søndag den 28. februar 2010

Fuck the term: hypocritical!

Why? Why is it I haven't invested in a scale? Why is it that every time I walk by IKEA or Illume’s I think "Ah, I don't need a scale! My ED does!" -and then, when I come home I'm freaking out 'cause I have no idea what I weigh!??!?!?

I'm SO buying one tomorrow!!!

I am at the edge of insanity!

Why don’t I have a scale already? Why doesn’t my mom have a scale!? Why can't I borrow my neighbours scale??? -well okay to answer my own last question; Cause that’s fucking crazy!

Arg! Somebody throw me a freaking scale!!!

I have been eating like a pig. I have broken about 7 of my internal rules today. Never given them much thought before, but since I’ve written them down I can see that some (most) of them are seriously insane.

Like; can’t eat nuts after 12 o’clock, or; everything I’m “keeping” in my system has to have something green beside it –like lettuce, cucumber, pepper, apple, grape and so on…
It’s so a whole lot easier to see how weird they are, and to question them, when they are on a piece of paper. So, I’m working every day to break another! My goal is to get thin/healthy, without crazy rules! And I think that’s very much achievable!

Today I weigh: FUCK! Still no scale girls… My guess would be like 300lbs today… That’s how I feel anyway –my serious guess would be at 138lbs or something. But I can’t be sure…

I have to go to the treatment centre tomorrow –and I really really REALLY don’t feel like it… I think I’m going to get up extra early tomorrow and hit the gym before therapy –even though I know it’s my ED’s plan, I just goanna go with it. I don’t feel like picking a fight with it.
(And sorry if it’s a little weird that I talk about my ED like it’s not a part of me. Therapy stunt. I guess it is a lot easier to fight IT if you’re not felling like you are fighting yourself. Does that make sense?)
Anyhow, I’m goanna bid you girls goodnight (I’m dead beat at eleven o’clock –pathetic), sleep tight an’ don’t let the bedbugs bite ;)

Love Cille


3 kommentarer:

  1. If you give your enemy a name and face, it is easier to defeat. That way you know what it is and it isn't some all-powerful boogeyman lurking in the closet.

    I'm sending you all the luck and strong thoughts I can find for your recovery. Oh god, what I wouldn't give to be normal for a day!


  2. I don't like personalising Ana or any of those nasty voices in my head because once they take on a form and shape, it's hard to get them to leave when there's this constant fear and dread that they're keeping tabs on me.

    I prefer to keep them as ghosts. Intangible bits of nothing that I can chase away and scream at when they come round to bother me.

    I totally agree with keeping ED separate from you. Have a good day tomorrow (or today when you read this)!


  3. Føtex 100 kr. digital with body fat and bmi analysis. So worth it.