Wet winter

People seem so hollow around me. I find them boring. I want something more with life. But I’m scared to find out that’s all there is to it?


Ate today:

4 pieces of bread with turkey.
5 glasses of water
½ glass of milk

That’s it… Proud? Nah. I know why I don’t eat and it aren’t because of willpower. I purposely took myself off the anti depressing medicine because I wasn’t feeling the side effects any longer (nausea).

I restarted on them yesterday. It is horrorble!! I forgot how uncomfortable the side effects are!! It’s like my tong is too big for my mouth and my throat too small for anything to go down. I know it was my own doing… And that you should never play doctor when you have no idea of what you’re doing…

Sigh…

Weight today 126.9lbs

Love
Cille

Dear

"Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it."

~Swedish Proverb

Just the feel of it!

So yesterday I hit rock bottom. And I hit it real hard girls. I broke a mirror and cut my thighs with the broken pieces. And I even carved a word (cause I’m that creative). LOST. On English even thought that’s kinda tacky when my native language is danish… It just felt right. Fitting. I'd think about slicing my wrists later, but then again… If I died? That would make matters worse for Thomas and my mom and dad would… Well, they’d properly be better of… But… Okay truth? I didn’t have the gut to end my own life. I just carved LOST and drank vodka till my mom’s boyfriend fetched me from my apartment –to drunk to take the bus. Thomas had called them and said I was acting weird on the phone…

All this wasn’t really a reaction to him having to stay longer in China. I kinda figured, since my dad had somewhat the same job, and therefore I knew it always takes longer than expected when you work in the east. I think what triggered it was frustration. Anger. Pain. I felt like I couldn’t take one more second in this world! I felt like a failure at everything -even living. Like if I was a better girlfriend he would have come home! Which is ridicules, I know… Or if I was better looking my mom would accept me and stop bitching about my school, cause then she would think “Oh well at least she got her looks.” Or if I was skinnier my family would recognize that I have a serious eating disorder instead of just ignoring the entire damn thing?!? I hate my family! I hate my school! I hate my boyfriend! Why do I have to love him so much? They all suck!

… No, they just aren’t perfect, I know. I’m just so sick and tired of it all. Is this what life is about? Live, breed kids and die? I mean is this it?! Sometimes I wish I could give my life to someone who would want it. A small happy kid somewhere who has deadly brain cancer… I would trade my shot at life so the kid could live. So it wasn’t wasted you know? Well life is life, and we all have to live it I guess…

By the way thanks for your support girls! You made me real happy when I read the comments! Nice to know that at least I can blog alright and that someone care<3

Love
Cille

What if...

Thomas is staying in China for possibly another month.

I'm wondering... If I attempted suicide... Would his company send him home?

Vanish

I feel like I am drifting away. On a small raft down the river. It's quiet and calm, but I can hear the roars of the waterfall somewhere further down.

I'm drifting away. My raft is leaking and the waterfall is getting closer by the second...

I can't move. I am numb to the core and I don't really mind.

I can't fight. I can't rebel against the closing dangers of my future.


I close my eyes and wait for death to strike.

New layout!

So...

What do you think?

I kinda dig it even though it's a little... Depressing...

Love

Cille

Wrap me in cotton

Trying to stay sane proved to be a harder job than I expected. My sanity is hanging by the thread. Had a blackout today -don’t know what caused it… The room suddenly seemed so big and cold. First blurry, then black. And then I was out. When came to my senses I was laying on the floor and had a big bump on my forehead. Aw.

I told Thomas off… Yelled and told him to mind his own business. That was really shitty of me ‘cause he hadn’t done anything wrong! Sorry Thomsen… I’m just over my edge.

Cut myself in the shower… My left upper-inner thigh… And I did it on purpose. I slashed the blade right across the skin and saw the red pearls form from the cut. Saw the blood run down my leg and blend with the hot water on the floor… I felt so much better in that second.

I weigh 127,34lbs today
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Cille