Tell me...

Wow, I don't know where to begin.
I'm doing "good" in therapy, but I don't know how long it will last. I eat, sleep, work out and sleep some more. My life is a blur.

I lost 3 pounds since last week -which I feel great about! I'm now at 130lbs (171cm tall). That's fine. I'm okay, 'Cause I can see I'm going in the right direction. I want to accept my body and move on with my life. No more ED -10 years is enough!! I just need to shed the last pounds and control my purging and then I think I'm goanna be just fine.

Eating the right thing is hard. My dietitian says I need to eat more fat to make my brain and mussels function properly, but I have NO intention to listen to that fat cow. If she’s overweight then how is she goanna provide diet advice for me?
She also says I have to eat more carbs and protein since I work out every day. I agree. If I want to build up my mussels I NEED protein.
I still binge, but not as much and as violently as before. I have about one binge per. week, and it isn't as big amounts. Maybe 1000-2000cal. The purging is also improving. I purge 2-4 times a day -not that bad comparing to 20-22times a day.
I work out every day for about an hour and a half. I run 3km and row 1 and then I do weights + crunches + strength. Some times I throw in a little cross trainer or stepping just to get real sweaty. Then I stretch for 15min and then I'm done.
So that's what I spend my time doing. Sleep, eat, work out and sleep some more. And of course I am in group therapy at The Milestone (ED treatment center). Yawn. I just finished my routine so I think I deserve a nap.

Have a wonderful Wednesday girls.


Love Cille

Want or should?

Woaw I'm so tired now. My day has been quite hectic. I ran around town to buy some lamps for my appartment and I was in group therapi at the treatment centre. It was good. I've made some goals for my recovery and I can really see the end of the tunnel now!
I Feel enigized and I'm ready to stand up to my ED.

Tomorrow I'm goanna join a fitness center to get a little healthier and perhaps to flatten my tummy some, but NO ED schemes!!
Just to feel more comfortable in my body and to feel like I'm taking care of it. :)


Goatta go gals, but have a super day



Love Cille

Better late than never

Sorry I’ve been so absent lately darlings –new as old. It’s so fucking hard at the Milestone (ED recovery centre). I HATE it. I dread every Monday ‘cause then I have to step on the scale and face my weigh –which keeps going up at the moment!! Good god I wanna quit!

My depression is really dragging my days down. I have one crappy day after another. And I really don’t get it! I take my pills? I eat? I drink? Stupid thoughts, can’t you just leave me alone!?

I’m scheming against the treatment. I want to loose weight like never before! I just have to STOP telling myself it’s impossible and get on with it!!

Losing weigh and shaping up is easy. Everyone in the world can do it so why not you Cille? Are you really so different? No you aren’t!! It’s a piece of cake, or rather celery in this case. It’s fun and healthy to think about what you eat and do. If you slip, you can get rid of it. But you won’t. You won’t slip. Because you will be orgenised. You WILL BE! You are!!!
What it that? Too pricey to eat healthy and get a personal trainer?? Please is that the best excuse you can come up with? Just don’t buy those Topshop shoes you want next month!!! Isn’t worth it to have a great body? When you get thin you’re goanna look good in a garbage bag!
Are you hungry? Already? But we haven’t even started!! You baby! Think about all the starving people in Haiti?! Oh my god you disgust me… Drink some water you fat cow!
Don’t you wanna be a model? Drop down and give me 20! Where? In the bathroom of course! Thomas won’t get why you do it, he’ll laugh.

Sigh. I feel so conflicted. Can’t I loose weigh AND get rid of my ED? Of course I can! I’m NOT that fucked up!!


Well it’s been a while since I posted my weigh. I guess I’m embarrassed. Here goes nothing: 132lbs / 60kg my BMI is 19,6… AAARG!! I hate seeing it in print! I feel a tight little knot in my tummy just looking at it.

I guess I have to join the gym now. First thing to do when my paycheck comes in the door!!


Love

Another day, another challenge…

Today I was my first official day at the Milestone (ED treatment center ((Stolpegård on Danish))!
The morning was tough. I didn’t want to go and my subconscious kept sabotaging “me getting out of the door”. Suddenly I had to do this and finish that; and when I ran out of excuses I FINALLY pushed myself out the door.
I was late. I ran to the train. I ran to the bus. I ran down the ally to the center, and when I got there? I just stood outside, starring with terror at the frightening building, for ten minutes! I just couldn’t bring myself to go in there like it was any other building! Maybe ‘cause it wasn’t. For me THAT building is a symbol of “losing” control. That building is a token of gaining. And last but not least THAT building is fucking STUFFED with stick-thin girls! Ugh. It was hard but I overcame my fear (yet again I suppose) and stepped inside the reception (actually –it was mostly ‘cause it was snowing and I was freezing my butt off!!). Heh.

So I didn’t interrupt the group, which was really good, I would have felt awful! Like showing up late for class and everybody is ogling you and whispering to each other; but it wasn’t like that.
Everyone was just chatting and it turned out the therapist was late I guess. They introduced them selves and I got to learn a bit of there troubles.

It was strange at first, seeing that people talked so openly about there ED’s, but I slowly got the hang of it. The girls/women there were really sweet. I’m the youngest and newest in the group so they all took care of me.

The only two parts of the entire day, I HATED, was weighing and eating lunch together. The weighing made me really upset and I was about to cry in the middle of the session. But I fought the tears back. The lunch was not so great either. I mean the food was wonderful and I shoved it in ‘cause I was starving (hadn’t eaten for two days because I knew I was going on a scale)!!
But afterwards… I felt so depressed that everyone had just seen me eat like that. All those skinny girls, what do they think of me now?

If only I could turn back time.

Love Cille

Something new, something blue

So x-mas is over. (Thank god). I got some nice gifts and I got to spend time with Thomas, so that was good.




Sigh. Next challange, New Years. I'm spendin my new years eve with my classmates and my boyfriend downtown in Copenhagen. I bought some really cool eye-lashes and some crazy glitter so I guess it can't go comeplitely wrong.



Mmmh I love new years. No because of the party, and certinly not because of the fireworks! But because of the "new". A fresh start, a do-over...

I think my new year's resolution will be to (for a change) something that hasn't got ANYTHING to do with weight... Maybe just food.... I don't know...



Do you guys know your new year's resolutions yet?



I have no idea what I shoud "wish" to change in the new year, 'cause on the one side I want to loose weight/be healthy/trendy but on the other I really should just focus on getting rid of my ED.

Blaah...





Love, love and more love

Cille

Moment of nothing

Soooo sleepy... But I found this picture/quote and thought it fitting for today.

Love

Mondays...

I went, I saw, and all in all it was… Actually not that bad. I’m still scared out of my wits about the group thing AND all the rules I have to follow next year.
Yup, I am officially IN TREATMENT! Uuuh. I’m goanna start in group therapy on The Milestone (ED Center) the 4th of January 2010.

I am terrified! First of all no dieting. No pills without consent (including laxatives). A food journal EVERY day which the therapists are goanna read out loud to the group (OMG!). Weigh in every Monday and a weight-gain/loss at max. 5/2kg if you are “Normal weight”.
And the list of rules just keeps going like that! What I’m to eat when and where! God… I knew this wasn’t going to be all “rainbows and lollypops” but it just sound so… I don’t know…
Like I’m a child who can’t do anything right… Which I guess is true… At some level…

Thomas is leaving on another business trip for a week. Again in China. Just great. I fell okay at peace with it, but at the same time it’s really pissing me off that his company always sends him just because he aren’t married or has kids. Well, I hope he will be home in time for Christmas.

Other than that I have no real news. I’ve bought all the presents for Christmas and I’m not dreading the traditionally feast. I went to the climate-policy-change demonstration on Saturday and to an exhibit in Forum yesterday about better resource alternatives. That was really cool.
Copenhagen is buzzing with people from all over the world and their ideas on how to change it.

Love

pic's of me.....

So...

So help me god I'm so fat.... I have like fat hipbones? How can that even be possible? Fat fat fat! I'm feeling low today. Low and fat! I feel wrong and dirty, it's hard to explain, but I feel really wrong in my body today... I have like the hugest ribcage... And yes I'm sucking it all in... I had to stop myself photoshopping the entire shit... God, I hate it. I feel disgusted even putting this up, but it's only fair you guys know the truth. I AM FAT! Don't pay any attention to my great pieces of advice, 'cause if they worked I wouldn't look like this...

I'm just sad Thomas is leaving. Planning a binge.

I don't even give a damn about spelling right now... Sigh.

Cille<3

Oh, by the way, The Milestone just called. I'm goanna go into treatment in two FREAKING months?!?!?!??!?!?!?!??! WTF? How did that happen? Oh, a paperwork error? Yes we told you 10 months but now its like two-tree!!! Shit, I'm screwed sideways!!

Help...

KILL ME...

Kill me now. Just reach out for the closest item and stab me in the chest! A pencil, a ruler, a pair of scissors! JUST DO IT! I don’t deserve to live…

Sigh, yesterday was awful. I had done very well… All I’d consumed was NOTHING! Freaking fucking nada! And I felt good, physically, about it. No real pain or hurt, just emptiness. Until Thomas came home!! ARG!! I had planed that I would go to bed right away, or fall asleep under the movie before dinner, but I was unsuccessful. I made dinner with him (Homemade pizza, with veggies –no meat and just a little cheese) I could handle that. WRONG! I went completely overboard! Pizza, candy, chips, Pepsi Max (but still), and all of that made a wobbing 958Kcal!! Shit + fuck. And I KEPT THE SHIT IN, because of my boyfriend…

The night before he had lost it and had puked his gut out while he screamed “I just wanna see how it is for you sweetheart!! UH, LOOK AT ME I’M LOOSING WEIGHT!!” Fuck him, I haven’t forgiven him for that yet… Properly never will.

Anyhow, I kept my “binge” down so he wouldn’t yell. I understand just how frustrating all this must be for him, I really do, but he is pushing me over the edge! Everyday it’s like; “eat that, do this, be strait with me, how many times did you though up today!” IT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS HONEY! I mean I am sick, but I’m not brain-dead. I WANT to get better! I just need to get use to the idea. Patience.

Well, maybe I need his help a tiny bit, but I would wish he’d back off a little… And I don't wanna be straight with him, because when I am he turns into a control-freak. The bad guy, and I want him to be min prince not the dragon...

Love you all

Cille

We are happy to inform you...

News from "the Milestone"...

So, there I am. Sitting in front of my computer, lalala, and then!!! DADADAAA!! A letter dumps dramatically trough my mail slid in the door!! I walk across the floor slowly, ‘cause I kinda got the feeling that it’s the letter I have been “waiting” for... I can spot the logo from “The Milestone” where I stand. It takes me two minutes to snap out of the shock, and walk all the way to the letter. I pick it up and open the envelope. Slowly, slowly. I don’t really want to see the results, because ether way it’s goanna upset me.

I see the top of the letter and I want to scream. To cry. To KILL myself...

“Dear Cecilie... We are happy to inform you that you have been accepted in the program...” Tears are already making the paper wet but I keep reading to find some kind of comfort. And I do, “The wait is approximately nine months...” I sigh. First thought; okay I have approximately nine months to prepare myself for this living hell...

Do you guys want to know what my second thought was? I have to loose weight!! I have maybe less than nine months to loose weight in peace!

Crazy, huh..? But you know, of cause a part of me is happy to be in the program, and that part is also really annoyed that I have to wait so long to get real progressive help. I still have my (free) psychologist until the beginning of the program, so I won’t be completely on my own.

... Wee...

Sigh... I just ate sooo many french-fries and now I feel like sh*t...

Love

Cille

The old ticker

Yeah, so Christine is right. I haven’t been very informative about what’s really going on with me, physically.

Well, dear readers, my heart is going a little off beat these days. It isn’t anything serious -yet, but if I continue my (rather unhealthy) lifestyle, it might become dangerous in a couple of years.
Uh a lot of scary words, but I am taking that info with a bit of salt, cause there’s no evidence that I cant get cured in time! And “it may be fatal in a couple of years”? Yeah yeah tell me something new, I know bulimia isn’t on the “healthy way of life” list! I am not that brainless.
But my heat is beating a little too fast at times, and the doctors have to keep an eye on it, if things evolve.

Other than that my teeth and hair is really getting… Well, worn out. It’s really crappy, but my hair is falling out by the handful. I thought at first it was because I always tied up my hair, but a blood test showed that I was lacking some vitamins.

I try to take some pills against that, but can’t keep the shit down. I am also on some mild anti-depressive pills at the moment, but to be honest… They don’t work. The only thing they do is making me dizzy. A lot, heh.

So, there you go... And don't take all that too serious now, I am working on it :)

XOXO

Cille

Shit.

So I'm there... 120lbs.




Jup... goal! Weeh...





Look where I am now?

It's me in the hospitale for a scan because my heart is getting unstabil...

The Milestone

Yesterday was the day my "word" crumbled.
I was confronted with all of my worst fears and I had to talk about the horrors of my everyday. (BTW, my spelling control is down so sorry for the shitty gramma!)

F.U.C.K.
The morning where my "prior(?) conversation" was scheduled to, I woke up at 4.37 am. My eyes flew open and from that second on I couldn't sleep anymore. My first thourght was: "Fuck. Today is Monday..." I walked into the kitchen and made a BIG cup of tea to ease my nerves. Unfortunately nothiong seemed to work. My boyfrind, who had agreed to take me to the center, woke up at seven. I rushed him trough his breakfast and literally pushed him out the door. I really just wanted "this" to be over with!!

The closer we came to "Gentofte"(a citypart where The Milestone where), the more shallow became my breathing. Thomas didn't understand what all the fuss was about. He is so "man-stupid" sometimes. Anyway, my head was spinning and I felt like my heart would stop any second. It was horrorble!!

I stood infront of the center in 20 minuts -Gathering the pieces of courage I had left. I whent inside and as I sat down in the waiting room my eyes overflooded with tears. Normally I NEVER cry in public, but I just felt so overwhelmed by the reality of it all. The realization hit me like a train. "I HAVE A PROBLEM AND I NEED HELP TO LIVE MY LIFE!" I am a crazy person. I am mental. A loone! So I cried and cried until the psychologist came to get me.

She told me about the place and about the ED. She eksplained that I had to write a food-diary every day and then afterwards I would have to bring it to "group" where we would talk about it. FUCK!!! A freaking food-diary!? I understand why... It's just... I don't want that people know what I eat and when!! She also told me that every time we would meet from now on, I would have to be weighted in my underwear!! I cried agian and told her I wasn't ready for THAT, but she just told me that I was never going to be ready unless I faught for it. After that she asked me a bunch of questions and nodded as I answered. Some of the questions were quite hard to answer, you know, about my ED-story and suicide... Sigh...

All in all it wasn't that scary. She was really nice and told me a lot I didn't know about my ED. But I still don't know if I hope I get in... I mean of course I want to get better, but my ED doesn't... If you guys know what I mean.

So that was my newest highlight of my life. I hope you can understand my pointe even though my spelling sucks! Heh.
And sorry for not opdating so often anymore, just started in school again :)

Love
Cille

Treatment

Now, I know that different people follow/read my blog for different reasons. I know a few Pro-ANA’s are frequently clicking on to my blog for thinspiration and tips. And I know that sometimes I make the blog come off a little pro-ED. Sorry.

I am really sorry for twisting this blog from loosing weight (healthy) to loosing your mind.

I have been diagnosed with bulimia by my therapist and my doctor and I am now seeking treatment on a home called The Milestone (Stolpegaarden on danish).

I am not underweight and I am not thin. I haven’t reached my “goal”, but despite that I do have an eating disorder that needs treatment…

Sigh… I am really scared of going there, but I know my family is standing by me and supporting me -Even though it was REALLY hard for them to understand that this was never really about eating.

Okay… I guess what I am trying to say (without sounding too cliché) is that I am goanna turn the blog around and make it be about my fight with bulimia, instead of my love to bulimia.

Wish me luck!!

XOXO Cille

*stay strong - DO NOT starve on...*