Not my cup of tea

Spending Christmas in Bayern this year. With Thomas and his family...

And so far, not loving it.

There's no Christmas spirit in the house -AT ALL! Everybody is grumpy and stressed and could care less about this holiday.

… And I'm sitting here, alone, on Little Christmas eve.

Thomas is out spending the night with old friends and his parents -who ONLY speak Bavarian, so I only understand every second word they say- is watching TV in the living room. I feel alone.

Oh, and guess what, in this family they decided that on Christmas eve, they’d give the mom a night off!! THAT MAKES NO SENSE TO ME!!! So the boys and the dad, who doesn’t cook all year long, have to make a delicious dinner? No, no, no of course not. That would just be plain stupid, so instead they cook something they CAN. Steaks. With French fries.

AND THE PARENTS DOESN’T EVEN LIKE STEAKS!??!?! They are going to eat something completely different??? I thought Christmas was supposed to bring people closer, but in this family it seems to tear them apart.

Oh. My. God.

THEY are ruining Christmas!? No, demolishing!!!

So angry right now! Of course I could just have said “no thank you” to the trip… But I didn’t expect it to be so… Hard, to give up “my” Christmas.

Guess I just have to go with the flow….

Angry love

Life gives me lemons

... At the moment.

So listen to my terrific morning -she said. Her voice thick with sarcasm.
Lately I'm having trouble sleeping, so I when to bed at like 4.23 pm or whatever, and was planning to get up at 6 so I could get ready for school. I wake up and snooze the darn thing. I just felt so tired. Fell lightly asleep (the kinda sleep you know you goanna wake up from soon) and after a while I woke to check the time -it suddenly felt like a lot of snoozing! I look at the timer and it is passed 8!! FUCK! I think to myself "fuck it anyway, I need sleep to function..." Even though I feel a small spike of guild in the pit of my stomach I close my eyes.

So I fall asleep for the last time, and my mom (god bless her by the way) asks me why I’m not getting ready for school. I yell at her and say that it's too late! I overslept! Game over! She looks at me and sighs... No? It's like 7.30?

(Confused that I can mistake an entire hour? Well winter time is upon us… So I sat my clock an hour forward… Unfortunately my clever high-tech phone already did that -all by it self, so when my alarm when off… IT WAS FUCKING FIVE IN THE FUCKING MORNING! No wonder I was so tired? I only slept 30 minutes!!!!)

My reaction must have been priceless. "WHAT!?" In that word I fall out of the bed -face first.

Never the less I get dressed like a tornado. Got some basic make up on and zipped my new boots. I was on my way.

I asked my step-dad if I could borrow his bike ('cause my mom's bike is stolen and mine is.. Well.. Not here.) He said "sure." I said "great"...

Ran down to fetch the bike from the basement (which it's quite hard with 6 inch stilettos) got the stupid bike and I was READY! Still 10 minutes on the clock -I could just make it!

But here's the thing; my step-dad's bike is a man-bike. You cannot, I repeat, YOU CANNOT go on board on this bike like a lady. You have to swing your god damn leg backwards like a russian ballerina to even get on that crap ass bike!!! Shit! But I managed...

Hard parts over… Right? WONG! Even with my highest shoes I can't reach the fucking ground... I try to break. I can't. I panic. The bike is rolling on to the road. FEAR! Ice cold fear strikes me. I try to get off. Can't. Falling.

So I fell. With my new shoes. They are so messed up now! How am I EVER goanna get them clean!??!?! Scratches everywhere!!!

Oh... And by the way. I broke my foot in the process. Jep… Fucking BROKE my god damn foot...

Fucking fantastic. Life gives me lemons an' I suck RIGHT into them!!!

Ouch...

Ah, to be honest I haven’t seen the doctor yet but my mom says it might be worse than it look. I don’t hope so… Otherwise I can’t wear my new boots!!

Just for the record -my mom is an angel. When she saw me in the doorway with black mascara smudged around my tear-filled eyes and holding my left boot in the hand, all she did was help me in and stroke my hair… While I cried my eyes out over nothing.

And I don't cry so often...

I don’t know… I just feel extremely delicate at the moment. Like all my skin is burned off and left my nerves exposed. Everything gets to me. EVERYTHING! My mom ran down to 7-11 and got me a magazine, some coke zero and diet candy… = Angel.

Love Cille

Huuuungry......... Just ate a piece of bread with nothing... But I'm soooo hungry. (JUST EAT BITCH!) Ugh?? I feel like shit today. Properly because I have school and I don't wanna be there. Stress.

Love you all an' talk to you later guys :)

<3 Cille

I hate parties

Ugh...

Hangover... I didn't drink all that much last night, but I think all the smokes are getting to me. I was at a party downtown, and it was pretty cool actually. One of my friends is an artist so she had a lot of awesome alternative people there.

I didn't wanna go to the party at first because it was a birthday, and so I knew there would be tons of food. But as the time passed I felt the need to have fun (for once), and I went there with my Thomas.

Okay... I didn't go because I needed to have fun... I went, because Thomas had "made" me eat dinner, and I knew if I went to the party no one would hear me purge... That’s just sad...

And I made quite a stupid mistake yesterday.
Okay so there was a plate of, what I assumed was; chocolate cake, on the table. My friend comes up to me and asks if I tried the cake. I panic and tell her I'v been munching it all evening...
I said cote:

"Yeah I just love chocolate cake! It's the best thing in the world!"

She looks at me like I'm crazy, and says:

"Its carrot cake? I thought you said you ate tons of it?"

I act all surprised and take a crumb to taste it... And shit, she’s right!? Damn!! She walks away and I feel so stupid. She’s not that close to me, and knows nothing about my ED… I just know this little episode will be gossiped about…

Love Cille

Poor Posh

Victoria was AGAIN called thin and anorexic at the Burberry-show in London this week.
Hmmmm...

Is it me or do Posh look a little worn out??

KILL ME...

Kill me now. Just reach out for the closest item and stab me in the chest! A pencil, a ruler, a pair of scissors! JUST DO IT! I don’t deserve to live…

Sigh, yesterday was awful. I had done very well… All I’d consumed was NOTHING! Freaking fucking nada! And I felt good, physically, about it. No real pain or hurt, just emptiness. Until Thomas came home!! ARG!! I had planed that I would go to bed right away, or fall asleep under the movie before dinner, but I was unsuccessful. I made dinner with him (Homemade pizza, with veggies –no meat and just a little cheese) I could handle that. WRONG! I went completely overboard! Pizza, candy, chips, Pepsi Max (but still), and all of that made a wobbing 958Kcal!! Shit + fuck. And I KEPT THE SHIT IN, because of my boyfriend…

The night before he had lost it and had puked his gut out while he screamed “I just wanna see how it is for you sweetheart!! UH, LOOK AT ME I’M LOOSING WEIGHT!!” Fuck him, I haven’t forgiven him for that yet… Properly never will.

Anyhow, I kept my “binge” down so he wouldn’t yell. I understand just how frustrating all this must be for him, I really do, but he is pushing me over the edge! Everyday it’s like; “eat that, do this, be strait with me, how many times did you though up today!” IT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS HONEY! I mean I am sick, but I’m not brain-dead. I WANT to get better! I just need to get use to the idea. Patience.

Well, maybe I need his help a tiny bit, but I would wish he’d back off a little… And I don't wanna be straight with him, because when I am he turns into a control-freak. The bad guy, and I want him to be min prince not the dragon...

Love you all

Cille

We are happy to inform you...

News from "the Milestone"...

So, there I am. Sitting in front of my computer, lalala, and then!!! DADADAAA!! A letter dumps dramatically trough my mail slid in the door!! I walk across the floor slowly, ‘cause I kinda got the feeling that it’s the letter I have been “waiting” for... I can spot the logo from “The Milestone” where I stand. It takes me two minutes to snap out of the shock, and walk all the way to the letter. I pick it up and open the envelope. Slowly, slowly. I don’t really want to see the results, because ether way it’s goanna upset me.

I see the top of the letter and I want to scream. To cry. To KILL myself...

“Dear Cecilie... We are happy to inform you that you have been accepted in the program...” Tears are already making the paper wet but I keep reading to find some kind of comfort. And I do, “The wait is approximately nine months...” I sigh. First thought; okay I have approximately nine months to prepare myself for this living hell...

Do you guys want to know what my second thought was? I have to loose weight!! I have maybe less than nine months to loose weight in peace!

Crazy, huh..? But you know, of cause a part of me is happy to be in the program, and that part is also really annoyed that I have to wait so long to get real progressive help. I still have my (free) psychologist until the beginning of the program, so I won’t be completely on my own.

... Wee...

Sigh... I just ate sooo many french-fries and now I feel like sh*t...

Love

Cille

Lazy whore...

That is what I am. I am lazy and I understand why people recent me... God. I feel so low. I have stopped going to partys (cause of the beer), I'v stopped going out with my girls (cause of the food) and I'v stopped visiting my family (cause of thir never closing judging eyes...) I have become an asocial lazy food whore.

All I do is doing situps and avoiding the fridge... I could not dwell in more selfloathing then I am right now...

A balanced diet is a piece of chocolate cake in each hand

Right in front of me there is a cupcake.
A sweet sugary cupcake filled with calories and fat.
I want to dump it in the trash, but something is holding me back.


My mom baked that cupcake for me. She broke her back to bake me and T a basked full of delicious cupcakes. And besides, they look so pretty and innocent wrapped in transparent cellophane. I haven’t tasted them yet. I haven’t even liked the frosting off or eaten the marshmallow sprinkle. Yet. I haven’t done that because I know how weak I am, and I know if I eat one… It can only go down hill from there. God help me.

















I feel like crying -maybe even screaming. Not because of a stupid cupcake, but because of all that the cupcake stands for; Defeat, humiliation, weakness, self-loathing, hate, anger, pain and the fact that I have been beaten (yet again) by a cupcake?! The fact that I will never reach my goal and forever be the chunky girl with a pretty face haunts me in that cupcake. I have no clue why I feel so utterly frustrated with a cupcake. If I was a normal person I would have just eaten that silly cupcake and never given it another thought, but I am no ordinary person, I have an ED and she is forcing me to think about that SILLY STUPID CUPCAKE ALL FREAKING DAY LONG!!

Jez… I am so hungry right now.

All I have had yesterday and today is tree smoothies and a cherry. I am goanna binge soon… I feel it in my heart.

Wish I was at the Bahamas

God I hate testes. I don’t understand why my future depends on a test that lasts 30 minutes!!
Sorry for not posting so much as I used to, but the exams are killing me. Today I didn’t go to a test-test (To try how it is to take a test before the “real” test) because I think its stupid, and guess what, it was a big deal! I hate school I hate testes and I must suddenly hate everything today!!
I have eaten a quick noodle and a piece of bread so far = 200Cal and I drank tree cups of tea (1x LAX and 2x green tea) I gained weight again.

Oh and the other day I was looking at some old pictures of me as a kid, and god I was so fat! I hate pictures… Sigh… I am having a bad day.

And I knnow Im not making that much sence...

The girl I addore

She is who I want to be. She’s slender, rich, pretty, smart, trendy and healthy. And super sweet. Sigh. I hate her… No I don’t, because she’s so darn sweet I can’t hate her! Crap!

I am sitting, on my day off, in my “cozy” chair and typing on my computer, while she’s out running or something… God I wish I could get one of those new high-tech brain chips to motivate fat people to enjoy physical exercises. God I hate exercises! I hate going to the gym. Not so much because the training is hard - more because of all the people. They can see my flabby fat jingle when I run, or see me sweat like a pig! So to spare the public I mostly just do my routine -morning and evening on my living room carpet. 100 crunches/sit-ups, 20X4 butt lifts, 50 chest lifts and 10 pull-ups. Jep, then a shower and a steamy green tea afterwards. God I love routines sometimes. Everything seems so simple if it’s the same. Right? Or is it just me?

Anyway, She is ALWAYS the one who suggests a trip to the beach or a to go and hang out in the gym. My life would just be so much easier if I loved to run or had money for a personal trainer! Just like her! ARG!