W I L D

Update from space! Sorry sorry for not being committed to blogging these past few weeks! My life has been CRAZY! Crazy I tell yer’! I’ve been spending every waken moment with my sweet but slightly paranoid boyfriend. It’s by the way so so nice to have him home. Just to fall asleep in his warm embrace is bliss, but enough about that. Everything else has been HELL! My temper. My body. My hair. My school. My home!! Everything is ether falling apart or falling out. I am officially down to my “goal” weight once more: 120lbs. But I don’t feel any bit of excitement. I feel the exact opposite. My body keeps on losing weight but it still doesn’t look like the way I want! (Classic ED problem –I know…) It’s so depressing!

At the moment I am eating “normal” – that means tree times a day and about 900calories, but I don’t feel applied too food at all? I hate that I need to eat to function. I want to feel horrible cause’ I “deserve” to be in pain –You know?

I have been in therapy for about six months and it’s really pissing me off that I’m not even close to being better. I’m still unbelievably self-destructive. I still have a serious eating disorder. I’m still depressed and slightly suicidal and therefore a loser. It’s just so frustrating!! Aren’t I supposed to be all “rainbows and lollypops” by now? I don’t understand why I can’t get the ED voices outta my head! They have changed, yes, but not to the better… Before it was kinda a scream in my ear, telling me what to do. But now it’s like an unnoticed whisper. I just “do” ED stuff without even giving it a second thought? Like a habit or a ritual.

The other day I was hanging out at my mom’s and we watched some random show on the tv. We were like 40min. in the show when she asked me to sit still. Until then I hadn’t even noticed that I was doing butt-clenches. Heh, it sound kinda comical, but at my worst phase in my ED I had this rule about never to sit still. Always always DO something! Every calorie counts!! It really surprised me how my subconscious just “remembered” that rule and started doing it without me being directly aware of it??

I don’t know what’s going on with my ED or my body at the moment. It’s like it is running wild!!

Love to my girls

Ready, set, GO!

Goodmorning lovelies! Thanks for all the helpul comments! I am taking the advices in and listening to your support!
Boy am I lucky to have such a smart bunch of girls behind me! I can’t say it enough, I love you guys!
(And a little side note to “pretty wreck” The Milestone is a Danish treatment centre for people with eating disorders. I haven’t started there yet, but I am in the program)

Well on to the diet!
Yesterday the lemoncleanse went okay. I ate a cup of salad at lunch but that was it.
So today I woke up at 12am, that means I’m eating breakfast for lunch today and that’s pretty annoying for you guys who wants to follow the diet. However I have come up with an alternative breakfast and lunch for you!


Morning:
1 sliced apple and one small sliced banana
1 cup of green tea (or black coffee)
If you’re still hungry, add a grapefruit without sugar.
If you don’t like breakfast at all then just eat the grapefruit, but eat SOMETHING to get that metabolism going.
= 150cal with grapefruit 155cal – fat 0,7g

Snack:
50g of almonds and raisins
=135cal – (plant) fat 16g

Lunch:
2 cups (I measure cups in what you can have in your hands when you make a cup)
of green salad + cucumber + red pepper fruit + tomatos (+ onion)
NO dressing
If it’s too boring for you just add 20/30g of shrimps
= aprox 188cal with shrimps 210cal - No fat

Snack:
100/200g of carrots
Depending on how hungry you feel
= 36/78cal

Dinner:
1 cup of green salad + tomatos (+ your choice – I’m goanna go with a dash of feta cheese and onion)
300g of low fat/no fat minute steak with 1/10 Tsp of salt and some pepper
= 350cal – fat 1,1g (?)

Total day = up to 1000 calories (but I don’t have the time to go though it right now)

So that’s it, remember I calculated the calories and fat by Danish products and I suck at math ;)
I suggest you calculate it your self if you want to be 100% sure!

That’s it <3>

Hope you like it

Love

Bitter -but Yeay me!!

I think I did it? I mean fixed the thing? Does it all look good to you guys?

Anyhow. I went to the gym today! For two hours, and I now feel really good about myself. I had a personal trainer who looked like a goddess! She was so beautiful… Perfect live thinspo. So I really pushed myself to the limit. Pouring sweat like a fountain!
Of cause I ate all night –mostly nuts and raisins. No dinner. I have willpower like jelly.
I can’t feel the pain yet, but I think I’m goanna tomorrow ;)

Feeling good and love you all!!!

Tha game!!

Its something I plan my week after, makes it easier (and kinda fun!)

Rules: You have to get min. 50 points per day, and mininum 500 points in a week.

If you don't get the 50 points one day, the next day you HAVE TO get at least 150 points!
The following activities provide points:

• Weights: 15min = 20point
• Floor Exercises: (50) = 5point
• Swimming: 15min = 20point
• Cycling: 15min = 10point
• Jumping with a rope: 15min = 20pint
• Indoor hop: 15min = 20point
• Indoor run: 15min = 20point
• Indoor walk: 15min = 5point
• Cleaning: 15min = 5point
• Dance: 15min = 5point
• Outdoore run: 15min = 30point
• Outdoor slowly walk: 15min = 10point
• Outdoor quickly walk: 15min = 15point

Fast 1 day = 20point
Fast 2 days = 40point
Fast 3 days = 80point

Eaten UNDER:
100kcal per day = 40point
200kcal per day = 30point
300kcal per day = 35point
400kcal per day = 20point
500kcal per day = 15point


Its not hard at all girls! If you guys think its too easy, just raise the bare to 100/150 points a day!

I know its a lot of numbers, heh, but is helps me to plan and to stick with the plan!!

Love you guys !
Cille

The Milestone

Yesterday was the day my "word" crumbled.
I was confronted with all of my worst fears and I had to talk about the horrors of my everyday. (BTW, my spelling control is down so sorry for the shitty gramma!)

F.U.C.K.
The morning where my "prior(?) conversation" was scheduled to, I woke up at 4.37 am. My eyes flew open and from that second on I couldn't sleep anymore. My first thourght was: "Fuck. Today is Monday..." I walked into the kitchen and made a BIG cup of tea to ease my nerves. Unfortunately nothiong seemed to work. My boyfrind, who had agreed to take me to the center, woke up at seven. I rushed him trough his breakfast and literally pushed him out the door. I really just wanted "this" to be over with!!

The closer we came to "Gentofte"(a citypart where The Milestone where), the more shallow became my breathing. Thomas didn't understand what all the fuss was about. He is so "man-stupid" sometimes. Anyway, my head was spinning and I felt like my heart would stop any second. It was horrorble!!

I stood infront of the center in 20 minuts -Gathering the pieces of courage I had left. I whent inside and as I sat down in the waiting room my eyes overflooded with tears. Normally I NEVER cry in public, but I just felt so overwhelmed by the reality of it all. The realization hit me like a train. "I HAVE A PROBLEM AND I NEED HELP TO LIVE MY LIFE!" I am a crazy person. I am mental. A loone! So I cried and cried until the psychologist came to get me.

She told me about the place and about the ED. She eksplained that I had to write a food-diary every day and then afterwards I would have to bring it to "group" where we would talk about it. FUCK!!! A freaking food-diary!? I understand why... It's just... I don't want that people know what I eat and when!! She also told me that every time we would meet from now on, I would have to be weighted in my underwear!! I cried agian and told her I wasn't ready for THAT, but she just told me that I was never going to be ready unless I faught for it. After that she asked me a bunch of questions and nodded as I answered. Some of the questions were quite hard to answer, you know, about my ED-story and suicide... Sigh...

All in all it wasn't that scary. She was really nice and told me a lot I didn't know about my ED. But I still don't know if I hope I get in... I mean of course I want to get better, but my ED doesn't... If you guys know what I mean.

So that was my newest highlight of my life. I hope you can understand my pointe even though my spelling sucks! Heh.
And sorry for not opdating so often anymore, just started in school again :)

Love
Cille

A balanced diet is a piece of chocolate cake in each hand

Right in front of me there is a cupcake.
A sweet sugary cupcake filled with calories and fat.
I want to dump it in the trash, but something is holding me back.


My mom baked that cupcake for me. She broke her back to bake me and T a basked full of delicious cupcakes. And besides, they look so pretty and innocent wrapped in transparent cellophane. I haven’t tasted them yet. I haven’t even liked the frosting off or eaten the marshmallow sprinkle. Yet. I haven’t done that because I know how weak I am, and I know if I eat one… It can only go down hill from there. God help me.

















I feel like crying -maybe even screaming. Not because of a stupid cupcake, but because of all that the cupcake stands for; Defeat, humiliation, weakness, self-loathing, hate, anger, pain and the fact that I have been beaten (yet again) by a cupcake?! The fact that I will never reach my goal and forever be the chunky girl with a pretty face haunts me in that cupcake. I have no clue why I feel so utterly frustrated with a cupcake. If I was a normal person I would have just eaten that silly cupcake and never given it another thought, but I am no ordinary person, I have an ED and she is forcing me to think about that SILLY STUPID CUPCAKE ALL FREAKING DAY LONG!!

Jez… I am so hungry right now.

All I have had yesterday and today is tree smoothies and a cherry. I am goanna binge soon… I feel it in my heart.

Sweden

Yesterday I went with my mom, her boyfriend and my boyfriend on a one-day shopping trip to Sweden. Because of the crises the Swedish crone is so low that the shopping possibilities are eternal! I spend about 2000kr (that’s like 350$) on shoes and dresses that would cost 25% more in Denmark. I was totally high on how much money I saved when I was on my way home with 10 bags filled with must-haves!


I didn’t eat anything the entire day! The only calories I think did any damage were a low-fat ice coffee. It was such a lovely trip! And on top of it all, I could fit a size 36 (US 6)! Do you guys know just how long it has been since I could fit in a size 6!? I was 13-14 years old!!

Wow… I am so blissful.



Nothing can bring me down today ether. The scale still shows 129lbs!! Since I started blogging I have lost 14lbs. But it isn't enough! I need to shed 30lbs more to be my dream weight 99lbs! Mm, but I feel closer to my goal than ever.



Just keep going!! Never stand still!!

That's why!

I am so hungry, and I might do something rash. There is some 85% dark chocolate in the kitchen, and I am about to break, so now I am going to write a list for ALL the reasons why I want to be skinny and NOT eat that stupid chocolate.


I want to lose weight because:

1. I could fit all the outfits that I adore.

2. My boobs would be even perkier and round and I wouldn’t have to wear a bra all the time.

3. I could wear a pair of skinny jeans and a top without the fear of getting love-handles and pregnant-tummy.

4. I would be able to run faster without all the extra pounds.

5. My arms wouldn’t wobble when I weave.

6. Everybody is goanna say that I look good and whisper behind my back “I can’t believe she did it!”

7. I would look graceful and pretty in everything I wear!

8. I wouldn’t be ashamed of wearing a bikini.

9. All my fat wouldn’t wobble when I have sex with my boyfriend, I would finally be confident enough to be on top because my belly would be gone.

10. Everybody would be SO envy me and my good looks! HAHA

11. My mom would finally accept me and be proud of me.

12. People are goanna say: “Wow, you are really getting thin, you should eat something.”

13. I would be beautiful and happy.

14. I would have shown the entire world that I have control over the food, and that food isn’t my life!

15. I would be called “the model”.

16. I would finally love myself…

17. I could give modeling a shot.

18. I would feel good because I would be the skinniest girl in the class!

19. People, who saw me at my fattest, would go like: “woaw, look at her, she really changed!”

20. I would rather die than gain another pound!!