Back -also from Malta

Good evening everybody!


I am so SO sorry that I have been away for that long and eternally grateful that you all just kept on following. That's just wonderful!
The reason I've been gone is not that complicated.
Food has been too depressing to blog about, so therefore no blogging.

I'm fat and gaining and I have been lying to everybody (including myself) that it was okay, that I was okay. Somehow I really felt I was, okay, that is. I felt that I didn't care about weight and that I loved my "curves", but along came summer. A hot HOT summer, that required a very light dress code. Lose, lose, lose, situation: I'm fat in a bikini. Other girls are sexy in a bikini, and those who aren't -are fat, floppy and pale and I look just like them.
EVERYTHING is triggering and it's quite depressing. Ah about that I have taken myself off the anti depressing pills and that's really great! I'm officially NOT depressed any more, and that's a relief! Depression is such a buzz kill.

I just spend a week on the island Malta. It was a family vacation without Thomas (because he's in Quatar for business) and therefore not a pure rush of action. But then again vacations aren't meant to be that I guess..



It was so hot on Malta, and our room was without aircon. I was melting, and by the end of the week I was just a puddle on the floor. Or, I would have been, if it wasn't for the pool. The feel of being in icy water in the midday sun (37C in DK terms) is indescribable. Pure bliss.
The only problem is the walk of shame from the shaded lounger to the poolside. God I hate it, more than I hate when I can't find the calorie description. Fortunately the resort we stayed on was a family place so there weren't too many skinny girls with beady loathing eyes. Some, of course, but not a lot. The beach was worse, and we only went once.

The food was horrible! Fried, fried, fried! Lots of white bread, fat and bad service! Malta's kitchen sucks but at least that made me eat less.
I b&p'ed once on fluffy taffy (DO NOT DO THAT! HURTS LIKE HELL) and ice tea. My throat was on fire the rest of the holiday. The rest of the time I just purged. Ice cream and stuff are hard to avoid, easy to dispose.
I ate 3 meals a day, sometimes just 2, and they mostly consisted of:

• Breakfast - fruit + wholegrain bread with a little jam or turkey + coffee

• Lunch - salad or sandwich

• Dinner - fish, salad or meat with potato (boiled/fried)
  

And snacks: unsweetened ice tea/coffee/fruit/diet coke/ginger cookies from Nairns (48cals per biscuit) or nuts. And I drank in average 4L of water everyday.
To get enough exercise was tricky because of the life-threatening heat, but I found the pool to be a somewhat acceptable solution. I guess I spend 20% of my day, every day, in water.

All in all a nice vacation with my mom, her fiancée and my baby sister. AND I maintained (or perhaps even jump started) my perfect 'skinny mission' routine. I missed you, welcome back.

So that's that lovelies! take care and type to you later
If you have any questions, just ask


Love Cille

Are you ready to get thin?

I know I am girls!

But first a little side note.
To minaralou: the centre (or the therapists) didn't really MAKE me do anything. Truth is I just didn't care what I ate for a time and I lost my grasp on holding a low weight as a hardcore overeater/bulimic... They ONLY make seriously underweight girls put on weight or seriously obese ones to loose... So... It's really just my own fault.
To disappear dorian: Thanks. And I know I talk a lot of crap about the centre, but it really isn't that bad. The therapists are really sweet and understanding and the girls in my group give a lot of support to each other and, of course, to the side of me that wants to be ED-free.


Now, let's cut to case, I want/need to loose some weight to be happy in my life as me. I weighed in at 69kg this morning and I want to weigh 55kg at the end of July.
I want to loose weight on my thighs, tummy, boobs, arms and face... Basically ALL OVER! Heh.

The way to do that is by using the tools I have. My general knowledge about food and body, my fitness centre and my bulimia...

• Every time I eat something of my naughty list it CAN NOT stay in my system!! I WILL NOT HAVE IT! I will ONLY eat from my goodie list ;)
  
• I will drink min. 2L water everyday
• I have to plan every evening meal so I don't binge in junk
• I will write down everything I eat (but I already do that for therapy)
  
• I will work out 4 times a week -3x1 hour pilates 1x1,5 hours fitness
• I will NOT eat over 1000kcal a day (so count count count!)
  
• I will sleep 8 hours every night!
• I will not give up if I slip, I'll just keep on trying!
  
• Every choice is chosen to be one step closer to thin.
  

One week from now I will evaluate on my plan and then I can add one more or elaborate what needs to be altered.

So that's the plan, and I honestly think I can do it. Here is some summer thinspo to set me off!









Love Cille

I can live on cigarettes

I am NOT giving up on my skinny dream!


It's my last day in group therapy next Monday, and honestly? I'm really excited! Or my ED is... Whatever! I really like that I can look forward to do whatever I want without limitations from The Milestone (ED recovery centre) but I also know how this sounds...
But... Perhaps I'm just not "there" yet. I don't think I'm ready to give up my eating disorder...


I am, however, goanna give up being fat.
I'm 171cm tall and weighed in this morning at 70kg and I look FAT! I know it, and everybody else knows it too.

This summer I'm goanna look freaking slammin' in a bikini and not cringe every time it time for a poolpose! I am goanna smile every time I walk by a reflection and wink at myself! I'm goanna wear all the wonderful short dresses and be beautiful! AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST, I AM GOANNA FEEL GOOD IN MY OWN SKIN!


Okay... So I got the pep talk in place -now I just need a plan...
I thourght about joining "The Skinny Patch" but I kinda like making my own. That's a part of the "fun" for me (yes I'm perhaps funny that way).


I'll post it in the next post girls : )


Love Cille

Better late than never

Sorry I’ve been so absent lately darlings –new as old. It’s so fucking hard at the Milestone (ED recovery centre). I HATE it. I dread every Monday ‘cause then I have to step on the scale and face my weigh –which keeps going up at the moment!! Good god I wanna quit!

My depression is really dragging my days down. I have one crappy day after another. And I really don’t get it! I take my pills? I eat? I drink? Stupid thoughts, can’t you just leave me alone!?

I’m scheming against the treatment. I want to loose weight like never before! I just have to STOP telling myself it’s impossible and get on with it!!

Losing weigh and shaping up is easy. Everyone in the world can do it so why not you Cille? Are you really so different? No you aren’t!! It’s a piece of cake, or rather celery in this case. It’s fun and healthy to think about what you eat and do. If you slip, you can get rid of it. But you won’t. You won’t slip. Because you will be orgenised. You WILL BE! You are!!!
What it that? Too pricey to eat healthy and get a personal trainer?? Please is that the best excuse you can come up with? Just don’t buy those Topshop shoes you want next month!!! Isn’t worth it to have a great body? When you get thin you’re goanna look good in a garbage bag!
Are you hungry? Already? But we haven’t even started!! You baby! Think about all the starving people in Haiti?! Oh my god you disgust me… Drink some water you fat cow!
Don’t you wanna be a model? Drop down and give me 20! Where? In the bathroom of course! Thomas won’t get why you do it, he’ll laugh.

Sigh. I feel so conflicted. Can’t I loose weigh AND get rid of my ED? Of course I can! I’m NOT that fucked up!!


Well it’s been a while since I posted my weigh. I guess I’m embarrassed. Here goes nothing: 132lbs / 60kg my BMI is 19,6… AAARG!! I hate seeing it in print! I feel a tight little knot in my tummy just looking at it.

I guess I have to join the gym now. First thing to do when my paycheck comes in the door!!


Love

Tick tack

My brain is porridge... Mealted, overcooked, slimey porridge... I am so tired. And whats strage, I haven't done "today's good deed". I haven't done ANYTHING really... Sigh, I hate those days. You wake up and before you know it the day is long gone and you haven't done shit.

Ate today: 3 pieces of toast with jam at breakefast, 2 grapefruits, and for dinner some chicken and salad. I feel like thats way, WAY, too much! I feel like a pig. A big fat jiggily pig who doesn't deserve to eat EVER AGAIN!

Love

Moment of nothing

Soooo sleepy... But I found this picture/quote and thought it fitting for today.

Love

Mondays...

I went, I saw, and all in all it was… Actually not that bad. I’m still scared out of my wits about the group thing AND all the rules I have to follow next year.
Yup, I am officially IN TREATMENT! Uuuh. I’m goanna start in group therapy on The Milestone (ED Center) the 4th of January 2010.

I am terrified! First of all no dieting. No pills without consent (including laxatives). A food journal EVERY day which the therapists are goanna read out loud to the group (OMG!). Weigh in every Monday and a weight-gain/loss at max. 5/2kg if you are “Normal weight”.
And the list of rules just keeps going like that! What I’m to eat when and where! God… I knew this wasn’t going to be all “rainbows and lollypops” but it just sound so… I don’t know…
Like I’m a child who can’t do anything right… Which I guess is true… At some level…

Thomas is leaving on another business trip for a week. Again in China. Just great. I fell okay at peace with it, but at the same time it’s really pissing me off that his company always sends him just because he aren’t married or has kids. Well, I hope he will be home in time for Christmas.

Other than that I have no real news. I’ve bought all the presents for Christmas and I’m not dreading the traditionally feast. I went to the climate-policy-change demonstration on Saturday and to an exhibit in Forum yesterday about better resource alternatives. That was really cool.
Copenhagen is buzzing with people from all over the world and their ideas on how to change it.

Love

It's in my head

First of all my WORD is down, (and therefor also my spelling control) so sorry for the poor quality of my post...

I had a really nice weekend. Me and some friends went to this awsome party downtown and it was almost a perfect night. The thing that spoiled the evning was my drinking! I drank so much!! At the end I could hardly stand, and I made a big jiggely fool outta myself! Arg...

I got a massage (once agian) from The Milestone (ED center), and I am goanna start after Christmas... I know it's for my own good and yada yada yada, but I'm really scared. All those new people and rules. I don't know if I'm goanna make it. And I feel this insane pressure that every one in my family expect, no DEMAND me to be all whole and healed when I'm done with the treatment...

What if I can't get better? What if I'm doomed to be eating disordered for the rest of my life?? Whould everybody then just give up on me?

I dont know...

And do I really want to be all whole and healed? I mean... If I aren't Cille with the ED, then who the fuck am I? What if my ED definds who I am? How am I then goanna survive without it?

I'm not sure I know HOW to live without my ED...

All these different emotions are washing over me right now, and I feel like I'm goanna drown -you know?

Love

W I L D

Update from space! Sorry sorry for not being committed to blogging these past few weeks! My life has been CRAZY! Crazy I tell yer’! I’ve been spending every waken moment with my sweet but slightly paranoid boyfriend. It’s by the way so so nice to have him home. Just to fall asleep in his warm embrace is bliss, but enough about that. Everything else has been HELL! My temper. My body. My hair. My school. My home!! Everything is ether falling apart or falling out. I am officially down to my “goal” weight once more: 120lbs. But I don’t feel any bit of excitement. I feel the exact opposite. My body keeps on losing weight but it still doesn’t look like the way I want! (Classic ED problem –I know…) It’s so depressing!

At the moment I am eating “normal” – that means tree times a day and about 900calories, but I don’t feel applied too food at all? I hate that I need to eat to function. I want to feel horrible cause’ I “deserve” to be in pain –You know?

I have been in therapy for about six months and it’s really pissing me off that I’m not even close to being better. I’m still unbelievably self-destructive. I still have a serious eating disorder. I’m still depressed and slightly suicidal and therefore a loser. It’s just so frustrating!! Aren’t I supposed to be all “rainbows and lollypops” by now? I don’t understand why I can’t get the ED voices outta my head! They have changed, yes, but not to the better… Before it was kinda a scream in my ear, telling me what to do. But now it’s like an unnoticed whisper. I just “do” ED stuff without even giving it a second thought? Like a habit or a ritual.

The other day I was hanging out at my mom’s and we watched some random show on the tv. We were like 40min. in the show when she asked me to sit still. Until then I hadn’t even noticed that I was doing butt-clenches. Heh, it sound kinda comical, but at my worst phase in my ED I had this rule about never to sit still. Always always DO something! Every calorie counts!! It really surprised me how my subconscious just “remembered” that rule and started doing it without me being directly aware of it??

I don’t know what’s going on with my ED or my body at the moment. It’s like it is running wild!!

Love to my girls

Got me a brand new attitude

First of all, I would like to apologize for my blogger neglect!! Sigh, I guess I have been so absent lately ‘cause my ED has fated a little in to the background. Or maybe I just accepted it fully? I don’t know my darlings...
I don’t really have bulimic tendencies at the moment -I just don’t eat?

So Thomas came home. And as you know we had a bit of a rocky welcome. He said some things and I got hurt and the other way around, but now everything is close to fine. He doesn’t really trust me when I go out and he is so jealous! It’s getting on my last nerve!! Yes, I like to flirt but I know the limitations!? Well, he is properly goanna read this (even though I asked him to stay away from my blog! Well I kinda get it... he’s just curious –but still...) so I better watch my mouth... Anyway, we both have to work on our relationship. He has to trust me, and I just got to grow up! I have to take responsibility for my actions –which sucks- and do the laundry once in a while. Then I guess we’ll be fine. Of course I also have to work on my ED recovery and the depression AND the self injury thing! Heh, I guess I better get to work then?

I don’t really obsess over my diet and weight anymore. I still don’t like what I see in the mirror, but I don’t obsess over it like I did for like 6 months ago. I guess that’s a relief. My weight right now is 124.7 (125) so it’s not that bad. I would like to loose... Well... Honestly? It all! (I know it’s unrealistic) Sometimes I only put one foot on the scale and push it a little down just to see how it would feel to weigh a little less. Heh. Stupid? Maybe, but it gives me some kind of pleasure to see 100lbs on the scale...
As you guys can hear, I still think ALOT about weight and how I look –so I’m not completely hole an’ healed but I’m getting there.

Yup. So that’s the scoop.

Tell me how you guys have been doing lately?

Love

The skeleton is out!

Well... He's home and I'm a mess.
I followed Sarah's advice and just told him what the deal was... He just kissed me and asked why I wanted to destroy something so perfect?

Awww... Cute.
We ended up talking all night and he was so supportive! Told me he was goanna be there for me no matter what and said I shouldn’t worry. He also told me to quit lying to him. I guess I understand that… The problem is just… How?

I have to deal with that later. Right now I am on my way to see my therapist. I don’t know what I’m goanna talk about. What I’m goanna tell her… I guess it will come to me.

About food, I haven’t eaten in two days ‘cause I was so nervous!! And I mean HAVE NOT eaten!! That never happens to me? Anyway, I am goanna eat a sandwich from this healthy-healthy store on my way home.
Looking forward to it (they are so good! And there’s a calorie list for everything! ED Mecca-food-store!) –the only thing that sucks is the price… Sur-price.

Love

Wet winter

People seem so hollow around me. I find them boring. I want something more with life. But I’m scared to find out that’s all there is to it?


Ate today:

4 pieces of bread with turkey.
5 glasses of water
½ glass of milk

That’s it… Proud? Nah. I know why I don’t eat and it aren’t because of willpower. I purposely took myself off the anti depressing medicine because I wasn’t feeling the side effects any longer (nausea).

I restarted on them yesterday. It is horrorble!! I forgot how uncomfortable the side effects are!! It’s like my tong is too big for my mouth and my throat too small for anything to go down. I know it was my own doing… And that you should never play doctor when you have no idea of what you’re doing…

Sigh…

Weight today 126.9lbs

Love
Cille

Just the feel of it!

So yesterday I hit rock bottom. And I hit it real hard girls. I broke a mirror and cut my thighs with the broken pieces. And I even carved a word (cause I’m that creative). LOST. On English even thought that’s kinda tacky when my native language is danish… It just felt right. Fitting. I'd think about slicing my wrists later, but then again… If I died? That would make matters worse for Thomas and my mom and dad would… Well, they’d properly be better of… But… Okay truth? I didn’t have the gut to end my own life. I just carved LOST and drank vodka till my mom’s boyfriend fetched me from my apartment –to drunk to take the bus. Thomas had called them and said I was acting weird on the phone…

All this wasn’t really a reaction to him having to stay longer in China. I kinda figured, since my dad had somewhat the same job, and therefore I knew it always takes longer than expected when you work in the east. I think what triggered it was frustration. Anger. Pain. I felt like I couldn’t take one more second in this world! I felt like a failure at everything -even living. Like if I was a better girlfriend he would have come home! Which is ridicules, I know… Or if I was better looking my mom would accept me and stop bitching about my school, cause then she would think “Oh well at least she got her looks.” Or if I was skinnier my family would recognize that I have a serious eating disorder instead of just ignoring the entire damn thing?!? I hate my family! I hate my school! I hate my boyfriend! Why do I have to love him so much? They all suck!

… No, they just aren’t perfect, I know. I’m just so sick and tired of it all. Is this what life is about? Live, breed kids and die? I mean is this it?! Sometimes I wish I could give my life to someone who would want it. A small happy kid somewhere who has deadly brain cancer… I would trade my shot at life so the kid could live. So it wasn’t wasted you know? Well life is life, and we all have to live it I guess…

By the way thanks for your support girls! You made me real happy when I read the comments! Nice to know that at least I can blog alright and that someone care<3

Love
Cille

Wrap me in cotton

Trying to stay sane proved to be a harder job than I expected. My sanity is hanging by the thread. Had a blackout today -don’t know what caused it… The room suddenly seemed so big and cold. First blurry, then black. And then I was out. When came to my senses I was laying on the floor and had a big bump on my forehead. Aw.

I told Thomas off… Yelled and told him to mind his own business. That was really shitty of me ‘cause he hadn’t done anything wrong! Sorry Thomsen… I’m just over my edge.

Cut myself in the shower… My left upper-inner thigh… And I did it on purpose. I slashed the blade right across the skin and saw the red pearls form from the cut. Saw the blood run down my leg and blend with the hot water on the floor… I felt so much better in that second.

I weigh 127,34lbs today
.

.

.

Cille

POST 100!!!

Wauw... Never thought this bloggin' thing would stick!!
Well it sure did, and I just wanna thank all my readers and followers from stickin' with me for so long.

We are all messed up kids in the same schoolyard...
Anyhow, I am extremely proud of all of you. Wonderful people, inspirational and insightful bloggers and I’m in no doubt that you guys have an ocean of opportunities in front of you! Normally an ED blogger would tell you guys to stay strong -and I will too, but in a very different sense.

The eating disorder has occurred because it had, maybe still do, a purpose. It gave you meaning and would be a friend in dark times... But just remember... Your ED can't solve the things nagging underneath. Because I know that people perhaps find eating disordered superficial, even vain -but this isn't only about loosing weight. Maybe it never was.

I often wonder how my ED became a friend. What she did for me. And I have come to the conclution, that in my case, she was the one who was tough. She took all the negative things and transferred them onto eating habits and goals I could deal with. She still does that, but I don’t need her so much anymore.

I have come to realize I have my family, my sweet loving boyfriend and my friends to take some of my falls –or at least catch me. I don’t want her in my life ‘cause she fucks everything up when it comes to shearing me. She HATES therapy. She dislikes Thomas. She spits on my family and makes me stick my finger down my throat to “make up” for hanging out with my friends. She’s hurting me. Suffecating me in a slow but surely way. I depice her! I hate her! I wanna snap her twiggy neck right here right now! But a part of me can’t let go. What’s goanna happen? I’m goanna get fat!! I am goanna fail in every thing I do if I don’t keep her close! I don’t know what to do on my own..! Those are the terrifying thoughts that pop in my head every session I have with my therapist.

But as time passes, and I get to see all her nasty sides, I can almost imagine my future without her… Thomas and I -engaged, is the clearest picture I have without an eating disorder. And I cling on to that mental image every time she kicks me while I’m down and tells me I’m no good without her. I am not saying that as a description for all ED’ers but that’s the way I see things.

To sum up -my point is, take care. Seek help while you can. And unlike me DON’T let it haunt you for six years. An eating disorder can really fuck things up -even though it comes handy sometimes, it isn’t nearly helping as much as it destroys. Don't waste time like I did. Don't miss the small joys of life. Kiss that boy you’ve always liked, sleep in on Sundays instead of running 3 miles, love your family and talk to them... Don’t hide your pain.

Now enough of my wiseass shit... I love you guys -and I know that's lame since I never met you, but I do somehow. I just want you all to be happy…


This is by the way a piece of my diary (don't ask me why it's in english -just feels natural to me). I sketch my thoughts and try to capture what's going on in my head. To kinda save it for later or maybe even one day show my boyfriend.

>Not at great sketcher - but not horrorble either<

Thats me talking to my ED. We are arguing about treatment and Thomas -aka Thomsen.

Sorry for grammar and all that! I don't have the wonder of spelling control in my head.

Click to enlarge

Love Cille

Weekend from hell!!

So my grandmother lives on this tiny island, along with 300 other people. The entire family was gathered to spend her 77 years birthday.

She makes the best Danish food in the universe. Of cause I hate her food because everything has either: grease, meat or sugar in it!! God! And she’s always pushing me into taking another plate? Why? I’m not that thin and my cousin weighs like 90lbs!

Okay, so we are sitting around the table, eating, when aunt says something like: “Oh, Cille! You’r getting so tiny!” -Which is totally wrong since I just put on 10lbs! (Don’t you guys just hate when people lie to your face like that?) “Have some more beef. And why aren’t you eating the sauce? You used to love granny's sauce!?” Yada yada yada, I saied: “Oh… You know a girl goatta watch her figure… (Saied the eating disordered ha-ha-hah…)” And then… My scrawny cousin looks up and sais: “Ha! Not me. I couldn’t gain even if I tried to! Blessed with a high metabolism I guess!!” And smiles at me… God. How I wanted to snap that petite neck of hers!

Anyhow, I just ate a little more and then threw up. Repeat at dessert. I hate them all. It’s sad but I do. I’ve always liked being AWAY from family, they make everything difficult and complicated ‘cause “they love you, and just want to help” with everything. The only piece of family I can stand being around for more than four days, is my mom. She’s funny and not so deep. I mean she’s smart alright, but she doesn’t poke her nose in my business. And she doesn’t bug me about my ED even though I’ve told her bits and pieces about it.

Back to the island. My intention was to eat dinner and then get out as fast as possible. But this island is so insignificant, that the bus that takes people from the harbor to the city only goes twice a day! This fact slipped my mind. So when I looked at the clock and was packing my stuff, my granny says that I can’t get off the island!!!!!! Horror!!! Of cause I could sleep on the attic... Freaking creepy. So I spend the night, shivering with cold and trying to remember ghosts aren’t real!!

Now I’m home again. Tired and lazy today. Ate two pieces of wholegrain bred (Rugbrød on Danish!!) with turkey for breakfast –and some M&M’s when I got home. Purged. I’m starving now!! What to eat? I want to eat something gross and greasy and purge, but my teeth are actually getting quite sore from all the stomach acid… Ew. I know. Going to bleach them next week at the dentists.

So thats about it I guess. I miss my boyfriend so insanely!! I'm not made for being without him. Heh. And by the way, thanks for commenting ;)

You know I love it!!

All the best from chilly DKK <3

Cille

Alli??

Okay so the "new" diet pill, Alli, has arrived to Denmark.
A pill that makes your body resistant to fat. In other words, you shit your guts out if you eat fat, which sound great! I mean, I'm bulimic so laxatives isn't anything new to me, but I'm really concerned... I heard that people loose like 5kg in one week on that shit, but... Normally I restrict but what about binges? That’s goanna hurt! That’s the only downside to me so I guess I'm goanna buy the pills tomorrow. Have any of you guys tried Alli?

So today I'm having a good day, even though I have my period and my boyfriend is leaving for China tomorrow (his flight was moved). The sun is shining, birds tweeting and I feel good. Somewhat good that is. A little sad, but nothing suicidal heh. I ate a small bowl, no okay, a big bowl of cocopops with skim milk -I don't know why, but I don't have that fear of diary that most ED's have. Hm. But I also had a big cup of green tea and 3 glasses of water. I can't really stick to the SSPO. I want to eat like a happy pig when I'm with Thomas, so he doesn't worry when he's in China. Even though I'm planning a diet-frenzy in the month he's gone. 5oo cals a day, 2hours of gym and diet pills. Wonderland for a bulimic!

I don't care about getting better anymore. I just don't. I wanna lose weigh! And it's the only thing I really want! So to quote THIN: "Even if it takes dying to get there!"
All that crap about recovery! Fuck it! It's bullshit anyway. I can't get better, I just can't! So to spare myself the disappointment, I quit. Sigh.

(?)

I have kept my "purging" to a minimum this weekend... I feel... Angry and proud at the same time? Angry because my ED is angry, I guess. And proud because that’s a step forward in my path to recovery...

All these emotions are making me crazy! They are pulling me in two different directions. My ED is almost ripping my arm off! Everything I put in my mouth is criticized and disapproved, and in the end often purged. Sigh. She’s too strong sometimes (by she I mean my ED) so I just give up and let her “do her thing”.
The other me (the non-ED part) is applauding every time I eat something we both can live with –like a celery stick, ‘cause then I don’t have to fight that much to keep it down.

I don’t know if any of this makes sense to you guys.

But it’s driving me insane and the only thing that helps is talking to my psychologist -and of cause posting here on the blog. It’s helping me blow off all the steam!

So thanks guys!! I love you all!

XOXO

Cille

For the love of Prada!!

Ate today:








Bread bingde; with two pices of cheese... (a zillion calories)





300g of light cottach cheese 900 calories?





100g of dinner (which is good -beef and salad, and I had like "nothing"!)





All in all, a normal diet I guess... For a normal freaking person...





I feel like this:

Even though I look like this:

(Bad pic, just snapped it for you guys...)

XOXO

Cille

Hunger point. . .

"It takes diciplin to be thin!"

From the movie Hunger Point... I like the plot, but it's not a favorite.