Back -also from Malta

Good evening everybody!


I am so SO sorry that I have been away for that long and eternally grateful that you all just kept on following. That's just wonderful!
The reason I've been gone is not that complicated.
Food has been too depressing to blog about, so therefore no blogging.

I'm fat and gaining and I have been lying to everybody (including myself) that it was okay, that I was okay. Somehow I really felt I was, okay, that is. I felt that I didn't care about weight and that I loved my "curves", but along came summer. A hot HOT summer, that required a very light dress code. Lose, lose, lose, situation: I'm fat in a bikini. Other girls are sexy in a bikini, and those who aren't -are fat, floppy and pale and I look just like them.
EVERYTHING is triggering and it's quite depressing. Ah about that I have taken myself off the anti depressing pills and that's really great! I'm officially NOT depressed any more, and that's a relief! Depression is such a buzz kill.

I just spend a week on the island Malta. It was a family vacation without Thomas (because he's in Quatar for business) and therefore not a pure rush of action. But then again vacations aren't meant to be that I guess..



It was so hot on Malta, and our room was without aircon. I was melting, and by the end of the week I was just a puddle on the floor. Or, I would have been, if it wasn't for the pool. The feel of being in icy water in the midday sun (37C in DK terms) is indescribable. Pure bliss.
The only problem is the walk of shame from the shaded lounger to the poolside. God I hate it, more than I hate when I can't find the calorie description. Fortunately the resort we stayed on was a family place so there weren't too many skinny girls with beady loathing eyes. Some, of course, but not a lot. The beach was worse, and we only went once.

The food was horrible! Fried, fried, fried! Lots of white bread, fat and bad service! Malta's kitchen sucks but at least that made me eat less.
I b&p'ed once on fluffy taffy (DO NOT DO THAT! HURTS LIKE HELL) and ice tea. My throat was on fire the rest of the holiday. The rest of the time I just purged. Ice cream and stuff are hard to avoid, easy to dispose.
I ate 3 meals a day, sometimes just 2, and they mostly consisted of:

• Breakfast - fruit + wholegrain bread with a little jam or turkey + coffee

• Lunch - salad or sandwich

• Dinner - fish, salad or meat with potato (boiled/fried)
  

And snacks: unsweetened ice tea/coffee/fruit/diet coke/ginger cookies from Nairns (48cals per biscuit) or nuts. And I drank in average 4L of water everyday.
To get enough exercise was tricky because of the life-threatening heat, but I found the pool to be a somewhat acceptable solution. I guess I spend 20% of my day, every day, in water.

All in all a nice vacation with my mom, her fiancée and my baby sister. AND I maintained (or perhaps even jump started) my perfect 'skinny mission' routine. I missed you, welcome back.

So that's that lovelies! take care and type to you later
If you have any questions, just ask


Love Cille

It's a wild world

My week has been goodish. The finals really suck though. I feel like it went okay with the stuff I had to put down on paper but I have no clue how well it actually went...

The stress is completely tearing me apart. All the tests and talk about the future is really spinning my head. Can't people just live in the now??
I had a minor "breakdown" that lasted two-tree days last week. I think I need to go to the doctor and get his opinion on the doses of anti depressives I'm taking at the moment. I blame the BD on them. That's a little easier then analysing myself.

The food has been good. I have been controlling but not totally obsessive, which was my ultimate goal! Unfortunately I don't think it's goanna last - I can actually already feel myself getting more and more aware of the difficulty that comes with thinking about food. And dreaming about it.
I just tend to not eat because it's too complicated and too hard with all that's going on at the moment! I have to stay in control all the time and that's exhausting -which I'm pretty sure you all recognize.
Everything is an Everest I have to climb. Even taking a thorough bath and doing something to my hair is too much (don't worry I finally got myself to take a bath after a week -yes ew)! Even putting on clothes! I must really look like a hobo at the moment -it's a surprise Thomas haven't left me yet... I'm smelly, fat, ugly and really just a humongous wet blanket.

I weighed in at 69.3kg today. Got a "fake bake" (hate the sun - the only colour it adds to me, is red) and stayed in front of the computer all day. Boooring. My mum has more fun than me!
It was beautiful weather today! Not a cloud in sight, and that rare in Denmark. Thomas went sailing, my mum and Jesper and my baby sis went to Christiania, my dad and his gang went to the park, and me? I stayed at home nursing my misery and watching Tomb Raider...

At least my mood has begun to improve. I don't cry all the freaking time. I don't space out while thinking about how or if I should take my own life and last but not least I can now laugh when my boyfriend tickles my instead of dissolve in angry tears.... Yay me...

I'm really worried about my summer. The endless expectations of party, festival and happy days is getting on my nerves. I can't really explain why I feel so annoyed that everyone just want to hang out with me, but I think it's the disorder that's trying to get me all for itself, and I admit, it is hard to fight against it.
The question weather I should go on the Roskilde Festival with all my fellow graduations is seriously twisting my arm. I know if I don't go I'll properly regret it, but if I go I'm trapped with a bunch of happy people that don't know me to the core (not to mention beer and junkfood) -and that scares the hell out of me... I guess I just have to make a pro and con list.






Love Cille

The pool issue...

Yeah, so, summer is right around the corner an we all know that means; sun, flipflops and walking around on the beach or by the pool almost butt-naked! PANIC!!

Last year I whent to Turkey with 7 of my girlfriends. We booked a cheap vacation and decided that this trip was goanna be the best ever and that we were goanna have the time of our lives!
I was a little nervous about having to shear a room with 2 others because of my eating habits, but that part wasn't really a serious issue. All in all it was an amazing vacation.
The bomb first hit me for real when we came home and the pictures were put on Facebook! I saw lard, fat and disgusting breasts all over the photos of me! I was wearing a bikini and having fun in the pool and I looked HUGE! Most of the other girls were skinny and hot on the photos, but me? Well I was just one big blob! EW!

I will NOT let that happen again! This year I want to be comfortable in a bikini. I want to feel sexy and goddessy. I want to see BONES! Ribs, hips, collarbone, shoulders! EVERYTHING!
But of course that's a little too late. As I said, summer is right around the corner and nobody can get skinny that fast and MENTAIN it till and though summer! NOBODY, GIRLS!
Besides, since I'm still in treatment (recovering from an ED) I have signed a piece of paper that basically says: "I will not go on a diet as long as I am in treatment here".
So I train. I train and I train and it’s actually paying off. I can see how my muscles eat the fat and how my stomach is getting flatter by the day! It's really wonderful!
Unfortunately I can't really see a difference on the scale -'cause muscles weigh more that fat- and that fact annoys the hell out of me! But I guess I just have to deal with that.


I have a little thinspo here that helps me get though my training routine tree times a week.

And, yes I realise it's a little morally ambivalent...

Skinny calves

Thin legs (and awsome shoes)

Cute abs

And by the way, what’s your favourite workout? Treadmill? Push ups? Or just all around the fitness centre?

And why?

Love Cille