too hard with all that's going on at the moment! I have to stay in control all the time and that's exhausting -which I'm pretty sure you all recognize.
Everything is an Everest I have to climb. Even taking a thorough bath and doing something to my hair is too much (don't worry I finally got myself to take a bath after a week -yes ew)! Even putting on clothes! I must really look like a hobo at the moment -it's a surprise Thomas haven't left me yet... I'm smelly, fat, ugly and really just a humongous wet blanket.

I weighed in at 69.3kg today. Got a "fake bake" (hate the sun - the only colour it adds to me, is red) and stayed in front of the computer all day. Boooring. My mum has more fun than me!
It was beautiful weather today! Not a cloud in sight, and that rare in Denmark. Thomas went sailing, my mum and Jesper and my baby sis went to Christiania, my dad and his gang went to the park, and me? I stayed at home nursing my misery and watching Tomb Raider...

At least my mood has begun to improve. I don't cry all the freaking time. I don't space out while thinking about how or if I should take my own life and last but not least I can now laugh when my boyfriend tickles my instead of dissolve in angry tears.... Yay me...

I'm really worried about my summer. The endless expectations of party, festival and happy days is getting on my nerves. I can't really explain why I feel so annoyed that everyone just want to hang out with me, but I think it's the disorder that's trying to get me all for itself, and I admit, it is hard to fight against it.
The question weather I should go on the Roskilde Festival with all my fellow graduations is seriously twisting my arm. I know if I don't go I'll properly regret it, but if I go I'm trapped with a bunch of happy people that don't know me to the core (not to mention beer and junkfood) -and that scares the hell out of me... I guess I just have to make a pro and con list.






Love Cille

Are you ready to get thin?

I know I am girls!

But first a little side note.
To minaralou: the centre (or the therapists) didn't really MAKE me do anything. Truth is I just didn't care what I ate for a time and I lost my grasp on holding a low weight as a hardcore overeater/bulimic... They ONLY make seriously underweight girls put on weight or seriously obese ones to loose... So... It's really just my own fault.
To disappear dorian: Thanks. And I know I talk a lot of crap about the centre, but it really isn't that bad. The therapists are really sweet and understanding and the girls in my group give a lot of support to each other and, of course, to the side of me that wants to be ED-free.


Now, let's cut to case, I want/need to loose some weight to be happy in my life as me. I weighed in at 69kg this morning and I want to weigh 55kg at the end of July.
I want to loose weight on my thighs, tummy, boobs, arms and face... Basically ALL OVER! Heh.

The way to do that is by using the tools I have. My general knowledge about food and body, my fitness centre and my bulimia...

• Every time I eat something of my naughty list it CAN NOT stay in my system!! I WILL NOT HAVE IT! I will ONLY eat from my goodie list ;)
  
• I will drink min. 2L water everyday
• I have to plan every evening meal so I don't binge in junk
• I will write down everything I eat (but I already do that for therapy)
  
• I will work out 4 times a week -3x1 hour pilates 1x1,5 hours fitness
• I will NOT eat over 1000kcal a day (so count count count!)
  
• I will sleep 8 hours every night!
• I will not give up if I slip, I'll just keep on trying!
  
• Every choice is chosen to be one step closer to thin.
  

One week from now I will evaluate on my plan and then I can add one more or elaborate what needs to be altered.

So that's the plan, and I honestly think I can do it. Here is some summer thinspo to set me off!









Love Cille

Lovely

Good morning girls.

It's awfully grey in the DK right now but I'm positive it's goanna be a good day!
I weighed in a 69,7 and that, what, about 154lbs? (why does lbs have to be such a big number?)

Well, so that's a start. Today I', goanna talk to my study counselor about the future -which is really hard for me, but I'll just have to get it over with!!

Then I'll swing by the pharmacy to get my "pills" (the pill) and perhaps look at some supplements to burn fat faster. I'm still not sure if I want to try Alli, just to see how bad it is... But I guess they wouldn't do me any good in the end, since I'm bulimic and restrictive in my eating habits not that much fat is left to be flushed out with Alli.


What else is on my mind... Ah yes, I have started to train at least 4 times a week (3 x pilates 1x just regular fitness). I AM IN LOVE WITH PILATES!!!
Already after my second class of it I felt "tighter" and it isn't all that sweaty! If you don't know what pilates is, which I'm sure you do, it's exercise based on tension and building up the mussels around the spine. It's sometimes really difficult ('cause of the technique) and hard ('cause you have to hold the tension in you abs ALL THE frigging' TIME) but not in the "I just ran 10km" kind of way. That's why I like it so much. I hate pulse training most of the time. It's sweaty, hot, painful and overall boring!

So I do pilates and run.

And I can already see the results a tiny bit. My tights are a little tighter and my butt a little rounder, heh.



So that's it for today I guess...
I'm goanna grab some breakfast and a cup of tea!





Love Cille

Yoga and nothing

God this day SUCKS in Denmark. The whether is super grey -I think it might rain soon, and I have like a zillion tings to do today!!! Okay it's actually only four highlights...
Yoga class, school, fixing my contact lenses and cleaning the apartment... All sucky things.

A.N.D. I. A.M. F.A.T. T.O.D.A.Y.
So no food... Weeh...

Anyways, weighed in at 71.4kg this morning. FAT


Well talk to yer' later girls


Love
Cille

The 1/4 diet?

Have you heard about it?

I was surfing mindlessly around on the web when I bumped into a debate concerning something called: The 1/4 Diet. I got caught -like any diet junkie- by the promise of a new wonder drug and dove, head first, into the debate.
It turned out that the diet is rather simple, and somewhat unintelligent, but quite appealing for someone in my situation. You just eat what you are eating, but in smaller portions. 1/4 of your normal portion in fact.

Stupid right? Or maybe not. I can see the point of cutting down on my portions and I like that nothing is "forbidden". In that sense I could have a little sweet and avoid a horrid binge, and also eliminate a purging 'cause it's "allowed" to eat a tiny bit sweetness.

I can clearly also see the idiotic thing about the "diet" -it depends on what you are eating in the first place, so I don't consider it a real diet. If you are eating unhealthy you can't lose weight by continuing to eat unhealthy! That just bitter logic!

I do eat relatively healthy and harmonic but I tend to overeat because of my bulimia. I always have this thought in the back of my head going: "you can just purge it out later -just go for it! Just this once!" And so I do. I always end up "going for it this once" and I always end up purging -hence bulimia.
So if I want to break the vicious circle I have to do two things.
1) I have to mentally make a choice. 2) I have to actively make the choice.
It's a lot harder than it sounds guys... The mental part is okay, but when I come to the active one I always fall off the wagon.
The only time I don't fall off, is when I'm on a diet!! So if I’m on a diet that helps me achieve the wanted weight AND get rid of my bulimia it's really a win-win situation!! Right?

I think it makes sense… A really fucked up kind of sense –but still- sense.

Love

Fuck the term: hypocritical!

Why? Why is it I haven't invested in a scale? Why is it that every time I walk by IKEA or Illume’s I think "Ah, I don't need a scale! My ED does!" -and then, when I come home I'm freaking out 'cause I have no idea what I weigh!??!?!?

I'm SO buying one tomorrow!!!

I am at the edge of insanity!

Why don’t I have a scale already? Why doesn’t my mom have a scale!? Why can't I borrow my neighbours scale??? -well okay to answer my own last question; Cause that’s fucking crazy!

Arg! Somebody throw me a freaking scale!!!

I have been eating like a pig. I have broken about 7 of my internal rules today. Never given them much thought before, but since I’ve written them down I can see that some (most) of them are seriously insane.

Like; can’t eat nuts after 12 o’clock, or; everything I’m “keeping” in my system has to have something green beside it –like lettuce, cucumber, pepper, apple, grape and so on…
It’s so a whole lot easier to see how weird they are, and to question them, when they are on a piece of paper. So, I’m working every day to break another! My goal is to get thin/healthy, without crazy rules! And I think that’s very much achievable!

Today I weigh: FUCK! Still no scale girls… My guess would be like 300lbs today… That’s how I feel anyway –my serious guess would be at 138lbs or something. But I can’t be sure…

I have to go to the treatment centre tomorrow –and I really really REALLY don’t feel like it… I think I’m going to get up extra early tomorrow and hit the gym before therapy –even though I know it’s my ED’s plan, I just goanna go with it. I don’t feel like picking a fight with it.
(And sorry if it’s a little weird that I talk about my ED like it’s not a part of me. Therapy stunt. I guess it is a lot easier to fight IT if you’re not felling like you are fighting yourself. Does that make sense?)
Anyhow, I’m goanna bid you girls goodnight (I’m dead beat at eleven o’clock –pathetic), sleep tight an’ don’t let the bedbugs bite ;)


Love Cille






ZZZzzz

Tell me...

Wow, I don't know where to begin.
I'm doing "good" in therapy, but I don't know how long it will last. I eat, sleep, work out and sleep some more. My life is a blur.

I lost 3 pounds since last week -which I feel great about! I'm now at 130lbs (171cm tall). That's fine. I'm okay, 'Cause I can see I'm going in the right direction. I want to accept my body and move on with my life. No more ED -10 years is enough!! I just need to shed the last pounds and control my purging and then I think I'm goanna be just fine.

Eating the right thing is hard. My dietitian says I need to eat more fat to make my brain and mussels function properly, but I have NO intention to listen to that fat cow. If she’s overweight then how is she goanna provide diet advice for me?
She also says I have to eat more carbs and protein since I work out every day. I agree. If I want to build up my mussels I NEED protein.
I still binge, but not as much and as violently as before. I have about one binge per. week, and it isn't as big amounts. Maybe 1000-2000cal. The purging is also improving. I purge 2-4 times a day -not that bad comparing to 20-22times a day.
I work out every day for about an hour and a half. I run 3km and row 1 and then I do weights + crunches + strength. Some times I throw in a little cross trainer or stepping just to get real sweaty. Then I stretch for 15min and then I'm done.
So that's what I spend my time doing. Sleep, eat, work out and sleep some more. And of course I am in group therapy at The Milestone (ED treatment center). Yawn. I just finished my routine so I think I deserve a nap.

Have a wonderful Wednesday girls.


Love Cille

Another day, another challenge…

Today I was my first official day at the Milestone (ED treatment center ((Stolpegård on Danish))!
The morning was tough. I didn’t want to go and my subconscious kept sabotaging “me getting out of the door”. Suddenly I had to do this and finish that; and when I ran out of excuses I FINALLY pushed myself out the door.
I was late. I ran to the train. I ran to the bus. I ran down the ally to the center, and when I got there? I just stood outside, starring with terror at the frightening building, for ten minutes! I just couldn’t bring myself to go in there like it was any other building! Maybe ‘cause it wasn’t. For me THAT building is a symbol of “losing” control. That building is a token of gaining. And last but not least THAT building is fucking STUFFED with stick-thin girls! Ugh. It was hard but I overcame my fear (yet again I suppose) and stepped inside the reception (actually –it was mostly ‘cause it was snowing and I was freezing my butt off!!). Heh.

So I didn’t interrupt the group, which was really good, I would have felt awful! Like showing up late for class and everybody is ogling you and whispering to each other; but it wasn’t like that.
Everyone was just chatting and it turned out the therapist was late I guess. They introduced them selves and I got to learn a bit of there troubles.

It was strange at first, seeing that people talked so openly about there ED’s, but I slowly got the hang of it. The girls/women there were really sweet. I’m the youngest and newest in the group so they all took care of me.

The only two parts of the entire day, I HATED, was weighing and eating lunch together. The weighing made me really upset and I was about to cry in the middle of the session. But I fought the tears back. The lunch was not so great either. I mean the food was wonderful and I shoved it in ‘cause I was starving (hadn’t eaten for two days because I knew I was going on a scale)!!
But afterwards… I felt so depressed that everyone had just seen me eat like that. All those skinny girls, what do they think of me now?

If only I could turn back time.

Love Cille

W I L D

Update from space! Sorry sorry for not being committed to blogging these past few weeks! My life has been CRAZY! Crazy I tell yer’! I’ve been spending every waken moment with my sweet but slightly paranoid boyfriend. It’s by the way so so nice to have him home. Just to fall asleep in his warm embrace is bliss, but enough about that. Everything else has been HELL! My temper. My body. My hair. My school. My home!! Everything is ether falling apart or falling out. I am officially down to my “goal” weight once more: 120lbs. But I don’t feel any bit of excitement. I feel the exact opposite. My body keeps on losing weight but it still doesn’t look like the way I want! (Classic ED problem –I know…) It’s so depressing!

At the moment I am eating “normal” – that means tree times a day and about 900calories, but I don’t feel applied too food at all? I hate that I need to eat to function. I want to feel horrible cause’ I “deserve” to be in pain –You know?

I have been in therapy for about six months and it’s really pissing me off that I’m not even close to being better. I’m still unbelievably self-destructive. I still have a serious eating disorder. I’m still depressed and slightly suicidal and therefore a loser. It’s just so frustrating!! Aren’t I supposed to be all “rainbows and lollypops” by now? I don’t understand why I can’t get the ED voices outta my head! They have changed, yes, but not to the better… Before it was kinda a scream in my ear, telling me what to do. But now it’s like an unnoticed whisper. I just “do” ED stuff without even giving it a second thought? Like a habit or a ritual.

The other day I was hanging out at my mom’s and we watched some random show on the tv. We were like 40min. in the show when she asked me to sit still. Until then I hadn’t even noticed that I was doing butt-clenches. Heh, it sound kinda comical, but at my worst phase in my ED I had this rule about never to sit still. Always always DO something! Every calorie counts!! It really surprised me how my subconscious just “remembered” that rule and started doing it without me being directly aware of it??

I don’t know what’s going on with my ED or my body at the moment. It’s like it is running wild!!

Love to my girls

Got me a brand new attitude

First of all, I would like to apologize for my blogger neglect!! Sigh, I guess I have been so absent lately ‘cause my ED has fated a little in to the background. Or maybe I just accepted it fully? I don’t know my darlings...
I don’t really have bulimic tendencies at the moment -I just don’t eat?

So Thomas came home. And as you know we had a bit of a rocky welcome. He said some things and I got hurt and the other way around, but now everything is close to fine. He doesn’t really trust me when I go out and he is so jealous! It’s getting on my last nerve!! Yes, I like to flirt but I know the limitations!? Well, he is properly goanna read this (even though I asked him to stay away from my blog! Well I kinda get it... he’s just curious –but still...) so I better watch my mouth... Anyway, we both have to work on our relationship. He has to trust me, and I just got to grow up! I have to take responsibility for my actions –which sucks- and do the laundry once in a while. Then I guess we’ll be fine. Of course I also have to work on my ED recovery and the depression AND the self injury thing! Heh, I guess I better get to work then?

I don’t really obsess over my diet and weight anymore. I still don’t like what I see in the mirror, but I don’t obsess over it like I did for like 6 months ago. I guess that’s a relief. My weight right now is 124.7 (125) so it’s not that bad. I would like to loose... Well... Honestly? It all! (I know it’s unrealistic) Sometimes I only put one foot on the scale and push it a little down just to see how it would feel to weigh a little less. Heh. Stupid? Maybe, but it gives me some kind of pleasure to see 100lbs on the scale...
As you guys can hear, I still think ALOT about weight and how I look –so I’m not completely hole an’ healed but I’m getting there.

Yup. So that’s the scoop.

Tell me how you guys have been doing lately?

Love

Wet winter

People seem so hollow around me. I find them boring. I want something more with life. But I’m scared to find out that’s all there is to it?


Ate today:

4 pieces of bread with turkey.
5 glasses of water
½ glass of milk

That’s it… Proud? Nah. I know why I don’t eat and it aren’t because of willpower. I purposely took myself off the anti depressing medicine because I wasn’t feeling the side effects any longer (nausea).

I restarted on them yesterday. It is horrorble!! I forgot how uncomfortable the side effects are!! It’s like my tong is too big for my mouth and my throat too small for anything to go down. I know it was my own doing… And that you should never play doctor when you have no idea of what you’re doing…

Sigh…

Weight today 126.9lbs

Love
Cille

Aham...

By the way I'm already 129. Sick right?? All I did was just purging EVERYTHING I ate. Gross -yes. Freakishly effective -HELL YEAH!! Just thought I would mention it.






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