onsdag den 15. september 2010

coffee and jeans

Good evening lovelies

So I slipped on the 'no-coffee-from the coffee shop' today, but the rest of my plan sticks. To make up for the (awesome) cup of iced-coffee I skipped the yoghurt and lunch. I still think the yoghurt+lunch would have left me with fever calories and a healthier gut flora, but... I'm human, as little as I would like to admit to that, and I sometimes give in to temptation... Ah, life would be so much easier if I would remember to use my brain when I'm hungry and tired.

Today has been a tough working day. I ran up and down the stairs, carrying a shit load of jeans, to tag and untag clothes for a small sale we're having at the store. I felt like I could've fainted, but with every step I thought: exercise if healthy, I need exercise, if it hurts it means that I'm loosing weight! Just one more step! And don't you dare to sit down, you lard-ass!

Tomorrow is my day off, thank havens, and I'm planning on meeting up with a good friend and having a cup of coffee downtown. I'm goanna take your advise, ~Nessa~ , and have a skim milk ice latte -no syrup -no sugar to compensate for my addictive ice-blend. I would love to have a morning run but my gym shoes are at my other apartment because I forgot to get them today. ARG I hate living two places!


Lovely love

tirsdag den 14. september 2010

Better late than never


Ever since I got this job as a store assistant, I've been so famished and exhausted that the second I get off, I'm running (in my new super cute kitten heel LV inspired shoes) to the nearest coffee shop to get a huge caffeine packed Ice latte/smootie. They are so good, with an after-taste of caramel and espresso, that I can literally feel energy flowing through me just after one drag.
BUT, they are unhealthy, fattening and, not to be forgotten, expensive (like 6 bucks!)

So, as you know I'm all about thinking forward, and I am 99% sure that if I eat during my non-existent break and plan what I'm goanna eat when, I can avoid the THREE coffee shops on my 5 minutes bus ride home.

Here's the plan for the next week I wrote in my calender:

Wednesday 15/09:
Morning - 1 blueberry smoothie
Snack - 1 cup of yoghurt
Lunch - 1 piece of toasted dark wholegrain bread + a salad
Dinner - tomato/onion salad + 1 slice of veggi lasagne
Exercise - 1hour pilates

Thursday 16/09:
Morning - coffee/green tea + 1 egg + 1 piece of dark wholegrain bread
Snack - an apple
Lunch - Chicken salad
Dinner - half og whats served
Exercise - 50 sit-ups, 20 push'ups, 50 ball squats (I take a pilates ball up between a wall and my back and then squat) + a morning run (min 2km-max 5km)

Friday 17/09:
Morning - 1 apple 1 ricecake with light spread cheese + soya milk
Snack - carrots
Lunch - soup + bread
Dinner - don't know yet for sure, but properly steak and baked potato (Thomas might be coming home!)
Exercise - resting day, but 20 push-ups didn't kill nobody.

Saturday 18/09:
Morning - egg-white omelet with broccoli + 1 apple
Snack - cucumber sticks
Lunch - soup
Dinner - ? Depends on if I eat at my mom's, in that case -always only half of what's served
Exercise - 1 hour fitness centre

Sunday 19/09:
Morning - 1 cup of yoghurt + a smoothie
Snack - 12 pieces of fruit
Lunch - a dark wholegrain sandwich w. tuna
Dinner - donno
Exercise - 45 minutes yoga

Monday 20/09:
Morning - oatmeal with milk and raisins
Snack - 3 carrots
Lunch - seafood wholegrain pastasalad
Dinner - donno
Exercise - 1 hour pilates

That's it. I don't know if you guys can use my plan to anything at all, but at least I think I can.
Tomorrow awaits another rough no-break day at the shop.

Sleep tight and don't let the bedbugs bite

mandag den 13. september 2010


I hate this.
Waiting for something to trigger me to become somebody else is beyond boresome, not to mention devastating.

I want to do and be more but I keep waiting for a sign to take action.

I loath myself so much when I'm alone, it's hard even to do the dishes. I hate myself. This body, personality and mind seems so out of place in the world I sometimes forget how to walk properly when going to the store. I live on the outside of my life. Spending endless hours reading about imaginary worlds and burdening myself with imaginary emotions. Reading the same pages again and again to pickle the moment in a little jar in my head. I feel wrong. I am wrong. Fake. Lifeless. Misplaced. Odd. Awkward. F.A.T.
I know that if I was skinnier, people would think my insanity to be a little more cute and a little less appalling.

Thomas has been in Saudi Arabia (his a businessman) for over a month. He calls me every night and says that he misses me and that he loves me, I repeat his words in my high pinched voice spattered with something close to remorse, and then hang up.
I hate myself so much less when his close to me.

Maybe that's why I'm being so fucked up at the moment. Thomas always tone down my crazy... Just a notch. God how I wish he was here to pet my hair and kiss me... I don't really remember how it feels to be kissed? Can that be right? Does the sensation go away this quickly?
Then I'm screwed if he dies...
I'm pretty sure I would die too...

Confused and tired love

søndag den 12. september 2010

I wish I was tiny.

The conscious camillion

Do you ever feel restlessly numb?
Like your soul's been shot up on a mix between horse tranquilliser and speed.
Or is that just me?

It's like this; I want to feel something so bad that I'm pushing myself through emotions that aren't even real!
Last night I watched P.s. I love you -which is a pretty emotional movie, and I put myself so much in the place of the protagonist that I cried 30 minutes after the credits had rolled! I wandered around the apartment, sobbing and didn't sleep until around half past three in the morning because I felt my "beautiful Irish husband had died"...
And this tendency to overly react to unreal situations is really becoming my (quite unwanted) trademark. I've done this since... Forever, I guess, when I think about it.

I think I was about 6 the first time it happened. I was mindlessly scanning the telly for Cartoon Network to see what time it was (I estimated my time through cartoons -power puff girls = early morning, Tom and Jerry = late afternoon, Dexter = dinnertime) when I hit an old TCN war movie that caught my eye.
It was two soldiers in the middle of the icy woods of (I suppose) Russia. It was dead quiet and snowing in this scene and one of the soldier's legs were missing. His comrade hugged his upper body while the legless guy screamed in pain. In that moment I could feel how the ice and snow was gnawing into the leftover stumps of thigh. I could feel the despair of being all alone and helpless in the cold. And, it felt like I was going to fall apart.
Tears came streaming down my face like never before and I cried out all the emotions that had so suddenly washed over me.

Wow, such an odd memory... And I remember every detail about it. The smell, the bad reception, my sweet Mom striding across the living room with confused eyes.

If I ever write a self-biography (a reflection of Cecilie Pedersen -a spiteful and spacey bulimic) that memory will evidently take up a chapter.



lørdag den 11. september 2010

Devils dancefloor

Aaah, so good evening lovelies.

Having a nice weekend so far? Mine has been exhausting!

I got a job at NEXT (thanks for your support) as a shop assistant, so that's good. I don't get paid in diamonds, if you know what I mean, but it should do for rent and the basics. The job itself is really good for my social persona and to burn calories. I meet new people every day when I'm working the sales floor AND I have to stand up in 5 hours straight (no breaks if you work under 5 hours per day)! That part is actually a lot harder than you'd think. I worked on Friday and then again today and my legs/back/feet haven't been this torn up since my London shopping trip. Boy... It burns, when you're just a regular "Joe" like me, to stand that long in flats.

The boss is really nice and so are my co-workers, but they are all, (seriously) size xsmall. Short and petite. I feel like giant fat Viking next to those girls! I'm tall-ish and big framed with crazy big blond hair. I hate it when I don't blend in because of my size.
So to solve this -properly delusional- problem, I've decided that the expression: "I am hungry" those exact words in that exact order will NEVER leave my mouth again when in the presence of others. I find them weak and they always leave a bad taste in my mouth so now, I shall never utter them again.

And to answer you question, yes, I have gone completely and entirely mad. Heh.

Type to you later loves.

Love Cille