Better late than never

Sorry I’ve been so absent lately darlings –new as old. It’s so fucking hard at the Milestone (ED recovery centre). I HATE it. I dread every Monday ‘cause then I have to step on the scale and face my weigh –which keeps going up at the moment!! Good god I wanna quit!

My depression is really dragging my days down. I have one crappy day after another. And I really don’t get it! I take my pills? I eat? I drink? Stupid thoughts, can’t you just leave me alone!?

I’m scheming against the treatment. I want to loose weight like never before! I just have to STOP telling myself it’s impossible and get on with it!!

Losing weigh and shaping up is easy. Everyone in the world can do it so why not you Cille? Are you really so different? No you aren’t!! It’s a piece of cake, or rather celery in this case. It’s fun and healthy to think about what you eat and do. If you slip, you can get rid of it. But you won’t. You won’t slip. Because you will be orgenised. You WILL BE! You are!!!
What it that? Too pricey to eat healthy and get a personal trainer?? Please is that the best excuse you can come up with? Just don’t buy those Topshop shoes you want next month!!! Isn’t worth it to have a great body? When you get thin you’re goanna look good in a garbage bag!
Are you hungry? Already? But we haven’t even started!! You baby! Think about all the starving people in Haiti?! Oh my god you disgust me… Drink some water you fat cow!
Don’t you wanna be a model? Drop down and give me 20! Where? In the bathroom of course! Thomas won’t get why you do it, he’ll laugh.

Sigh. I feel so conflicted. Can’t I loose weigh AND get rid of my ED? Of course I can! I’m NOT that fucked up!!


Well it’s been a while since I posted my weigh. I guess I’m embarrassed. Here goes nothing: 132lbs / 60kg my BMI is 19,6… AAARG!! I hate seeing it in print! I feel a tight little knot in my tummy just looking at it.

I guess I have to join the gym now. First thing to do when my paycheck comes in the door!!


Love

Not my cup of tea

Spending Christmas in Bayern this year. With Thomas and his family...

And so far, not loving it.

There's no Christmas spirit in the house -AT ALL! Everybody is grumpy and stressed and could care less about this holiday.

… And I'm sitting here, alone, on Little Christmas eve.

Thomas is out spending the night with old friends and his parents -who ONLY speak Bavarian, so I only understand every second word they say- is watching TV in the living room. I feel alone.

Oh, and guess what, in this family they decided that on Christmas eve, they’d give the mom a night off!! THAT MAKES NO SENSE TO ME!!! So the boys and the dad, who doesn’t cook all year long, have to make a delicious dinner? No, no, no of course not. That would just be plain stupid, so instead they cook something they CAN. Steaks. With French fries.

AND THE PARENTS DOESN’T EVEN LIKE STEAKS!??!?! They are going to eat something completely different??? I thought Christmas was supposed to bring people closer, but in this family it seems to tear them apart.

Oh. My. God.

THEY are ruining Christmas!? No, demolishing!!!

So angry right now! Of course I could just have said “no thank you” to the trip… But I didn’t expect it to be so… Hard, to give up “my” Christmas.

Guess I just have to go with the flow….

Angry love

Just the feel of it!

So yesterday I hit rock bottom. And I hit it real hard girls. I broke a mirror and cut my thighs with the broken pieces. And I even carved a word (cause I’m that creative). LOST. On English even thought that’s kinda tacky when my native language is danish… It just felt right. Fitting. I'd think about slicing my wrists later, but then again… If I died? That would make matters worse for Thomas and my mom and dad would… Well, they’d properly be better of… But… Okay truth? I didn’t have the gut to end my own life. I just carved LOST and drank vodka till my mom’s boyfriend fetched me from my apartment –to drunk to take the bus. Thomas had called them and said I was acting weird on the phone…

All this wasn’t really a reaction to him having to stay longer in China. I kinda figured, since my dad had somewhat the same job, and therefore I knew it always takes longer than expected when you work in the east. I think what triggered it was frustration. Anger. Pain. I felt like I couldn’t take one more second in this world! I felt like a failure at everything -even living. Like if I was a better girlfriend he would have come home! Which is ridicules, I know… Or if I was better looking my mom would accept me and stop bitching about my school, cause then she would think “Oh well at least she got her looks.” Or if I was skinnier my family would recognize that I have a serious eating disorder instead of just ignoring the entire damn thing?!? I hate my family! I hate my school! I hate my boyfriend! Why do I have to love him so much? They all suck!

… No, they just aren’t perfect, I know. I’m just so sick and tired of it all. Is this what life is about? Live, breed kids and die? I mean is this it?! Sometimes I wish I could give my life to someone who would want it. A small happy kid somewhere who has deadly brain cancer… I would trade my shot at life so the kid could live. So it wasn’t wasted you know? Well life is life, and we all have to live it I guess…

By the way thanks for your support girls! You made me real happy when I read the comments! Nice to know that at least I can blog alright and that someone care<3

Love
Cille

KILL ME...

Kill me now. Just reach out for the closest item and stab me in the chest! A pencil, a ruler, a pair of scissors! JUST DO IT! I don’t deserve to live…

Sigh, yesterday was awful. I had done very well… All I’d consumed was NOTHING! Freaking fucking nada! And I felt good, physically, about it. No real pain or hurt, just emptiness. Until Thomas came home!! ARG!! I had planed that I would go to bed right away, or fall asleep under the movie before dinner, but I was unsuccessful. I made dinner with him (Homemade pizza, with veggies –no meat and just a little cheese) I could handle that. WRONG! I went completely overboard! Pizza, candy, chips, Pepsi Max (but still), and all of that made a wobbing 958Kcal!! Shit + fuck. And I KEPT THE SHIT IN, because of my boyfriend…

The night before he had lost it and had puked his gut out while he screamed “I just wanna see how it is for you sweetheart!! UH, LOOK AT ME I’M LOOSING WEIGHT!!” Fuck him, I haven’t forgiven him for that yet… Properly never will.

Anyhow, I kept my “binge” down so he wouldn’t yell. I understand just how frustrating all this must be for him, I really do, but he is pushing me over the edge! Everyday it’s like; “eat that, do this, be strait with me, how many times did you though up today!” IT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS HONEY! I mean I am sick, but I’m not brain-dead. I WANT to get better! I just need to get use to the idea. Patience.

Well, maybe I need his help a tiny bit, but I would wish he’d back off a little… And I don't wanna be straight with him, because when I am he turns into a control-freak. The bad guy, and I want him to be min prince not the dragon...

Love you all

Cille

Behinde closed doors. . .

Well, I am going to tell you how I do things. And NOT because I want to be some kind of thinspo to you guys or anything in that way -but simply because I (personally) "like" to read about how other bulimics do it. It's some kind of proff that I am not going completly mental and that Im not alone with this problem.

My rotine starts with eating. I ate dinner today, rost beef with potatos and sauce.. A BIG nono in my book (at least if I decided that I wasn't going to eat that day). After I had INHAILED my food I tried really hard to keep it down, for the sake of my family, but I failed. Horrorbly. I went to the bathroom. Locked the door. Turned the water on in the shower. Took off my dress so I wouldn't get it dirty and pulled my hair back. I stood leaned over the toilet and puked for about 15minuts or so, and gosh... That hurt! I waited WAY to long with getting rid of it all, so the acid burned all the way. AW! Fucking shit...

I was done, unnoticed and I felt my heart racing in my chest. Nicest feeling all day...

I didn't get it all, but at least 2/3 I suppose.

Gez, I have no idea how to stop! I physically felt sick when I was done eating!! I just couldn't stand the thought of keeping it in.

Sorry guys, I hope you NEVER have to feel like this, and if you already do... Get help. God, I am such a hipocrite (spelled?)!

Love Cille

P.s. spelling control is down, sorry ;)

P.p.s. Thanks for all your comment!! I adore when you guys post a little something for me to read :) :)

You make my day :)

Treatment

Now, I know that different people follow/read my blog for different reasons. I know a few Pro-ANA’s are frequently clicking on to my blog for thinspiration and tips. And I know that sometimes I make the blog come off a little pro-ED. Sorry.

I am really sorry for twisting this blog from loosing weight (healthy) to loosing your mind.

I have been diagnosed with bulimia by my therapist and my doctor and I am now seeking treatment on a home called The Milestone (Stolpegaarden on danish).

I am not underweight and I am not thin. I haven’t reached my “goal”, but despite that I do have an eating disorder that needs treatment…

Sigh… I am really scared of going there, but I know my family is standing by me and supporting me -Even though it was REALLY hard for them to understand that this was never really about eating.

Okay… I guess what I am trying to say (without sounding too cliché) is that I am goanna turn the blog around and make it be about my fight with bulimia, instead of my love to bulimia.

Wish me luck!!

XOXO Cille

*stay strong - DO NOT starve on...*

What do you think?

I feel like, when I look at my blog, that something is missing. My language is a little childish, the layout is somehow dull and the posts are shallow and flat out boring!

Do you find it boring too? And if so, what can I do to make this blog better and more appealing?

Love Cille

A girl's willpower is defined by the size of her waist

Indeed it is.
Today I am stu-dying to my oral exam on the 9th. It’s really exhausting to study and dealing with a bitchy ED at the same time. But the “good” thing is that I am all alone, so I can do what ever I want without causing a scene. Normally I don’t go all bulimic when somebody is around. I would hate if someone heard me through up in the bathroom. I mean, it’s gross! But since I live with my boyfriend it’s really hard to eat around him, knowing I can’t cleanse myself afterwards…

Just last night we had Mexican food (Which is my primary binging food) and suddenly I couldn’t touch the danm thing in front of me! I was literally paralyzed! And then T said: “Babe what’s wrong? Are you worried about the calories?” In my head my response was “HELL YEARH YOU IDIOT! I HAVE AN EATING DESORDER!!” But of cause I didn’t say anything. I just starred at the food and I saw it go cold. I saw all the grease and fat swimming in that taco and I was seriously about to vomit.


I ran across the kitchen and out to the bathroom. I tied my hair up and opened the gates for, what I assume only could be stomach acid. It burned all the way up and when it was done I could feel how my heart raced in my chest.

Afterwards I stayed at the bathroom, crying my eyes out, for about an hour. T was standing outside the bathroom the entire time, trying to comfort me trough the door. I got up and went to the kitchen again. I tried to eat a piece of cucumber but while I did it I couldn’t stop crying. Tears were soundlessly running down my face while I finished the taco.

That was really the first time I felt so twisted about food (and let it out in front of someone.) I wonder if I am still doing this to loose weight or if I am punishing myself for never being good enough. Hmm… And do I ever really want to recover? Those are the questions I deal with together with my studies and my hunger pains.

Life is cruel.