Not my cup of tea

Spending Christmas in Bayern this year. With Thomas and his family...

And so far, not loving it.

There's no Christmas spirit in the house -AT ALL! Everybody is grumpy and stressed and could care less about this holiday.

… And I'm sitting here, alone, on Little Christmas eve.

Thomas is out spending the night with old friends and his parents -who ONLY speak Bavarian, so I only understand every second word they say- is watching TV in the living room. I feel alone.

Oh, and guess what, in this family they decided that on Christmas eve, they’d give the mom a night off!! THAT MAKES NO SENSE TO ME!!! So the boys and the dad, who doesn’t cook all year long, have to make a delicious dinner? No, no, no of course not. That would just be plain stupid, so instead they cook something they CAN. Steaks. With French fries.

AND THE PARENTS DOESN’T EVEN LIKE STEAKS!??!?! They are going to eat something completely different??? I thought Christmas was supposed to bring people closer, but in this family it seems to tear them apart.

Oh. My. God.

THEY are ruining Christmas!? No, demolishing!!!

So angry right now! Of course I could just have said “no thank you” to the trip… But I didn’t expect it to be so… Hard, to give up “my” Christmas.

Guess I just have to go with the flow….

Angry love

Life gives me lemons

... At the moment.

So listen to my terrific morning -she said. Her voice thick with sarcasm.
Lately I'm having trouble sleeping, so I when to bed at like 4.23 pm or whatever, and was planning to get up at 6 so I could get ready for school. I wake up and snooze the darn thing. I just felt so tired. Fell lightly asleep (the kinda sleep you know you goanna wake up from soon) and after a while I woke to check the time -it suddenly felt like a lot of snoozing! I look at the timer and it is passed 8!! FUCK! I think to myself "fuck it anyway, I need sleep to function..." Even though I feel a small spike of guild in the pit of my stomach I close my eyes.

So I fall asleep for the last time, and my mom (god bless her by the way) asks me why I’m not getting ready for school. I yell at her and say that it's too late! I overslept! Game over! She looks at me and sighs... No? It's like 7.30?

(Confused that I can mistake an entire hour? Well winter time is upon us… So I sat my clock an hour forward… Unfortunately my clever high-tech phone already did that -all by it self, so when my alarm when off… IT WAS FUCKING FIVE IN THE FUCKING MORNING! No wonder I was so tired? I only slept 30 minutes!!!!)

My reaction must have been priceless. "WHAT!?" In that word I fall out of the bed -face first.

Never the less I get dressed like a tornado. Got some basic make up on and zipped my new boots. I was on my way.

I asked my step-dad if I could borrow his bike ('cause my mom's bike is stolen and mine is.. Well.. Not here.) He said "sure." I said "great"...

Ran down to fetch the bike from the basement (which it's quite hard with 6 inch stilettos) got the stupid bike and I was READY! Still 10 minutes on the clock -I could just make it!

But here's the thing; my step-dad's bike is a man-bike. You cannot, I repeat, YOU CANNOT go on board on this bike like a lady. You have to swing your god damn leg backwards like a russian ballerina to even get on that crap ass bike!!! Shit! But I managed...

Hard parts over… Right? WONG! Even with my highest shoes I can't reach the fucking ground... I try to break. I can't. I panic. The bike is rolling on to the road. FEAR! Ice cold fear strikes me. I try to get off. Can't. Falling.

So I fell. With my new shoes. They are so messed up now! How am I EVER goanna get them clean!??!?! Scratches everywhere!!!

Oh... And by the way. I broke my foot in the process. Jep… Fucking BROKE my god damn foot...

Fucking fantastic. Life gives me lemons an' I suck RIGHT into them!!!

Ouch...

Ah, to be honest I haven’t seen the doctor yet but my mom says it might be worse than it look. I don’t hope so… Otherwise I can’t wear my new boots!!

Just for the record -my mom is an angel. When she saw me in the doorway with black mascara smudged around my tear-filled eyes and holding my left boot in the hand, all she did was help me in and stroke my hair… While I cried my eyes out over nothing.

And I don't cry so often...

I don’t know… I just feel extremely delicate at the moment. Like all my skin is burned off and left my nerves exposed. Everything gets to me. EVERYTHING! My mom ran down to 7-11 and got me a magazine, some coke zero and diet candy… = Angel.

Love Cille

Dark side

Fuck....
Binged -> purged -> binged -> purged -> binged -> purged...

Welcome back to the dark side darling... We missed you!

Sigh... No cleanse till tomorrow I guess.

Fuck, fuck, FUCK!

Fire starter!

X-RAY FIRE!! My new fav' drink! I love it! No fat (unlike beer) and filled with coffeeine so the alcohol/sugar burns right off again :D

One bottle contains like 60 calories! Still alot, but not if you compare to a beer :s

Anyway, the taste is a little too sweet but otherwise I like it! And you get sooo drunk! 5,4%...

I guess the only downside; is that everyone point out that its lame. Fuck 'em, I'm goanna get skinny, an' they can't stop me! Heh. Sorry for the wannabe-slang guys, but I am havin' the crueles hangovers... Head, lungs & stomache!! It's all crap.

I smoked about 20 ciggiz' yesterday at a party, and now I can't breath. Ugh! And everything smells!! EW! But at least I didn't eat anything stupid in my haze. I kept it clean. No drugs or food, so I'm kinda pleased with myself.

Aaaah... My head... An' the darn vodka is burning my guts...

So, I ate (and drank) about 1200cals yersterday, which I find pretty good, considered how drunk I got. Jesus. But I should just quit drinking. Its bad for me, filled with bad calories, and Im bound to eat shit the entire next day... And Im too sick to work out. God. I hate myself. Im stupid and Im never goanna drink again... At leat not until next weekend ;)

But It was an okay evening and I puked 80% up what I drank, so, no real harm done I guess...

Love you all!!

Cille

(spelling correctly in this condition is not recomended, so I'll skip it -heh)

KILL ME...

Kill me now. Just reach out for the closest item and stab me in the chest! A pencil, a ruler, a pair of scissors! JUST DO IT! I don’t deserve to live…

Sigh, yesterday was awful. I had done very well… All I’d consumed was NOTHING! Freaking fucking nada! And I felt good, physically, about it. No real pain or hurt, just emptiness. Until Thomas came home!! ARG!! I had planed that I would go to bed right away, or fall asleep under the movie before dinner, but I was unsuccessful. I made dinner with him (Homemade pizza, with veggies –no meat and just a little cheese) I could handle that. WRONG! I went completely overboard! Pizza, candy, chips, Pepsi Max (but still), and all of that made a wobbing 958Kcal!! Shit + fuck. And I KEPT THE SHIT IN, because of my boyfriend…

The night before he had lost it and had puked his gut out while he screamed “I just wanna see how it is for you sweetheart!! UH, LOOK AT ME I’M LOOSING WEIGHT!!” Fuck him, I haven’t forgiven him for that yet… Properly never will.

Anyhow, I kept my “binge” down so he wouldn’t yell. I understand just how frustrating all this must be for him, I really do, but he is pushing me over the edge! Everyday it’s like; “eat that, do this, be strait with me, how many times did you though up today!” IT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS HONEY! I mean I am sick, but I’m not brain-dead. I WANT to get better! I just need to get use to the idea. Patience.

Well, maybe I need his help a tiny bit, but I would wish he’d back off a little… And I don't wanna be straight with him, because when I am he turns into a control-freak. The bad guy, and I want him to be min prince not the dragon...

Love you all

Cille

Geez I am so whiny. No pain no gain! RIGHT! But it hurts so bad! This isn’t supposed to be this hard!? I mean EVERYBODY is fucking thin and I am a fatfatfat pig! I am covered in lard! I am disgusting! Weak! A failure! Ugly! FAT! FAT! FAT! I HATE MY BODY! MY LIFE! I HATE EVERTHING!!

I just wanna be thin...

I just wanna be beautiful...

I just wanna be thin.......

Im in school. I can't concentrate. I hardly slept the in the past tree nights. Mainly because of the hunger pains. So yesterday I ate so I could sleep.

I had ca. 300g of salad and a wholegrain sandwitch with light cream cheese and cucumber. I felt so bad afterwards that I did 100 crunches and about 50 leglifts (each) and some push ups. I don't know how many I did, cause I feel asleep all of the sudden, heh, woke up on the floor this morning. Thankfully on my yoga mat, so my back isn't killing me now. But, think about it... That's freaking INSANE! I FELL ASLEEP DOING PUSH UPS?! I have eaten next to nothing in weeks, and done so, so well... And my ED won't let me eat a salad? Nothing I do is ever good enough.

She's a bitch... But maybe she had a point... I gained half a kg this morning...

Diagnosed

These are my test results ...



if you answer "yes" to any of the questions below then food and weight may be a problem for you that needs to be seriously addressed.



Respond honestly:



Are you constantly thinking about food, weight, or body image?

yes


Is it difficult to concentrate on the daily tasks of studying or work because of food and weight thoughts?

yes


Do you worry about what your last meal is doing to your body?

yes

Do you experience guilt or shame around eating?

yes

Is it difficult for you to eat in public?

yes

Do you count calories every time you eat or drink?

yes

Do you chronically diet only to regain the weight after going "off" the diet?

yes

Do you feel "out of control" when it comes to food?

no

When others tell you that you are too thin, do you still feel fat?

yes

Do you weigh yourself several times daily?

yes

Does the number on your scale determine your mood and outlook for the day?

yes!!

When you are momentarily satisfied with your weight, do you resolve to be even more vigilant?

don't know

Do you punish yourself with more exercise or restrictions if you don't like the number on the scale?
yes


Do you exercise more than forty-five minutes, five times each week with the goal of burning calories?

yes

Will you exercise to lose weight even if you are ill or injured?

yes

Do you label foods as "good" and "bad?"

yes (who dosent? Candy = bad, salat = good?!)

If you eat a "bad" or forbidden food do you berate yourself and compensate by skipping your next meal, purging, or adding extra exercise?

yes...

Do you vomit after eating and/or use laxatives or diuretics to keep your weight down?

... Sometimes



= congratulations you have been diagnosed with bulimia!



What a piece of crap test! I do NOT have bulimia!! Im on a diet!!

sigh... right?