Behinde closed doors. . .

Well, I am going to tell you how I do things. And NOT because I want to be some kind of thinspo to you guys or anything in that way -but simply because I (personally) "like" to read about how other bulimics do it. It's some kind of proff that I am not going completly mental and that Im not alone with this problem.

My rotine starts with eating. I ate dinner today, rost beef with potatos and sauce.. A BIG nono in my book (at least if I decided that I wasn't going to eat that day). After I had INHAILED my food I tried really hard to keep it down, for the sake of my family, but I failed. Horrorbly. I went to the bathroom. Locked the door. Turned the water on in the shower. Took off my dress so I wouldn't get it dirty and pulled my hair back. I stood leaned over the toilet and puked for about 15minuts or so, and gosh... That hurt! I waited WAY to long with getting rid of it all, so the acid burned all the way. AW! Fucking shit...

I was done, unnoticed and I felt my heart racing in my chest. Nicest feeling all day...

I didn't get it all, but at least 2/3 I suppose.

Gez, I have no idea how to stop! I physically felt sick when I was done eating!! I just couldn't stand the thought of keeping it in.

Sorry guys, I hope you NEVER have to feel like this, and if you already do... Get help. God, I am such a hipocrite (spelled?)!

Love Cille

P.s. spelling control is down, sorry ;)

P.p.s. Thanks for all your comment!! I adore when you guys post a little something for me to read :) :)

You make my day :)

Today sucks...

It really does...

I am sooo hungry, but I have done so well lately... I don't wan't to fuck it up now.

Yesterday I had:

1 big cup of ice coffee

A HUGE plate of fries (which is no longer in my systeme)...

And 50g of tuna...

Sigh.
today I had so far:

1 cracker with cinnimen (60Cal)

I feel sick, and dizzy, but I accually don't care!! I lost weight!! About 4Ibs (2kg)

We are happy to inform you...

News from "the Milestone"...

So, there I am. Sitting in front of my computer, lalala, and then!!! DADADAAA!! A letter dumps dramatically trough my mail slid in the door!! I walk across the floor slowly, ‘cause I kinda got the feeling that it’s the letter I have been “waiting” for... I can spot the logo from “The Milestone” where I stand. It takes me two minutes to snap out of the shock, and walk all the way to the letter. I pick it up and open the envelope. Slowly, slowly. I don’t really want to see the results, because ether way it’s goanna upset me.

I see the top of the letter and I want to scream. To cry. To KILL myself...

“Dear Cecilie... We are happy to inform you that you have been accepted in the program...” Tears are already making the paper wet but I keep reading to find some kind of comfort. And I do, “The wait is approximately nine months...” I sigh. First thought; okay I have approximately nine months to prepare myself for this living hell...

Do you guys want to know what my second thought was? I have to loose weight!! I have maybe less than nine months to loose weight in peace!

Crazy, huh..? But you know, of cause a part of me is happy to be in the program, and that part is also really annoyed that I have to wait so long to get real progressive help. I still have my (free) psychologist until the beginning of the program, so I won’t be completely on my own.

... Wee...

Sigh... I just ate sooo many french-fries and now I feel like sh*t...

Love

Cille

The old ticker

Yeah, so Christine is right. I haven’t been very informative about what’s really going on with me, physically.

Well, dear readers, my heart is going a little off beat these days. It isn’t anything serious -yet, but if I continue my (rather unhealthy) lifestyle, it might become dangerous in a couple of years.
Uh a lot of scary words, but I am taking that info with a bit of salt, cause there’s no evidence that I cant get cured in time! And “it may be fatal in a couple of years”? Yeah yeah tell me something new, I know bulimia isn’t on the “healthy way of life” list! I am not that brainless.
But my heat is beating a little too fast at times, and the doctors have to keep an eye on it, if things evolve.

Other than that my teeth and hair is really getting… Well, worn out. It’s really crappy, but my hair is falling out by the handful. I thought at first it was because I always tied up my hair, but a blood test showed that I was lacking some vitamins.

I try to take some pills against that, but can’t keep the shit down. I am also on some mild anti-depressive pills at the moment, but to be honest… They don’t work. The only thing they do is making me dizzy. A lot, heh.

So, there you go... And don't take all that too serious now, I am working on it :)

XOXO

Cille

Turning a new leaf...?

Nope!

I can't freaking do this!!

I feel like... Shit. Poop. Crap. Whatever! I want to be healthy... I want to stop destroying myself... But I can't... I can't do it... I can't fight anymore, it freaking HURTS! It hurts when I don't eat, and even more when I do! Fu'*§(/&"&!$"=(//%((&$§"ing!!

I Hate THIS! I HATE HATE HATE THIS!!

Gez-louize...
The truth is...I love it. I love to eat and purged. The feel is amazing, and the taste isn't that bad if I do it fast. I love to se other people (and I know this is HORRORBLE) stuff their faces while I am saying "no thank you". I love to feel lightheaded and empty. I love to step on to the scale and se the weight drop right off of me! I love to feel my bones; it’s like a "high" somehow...

Oh so help me god I love having an ED! It's my friend, my enemy, my drug, my lover, my guide, my saint, my secret, my person... My everything...

Shit.

So I'm there... 120lbs.




Jup... goal! Weeh...





Look where I am now?

It's me in the hospitale for a scan because my heart is getting unstabil...

The Milestone

Yesterday was the day my "word" crumbled.
I was confronted with all of my worst fears and I had to talk about the horrors of my everyday. (BTW, my spelling control is down so sorry for the shitty gramma!)

F.U.C.K.
The morning where my "prior(?) conversation" was scheduled to, I woke up at 4.37 am. My eyes flew open and from that second on I couldn't sleep anymore. My first thourght was: "Fuck. Today is Monday..." I walked into the kitchen and made a BIG cup of tea to ease my nerves. Unfortunately nothiong seemed to work. My boyfrind, who had agreed to take me to the center, woke up at seven. I rushed him trough his breakfast and literally pushed him out the door. I really just wanted "this" to be over with!!

The closer we came to "Gentofte"(a citypart where The Milestone where), the more shallow became my breathing. Thomas didn't understand what all the fuss was about. He is so "man-stupid" sometimes. Anyway, my head was spinning and I felt like my heart would stop any second. It was horrorble!!

I stood infront of the center in 20 minuts -Gathering the pieces of courage I had left. I whent inside and as I sat down in the waiting room my eyes overflooded with tears. Normally I NEVER cry in public, but I just felt so overwhelmed by the reality of it all. The realization hit me like a train. "I HAVE A PROBLEM AND I NEED HELP TO LIVE MY LIFE!" I am a crazy person. I am mental. A loone! So I cried and cried until the psychologist came to get me.

She told me about the place and about the ED. She eksplained that I had to write a food-diary every day and then afterwards I would have to bring it to "group" where we would talk about it. FUCK!!! A freaking food-diary!? I understand why... It's just... I don't want that people know what I eat and when!! She also told me that every time we would meet from now on, I would have to be weighted in my underwear!! I cried agian and told her I wasn't ready for THAT, but she just told me that I was never going to be ready unless I faught for it. After that she asked me a bunch of questions and nodded as I answered. Some of the questions were quite hard to answer, you know, about my ED-story and suicide... Sigh...

All in all it wasn't that scary. She was really nice and told me a lot I didn't know about my ED. But I still don't know if I hope I get in... I mean of course I want to get better, but my ED doesn't... If you guys know what I mean.

So that was my newest highlight of my life. I hope you can understand my pointe even though my spelling sucks! Heh.
And sorry for not opdating so often anymore, just started in school again :)

Love
Cille