Not my cup of tea

Spending Christmas in Bayern this year. With Thomas and his family...

And so far, not loving it.

There's no Christmas spirit in the house -AT ALL! Everybody is grumpy and stressed and could care less about this holiday.

… And I'm sitting here, alone, on Little Christmas eve.

Thomas is out spending the night with old friends and his parents -who ONLY speak Bavarian, so I only understand every second word they say- is watching TV in the living room. I feel alone.

Oh, and guess what, in this family they decided that on Christmas eve, they’d give the mom a night off!! THAT MAKES NO SENSE TO ME!!! So the boys and the dad, who doesn’t cook all year long, have to make a delicious dinner? No, no, no of course not. That would just be plain stupid, so instead they cook something they CAN. Steaks. With French fries.

AND THE PARENTS DOESN’T EVEN LIKE STEAKS!??!?! They are going to eat something completely different??? I thought Christmas was supposed to bring people closer, but in this family it seems to tear them apart.

Oh. My. God.

THEY are ruining Christmas!? No, demolishing!!!

So angry right now! Of course I could just have said “no thank you” to the trip… But I didn’t expect it to be so… Hard, to give up “my” Christmas.

Guess I just have to go with the flow….

Angry love

Got me a brand new attitude

First of all, I would like to apologize for my blogger neglect!! Sigh, I guess I have been so absent lately ‘cause my ED has fated a little in to the background. Or maybe I just accepted it fully? I don’t know my darlings...
I don’t really have bulimic tendencies at the moment -I just don’t eat?

So Thomas came home. And as you know we had a bit of a rocky welcome. He said some things and I got hurt and the other way around, but now everything is close to fine. He doesn’t really trust me when I go out and he is so jealous! It’s getting on my last nerve!! Yes, I like to flirt but I know the limitations!? Well, he is properly goanna read this (even though I asked him to stay away from my blog! Well I kinda get it... he’s just curious –but still...) so I better watch my mouth... Anyway, we both have to work on our relationship. He has to trust me, and I just got to grow up! I have to take responsibility for my actions –which sucks- and do the laundry once in a while. Then I guess we’ll be fine. Of course I also have to work on my ED recovery and the depression AND the self injury thing! Heh, I guess I better get to work then?

I don’t really obsess over my diet and weight anymore. I still don’t like what I see in the mirror, but I don’t obsess over it like I did for like 6 months ago. I guess that’s a relief. My weight right now is 124.7 (125) so it’s not that bad. I would like to loose... Well... Honestly? It all! (I know it’s unrealistic) Sometimes I only put one foot on the scale and push it a little down just to see how it would feel to weigh a little less. Heh. Stupid? Maybe, but it gives me some kind of pleasure to see 100lbs on the scale...
As you guys can hear, I still think ALOT about weight and how I look –so I’m not completely hole an’ healed but I’m getting there.

Yup. So that’s the scoop.

Tell me how you guys have been doing lately?

Love

Money, money. . .

So yesterday was the first. That means I get 4800kr on my account from the Study Fund Of DK. That’s like 500 dollars I guess. After all my rent is paid I have like 400 dollars left for “fun” and food. Yesterday I spend 500kr (60/70 bucks?) on diet pills! I bought tree kinds of diet supplements. Not really diet pills ‘cause in DK we have a law; that you can’t buy “diet” pills unless your BMI is over 25/28. That’s CRAP!

And I hate to order from the internet, you never know what you are goanna get! And if it works! So, I bought supplements… Lots… One for muscle binding, one for metabolism, and one for fat reducing/vitamins. I know it’s not magic pills, and they alone won’t help me that much.

So I’m picking up ma pace! Exercise 4 times a week, minimum 30 minutes per. Workout.

Diet = max. 600Cals a day. I’m going on the protein-shake diet. That’s two to tree protein shakes (NUPO), and one high protein meal per day. I can make that work.

Today I’m having salmon with celery salad, and tree strawberry shakes! Kinda excited!
What could be the downside?? Well, I’ll tell yer. Thomas. He is very much against my weight loss, and I understand why. I’m bulimic and obsessed with dieting, but I just think if I could loose just a little more weight I would be extremely happy!! Tone that stomach and shape up those legs, and I would be the happiest girl in the freaking world!! He sais that; when I loose all that weight I want, I’m only goanna want to loose more… Maybe that true, but what wrong with looking good?

I know, I know… You are eating disordered and you can’t think straight. But… I jut want to loose 20 more lbs… So anyhow, I have to “hide” my obsessing from Thomas, so he won’t try to stop me. That pretty hard when we live together, but I have a plan! I’ll eat that high protein meal with him at dinner time ;)

God, I’m so sneaky… ED has made me sneaky. And poor. And crazy!

Love you all!

And thanks for following my absurd-ness <3

KILL ME...

Kill me now. Just reach out for the closest item and stab me in the chest! A pencil, a ruler, a pair of scissors! JUST DO IT! I don’t deserve to live…

Sigh, yesterday was awful. I had done very well… All I’d consumed was NOTHING! Freaking fucking nada! And I felt good, physically, about it. No real pain or hurt, just emptiness. Until Thomas came home!! ARG!! I had planed that I would go to bed right away, or fall asleep under the movie before dinner, but I was unsuccessful. I made dinner with him (Homemade pizza, with veggies –no meat and just a little cheese) I could handle that. WRONG! I went completely overboard! Pizza, candy, chips, Pepsi Max (but still), and all of that made a wobbing 958Kcal!! Shit + fuck. And I KEPT THE SHIT IN, because of my boyfriend…

The night before he had lost it and had puked his gut out while he screamed “I just wanna see how it is for you sweetheart!! UH, LOOK AT ME I’M LOOSING WEIGHT!!” Fuck him, I haven’t forgiven him for that yet… Properly never will.

Anyhow, I kept my “binge” down so he wouldn’t yell. I understand just how frustrating all this must be for him, I really do, but he is pushing me over the edge! Everyday it’s like; “eat that, do this, be strait with me, how many times did you though up today!” IT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS HONEY! I mean I am sick, but I’m not brain-dead. I WANT to get better! I just need to get use to the idea. Patience.

Well, maybe I need his help a tiny bit, but I would wish he’d back off a little… And I don't wanna be straight with him, because when I am he turns into a control-freak. The bad guy, and I want him to be min prince not the dragon...

Love you all

Cille