Jazz, coffee and homework

Good morning!






Right now I'm gulping down my coffee and reading up on some homework before I have to go to school, so I'm pretty stressed -sorry for the short post


I did really good on my "diet" yesterday, almost no slipups, and today the future is looking all pink and bright.
I ended up eating for 1000kalories worth of salad, yoghurt and veggies yesterday. And even though I know it wasn't the lowest of calorie-intakes I still feel better than I did two days ago.

Today I'm writing everything down (just for funsies) and so far I've had:

1 cup of coffee with skim milk : 40cals
50g of fibre cereal with skim milk : 230cals
Total:270cals (if I skipped the cereal I would have been better off calorie wise, but... I can't go from everything to nothing -it never works on me.)


Later I'm goanna have two climetines for snack and then a yoghurt at lunch and salad for dinner, then and a run before Thomas comes home -if everything plans out the way I want :)


See yer later alligator

BTW -very first weigh in on Friday!! I'm scared!



Love Cille

My mom's wedding

I started school not so long ago and I have to say, I'm really enjoying it.
Firstly because I was bored out of my mind doing noting, secondly because I'm actually really smart (compared to the average anyway).
Overall study-wise I'm doing good.
But, to no ones' surprise, I am eating way to much crap. No fruit and all fries. I know I know... I'm really disgusted by even typing that! I can't help to think the word foodwhore.
I have been piling on weight since November and I am sick of carrying all this extra jiggle around. My shirts are too tight, my panties are too tight even my freaking tights are to tight!
To draw a picture; I've gone from a 12 to a 14 size UK in approximately tree months... Every weight nightmare I've ever had is coming to life!!

My mom's wedding is in seven months from now, which means that I have seven months to loose all my hateweight. Arms, boobs, belly, thighs and ass! It's a "everything most go" sale of fat.

The way to do this?
I have (properly) mentioned this a few times on the blog but lets go through it again so Cille can keep up, shall we?

1) Motivation. It is vital for any weight loss to stay focused and to keep the goal in mind at all times.To get motivated enough to enduring a "diet" you can do all sorts of things. Carry thinspo around all day. Snap your wrist with a rubberband every time you want to eat. Eat naked in front of the mirror. All that crazy stuff. Personally I prefer to write down the reasons I want to loose weight and then pull them out mentally when I need to.
Top 3 motivating reasons to stay on track:

Fashion -reading magazines, checking blogs, watching fashion shows and model/designer documenteries. Every time I see a dress I know I can't wear because of my fat boobs or belly I feel like running 5 miles!!

Health -keep up with diet/work out trends. I wanna look like I'm 25 at the age of 40, and unhealthy overweight people usually don't.

The high -Spending waaay to more time than mentally healthy looking at myself. But there is nothing better than to stand in front of a mirror and love the way you look. At rare occasions it happens to me and it feels so awesome!


2) Action. One thing is to think "I want to get thin" an other is to do something about it!
I usually start my diet periods with:

Cleaning out my fridge and stocking up on green.

Rejoining the gym or gym classes -but since I'm broke that will have to wait till March. I'm running with my boyfriend instead.

Taking the bike to school instead of the bus.

Saying "no thank you!"

NEVER EVER buying candy/cake/non diet soda -not even for anybody else.

Drinking tea/homemade sugarfree ice tea/water/diet soda -nonstop!

Weighing myself every week -Friday 06:00am.

Eating vitamin pills.



3) Endurance: the hardest thing for me is this step... I almost always fall of the wagon after a couple of weeks but the advices to keep going sound something like this:

Stay motivated!

Don't go to extremes when it comes to diets -lemonade, cabbage soup, cotton ball diet...

Treat yourself a piece of dark chocolate once in a while. (I don't think so...)

Don't eat the same menu over and over again -it causes craves.

Reword yourself with spa/massages/clothes as your weight loss progresses.







Jup, so that's all for now everybody. If you have any tips I am more than glad to post them :)
Love Cille

X-mas

It's that time a year again, and we all know what this means.

Fatty artery clotting food unmistakeably involving; creamy thick sauce, dry sponge cake, mountains of powder sugar, veggies fried up in syrupy syrup and of cause the cold weather. Brr.

Lucky I have been raised to hate Christmas food and everything about this deadly tradition that is "The Feast". And for that I can't help but to love my mom even more! It's not like she slapped my fingers as I would take a second slice of the glazed pork -she just doesn't like the Danish Christmas food, and as a five year old I would mimic her. I still do in many ways.
Ergo, I'm never that worried about having to sit at a table for hours on end with fat on my plate. What really worries me is the chocolate, cake, nougat, rice pudding, cherry sauce, honey roasted nuts, AND alcohol! I have a soft spot for all those things and Christmas is the time where I have to say no three time as much.

So far it's December the 9th and I haven't gained any weight. I want to keep it that way, and I want to loose weight in January where I'm starting school again.

I can't help but to feel that the constant "no"ing is somehow empowering. I like not eating. Not so much the hunger, but the "I don't feel hungry, so I don't eat" feel. I don't have to think so hard about the consistences of what I eat if I don't eat! Eureka!
Of course I put something in my mouth sometimes, like this morning, a banana. And sometimes I eat something the old me would have purged, like yesterday, rice pudding and (heavenly) cheese cubes with figs.
Admitted, I was thinking about purging it, but the whole sticking my fingers down my throat seems a little... Overrated. I don't... Feel the need to do that so much any more. Of course when Thomas had taken a surprise video of me reading and I saw how unbelievably fat I looked, I was annoyed that I didn't purge those treacherous cheese cubes. But as I turned over and laid in the nudge of Thompson's arm I forgot all about the purging and more about how I could justify my action. I hadn't had more that two pieces of toast, a latte and a small portion of salmon salad the entire day. Justified.
I still feel guilty that I can't seem to wheel myself in the times of family cosiness, but... I guess I'm human to the bone when it comes to watching a film with my mom, stepdad and little sister (she's two = extremely cute).




Love Cille
Merry Christmas (even though it's a horrid food season)

Three months

Has it really been tree months since I last posted something about my life?
I guess there hasn't been anything to post. It's so boring being ordenarry. Being sane. Fat.

I got boothed from my job because of cut downs and now I'm unimploied again. BORING!
I'm starting school in January. Single classes to finish my exsam. Yawn.
And, wait for it, I'm super FAT!

I've been in a meditative state theese last months. Not thinking about what I put in my mouth. When to sleep or what to do. Everything has just kinda happened, you know? By it self, and without me knowing, life is just drifting by.

I'm turning 20 in January... Geez I was just getting used to telling people I was 19 and that we are in the 2010!
Soon I'll be 20 and the year'll be 2011...

My life is passing and I do not want to spend my youth on being fat! I can get fat when I'm old and about to die anyway. But not now. Not now when my boobs are still in the upper body area and I'm wrinkle-free.

But I can't do this on my own. I'm too weak alone. I think I need my bulimia to be my trumph. To save me when I screw up -which I will at some point, because... Everybody does... But with a bulimia it's not all or nothing. With that I can have my cake and eat it too -quite litterally.
I feel really disgusted with myself that I'm so greedy!!


Love Cille

coffee and jeans

Good evening lovelies


So I slipped on the 'no-coffee-from the coffee shop' today, but the rest of my plan sticks. To make up for the (awesome) cup of iced-coffee I skipped the yoghurt and lunch. I still think the yoghurt+lunch would have left me with fever calories and a healthier gut flora, but... I'm human, as little as I would like to admit to that, and I sometimes give in to temptation... Ah, life would be so much easier if I would remember to use my brain when I'm hungry and tired.

Today has been a tough working day. I ran up and down the stairs, carrying a shit load of jeans, to tag and untag clothes for a small sale we're having at the store. I felt like I could've fainted, but with every step I thought: exercise if healthy, I need exercise, if it hurts it means that I'm loosing weight! Just one more step! And don't you dare to sit down, you lard-ass!

Tomorrow is my day off, thank havens, and I'm planning on meeting up with a good friend and having a cup of coffee downtown. I'm goanna take your advise, ~Nessa~ , and have a skim milk ice latte -no syrup -no sugar to compensate for my addictive ice-blend. I would love to have a morning run but my gym shoes are at my other apartment because I forgot to get them today. ARG I hate living two places!






Lovely love
Cille

Better late than never

Ever since I got this job as a store assistant, I've been so famished and exhausted that the second I get off, I'm running (in my new super cute kitten heel LV inspired shoes) to the nearest coffee shop to get a huge caffeine packed Ice latte/smootie. They are so good, with an after-taste of caramel and espresso, that I can literally feel energy flowing through me just after one drag.
BUT, they are unhealthy, fattening and, not to be forgotten, expensive (like 6 bucks!)

So, as you know I'm all about thinking forward, and I am 99% sure that if I eat during my non-existent break and plan what I'm goanna eat when, I can avoid the THREE coffee shops on my 5 minutes bus ride home.

Here's the plan for the next week I wrote in my calender:

Wednesday 15/09:
Morning - 1 blueberry smoothie
Snack - 1 cup of yoghurt
Lunch - 1 piece of toasted dark wholegrain bread + a salad
Dinner - tomato/onion salad + 1 slice of veggi lasagne
Exercise - 1hour pilates

Thursday 16/09:
Morning - coffee/green tea + 1 egg + 1 piece of dark wholegrain bread
Snack - an apple
Lunch - Chicken salad
Dinner - half og whats served
Exercise - 50 sit-ups, 20 push'ups, 50 ball squats (I take a pilates ball up between a wall and my back and then squat) + a morning run (min 2km-max 5km)

Friday 17/09:
Morning - 1 apple 1 ricecake with light spread cheese + soya milk
Snack - carrots
Lunch - soup + bread
Dinner - don't know yet for sure, but properly steak and baked potato (Thomas might be coming home!)
Exercise - resting day, but 20 push-ups didn't kill nobody.

Saturday 18/09:
Morning - egg-white omelet with broccoli + 1 apple
Snack - cucumber sticks
Lunch - soup
Dinner - ? Depends on if I eat at my mom's, in that case -always only half of what's served
Exercise - 1 hour fitness centre

Sunday 19/09:
Morning - 1 cup of yoghurt + a smoothie
Snack - 12 pieces of fruit
Lunch - a dark wholegrain sandwich w. tuna
Dinner - donno
Exercise - 45 minutes yoga

Monday 20/09:
Morning - oatmeal with milk and raisins
Snack - 3 carrots
Lunch - seafood wholegrain pastasalad
Dinner - donno
Exercise - 1 hour pilates


That's it. I don't know if you guys can use my plan to anything at all, but at least I think I can.
Tomorrow awaits another rough no-break day at the shop.


Sleep tight and don't let the bedbugs bite
love
Cille

01:00

I hate this.
Waiting for something to trigger me to become somebody else is beyond boresome, not to mention devastating.

I want to do and be more but I keep waiting for a sign to take action.

I loath myself so much when I'm alone, it's hard even to do the dishes. I hate myself. This body, personality and mind seems so out of place in the world I sometimes forget how to walk properly when going to the store. I live on the outside of my life. Spending endless hours reading about imaginary worlds and burdening myself with imaginary emotions. Reading the same pages again and again to pickle the moment in a little jar in my head. I feel wrong. I am wrong. Fake. Lifeless. Misplaced. Odd. Awkward. F.A.T.
I know that if I was skinnier, people would think my insanity to be a little more cute and a little less appalling.

Thomas has been in Saudi Arabia (his a businessman) for over a month. He calls me every night and says that he misses me and that he loves me, I repeat his words in my high pinched voice spattered with something close to remorse, and then hang up.
I hate myself so much less when his close to me.

Maybe that's why I'm being so fucked up at the moment. Thomas always tone down my crazy... Just a notch. God how I wish he was here to pet my hair and kiss me... I don't really remember how it feels to be kissed? Can that be right? Does the sensation go away this quickly?
Then I'm screwed if he dies...
I'm pretty sure I would die too...









Confused and tired love
Cille

I wish I was tiny.

The conscious camillion

Do you ever feel restlessly numb?
Like your soul's been shot up on a mix between horse tranquilliser and speed.
Or is that just me?

It's like this; I want to feel something so bad that I'm pushing myself through emotions that aren't even real!
Last night I watched P.s. I love you -which is a pretty emotional movie, and I put myself so much in the place of the protagonist that I cried 30 minutes after the credits had rolled! I wandered around the apartment, sobbing and didn't sleep until around half past three in the morning because I felt my "beautiful Irish husband had died"...
And this tendency to overly react to unreal situations is really becoming my (quite unwanted) trademark. I've done this since... Forever, I guess, when I think about it.

I think I was about 6 the first time it happened. I was mindlessly scanning the telly for Cartoon Network to see what time it was (I estimated my time through cartoons -power puff girls = early morning, Tom and Jerry = late afternoon, Dexter = dinnertime) when I hit an old TCN war movie that caught my eye.
It was two soldiers in the middle of the icy woods of (I suppose) Russia. It was dead quiet and snowing in this scene and one of the soldier's legs were missing. His comrade hugged his upper body while the legless guy screamed in pain. In that moment I could feel how the ice and snow was gnawing into the leftover stumps of thigh. I could feel the despair of being all alone and helpless in the cold. And, it felt like I was going to fall apart.
Tears came streaming down my face like never before and I cried out all the emotions that had so suddenly washed over me.

Wow, such an odd memory... And I remember every detail about it. The smell, the bad reception, my sweet Mom striding across the living room with confused eyes.

Hmm...
If I ever write a self-biography (a reflection of Cecilie Pedersen -a spiteful and spacey bulimic) that memory will evidently take up a chapter.






Love

Devils dancefloor

Aaah, so good evening lovelies.


Having a nice weekend so far? Mine has been exhausting!

I got a job at NEXT (thanks for your support) as a shop assistant, so that's good. I don't get paid in diamonds, if you know what I mean, but it should do for rent and the basics. The job itself is really good for my social persona and to burn calories. I meet new people every day when I'm working the sales floor AND I have to stand up in 5 hours straight (no breaks if you work under 5 hours per day)! That part is actually a lot harder than you'd think. I worked on Friday and then again today and my legs/back/feet haven't been this torn up since my London shopping trip. Boy... It burns, when you're just a regular "Joe" like me, to stand that long in flats.

The boss is really nice and so are my co-workers, but they are all, (seriously) size xsmall. Short and petite. I feel like giant fat Viking next to those girls! I'm tall-ish and big framed with crazy big blond hair. I hate it when I don't blend in because of my size.
So to solve this -properly delusional- problem, I've decided that the expression: "I am hungry" those exact words in that exact order will NEVER leave my mouth again when in the presence of others. I find them weak and they always leave a bad taste in my mouth so now, I shall never utter them again.

And to answer you question, yes, I have gone completely and entirely mad. Heh.

Type to you later loves.



Love Cille

Ground zero

Haw'ye do everybody!

I sure am two fries short of a happy meal today!
Why? I'll tell you why!
I lost my two vacation pounds!! Woohoo! Go me *doing the happy dance*!
Back at ... pounds! Now there's only 50lbs to go. Still a LOT but at least I quit gaining!

Super duper then. My plan today was ultimately "don't eat", but we all know that usually ends in vomit and tears. Instead I'll try to stay below 500-1000cals today and then harvest the effect tomorrow.
I haven't eaten breakfast yet, only flushed one cup of coffee down at nine, so I guess I should eat something... But what? That's the question. I think I'll go with a brunch solution. Egg-white omelet on toasted dark wholegrain bread and fried tomatoes. No butter. No oil (my parents have this awesome pan -no grease needed).

Exercise? No problem I have to run all over town in heels today (job interviews) so I think I got it covered.

Wish me luck on diet and job lovelies!




Love Cille

Cherry on top

Hello lovelies!


Gosh, I'm so tired! Went to the gym yesterday -which wore me totally out- and again today. My arms, shoulders, butt and inner thighs are hurting like hell right now, but least it's the good kind of pain. I'll take the pain over the fat any day -and you know it!
My routine yesterday was intense and today I slacked it a little. 1km run (yeah yeah not nearly good enough but it gets my blood flowing just fine) then weights for 45 minutes. Finishing with pilates/yoga stretch and exercise.

Eating has been good... ish. I would wish I hadn't eaten some stuff but all in all I've made the better choice. The only slip I had was just now. I binged on 1 and a half piece of leftover pastry, but it's already out of my system. No worries.

I haven't weighed myself since the day after my return to Dk and at that point it was... High... Lets just say that. I gained a kg on Malta and it's killing me! It's so fucked up that I can't lose weight! I'm doing everything by the book! Or... Okay not everything, but I'm trying the best I can.

The next thing on my list is; late lunch, I always tend to push lunch close to dinner when I'm at my moms, so that I don't pig out on whatever (FAT) that might be served by my mom's boyfriend (better safe than sorry).
I'm starving right now, since I've only had a cup of coffee and a boiled egg today. Mmmmh, I can almost hear the salad I made this morning calling to me.
Okay gross, my mouth is watering!

(Brigitte Bardot -so gorgeous)

Hungry love
Cille

Back -also from Malta

Good evening everybody!


I am so SO sorry that I have been away for that long and eternally grateful that you all just kept on following. That's just wonderful!
The reason I've been gone is not that complicated.
Food has been too depressing to blog about, so therefore no blogging.

I'm fat and gaining and I have been lying to everybody (including myself) that it was okay, that I was okay. Somehow I really felt I was, okay, that is. I felt that I didn't care about weight and that I loved my "curves", but along came summer. A hot HOT summer, that required a very light dress code. Lose, lose, lose, situation: I'm fat in a bikini. Other girls are sexy in a bikini, and those who aren't -are fat, floppy and pale and I look just like them.
EVERYTHING is triggering and it's quite depressing. Ah about that I have taken myself off the anti depressing pills and that's really great! I'm officially NOT depressed any more, and that's a relief! Depression is such a buzz kill.

I just spend a week on the island Malta. It was a family vacation without Thomas (because he's in Quatar for business) and therefore not a pure rush of action. But then again vacations aren't meant to be that I guess..



It was so hot on Malta, and our room was without aircon. I was melting, and by the end of the week I was just a puddle on the floor. Or, I would have been, if it wasn't for the pool. The feel of being in icy water in the midday sun (37C in DK terms) is indescribable. Pure bliss.
The only problem is the walk of shame from the shaded lounger to the poolside. God I hate it, more than I hate when I can't find the calorie description. Fortunately the resort we stayed on was a family place so there weren't too many skinny girls with beady loathing eyes. Some, of course, but not a lot. The beach was worse, and we only went once.

The food was horrible! Fried, fried, fried! Lots of white bread, fat and bad service! Malta's kitchen sucks but at least that made me eat less.
I b&p'ed once on fluffy taffy (DO NOT DO THAT! HURTS LIKE HELL) and ice tea. My throat was on fire the rest of the holiday. The rest of the time I just purged. Ice cream and stuff are hard to avoid, easy to dispose.
I ate 3 meals a day, sometimes just 2, and they mostly consisted of:

• Breakfast - fruit + wholegrain bread with a little jam or turkey + coffee

• Lunch - salad or sandwich

• Dinner - fish, salad or meat with potato (boiled/fried)
  

And snacks: unsweetened ice tea/coffee/fruit/diet coke/ginger cookies from Nairns (48cals per biscuit) or nuts. And I drank in average 4L of water everyday.
To get enough exercise was tricky because of the life-threatening heat, but I found the pool to be a somewhat acceptable solution. I guess I spend 20% of my day, every day, in water.

All in all a nice vacation with my mom, her fiancée and my baby sister. AND I maintained (or perhaps even jump started) my perfect 'skinny mission' routine. I missed you, welcome back.

So that's that lovelies! take care and type to you later
If you have any questions, just ask


Love Cille

Sun and grass

Good morning girls.

So thanks for your great advice on the last post, I would love if you had some more!
But both the raw food diet and the lemonade diet is really hard to maintain with Thomas in the house. He would immediately be on my case about how I'm having a setback in recovery (which he would be right about...) and force me back in group. And, and, and, I haven't quite built up the discipline to go on a liquid diet yet.

Yesterdays food was a mess:
10.30 = Yoghurt (100g)
12.00 = piece of bred w salmon
15.30 = Bun w light cheese
19.00 = Pasta (in cream sours)
20.00 = Cherries strawberries + 2 mini muffins
- No purge 'cause of Thomas

It's a bit sad looking at it now... Not thaaat much food but a lot of crappy calories... Damn.

Today I started with 200g of yoghurt (160cal + 2,6g fat) and a cigarette (+1L of water).
So started good!! Weeh! For once!!!
I'm going to my mom's later and I guess we're going shopping. Looking forward to it!

Bring on the DIET TIPS girls!!! I adore them all!




Love Cille

Good morning people


I have a ton of things to do today and no idea how I'm goanna do them all!
But First and for most, I would like to welcome all the new followers who has joined the page the past months! Hello! And apologize for my crappy mood (which properly has reflected in my posts) and the lack of posts in general! Sorry!

I have been joggling some thoughts on how I can lose all my floppy tummy/thigh fat in time of Roskilde Festival (tree weeks tops) without driving myself insane!
I have to eat and I have to have time for life. Those are my only criterias.
Does it make me sound like I'm not dedicated to loosing weight, or is it just me? I mean everybody is asking the question "how do I loose weight?" and the answer is pretty simple -don't eat... But I CAN'T not eat for tree weeks, it would make me loose my mind! And besides I would die of binging.

I'm planning to make a beautiful mix of diet, diet pills and exercise. (Please dear god I can keep this from Thomas until I'm done!!)

Diet: ?
Pills: ? (Lipo Femme, Anoretix -yes it's really called that, Phentermine, Therma power, Xenical, Acomplia and/or Reductil) These are just some of the pills I have been researching.
Supplements: Bio C.L.A. + T, Weighlevel
Exercise: 4x7 days


My question to you guys is now:
What diet have worked best for you?
And/or have you experience with diet pill and which was the best?
Do you know any of the pills I have listed? DO they work?





Lots of love
Cille

...

It is Saturday today.

I feel like shit.
My apartment look like a war zone. I got my period (even though it isn't time yet). My legs are unbelievably fat. I have nothing to wear. I smell like puke. My hair is rotten and keeps falling out! Yesterday I failed my exam. I gained 2kg. I ate cake. I considered suicide two days ago.
I DISGUST MYSELF. My mum and Thomas keeps asking if I took my pills. My head hurts.


And right now I'm hungry and have no fucking idea what to eat -cause' I'm fat.


Today SUCKS!!! I FUCKING HATE TODAY!
I feel like banging my head against the wall till my skull cracks open so all the thoughts can get out!



Knows those days?









All the love I have
Cille

The smell of sunshine

I want some sun!!




Love Cille

Dark side

Here the other night the (normally quiet) poet in me felt like taking over for a while, so I filled page after page about how it fells to be in my shoes and how I would love to kick those clogs off!

I'll admit the poems themselves doesn't make that much sense if you don't live in my head, but then who else is goanna read them except me?
I'm defently NOT posting them here -it would be to cruel to expose you guys to THAT. Heh. But it felt really wonderful to just get it down on paper -I recommend it.

So... Today I didn't weigh myself but I "felt" light this morning so I didn't want destroy that feel-good-feeling with a number. Not today.

Thomas is in Japan this week, lucky bastard -although it's work I still envy him. He promised to bring some healthy dried fish back to me, which sounds really nasty, but I LOVE strange food -especially fish, and some other odd stuff! Japan is sooo weird! I LOVE IT! Cosplay, umbrella hats, raw seafood BRING IT ON! Hmph... Lucky him.

In the meanwhile I'm studying (read: should be studying) for my oral German exam. It's on Friday and I'm am nowhere ready for facing such a challenge at this point. I feel so... Empty in life right now. A little suicidal, but aren't we all at some point in life, and a little depressed. But I'll be fine. I just don't know how the hell I'm goanna get though those shitty exams!! Damn.
Any suggestions?





Lots of love Cille

I love this picture

It's a wild world

My week has been goodish. The finals really suck though. I feel like it went okay with the stuff I had to put down on paper but I have no clue how well it actually went...

The stress is completely tearing me apart. All the tests and talk about the future is really spinning my head. Can't people just live in the now??
I had a minor "breakdown" that lasted two-tree days last week. I think I need to go to the doctor and get his opinion on the doses of anti depressives I'm taking at the moment. I blame the BD on them. That's a little easier then analysing myself.

The food has been good. I have been controlling but not totally obsessive, which was my ultimate goal! Unfortunately I don't think it's goanna last - I can actually already feel myself getting more and more aware of the difficulty that comes with thinking about food. And dreaming about it.
I just tend to not eat because it's too complicated and too hard with all that's going on at the moment! I have to stay in control all the time and that's exhausting -which I'm pretty sure you all recognize.
Everything is an Everest I have to climb. Even taking a thorough bath and doing something to my hair is too much (don't worry I finally got myself to take a bath after a week -yes ew)! Even putting on clothes! I must really look like a hobo at the moment -it's a surprise Thomas haven't left me yet... I'm smelly, fat, ugly and really just a humongous wet blanket.

I weighed in at 69.3kg today. Got a "fake bake" (hate the sun - the only colour it adds to me, is red) and stayed in front of the computer all day. Boooring. My mum has more fun than me!
It was beautiful weather today! Not a cloud in sight, and that rare in Denmark. Thomas went sailing, my mum and Jesper and my baby sis went to Christiania, my dad and his gang went to the park, and me? I stayed at home nursing my misery and watching Tomb Raider...

At least my mood has begun to improve. I don't cry all the freaking time. I don't space out while thinking about how or if I should take my own life and last but not least I can now laugh when my boyfriend tickles my instead of dissolve in angry tears.... Yay me...

I'm really worried about my summer. The endless expectations of party, festival and happy days is getting on my nerves. I can't really explain why I feel so annoyed that everyone just want to hang out with me, but I think it's the disorder that's trying to get me all for itself, and I admit, it is hard to fight against it.
The question weather I should go on the Roskilde Festival with all my fellow graduations is seriously twisting my arm. I know if I don't go I'll properly regret it, but if I go I'm trapped with a bunch of happy people that don't know me to the core (not to mention beer and junkfood) -and that scares the hell out of me... I guess I just have to make a pro and con list.






Love Cille