insideout

I feel like I'm swelling up inside. I feel like I'm overflowing with pain and sorrow. I'm hurting. Suffocating in air. I feel like someone ripped my heart out and left me to die. Slow and painfully. This day has sucked. Both in ED world -and in the real one. I ate too much. Drank too little. Cried and sopped. School is killing me. Homework mostly but even to be in that darn classroom is agonizing.

Listening to the cardigans “And Then You Kissed Me”. Wonderful song. YouTube it. Seriously.

You're a nightmare beating the dawn...

I feel……………. Nothing. Empty and full. And empty again. I fill the hole in my heart with food. And then I purged it -‘cause that’s easier than dealing with all the concealed pain. Upside down, an’ inside out. Killing me softly. Not really. Killing me gradually. That’s more fitting. (Who’s killing you?) Well I’ll tell you, voice in my head, everything and nothing at all.

Sorry I’m tired and I just felt like… Writing.

Night<3

Huuuungry......... Just ate a piece of bread with nothing... But I'm soooo hungry. (JUST EAT BITCH!) Ugh?? I feel like shit today. Properly because I have school and I don't wanna be there. Stress.

Love you all an' talk to you later guys :)

<3 Cille

Weekend from hell!!

So my grandmother lives on this tiny island, along with 300 other people. The entire family was gathered to spend her 77 years birthday.

She makes the best Danish food in the universe. Of cause I hate her food because everything has either: grease, meat or sugar in it!! God! And she’s always pushing me into taking another plate? Why? I’m not that thin and my cousin weighs like 90lbs!

Okay, so we are sitting around the table, eating, when aunt says something like: “Oh, Cille! You’r getting so tiny!” -Which is totally wrong since I just put on 10lbs! (Don’t you guys just hate when people lie to your face like that?) “Have some more beef. And why aren’t you eating the sauce? You used to love granny's sauce!?” Yada yada yada, I saied: “Oh… You know a girl goatta watch her figure… (Saied the eating disordered ha-ha-hah…)” And then… My scrawny cousin looks up and sais: “Ha! Not me. I couldn’t gain even if I tried to! Blessed with a high metabolism I guess!!” And smiles at me… God. How I wanted to snap that petite neck of hers!

Anyhow, I just ate a little more and then threw up. Repeat at dessert. I hate them all. It’s sad but I do. I’ve always liked being AWAY from family, they make everything difficult and complicated ‘cause “they love you, and just want to help” with everything. The only piece of family I can stand being around for more than four days, is my mom. She’s funny and not so deep. I mean she’s smart alright, but she doesn’t poke her nose in my business. And she doesn’t bug me about my ED even though I’ve told her bits and pieces about it.

Back to the island. My intention was to eat dinner and then get out as fast as possible. But this island is so insignificant, that the bus that takes people from the harbor to the city only goes twice a day! This fact slipped my mind. So when I looked at the clock and was packing my stuff, my granny says that I can’t get off the island!!!!!! Horror!!! Of cause I could sleep on the attic... Freaking creepy. So I spend the night, shivering with cold and trying to remember ghosts aren’t real!!

Now I’m home again. Tired and lazy today. Ate two pieces of wholegrain bred (Rugbrød on Danish!!) with turkey for breakfast –and some M&M’s when I got home. Purged. I’m starving now!! What to eat? I want to eat something gross and greasy and purge, but my teeth are actually getting quite sore from all the stomach acid… Ew. I know. Going to bleach them next week at the dentists.

So thats about it I guess. I miss my boyfriend so insanely!! I'm not made for being without him. Heh. And by the way, thanks for commenting ;)

You know I love it!!

All the best from chilly DKK <3

Cille

Coma.

Ugh!! Ate the entire frigde today!!! I am now officially 132.28. HOW THE FRICK DID I JUST GAIN 10lbs??????????? Cause' god hates me.... Jep....

Went to the gym today, I almost live there these days, 2977 calories burned... Good good. Spend like 400 bucks on Asos.com. The two most insane designer dresses, two rings, some make up from Benefit/Paul & Joe, a pair of short platform boots and a pair of killer tights!! All seen below!

OM fucking G!! I just couldn't go on without that Sass & Bide dress!! Looks like angel wings<3

Couldn't resist the same model (ring) in green too....

pic's of me.....

So...

So help me god I'm so fat.... I have like fat hipbones? How can that even be possible? Fat fat fat! I'm feeling low today. Low and fat! I feel wrong and dirty, it's hard to explain, but I feel really wrong in my body today... I have like the hugest ribcage... And yes I'm sucking it all in... I had to stop myself photoshopping the entire shit... God, I hate it. I feel disgusted even putting this up, but it's only fair you guys know the truth. I AM FAT! Don't pay any attention to my great pieces of advice, 'cause if they worked I wouldn't look like this...

I'm just sad Thomas is leaving. Planning a binge.

I don't even give a damn about spelling right now... Sigh.

Cille<3

Oh, by the way, The Milestone just called. I'm goanna go into treatment in two FREAKING months?!?!?!??!?!?!?!??! WTF? How did that happen? Oh, a paperwork error? Yes we told you 10 months but now its like two-tree!!! Shit, I'm screwed sideways!!

Help...

Tribute

(Click to enlarge)

A little thinspo tribute to all ma skinny-ass-bitch-followers ;)

I adore you all <3

Alli??

Okay so the "new" diet pill, Alli, has arrived to Denmark.
A pill that makes your body resistant to fat. In other words, you shit your guts out if you eat fat, which sound great! I mean, I'm bulimic so laxatives isn't anything new to me, but I'm really concerned... I heard that people loose like 5kg in one week on that shit, but... Normally I restrict but what about binges? That’s goanna hurt! That’s the only downside to me so I guess I'm goanna buy the pills tomorrow. Have any of you guys tried Alli?

So today I'm having a good day, even though I have my period and my boyfriend is leaving for China tomorrow (his flight was moved). The sun is shining, birds tweeting and I feel good. Somewhat good that is. A little sad, but nothing suicidal heh. I ate a small bowl, no okay, a big bowl of cocopops with skim milk -I don't know why, but I don't have that fear of diary that most ED's have. Hm. But I also had a big cup of green tea and 3 glasses of water. I can't really stick to the SSPO. I want to eat like a happy pig when I'm with Thomas, so he doesn't worry when he's in China. Even though I'm planning a diet-frenzy in the month he's gone. 5oo cals a day, 2hours of gym and diet pills. Wonderland for a bulimic!

I don't care about getting better anymore. I just don't. I wanna lose weigh! And it's the only thing I really want! So to quote THIN: "Even if it takes dying to get there!"
All that crap about recovery! Fuck it! It's bullshit anyway. I can't get better, I just can't! So to spare myself the disappointment, I quit. Sigh.