søndag den 30. maj 2010
Well good evening my birdies!
I just finished my book, Robber's Daughter (posts title on Danish) by Astrid Lindgren, and I have this melancholic feeling in my chest... It was a wonderful book filled with laughter and I LOVE that book (4. time I read it) but now it over (again)...
Don't you know that feeling? Whenever you finish a good book or film you get "aaaah it's finished" feeling but at the same time "AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED!?".
I guess I have that sad mixture of endings -in general- swirling around in my body so sorry if this post is a bit well... Melancholic.
I had pilates at 10 o'clock (as always these Sundays) and I ate breakfast -fruit, and then started to hit the books... Or my intention was to start hitting the book after I had devoured my peach/banana/watermelon bowl, but if you know me at all you would also know that I NEVER do what I'm supposed to when it comes to school.
So I powered up the computer before giving the book and my exam another thought.
Buuut you goatta do what you goatta do. I guess. No changing that now ( don't you just hate when people point out something so obvious as "you can't go back in time!")
I HATE MYSELF FOR THAT!!!
Lazy, fat, ugly and stupid me! God...
Okay boring post.
Wish me luck tomorrow (read: cross your fingers I won't flunk)
Lots of love Cille
fredag den 28. maj 2010
I woke an hour ago and felt like life is goanna turn out okay. Today.
No giant breakdown.
No real binging.
Maybe this post will make better sense if I tell about what a day from hell yesterday was.
I had the first of my final exams -English.
I went fine. I was fine... Until I wasn't.
I had just walked away from the test-room when suddenly the entire sky just came crashing down on me! I felt like I was cracking in half! I couldn't breathe or speak or stand existing any-more!!
Hysterically I grabbed my phone and got a hold of Thomas (boyfriend trough 3 years). He picked up after only two rings and asked how the test went.
The only problem was just that I seriously couldn't form a sentence! I was a mess! The only thing I really could say was something like: "I don't know... I feel. It bad? I... No."
He apparently understood my panic language and started to calm me down by telling me the simplest things: "breathe Cille. Walk to the bus. Come home and I will be home too."
In that moment I just felt so unbelievable thankful for such a wonderful man existed in my world.
I got home and Thomas fetched my from the station.
At that point I still couldn't compliment an entire sentence but Thomas just held my hand tight and assured me that I wouldn't fly away as long as I held on tight too.
Do not ask me what just happened there!
I guess it was some kind of panic attack? That school will be over soon and I have to manage life on my own? Like an actual adult!
I don't know... But today as I said it, life will be manageable.
Last night I had a Nightmare about my teeth falling out and I was on seriously dangerous drugs. That my mom was ashamed of me and all I loved just faded away before my eyes (including my teeth heh). That's where I realised...
It could be worse!
So have a good day everybody!!
onsdag den 26. maj 2010
But first a little side note.
To minaralou: the centre (or the therapists) didn't really MAKE me do anything. Truth is I just didn't care what I ate for a time and I lost my grasp on holding a low weight as a hardcore overeater/bulimic... They ONLY make seriously underweight girls put on weight or seriously obese ones to loose... So... It's really just my own fault.
To disappear dorian: Thanks. And I know I talk a lot of crap about the centre, but it really isn't that bad. The therapists are really sweet and understanding and the girls in my group give a lot of support to each other and, of course, to the side of me that wants to be ED-free.
Now, let's cut to case, I want/need to loose some weight to be happy in my life as me. I weighed in at 69kg this morning and I want to weigh 55kg at the end of July.
I want to loose weight on my thighs, tummy, boobs, arms and face... Basically ALL OVER! Heh.
The way to do that is by using the tools I have. My general knowledge about food and body, my fitness centre and my bulimia...
- Every time I eat something of my naughty list it CAN NOT stay in my system!! I WILL NOT HAVE IT! I will ONLY eat from my goodie list ;)
- I will drink min. 2L water everyday
- I have to plan every evening meal so I don't binge in junk
- I will write down everything I eat (but I already do that for therapy)
- I will work out 4 times a week -3x1 hour pilates 1x1,5 hours fitness
- I will NOT eat over 1000kcal a day (so count count count!)
- I will sleep 8 hours every night!
- I will not give up if I slip, I'll just keep on trying!
- Every choice is chosen to be one step closer to thin.
One week from now I will evaluate on my plan and then I can add one more or elaborate what needs to be altered.
So that's the plan, and I honestly think I can do it. Here is some summer thinspo to set me off!
mandag den 24. maj 2010
I am NOT giving up on my skinny dream!
It's my last day in group therapy next Monday, and honestly? I'm really excited! Or my ED is... Whatever! I really like that I can look forward to do whatever I want without limitations from The Milestone (ED recovery centre) but I also know how this sounds...
But... Perhaps I'm just not "there" yet. I don't think I'm ready to give up my eating disorder...
I am, however, goanna give up being fat.
I'm 171cm tall and weighed in this morning at 70kg and I look FAT! I know it, and everybody else knows it too.
This summer I'm goanna look freaking slammin' in a bikini and not cringe every time it time for a poolpose! I am goanna smile every time I walk by a reflection and wink at myself! I'm goanna wear all the wonderful short dresses and be beautiful! AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST, I AM GOANNA FEEL GOOD IN MY OWN SKIN!
Okay... So I got the pep talk in place -now I just need a plan...
I thourght about joining "The Skinny Patch" but I kinda like making my own. That's a part of the "fun" for me (yes I'm perhaps funny that way).
I'll post it in the next post girls : )
søndag den 16. maj 2010
I hate my boobs. No, really, I do.
I hate my hips.
I hate my broad shoulders.
I overall hate my large frame! I take too much space in space...
I want to be small. Little. Tiny.
Perhaps like a child?
No boobs, no hips, no signs of being an adult who has to take responsibility.
Today I feel asleep on the sofa after pilates. I had a dream about angels and demons, and god. Jup god -and I'm not really an religious person, but I had a dream about god. God was a woman. Beautiful and looked a bit like an singer from the 1930's. I dreamt that we fought the demons and won and as an reword for my hard work I was granted two wishes.
Guess what I wished for...
"I want to be thin and rich please!!" God shook her head and snapped her fingers... Poof! I was what I wanted, but I didn't feel any different!
Then I woke up.
Symbolic or what!?
Welcome back! I'm really flattered that so so SO many are following my blog! When I started I thought that nobody in the entire world would ever read my rather avarge words. So I'm really glad that somebody do, and that I'm writing something people can use or reflect to.
I am not doing so hot with my big fight with bulimia.Lately the urge to loose weight has been so strong that I'm falling back into my old pattern. Starve, binge, purge and starve again. My boyfriend has been so great about this whole thing and he has really become a strong allay but I feel like I'm being such a burden in his life that I don't wanna ask for help when I seriously need it!
Hmm. I weighed in at 68,07kg this morning (naked) and I was really happy for a moment! All like: "YAY!! GO ME!" But then I remembered that, that kind of emotion is a no-no (when you are trying to get rid of and ED) and that's the ED cheering -not me!
Shit. So I got all depressed because of the "naughty feeling" and how I still let the eating disorder get the best of me.
I went to pilates class (greatest form of workout EVER) at nine am and it was swell, but right after I went to the bakery and bought two mini cream and strawberry pies to me and Thomas... I don't know why I did it 'cause I didn't really feel the urge to something sweet... Maybe to sabotage myself?
I don't know. But I have been eating okay today. Both recording to my ED-recovery program AND recording to myself. The only "slip" was the mini pie and too much diet coke AND I'm properly goanna eat some chocolate I have in the kitchen.
So to avoid (future) binging I'm goanna put some (ED recovery) quotes and pictures on my kitchen cabinets to remind myself to THINK!
The ones that really caught my eye are these:
Self-love is the instrument of our preservation. - Voltaire
When the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, it may be that they take better care of it there. - Cecil Selig
You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. - Buddha
What a lovely surprise to finally discover how unlonely being alone can be. - Ellen Burstyn
Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.- Thomas Edison
Forget past mistakes. Forget failures. Forget about everything except what you're going to do now - and do it. - William Durant
You don't have to control your thoughts; you just have to stop letting them control you.- Dan Millman
Fall seven times, stand up eight. - Japanese proverb
If one is a Greyhound, why try to look like a Pekingese? - Edith Sitwell
If you're going through hell, keep going. -Winston Churchill
Lots of love
torsdag den 6. maj 2010
Good morning girls.
It's awfully grey in the DK right now but I'm positive it's goanna be a good day!
I weighed in a 69,7 and that, what, about 154lbs? (why does lbs have to be such a big number?)
Well, so that's a start. Today I', goanna talk to my study counselor about the future -which is really hard for me, but I'll just have to get it over with!!
Then I'll swing by the pharmacy to get my "pills" (the pill) and perhaps look at some supplements to burn fat faster. I'm still not sure if I want to try Alli, just to see how bad it is... But I guess they wouldn't do me any good in the end, since I'm bulimic and restrictive in my eating habits not that much fat is left to be flushed out with Alli.
What else is on my mind... Ah yes, I have started to train at least 4 times a week (3 x pilates 1x just regular fitness). I AM IN LOVE WITH PILATES!!!
Already after my second class of it I felt "tighter" and it isn't all that sweaty! If you don't know what pilates is, which I'm sure you do, it's exercise based on tension and building up the mussels around the spine. It's sometimes really difficult ('cause of the technique) and hard ('cause you have to hold the tension in you abs ALL THE frigging' TIME) but not in the "I just ran 10km" kind of way. That's why I like it so much. I hate pulse training most of the time. It's sweaty, hot, painful and overall boring!
So I do pilates and run.
And I can already see the results a tiny bit. My tights are a little tighter and my butt a little rounder, heh.
So that's it for today I guess...
I'm goanna grab some breakfast and a cup of tea!
lørdag den 1. maj 2010
It shouldn't be this hard to lose weight!
I mean when I look around on the street and there are tons of thin, lean, slender or skinny girls out there! How the F do they do it? What's the big secret?
Perhaps a healthy relationship with food? But honestly, come on, no woman on the planet has that!
What about some random miracle diet? Blaaaah!
I am seriously so sick of hunting down the new fabulous diet that everyone is on in Hollywood. It's all crap! Diet pills, diet drinks, detox diets, no carbs, no meat, no veggies, no nothing!
The only way to get the body you want is though pain and hard work -and we know it!
But am I the only one who think that sucks?
(Just some frustrating thoughts I had in my head, heh, sorry for sounding so negative.)
Anywho, I am hungry like a tiger but I just don't have the energy to eat, mentally I mean. It's just too darn complicated to eat now a days.
I think I'm goanna go with some fish on wholegrain bread and perhaps a smoothie a little later... Or not. Probably not.