My mom's wedding

I started school not so long ago and I have to say, I'm really enjoying it.
Firstly because I was bored out of my mind doing noting, secondly because I'm actually really smart (compared to the average anyway).
Overall study-wise I'm doing good.
But, to no ones' surprise, I am eating way to much crap. No fruit and all fries. I know I know... I'm really disgusted by even typing that! I can't help to think the word foodwhore.
I have been piling on weight since November and I am sick of carrying all this extra jiggle around. My shirts are too tight, my panties are too tight even my freaking tights are to tight!
To draw a picture; I've gone from a 12 to a 14 size UK in approximately tree months... Every weight nightmare I've ever had is coming to life!!

My mom's wedding is in seven months from now, which means that I have seven months to loose all my hateweight. Arms, boobs, belly, thighs and ass! It's a "everything most go" sale of fat.

The way to do this?
I have (properly) mentioned this a few times on the blog but lets go through it again so Cille can keep up, shall we?

1) Motivation. It is vital for any weight loss to stay focused and to keep the goal in mind at all times.To get motivated enough to enduring a "diet" you can do all sorts of things. Carry thinspo around all day. Snap your wrist with a rubberband every time you want to eat. Eat naked in front of the mirror. All that crazy stuff. Personally I prefer to write down the reasons I want to loose weight and then pull them out mentally when I need to.
Top 3 motivating reasons to stay on track:

Fashion -reading magazines, checking blogs, watching fashion shows and model/designer documenteries. Every time I see a dress I know I can't wear because of my fat boobs or belly I feel like running 5 miles!!

Health -keep up with diet/work out trends. I wanna look like I'm 25 at the age of 40, and unhealthy overweight people usually don't.

The high -Spending waaay to more time than mentally healthy looking at myself. But there is nothing better than to stand in front of a mirror and love the way you look. At rare occasions it happens to me and it feels so awesome!


2) Action. One thing is to think "I want to get thin" an other is to do something about it!
I usually start my diet periods with:

Cleaning out my fridge and stocking up on green.

Rejoining the gym or gym classes -but since I'm broke that will have to wait till March. I'm running with my boyfriend instead.

Taking the bike to school instead of the bus.

Saying "no thank you!"

NEVER EVER buying candy/cake/non diet soda -not even for anybody else.

Drinking tea/homemade sugarfree ice tea/water/diet soda -nonstop!

Weighing myself every week -Friday 06:00am.

Eating vitamin pills.



3) Endurance: the hardest thing for me is this step... I almost always fall of the wagon after a couple of weeks but the advices to keep going sound something like this:

Stay motivated!

Don't go to extremes when it comes to diets -lemonade, cabbage soup, cotton ball diet...

Treat yourself a piece of dark chocolate once in a while. (I don't think so...)

Don't eat the same menu over and over again -it causes craves.

Reword yourself with spa/massages/clothes as your weight loss progresses.







Jup, so that's all for now everybody. If you have any tips I am more than glad to post them :)
Love Cille

Three months

Has it really been tree months since I last posted something about my life?
I guess there hasn't been anything to post. It's so boring being ordenarry. Being sane. Fat.

I got boothed from my job because of cut downs and now I'm unimploied again. BORING!
I'm starting school in January. Single classes to finish my exsam. Yawn.
And, wait for it, I'm super FAT!

I've been in a meditative state theese last months. Not thinking about what I put in my mouth. When to sleep or what to do. Everything has just kinda happened, you know? By it self, and without me knowing, life is just drifting by.

I'm turning 20 in January... Geez I was just getting used to telling people I was 19 and that we are in the 2010!
Soon I'll be 20 and the year'll be 2011...

My life is passing and I do not want to spend my youth on being fat! I can get fat when I'm old and about to die anyway. But not now. Not now when my boobs are still in the upper body area and I'm wrinkle-free.

But I can't do this on my own. I'm too weak alone. I think I need my bulimia to be my trumph. To save me when I screw up -which I will at some point, because... Everybody does... But with a bulimia it's not all or nothing. With that I can have my cake and eat it too -quite litterally.
I feel really disgusted with myself that I'm so greedy!!


Love Cille

coffee and jeans

Good evening lovelies


So I slipped on the 'no-coffee-from the coffee shop' today, but the rest of my plan sticks. To make up for the (awesome) cup of iced-coffee I skipped the yoghurt and lunch. I still think the yoghurt+lunch would have left me with fever calories and a healthier gut flora, but... I'm human, as little as I would like to admit to that, and I sometimes give in to temptation... Ah, life would be so much easier if I would remember to use my brain when I'm hungry and tired.

Today has been a tough working day. I ran up and down the stairs, carrying a shit load of jeans, to tag and untag clothes for a small sale we're having at the store. I felt like I could've fainted, but with every step I thought: exercise if healthy, I need exercise, if it hurts it means that I'm loosing weight! Just one more step! And don't you dare to sit down, you lard-ass!

Tomorrow is my day off, thank havens, and I'm planning on meeting up with a good friend and having a cup of coffee downtown. I'm goanna take your advise, ~Nessa~ , and have a skim milk ice latte -no syrup -no sugar to compensate for my addictive ice-blend. I would love to have a morning run but my gym shoes are at my other apartment because I forgot to get them today. ARG I hate living two places!






Lovely love
Cille

Better late than never

Ever since I got this job as a store assistant, I've been so famished and exhausted that the second I get off, I'm running (in my new super cute kitten heel LV inspired shoes) to the nearest coffee shop to get a huge caffeine packed Ice latte/smootie. They are so good, with an after-taste of caramel and espresso, that I can literally feel energy flowing through me just after one drag.
BUT, they are unhealthy, fattening and, not to be forgotten, expensive (like 6 bucks!)

So, as you know I'm all about thinking forward, and I am 99% sure that if I eat during my non-existent break and plan what I'm goanna eat when, I can avoid the THREE coffee shops on my 5 minutes bus ride home.

Here's the plan for the next week I wrote in my calender:

Wednesday 15/09:
Morning - 1 blueberry smoothie
Snack - 1 cup of yoghurt
Lunch - 1 piece of toasted dark wholegrain bread + a salad
Dinner - tomato/onion salad + 1 slice of veggi lasagne
Exercise - 1hour pilates

Thursday 16/09:
Morning - coffee/green tea + 1 egg + 1 piece of dark wholegrain bread
Snack - an apple
Lunch - Chicken salad
Dinner - half og whats served
Exercise - 50 sit-ups, 20 push'ups, 50 ball squats (I take a pilates ball up between a wall and my back and then squat) + a morning run (min 2km-max 5km)

Friday 17/09:
Morning - 1 apple 1 ricecake with light spread cheese + soya milk
Snack - carrots
Lunch - soup + bread
Dinner - don't know yet for sure, but properly steak and baked potato (Thomas might be coming home!)
Exercise - resting day, but 20 push-ups didn't kill nobody.

Saturday 18/09:
Morning - egg-white omelet with broccoli + 1 apple
Snack - cucumber sticks
Lunch - soup
Dinner - ? Depends on if I eat at my mom's, in that case -always only half of what's served
Exercise - 1 hour fitness centre

Sunday 19/09:
Morning - 1 cup of yoghurt + a smoothie
Snack - 12 pieces of fruit
Lunch - a dark wholegrain sandwich w. tuna
Dinner - donno
Exercise - 45 minutes yoga

Monday 20/09:
Morning - oatmeal with milk and raisins
Snack - 3 carrots
Lunch - seafood wholegrain pastasalad
Dinner - donno
Exercise - 1 hour pilates


That's it. I don't know if you guys can use my plan to anything at all, but at least I think I can.
Tomorrow awaits another rough no-break day at the shop.


Sleep tight and don't let the bedbugs bite
love
Cille

Devils dancefloor

Aaah, so good evening lovelies.


Having a nice weekend so far? Mine has been exhausting!

I got a job at NEXT (thanks for your support) as a shop assistant, so that's good. I don't get paid in diamonds, if you know what I mean, but it should do for rent and the basics. The job itself is really good for my social persona and to burn calories. I meet new people every day when I'm working the sales floor AND I have to stand up in 5 hours straight (no breaks if you work under 5 hours per day)! That part is actually a lot harder than you'd think. I worked on Friday and then again today and my legs/back/feet haven't been this torn up since my London shopping trip. Boy... It burns, when you're just a regular "Joe" like me, to stand that long in flats.

The boss is really nice and so are my co-workers, but they are all, (seriously) size xsmall. Short and petite. I feel like giant fat Viking next to those girls! I'm tall-ish and big framed with crazy big blond hair. I hate it when I don't blend in because of my size.
So to solve this -properly delusional- problem, I've decided that the expression: "I am hungry" those exact words in that exact order will NEVER leave my mouth again when in the presence of others. I find them weak and they always leave a bad taste in my mouth so now, I shall never utter them again.

And to answer you question, yes, I have gone completely and entirely mad. Heh.

Type to you later loves.



Love Cille

Ground zero

Haw'ye do everybody!

I sure am two fries short of a happy meal today!
Why? I'll tell you why!
I lost my two vacation pounds!! Woohoo! Go me *doing the happy dance*!
Back at ... pounds! Now there's only 50lbs to go. Still a LOT but at least I quit gaining!

Super duper then. My plan today was ultimately "don't eat", but we all know that usually ends in vomit and tears. Instead I'll try to stay below 500-1000cals today and then harvest the effect tomorrow.
I haven't eaten breakfast yet, only flushed one cup of coffee down at nine, so I guess I should eat something... But what? That's the question. I think I'll go with a brunch solution. Egg-white omelet on toasted dark wholegrain bread and fried tomatoes. No butter. No oil (my parents have this awesome pan -no grease needed).

Exercise? No problem I have to run all over town in heels today (job interviews) so I think I got it covered.

Wish me luck on diet and job lovelies!




Love Cille

Dark side

Here the other night the (normally quiet) poet in me felt like taking over for a while, so I filled page after page about how it fells to be in my shoes and how I would love to kick those clogs off!

I'll admit the poems themselves doesn't make that much sense if you don't live in my head, but then who else is goanna read them except me?
I'm defently NOT posting them here -it would be to cruel to expose you guys to THAT. Heh. But it felt really wonderful to just get it down on paper -I recommend it.

So... Today I didn't weigh myself but I "felt" light this morning so I didn't want destroy that feel-good-feeling with a number. Not today.

Thomas is in Japan this week, lucky bastard -although it's work I still envy him. He promised to bring some healthy dried fish back to me, which sounds really nasty, but I LOVE strange food -especially fish, and some other odd stuff! Japan is sooo weird! I LOVE IT! Cosplay, umbrella hats, raw seafood BRING IT ON! Hmph... Lucky him.

In the meanwhile I'm studying (read: should be studying) for my oral German exam. It's on Friday and I'm am nowhere ready for facing such a challenge at this point. I feel so... Empty in life right now. A little suicidal, but aren't we all at some point in life, and a little depressed. But I'll be fine. I just don't know how the hell I'm goanna get though those shitty exams!! Damn.
Any suggestions?





Lots of love Cille

It's a wild world

My week has been goodish. The finals really suck though. I feel like it went okay with the stuff I had to put down on paper but I have no clue how well it actually went...

The stress is completely tearing me apart. All the tests and talk about the future is really spinning my head. Can't people just live in the now??
I had a minor "breakdown" that lasted two-tree days last week. I think I need to go to the doctor and get his opinion on the doses of anti depressives I'm taking at the moment. I blame the BD on them. That's a little easier then analysing myself.

The food has been good. I have been controlling but not totally obsessive, which was my ultimate goal! Unfortunately I don't think it's goanna last - I can actually already feel myself getting more and more aware of the difficulty that comes with thinking about food. And dreaming about it.
I just tend to not eat because it's too complicated and too hard with all that's going on at the moment! I have to stay in control all the time and that's exhausting -which I'm pretty sure you all recognize.
Everything is an Everest I have to climb. Even taking a thorough bath and doing something to my hair is too much (don't worry I finally got myself to take a bath after a week -yes ew)! Even putting on clothes! I must really look like a hobo at the moment -it's a surprise Thomas haven't left me yet... I'm smelly, fat, ugly and really just a humongous wet blanket.

I weighed in at 69.3kg today. Got a "fake bake" (hate the sun - the only colour it adds to me, is red) and stayed in front of the computer all day. Boooring. My mum has more fun than me!
It was beautiful weather today! Not a cloud in sight, and that rare in Denmark. Thomas went sailing, my mum and Jesper and my baby sis went to Christiania, my dad and his gang went to the park, and me? I stayed at home nursing my misery and watching Tomb Raider...

At least my mood has begun to improve. I don't cry all the freaking time. I don't space out while thinking about how or if I should take my own life and last but not least I can now laugh when my boyfriend tickles my instead of dissolve in angry tears.... Yay me...

I'm really worried about my summer. The endless expectations of party, festival and happy days is getting on my nerves. I can't really explain why I feel so annoyed that everyone just want to hang out with me, but I think it's the disorder that's trying to get me all for itself, and I admit, it is hard to fight against it.
The question weather I should go on the Roskilde Festival with all my fellow graduations is seriously twisting my arm. I know if I don't go I'll properly regret it, but if I go I'm trapped with a bunch of happy people that don't know me to the core (not to mention beer and junkfood) -and that scares the hell out of me... I guess I just have to make a pro and con list.






Love Cille

Are you ready to get thin?

I know I am girls!

But first a little side note.
To minaralou: the centre (or the therapists) didn't really MAKE me do anything. Truth is I just didn't care what I ate for a time and I lost my grasp on holding a low weight as a hardcore overeater/bulimic... They ONLY make seriously underweight girls put on weight or seriously obese ones to loose... So... It's really just my own fault.
To disappear dorian: Thanks. And I know I talk a lot of crap about the centre, but it really isn't that bad. The therapists are really sweet and understanding and the girls in my group give a lot of support to each other and, of course, to the side of me that wants to be ED-free.


Now, let's cut to case, I want/need to loose some weight to be happy in my life as me. I weighed in at 69kg this morning and I want to weigh 55kg at the end of July.
I want to loose weight on my thighs, tummy, boobs, arms and face... Basically ALL OVER! Heh.

The way to do that is by using the tools I have. My general knowledge about food and body, my fitness centre and my bulimia...

• Every time I eat something of my naughty list it CAN NOT stay in my system!! I WILL NOT HAVE IT! I will ONLY eat from my goodie list ;)
  
• I will drink min. 2L water everyday
• I have to plan every evening meal so I don't binge in junk
• I will write down everything I eat (but I already do that for therapy)
  
• I will work out 4 times a week -3x1 hour pilates 1x1,5 hours fitness
• I will NOT eat over 1000kcal a day (so count count count!)
  
• I will sleep 8 hours every night!
• I will not give up if I slip, I'll just keep on trying!
  
• Every choice is chosen to be one step closer to thin.
  

One week from now I will evaluate on my plan and then I can add one more or elaborate what needs to be altered.

So that's the plan, and I honestly think I can do it. Here is some summer thinspo to set me off!









Love Cille

Make me strong!!!

Hey girls!
Welcome back! I'm really flattered that so so SO many are following my blog! When I started I thought that nobody in the entire world would ever read my rather avarge words. So I'm really glad that somebody do, and that I'm writing something people can use or reflect to.

Jup.
I am not doing so hot with my big fight with bulimia.Lately the urge to loose weight has been so strong that I'm falling back into my old pattern. Starve, binge, purge and starve again. My boyfriend has been so great about this whole thing and he has really become a strong allay but I feel like I'm being such a burden in his life that I don't wanna ask for help when I seriously need it!

Hmm. I weighed in at 68,07kg this morning (naked) and I was really happy for a moment! All like: "YAY!! GO ME!" But then I remembered that, that kind of emotion is a no-no (when you are trying to get rid of and ED) and that's the ED cheering -not me!
Shit. So I got all depressed because of the "naughty feeling" and how I still let the eating disorder get the best of me.

I went to pilates class (greatest form of workout EVER) at nine am and it was swell, but right after I went to the bakery and bought two mini cream and strawberry pies to me and Thomas... I don't know why I did it 'cause I didn't really feel the urge to something sweet... Maybe to sabotage myself?
I don't know. But I have been eating okay today. Both recording to my ED-recovery program AND recording to myself. The only "slip" was the mini pie and too much diet coke AND I'm properly goanna eat some chocolate I have in the kitchen.

So to avoid (future) binging I'm goanna put some (ED recovery) quotes and pictures on my kitchen cabinets to remind myself to THINK!
The ones that really caught my eye are these:

Self-love is the instrument of our preservation. - Voltaire

When the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, it may be that they take better care of it there. - Cecil Selig

You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. - Buddha

What a lovely surprise to finally discover how unlonely being alone can be. - Ellen Burstyn

Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.- Thomas Edison

Forget past mistakes. Forget failures. Forget about everything except what you're going to do now - and do it. - William Durant

You don't have to control your thoughts; you just have to stop letting them control you.- Dan Millman

Fall seven times, stand up eight. - Japanese proverb

If one is a Greyhound, why try to look like a Pekingese? - Edith Sitwell

If you're going through hell, keep going. -Winston Churchill

Lots of love

Cille

Too complicated!!

It shouldn't be this hard to lose weight!
I mean when I look around on the street and there are tons of thin, lean, slender or skinny girls out there! How the F do they do it? What's the big secret?

Perhaps a healthy relationship with food? But honestly, come on, no woman on the planet has that!
What about some random miracle diet? Blaaaah!
I am seriously so sick of hunting down the new fabulous diet that everyone is on in Hollywood. It's all crap! Diet pills, diet drinks, detox diets, no carbs, no meat, no veggies, no nothing!
The only way to get the body you want is though pain and hard work -and we know it!
But am I the only one who think that sucks?

(Just some frustrating thoughts I had in my head, heh, sorry for sounding so negative.)


Anywho, I am hungry like a tiger but I just don't have the energy to eat, mentally I mean. It's just too darn complicated to eat now a days.

I think I'm goanna go with some fish on wholegrain bread and perhaps a smoothie a little later... Or not. Probably not.



Love
Cille

A question I ask myself over and over again

Why am I hungry?


When I don't wanna eat... I HATE EATING!! I freaking fucking hate it! I know that as humans we have to have something in the system, but why do I then choose to munch on crackers instead of apples? Why do I deliberately choose to eat the wrong thing?

I think I'm a food masochist...


Quick words about my day:
I woke up to the annoying sound of my boyfriend opening the blinds and the sunlight piercing my eyes! Very nice indeed yes.
And then I made breakfast. Eggs and bacon and one wholegrain bun -WITH NUTELLA (see what I mean by masochist?). I knew I couldn't purge 'cause Thomas was in the living room so I just felt how the food I just had consumed started to burn and decompose in my insides... Wow I feel so so so disgusted by myself even typing this...
Then my period kicked in! Ouch! I think my period pains can be measured to be a 7 out of 10 on the pain scale.
Great, puffy in pain and of course hungry I spend my day in front of my computer. Forcing to make time pass by watching Gossip Girl and Grey's Anatomy on Casttv.com...

Oh my god, to think you guys are actually interested in my boring boring life heh ;)

That was my day, I haven't been eating since morning but GOD HOW I WANT TO!! (I have the sickest crave for pasta/pesto right now)
My evening will go by with roasted pumpkin seeds, ice cold water, red cramps and my computer...
It's goanna be a looong night.
Thomas is at this fancy party -drinking his brains out- and I am unable to sleep alone (yes I am such a child). Sniff..
Poor me eh?


Here are some of my most valued pictures of people I imagine have a much simpler life <3







Love
Cille

German and pizza

Wow, so many loyal readers, so little in my life to write about.

I'm in school right now -in German class- hungry for food and drained for brain cells.
I feel sooo tired and like all the life is sucked out of me today.
That's properly a reaction to poor diet and slim breakfast…

I only had 1/4 of an omelette and some fruit with yoghurt this morning...
I just couldn't get anything else down –It all seemed so impossible to eat! Do I cook something? But I’m too hungry to cook! Do I have some bread? But I don’t feel like it?? So confusing when you don’t “sense” hunger the same way as normal people!

But one thing I always seem to have room for is eggs! I have this insanely weird crave for eggs at the moment. I eat them ALL THE FREAKING TIME! Boiled, scrambled, sunny side up, omelette, baked egg toast (SO good!!) and egg muffins. No wonder I put on weight so fast!

I was told to put on at least 10lbs by my dieatist when I was 120lbs -so I'm really struggling with that. I am at a good 140lbs now... Yes I gained some and yes it was impossible!! Not to gain weight, but to be okay with gaining. I’m still very emotional about my weigh, but I don’t break down and cry when I see one more pound on the scale.
It’s goanna be a long road to recovery, and it already feels like a fucking dessert hike, but I’m sure I will reach goal at some point!!

Tonight I’m making my gorgeous homemade pizza –it is to die for!! If you guys would like, I can post the pizza recipe (together with some other low cal/no cal meals). It’s so simple even I can make it to perfection. :)
I really look forward to a comfy night in. Just relaxing on the sofa and eating pizza with a clean conscience. Awesome possum!!

Jup, so I’ll go do that and you guys have a good one!!



Love Cille

Uh Mama!

I look great today!! I can see my body change from day to day! Tighter tights, slimmer arms and killer collarbones! I just need to keep working hard and I will look awesome in a bikini by summer! Wubii!

Eating lots of lean protein and working out 1 hour today!

Have a tremendous day girls <3

Love Cille

Tell me...

Wow, I don't know where to begin.
I'm doing "good" in therapy, but I don't know how long it will last. I eat, sleep, work out and sleep some more. My life is a blur.

I lost 3 pounds since last week -which I feel great about! I'm now at 130lbs (171cm tall). That's fine. I'm okay, 'Cause I can see I'm going in the right direction. I want to accept my body and move on with my life. No more ED -10 years is enough!! I just need to shed the last pounds and control my purging and then I think I'm goanna be just fine.

Eating the right thing is hard. My dietitian says I need to eat more fat to make my brain and mussels function properly, but I have NO intention to listen to that fat cow. If she’s overweight then how is she goanna provide diet advice for me?
She also says I have to eat more carbs and protein since I work out every day. I agree. If I want to build up my mussels I NEED protein.
I still binge, but not as much and as violently as before. I have about one binge per. week, and it isn't as big amounts. Maybe 1000-2000cal. The purging is also improving. I purge 2-4 times a day -not that bad comparing to 20-22times a day.
I work out every day for about an hour and a half. I run 3km and row 1 and then I do weights + crunches + strength. Some times I throw in a little cross trainer or stepping just to get real sweaty. Then I stretch for 15min and then I'm done.
So that's what I spend my time doing. Sleep, eat, work out and sleep some more. And of course I am in group therapy at The Milestone (ED treatment center). Yawn. I just finished my routine so I think I deserve a nap.

Have a wonderful Wednesday girls.


Love Cille

Push yourself!

So I know I'm not supposed to lose weight when I'm in recovery, but I just cant help it!

I'm going on the cabbage soup diet today and till Sunday, plus working out every day. I really want to lose the weight I have gained through the last couple of weeks. I'm at 135lbs at the moment and I really want to get down to 120/110 by the time March comes around.

Yesterday I joined the gym right across my building and I really pushed myself to the limit! It felt amazing! I ran 3km and rowed 1 and then did some weights. It was so so nice to feel how I use my muscles. I didn't eat all that much either. 3 slices of wholegrain bread with fish and chicken, 1/2 a club sandwich (light), 2 bananas, 1 bonbon and some red wine. I think that was okay, not perfect but no binged so I'm happy -for now.

Love Cille

Want or should?

Woaw I'm so tired now. My day has been quite hectic. I ran around town to buy some lamps for my appartment and I was in group therapi at the treatment centre. It was good. I've made some goals for my recovery and I can really see the end of the tunnel now!
I Feel enigized and I'm ready to stand up to my ED.

Tomorrow I'm goanna join a fitness center to get a little healthier and perhaps to flatten my tummy some, but NO ED schemes!!
Just to feel more comfortable in my body and to feel like I'm taking care of it. :)


Goatta go gals, but have a super day



Love Cille

Better late than never

Sorry I’ve been so absent lately darlings –new as old. It’s so fucking hard at the Milestone (ED recovery centre). I HATE it. I dread every Monday ‘cause then I have to step on the scale and face my weigh –which keeps going up at the moment!! Good god I wanna quit!

My depression is really dragging my days down. I have one crappy day after another. And I really don’t get it! I take my pills? I eat? I drink? Stupid thoughts, can’t you just leave me alone!?

I’m scheming against the treatment. I want to loose weight like never before! I just have to STOP telling myself it’s impossible and get on with it!!

Losing weigh and shaping up is easy. Everyone in the world can do it so why not you Cille? Are you really so different? No you aren’t!! It’s a piece of cake, or rather celery in this case. It’s fun and healthy to think about what you eat and do. If you slip, you can get rid of it. But you won’t. You won’t slip. Because you will be orgenised. You WILL BE! You are!!!
What it that? Too pricey to eat healthy and get a personal trainer?? Please is that the best excuse you can come up with? Just don’t buy those Topshop shoes you want next month!!! Isn’t worth it to have a great body? When you get thin you’re goanna look good in a garbage bag!
Are you hungry? Already? But we haven’t even started!! You baby! Think about all the starving people in Haiti?! Oh my god you disgust me… Drink some water you fat cow!
Don’t you wanna be a model? Drop down and give me 20! Where? In the bathroom of course! Thomas won’t get why you do it, he’ll laugh.

Sigh. I feel so conflicted. Can’t I loose weigh AND get rid of my ED? Of course I can! I’m NOT that fucked up!!


Well it’s been a while since I posted my weigh. I guess I’m embarrassed. Here goes nothing: 132lbs / 60kg my BMI is 19,6… AAARG!! I hate seeing it in print! I feel a tight little knot in my tummy just looking at it.

I guess I have to join the gym now. First thing to do when my paycheck comes in the door!!


Love

I'll do it tomorrow...

Arg fuck! I HATE myself sometimes!
No, ALWAYS!!!

I’m so fucking pathetic! AND such a hypocrite! I wine all day long about my shape but I don’t work out!! I bitch about my disgusting body, yet I eat cookies and candy like a fucking addict! I want my control back! OH MY GOD! Where the fuck did it go!??!?! It must have slipped away in the shadows of the night ‘cause I sure as hell didn’t loose it on purpose! Shit shit shit! It’s those doctors at the recovery center! THEY STOLE IT!

I need my control back! I must have control!! I give a shit about The Milestone or recovery! I just want to be thin!

Oh good god, if you exist, give me THIS joy… Just give me one less thing to worry about! PLEASE! Make me in control, make me strong, make me SKINNY!!!!

Uh, what an outburst! I think it came from this YouTube video I just saw… About a girl who recovered from an ed; she was SO FAT! She was all like: “Now I enjoy food (No, really!), I love myself (but you’re repulsing?!) and I have a better life -yadayada. Right. A better life? Like a fat happy cow about to get slaughtered?

Sorry you guys, I’m so cruel when I get pissed off at myself… And when people who are insanely fat try to convince me to become fat (or fatter, that is) too. Make sense?

Sigh.

Love

Things we already knew!

We all know the essential methods of losing weight by now, but I like to have them just to remind me what I can do better! Or just do...




*Before you start a particular workout regime, take a photo of yourself in a bikini. Do this on a weekly basis, as it helps in keeping a check of your waistline. (I find that EXTREAMLY helpful when I feel like I’m getting nowhere with my exacise)

*Hydrating your body is essential and helps you in avoiding certain intakes. Thirst is misunderstood, many a times for hunger. Adequate water and liquids in the diet helps in warding hunger and helps to eliminate wastes and toxins. (we all knew that one)

*Chew well and eat. Proper mastication prevents over eating, as the brain waits to hear the signals from the stomach. As the hunger pangs are removed, the brain receives a stop signal from the stomach. (no news there)

*A coffee or diet beverages help to postpone hunger.

*Supermodel diet tips comprise of tomatoes, apples, lettuce and diet coke. (Cool so does mine! Then why am I fat?)

*Green tea or plain tea helps in eliminating your hunger, in a temporary manner.

*Avoid deep fat frying. Baking, boiling, grilling, stewing, micro waving and pressure cooking are the best methods of cooking.

*A healthy breakfast is the right way to start your day. Skipping breakfast increases the pangs of hunger by the end of the day. (blahblah blah)

*Skinless poultry, fish and lean meat are recommended animal foods.

*Freshly cut fruits and vegetables are healthy snacks. (well daah)

*Saturated and Trans fats namely, margarine, butter, clarified butter are replaced by vegetable oils, such as olive, flaxseed, safflower and sunflower oil.

*Drinking lemon infused water is not only refreshing but is far healthier than calorie filled beverages. Other options include adding citrus fruits or a splash of juice in the water, drinking infused teas such as mango and peach tea that is loaded with flavor but with very few calories.

*Remember what you can add to your diet instead of what must be taken away. Firstly stay focused on getting the recommended five to six servings of fresh fruits and vegetables every day. This can help you in not only meeting your fiber goals but also help you feel more satisfied from the volume of fresh food that you consume.



And if you eat something naughty, you can just stick you fingers down you're throat and puke till you're thin...

(been there, done that)




Christ.

I'm grumpy today. I think it's 'cause I had cake yesterday and didn't do anything about it.



Bad girl!

Love