torsdag den 9. december 2010

X-mas



It's that time a year again, and we all know what this means.

Fatty artery clotting food unmistakeably involving; creamy thick sauce, dry sponge cake, mountains of powder sugar, veggies fried up in syrupy syrup and of cause the cold weather. Brr.

Lucky I have been raised to hate Christmas food and everything about this deadly tradition that is "The Feast". And for that I can't help but to love my mom even more! It's not like she slapped my fingers as I would take a second slice of the glazed pork -she just doesn't like the Danish Christmas food, and as a five year old I would mimic her. I still do in many ways.
Ergo, I'm never that worried about having to sit at a table for hours on end with fat on my plate. What really worries me is the chocolate, cake, nougat, rice pudding, cherry sauce, honey roasted nuts, AND alcohol! I have a soft spot for all those things and Christmas is the time where I have to say no three time as much.

So far it's December the 9th and I haven't gained any weight. I want to keep it that way, and I want to loose weight in January where I'm starting school again.

I can't help but to feel that the constant "no"ing is somehow empowering. I like not eating. Not so much the hunger, but the "I don't feel hungry, so I don't eat" feel. I don't have to think so hard about the consistences of what I eat if I don't eat! Eureka!
Of course I put something in my mouth sometimes, like this morning, a banana. And sometimes I eat something the old me would have purged, like yesterday, rice pudding and (heavenly) cheese cubes with figs.
Admitted, I was thinking about purging it, but the whole sticking my fingers down my throat seems a little... Overrated. I don't... Feel the need to do that so much any more. Of course when Thomas had taken a surprise video of me reading and I saw how unbelievably fat I looked, I was annoyed that I didn't purge those treacherous cheese cubes. But as I turned over and laid in the nudge of Thompson's arm I forgot all about the purging and more about how I could justify my action. I hadn't had more that two pieces of toast, a latte and a small portion of salmon salad the entire day. Justified.
I still feel guilty that I can't seem to wheel myself in the times of family
cosiness, but... I guess I'm human to the bone when it comes to watching a film with my mom, stepdad and little sister (she's two = extremely cute).




Love Cille
Merry Christmas (even though it's a horrid food season)

onsdag den 17. november 2010

Three months




Has it really been tree months since I last posted something about my life?
I guess there hasn't been anything to post. It's so boring being ordenarry. Being sane. Fat.

I got boothed from my job because of cut downs and now I'm unimploied again. BORING!
I'm starting school in January. Single classes to finish my exsam. Yawn.
And, wait for it, I'm super FAT!

I've been in a meditative state theese last months. Not thinking about what I put in my mouth. When to sleep or what to do. Everything has just kinda happened, you know? By it self, and without me knowing, life is just drifting by.

I'm turning 20 in January... Geez I was just getting used to telling people I was 19 and that we are in the 2010!
Soon I'll be 20 and the year'll be 2011...

My life is passing and I do not want to spend my youth on being fat! I can get fat when I'm old and about to die anyway. But not now. Not now when my boobs are still in the upper body area and I'm wrinkle-free.

But I can't do this on my own. I'm too weak alone. I think I need my bulimia to be my trumph. To save me when I screw up -which I will at some point, because... Everybody does... But with a bulimia it's not all or nothing. With that I can have my cake and eat it too -quite litterally.
I feel really disgusted with myself that I'm so greedy!!


Love Cille

onsdag den 15. september 2010

coffee and jeans

Good evening lovelies


So I slipped on the 'no-coffee-from the coffee shop' today, but the rest of my plan sticks. To make up for the (awesome) cup of iced-coffee I skipped the yoghurt and lunch. I still think the yoghurt+lunch would have left me with fever calories and a healthier gut flora, but... I'm human, as little as I would like to admit to that, and I sometimes give in to temptation... Ah, life would be so much easier if I would remember to use my brain when I'm hungry and tired.

Today has been a tough working day. I ran up and down the stairs, carrying a shit load of jeans, to tag and untag clothes for a small sale we're having at the store. I felt like I could've fainted, but with every step I thought: exercise if healthy, I need exercise, if it hurts it means that I'm loosing weight! Just one more step! And don't you dare to sit down, you lard-ass!

Tomorrow is my day off, thank havens, and I'm planning on meeting up with a good friend and having a cup of coffee downtown. I'm goanna take your advise, ~Nessa~ , and have a skim milk ice latte -no syrup -no sugar to compensate for my addictive ice-blend. I would love to have a morning run but my gym shoes are at my other apartment because I forgot to get them today. ARG I hate living two places!

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Lovely love
Cille

tirsdag den 14. september 2010

Better late than never

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Ever since I got this job as a store assistant, I've been so famished and exhausted that the second I get off, I'm running (in my new super cute kitten heel LV inspired shoes) to the nearest coffee shop to get a huge caffeine packed Ice latte/smootie. They are so good, with an after-taste of caramel and espresso, that I can literally feel energy flowing through me just after one drag.
BUT, they are unhealthy, fattening and, not to be forgotten, expensive (like 6 bucks!)

So, as you know I'm all about thinking forward, and I am 99% sure that if I eat during my non-existent break and plan what I'm goanna eat when, I can avoid the THREE coffee shops on my 5 minutes bus ride home.

Here's the plan for the next week I wrote in my calender:

Wednesday 15/09:
Morning - 1 blueberry smoothie
Snack - 1 cup of yoghurt
Lunch - 1 piece of toasted dark wholegrain bread + a salad
Dinner - tomato/onion salad + 1 slice of veggi lasagne
Exercise - 1hour pilates

Thursday 16/09:
Morning - coffee/green tea + 1 egg + 1 piece of dark wholegrain bread
Snack - an apple
Lunch - Chicken salad
Dinner - half og whats served
Exercise - 50 sit-ups, 20 push'ups, 50 ball squats (I take a pilates ball up between a wall and my back and then squat) + a morning run (min 2km-max 5km)

Friday 17/09:
Morning - 1 apple 1 ricecake with light spread cheese + soya milk
Snack - carrots
Lunch - soup + bread
Dinner - don't know yet for sure, but properly steak and baked potato (Thomas might be coming home!)
Exercise - resting day, but 20 push-ups didn't kill nobody.

Saturday 18/09:
Morning - egg-white omelet with broccoli + 1 apple
Snack - cucumber sticks
Lunch - soup
Dinner - ? Depends on if I eat at my mom's, in that case -always only half of what's served
Exercise - 1 hour fitness centre

Sunday 19/09:
Morning - 1 cup of yoghurt + a smoothie
Snack - 12 pieces of fruit
Lunch - a dark wholegrain sandwich w. tuna
Dinner - donno
Exercise - 45 minutes yoga

Monday 20/09:
Morning - oatmeal with milk and raisins
Snack - 3 carrots
Lunch - seafood wholegrain pastasalad
Dinner - donno
Exercise - 1 hour pilates


That's it. I don't know if you guys can use my plan to anything at all, but at least I think I can.
Tomorrow awaits another rough no-break day at the shop.


Sleep tight and don't let the bedbugs bite
love
Cille

mandag den 13. september 2010

01:00

I hate this.
Waiting for something to trigger me to become somebody else is beyond boresome, not to mention devastating.

I want to do and be more but I keep waiting for a sign to take action.

I loath myself so much when I'm alone, it's hard even to do the dishes. I hate myself. This body, personality and mind seems so out of place in the world I sometimes forget how to walk properly when going to the store. I live on the outside of my life. Spending endless hours reading about imaginary worlds and burdening myself with imaginary emotions. Reading the same pages again and again to pickle the moment in a little jar in my head. I feel wrong. I am wrong. Fake. Lifeless. Misplaced. Odd. Awkward. F.A.T.
I know that if I was skinnier, people would think my insanity to be a little more cute and a little less appalling.

Thomas has been in Saudi Arabia (his a businessman) for over a month. He calls me every night and says that he misses me and that he loves me, I repeat his words in my high pinched voice spattered with something close to remorse, and then hang up.
I hate myself so much less when his close to me.

Maybe that's why I'm being so fucked up at the moment. Thomas always tone down my crazy... Just a notch. God how I wish he was here to pet my hair and kiss me... I don't really remember how it feels to be kissed? Can that be right? Does the sensation go away this quickly?
Then I'm screwed if he dies...
I'm pretty sure I would die too...









Confused and tired love
Cille

søndag den 12. september 2010





I wish I was tiny.



The conscious camillion

Do you ever feel restlessly numb?
Like your soul's been shot up on a mix between horse tranquilliser and speed.
Or is that just me?

It's like this; I want to feel something so bad that I'm pushing myself through emotions that aren't even real!
Last night I watched P.s. I love you -which is a pretty emotional movie, and I put myself so much in the place of the protagonist that I cried 30 minutes after the credits had rolled! I wandered around the apartment, sobbing and didn't sleep until around half past three in the morning because I felt my "beautiful Irish husband had died"...
And this tendency to overly react to unreal situations is really becoming my (quite unwanted) trademark. I've done this since... Forever, I guess, when I think about it.

I think I was about 6 the first time it happened. I was mindlessly scanning the telly for Cartoon Network to see what time it was (I estimated my time through cartoons -power puff girls = early morning, Tom and Jerry = late afternoon, Dexter = dinnertime) when I hit an old TCN war movie that caught my eye.
It was two soldiers in the middle of the icy woods of (I suppose) Russia. It was dead quiet and snowing in this scene and one of the soldier's legs were missing. His comrade hugged his upper body while the legless guy screamed in pain. In that moment I could feel how the ice and snow was gnawing into the leftover stumps of thigh. I could feel the despair of being all alone and helpless in the cold. And, it felt like I was going to fall apart.
Tears came streaming down my face like never before and I cried out all the emotions that had so suddenly washed over me.

Wow, such an odd memory... And I remember every detail about it. The smell, the bad reception, my sweet Mom striding across the living room with confused eyes.

Hmm...
If I ever write a self-biography (a reflection of Cecilie Pedersen -a spiteful and spacey bulimic) that memory will evidently take up a chapter.

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Love

lørdag den 11. september 2010

Devils dancefloor

Aaah, so good evening lovelies.


Having a nice weekend so far? Mine has been exhausting!

I got a job at NEXT (thanks for your support) as a shop assistant, so that's good. I don't get paid in diamonds, if you know what I mean, but it should do for rent and the basics. The job itself is really good for my social persona and to burn calories. I meet new people every day when I'm working the sales floor AND I have to stand up in 5 hours straight (no breaks if you work under 5 hours per day)! That part is actually a lot harder than you'd think. I worked on Friday and then again today and my legs/back/feet haven't been this torn up since my London shopping trip. Boy... It burns, when you're just a regular "Joe" like me, to stand that long in flats.

The boss is really nice and so are my co-workers, but they are all, (seriously) size xsmall. Short and petite. I feel like giant fat Viking next to those girls! I'm tall-ish and big framed with crazy big blond hair. I hate it when I don't blend in because of my size.
So to solve this -properly delusional- problem, I've decided that the expression: "I am hungry" those exact words in that exact order will NEVER leave my mouth again when in the presence of others. I find them weak and they always leave a bad taste in my mouth so now, I shall never utter them again.

And to answer you question, yes, I have gone completely and entirely mad. Heh.

Type to you later loves.
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Love Cille

mandag den 30. august 2010

Ground zero

Haw'ye do everybody!

I sure am two fries short of a happy meal today!
Why? I'll tell you why!
I lost my two vacation pounds!! Woohoo! Go me *doing the happy dance*!
Back at ... pounds! Now there's only 50lbs to go. Still a LOT but at least I quit gaining!

Super duper then. My plan today was ultimately "don't eat", but we all know that usually ends in vomit and tears. Instead I'll try to stay below 500-1000cals today and then harvest the effect tomorrow.
I haven't eaten breakfast yet, only flushed one cup of coffee down at nine, so I guess I should eat something... But what? That's the question. I think I'll go with a brunch solution. Egg-white omelet on toasted dark wholegrain bread and fried tomatoes. No butter. No oil (my parents have this awesome pan -no grease needed).

Exercise? No problem I have to run all over town in heels today (job interviews) so I think I got it covered.

Wish me luck on diet and job lovelies!

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Love Cille

onsdag den 25. august 2010

Cherry on top

Hello lovelies!


Gosh, I'm so tired! Went to the gym yesterday -which wore me totally out- and again today. My arms, shoulders, butt and inner thighs are hurting like hell right now, but least it's the good kind of pain. I'll take the pain over the fat any day -and you know it!
My routine yesterday was intense and today I slacked it a little. 1km run (yeah yeah not nearly good enough but it gets my blood flowing just fine) then weights for 45 minutes. Finishing with pilates/yoga stretch and exercise.

Eating has been good... ish. I would wish I hadn't eaten some stuff but all in all I've made the better choice. The only slip I had was just now. I binged on 1 and a half piece of leftover pastry, but it's already out of my system. No worries.

I haven't weighed myself since the day after my return to Dk and at that point it was... High... Lets just say that. I gained a kg on Malta and it's killing me! It's so fucked up that I can't lose weight! I'm doing everything by the book! Or... Okay not everything, but I'm trying the best I can.

The next thing on my list is; late lunch, I always tend to push lunch close to dinner when I'm at my moms, so that I don't pig out on whatever (FAT) that might be served by my mom's boyfriend (better safe than sorry).
I'm starving right now, since I've only had a cup of coffee and a boiled egg today. Mmmmh, I can almost hear the salad I made this morning calling to me.
Okay gross, my mouth is watering!


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(Brigitte Bardot -so gorgeous)

Hungry love
Cille

søndag den 22. august 2010

Back -also from Malta

Good evening everybody!


I am so SO sorry that I have been away for that long and eternally grateful that you all just kept on following. That's just wonderful!
The reason I've been gone is not that complicated.
Food has been too depressing to blog about, so therefore no blogging.

I'm fat and gaining and I have been lying to everybody (including myself) that it was okay, that I was okay. Somehow I really felt I was, okay, that is. I felt that I didn't care about weight and that I loved my "curves", but along came summer. A hot HOT summer, that required a very light dress code. Lose, lose, lose, situation: I'm fat in a bikini. Other girls are sexy in a bikini, and those who aren't -are fat, floppy and pale and I look just like them.
EVERYTHING is triggering and it's quite depressing. Ah about that I have taken myself off the anti depressing pills and that's really great! I'm officially NOT depressed any more, and that's a relief! Depression is such a buzz kill.

I just spend a week on the island Malta. It was a family vacation without Thomas (because he's in Quatar for business) and therefore not a pure rush of action. But then again vacations aren't meant to be that I guess..



It was so hot on Malta, and our room was without aircon. I was melting, and by the end of the week I was just a puddle on the floor. Or, I would have been, if it wasn't for the pool. The feel of being in icy water in the midday sun (37C in DK terms) is indescribable. Pure bliss.
The only problem is the walk of shame from the shaded lounger to the poolside. God I hate it, more than I hate when I can't find the calorie description. Fortunately the resort we stayed on was a family place so there weren't too many skinny girls with beady loathing eyes. Some, of course, but not a lot. The beach was worse, and we only went once.

The food was horrible! Fried, fried, fried! Lots of white bread, fat and bad service! Malta's kitchen sucks but at least that made me eat less.
I b&p'ed once on fluffy taffy (DO NOT DO THAT! HURTS LIKE HELL) and ice tea. My throat was on fire the rest of the holiday. The rest of the time I just purged. Ice cream and stuff are hard to avoid, easy to dispose.
I ate 3 meals a day, sometimes just 2, and they mostly consisted of:
  • Breakfast - fruit + wholegrain bread with a little jam or turkey + coffee
  • Lunch - salad or sandwich
  • Dinner - fish, salad or meat with potato (boiled/fried)
And snacks: unsweetened ice tea/coffee/fruit/diet coke/ginger cookies from Nairns (48cals per biscuit) or nuts. And I drank in average 4L of water everyday.
To get enough exercise was tricky because of the life-threatening heat, but I found the pool to be a somewhat acceptable solution. I guess I spend 20% of my day, every day, in water.

All in all a nice vacation with my mom, her fiancée and my baby sister. AND I maintained (or perhaps even jump started) my perfect 'skinny mission' routine. I missed you, welcome back.

So that's that lovelies! take care and type to you later
If you have any questions, just ask


Love Cille

torsdag den 17. juni 2010

Sun and grass

Good morning girls.

So thanks for your great advice on the last post, I would love if you had some more!
But both the raw food diet and the lemonade diet is really hard to maintain with Thomas in the house. He would immediately be on my case about how I'm having a setback in recovery (which he would be right about...) and force me back in group. And, and, and, I haven't quite built up the discipline to go on a liquid diet yet.

Yesterdays food was a mess:
10.30 = Yoghurt (100g)
12.00 = piece of bred w salmon
15.30 = Bun w light cheese
19.00 = Pasta (in cream sours)
20.00 = Cherries strawberries + 2 mini muffins
- No purge 'cause of Thomas

It's a bit sad looking at it now... Not thaaat much food but a lot of crappy calories... Damn.

Today I started with 200g of yoghurt (160cal + 2,6g fat) and a cigarette (+1L of water).
So started good!! Weeh! For once!!!
I'm going to my mom's later and I guess we're going shopping. Looking forward to it!

Bring on the DIET TIPS girls!!! I adore them all!




Love Cille

tirsdag den 15. juni 2010


Good morning people


I have a ton of things to do today and no idea how I'm goanna do them all!
But First and for most, I would like to welcome all the new followers who has joined the page the past months! Hello! And apologize for my crappy mood (which properly has reflected in my posts) and the lack of posts in general! Sorry!

I have been joggling some thoughts on how I can lose all my floppy tummy/thigh fat in time of Roskilde Festival (tree weeks tops) without driving myself insane!
I have to eat and I have to have time for life. Those are my
only criterias.
Does it make me sound like I'm not
dedicated to loosing weight, or is it just me? I mean everybody is asking the question "how do I loose weight?" and the answer is pretty simple -don't eat... But I CAN'T not eat for tree weeks, it would make me loose my mind! And besides I would die of binging.

I'm planning to make a beautiful mix of diet, diet pills and exercise. (Please dear god I can keep this from Thomas until I'm done!!)

Diet: ?
Pills: ? (Lipo Femme,
Anoretix -yes it's really called that, Phentermine, Therma power, Xenical, Acomplia and/or Reductil) These are just some of the pills I have been researching.
Supplements: Bio C.L.A. + T, Weighlevel
Exercise: 4x7 days


My question to you guys is now:
What diet have worked best for you?
And/or have you
experience with diet pill and which was the best?
Do you know any of the pills I have listed? DO they work?





Lots of love
Cille



lørdag den 12. juni 2010

...

It is Saturday today.

I feel like shit.
My apartment look like a war zone. I got my period (even though it isn't time yet). My legs are unbelievably fat. I have nothing to wear. I smell like puke. My hair is rotten and keeps falling out! Yesterday I failed my exam. I gained 2kg. I ate cake. I considered suicide two days ago.
I DISGUST MYSELF
. My mum and Thomas keeps asking if I took my pills. My head hurts.


And right now I'm hungry and have no fucking idea what to eat -cause' I'm fat.


Today SUCKS!!! I FUCKING HATE TODAY!
I feel like banging my head against the wall till my skull cracks open so all the thoughts can get out!



Knows those days?



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All the love I have
Cille

onsdag den 9. juni 2010

The smell of sunshine

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I want some sun!!




Love Cille

tirsdag den 8. juni 2010

Dark side

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Here the other night the (normally quiet) poet in me felt like taking over for a while, so I filled page after page about how it fells to be in my shoes and how I would love to kick those clogs off!

I'll admit the poems themselves doesn't make that much sense if you don't live in my head, but then who else is goanna read them except me?
I'm defently NOT posting them here -it would be to cruel to expose you guys to THAT. Heh. But it felt really wonderful to just get it down on paper -I recommend it.

So... Today I didn't weigh myself but I "felt" light this morning so I didn't want destroy that feel-good-feeling with a number. Not today.

Thomas is in Japan this week, lucky bastard -although it's work I still envy him. He promised to bring some healthy dried fish back to me, which sounds really nasty, but I LOVE strange food -especially fish, and some other odd stuff! Japan is sooo weird! I LOVE IT! Cosplay, umbrella hats, raw seafood BRING IT ON! Hmph... Lucky him.

In the meanwhile I'm studying (read: should be studying) for my oral German exam. It's on Friday and I'm am nowhere ready for facing such a challenge at this point. I feel so... Empty in life right now. A little suicidal, but aren't we all at some point in life, and a little depressed. But I'll be fine. I just don't know how the hell I'm goanna get though those shitty exams!! Damn.
Any suggestions?





Lots of love Cille

lørdag den 5. juni 2010

I love this picture

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It's a wild world

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My week has been goodish. The finals really suck though. I feel like it went okay with the stuff I had to put down on paper but I have no clue how well it actually went...

The stress is completely tearing me apart. All the tests and talk about the future is really spinning my head. Can't people just live in the now??
I had a minor "breakdown" that lasted two-tree days last week. I think I need to go to the doctor and get his opinion on the doses of anti depressives I'm taking at the moment. I blame the BD on them. That's a little easier then analysing myself.

The food has been good. I have been controlling but not totally obsessive, which was my ultimate goal! Unfortunately I don't think it's goanna last - I can actually already feel myself getting more and more aware of the difficulty that comes with thinking about food. And dreaming about it.
I just tend to not eat because it's too complicated and too hard with all that's going on at the moment! I have to stay in control all the time and that's exhausting -which I'm pretty sure you all recognize.
Everything is an Everest I have to climb. Even taking a thorough bath and doing something to my hair is too much (don't worry I finally got myself to take a bath after a week -yes ew)! Even putting on clothes! I must really look like a hobo at the moment -it's a surprise Thomas haven't left me yet... I'm smelly, fat, ugly and really just a humongous wet blanket.

I weighed in at 69.3kg today. Got a "fake bake" (hate the sun - the only colour it adds to me, is red) and stayed in front of the computer all day. Boooring. My mum has more fun than me!
It was beautiful weather today! Not a cloud in sight, and that rare in Denmark. Thomas went sailing, my mum and Jesper and my baby sis went to Christiania, my dad and his gang went to the park, and me? I stayed at home nursing my misery and watching Tomb Raider...

At least my mood has begun to improve. I don't cry all the freaking time. I don't space out while thinking about how or if I should take my own life and last but not least I can now laugh when my boyfriend tickles my instead of dissolve in angry tears.... Yay me...

I'm really worried about my summer. The endless expectations of party, festival and happy days is getting on my nerves. I can't really explain why I feel so annoyed that everyone just want to hang out with me, but I think it's the disorder that's trying to get me all for itself, and I admit, it is hard to fight against it.
The question weather I should go on the Roskilde Festival with all my fellow graduations is seriously twisting my arm. I know if I don't go I'll properly regret it, but if I go I'm trapped with a bunch of happy people that don't know me to the core (not to mention beer and junkfood) -and that scares the hell out of me... I guess I just have to make a pro and con list.






Love Cille

søndag den 30. maj 2010

Ronja Røverdatter


Well good evening my birdies!

I just finished my book, Robber's Daughter (posts title on Danish) by Astrid Lindgren, and I have this melancholic feeling in my chest... It was a wonderful book filled with laughter and I LOVE that book (4. time I read it) but now it over (again)...

Don't you know that feeling? Whenever you finish a good book or film you get "aaaah it's finished" feeling but at the same time "AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED!?".
I guess I have that sad mixture of endings -in general- swirling around in my body so sorry if this post is a bit well... Melancholic.

I had pilates at 10 o'clock (as always these Sundays) and I ate breakfast -fruit, and then started to hit the books... Or my intention was to start hitting the book after I had devoured my peach/banana/watermelon bowl, but if you know me at all you would also know that I NEVER do what I'm supposed to when it comes to school.
So I powered up the computer before giving the book and my exam another thought.
Stupid me.

Buuut you goatta do what you goatta do. I guess. No changing that now ( don't you just hate when people point out something so obvious as "you can't go back in time!")
I HATE MYSELF FOR THAT!!!
Lazy, fat, ugly and stupid me! God...

Okay boring post.

Wish me luck tomorrow (read: cross your fingers I won't flunk)







Lots of love Cille

fredag den 28. maj 2010

I think I'll die another day!


I woke an hour ago and felt like life is goanna turn out okay. Today.
No giant breakdown.
No real binging.

Maybe this post will make better sense if I tell about what a day from hell yesterday was.
I had the first of my final exams -English.
I went fine. I was fine... Until I wasn't.
I had just walked away from the test-room when suddenly the entire sky just came crashing down on me! I felt like I was cracking in half! I couldn't breathe or speak or stand existing any-more!!
Hysterically I grabbed my phone and got a hold of Thomas (boyfriend trough 3 years). He picked up after only two rings and asked how the test went.
The only problem was just that I seriously couldn't form a sentence! I was a mess! The only thing I really could say was something like: "I don't know... I feel. It bad? I... No."
He apparently understood my panic language and started to calm me down by telling me the simplest things: "breathe Cille. Walk to the bus. Come home and I will be home too."
In that moment I just felt so unbelievable thankful for such a wonderful man existed in my world.
I got home and Thomas fetched my from the station.
At that point I still couldn't compliment an entire sentence but Thomas just held my hand tight and assured me that I wouldn't fly away as long as I held on tight too.

Do not ask me what just happened there!
I guess it was some kind of panic attack? That school will be over soon and I have to manage life on my own? Like an actual adult!

I don't know... But today as I said it, life will be manageable.
Last night I had a Nightmare about my teeth falling out and I was on seriously dangerous drugs. That my mom was ashamed of me and all I loved just faded away before my eyes (including my teeth heh). That's where I realised...
It could be worse!


So have a good day everybody!!


Love Cille

onsdag den 26. maj 2010

Are you ready to get thin?

I know I am girls!

But first a little side note.
To minaralou: the centre (or the therapists) didn't really MAKE me do anything. Truth is I just didn't care what I ate for a time and I lost my grasp on holding a low weight as a hardcore overeater/bulimic... They ONLY make seriously underweight girls put on weight or seriously obese ones to loose... So... It's really just my own fault.
To disappear dorian: Thanks. And I know I talk a lot of crap about the centre, but it really isn't that bad. The therapists are really sweet and understanding and the girls in my group give a lot of support to each other and, of course, to the side of me that wants to be ED-free.


Now, let's cut to case, I want/need to loose some weight to be happy in my life as me. I weighed in at 69kg this morning and I want to weigh 55kg at the end of July.
I want to loose weight on my thighs, tummy, boobs, arms and face... Basically ALL OVER! Heh.

The way to do that is by using the tools I have. My general knowledge about food and body, my fitness centre and my bulimia...

  • Every time I eat something of my naughty list it CAN NOT stay in my system!! I WILL NOT HAVE IT! I will ONLY eat from my goodie list ;)
  • I will drink min. 2L water everyday
  • I have to plan every evening meal so I don't binge in junk
  • I will write down everything I eat (but I already do that for therapy)
  • I will work out 4 times a week -3x1 hour pilates 1x1,5 hours fitness
  • I will NOT eat over 1000kcal a day (so count count count!)
  • I will sleep 8 hours every night!
  • I will not give up if I slip, I'll just keep on trying!
  • Every choice is chosen to be one step closer to thin.

One week from now I will evaluate on my plan and then I can add one more or elaborate what needs to be altered.

So that's the plan, and I honestly think I can do it. Here is some summer thinspo to set me off!









Love Cille

mandag den 24. maj 2010

I can live on cigarettes


I am NOT giving up on my skinny dream!


It's my last day in group therapy next Monday, and honestly? I'm really excited! Or my ED is... Whatever! I really like that I can look forward to do whatever I want without limitations from The Milestone (ED recovery centre) but I also know how this sounds...
But... Perhaps I'm just not "there" yet. I don't think I'm ready to give up my eating disorder...


I am, however, goanna give up being fat.
I'm 171cm tall and weighed in this morning at 70kg and I look FAT! I know it, and everybody else knows it too.

This summer I'm goanna look freaking slammin' in a bikini and not cringe every time it time for a poolpose! I am goanna smile every time I walk by a reflection and wink at myself! I'm goanna wear all the wonderful short dresses and be beautiful! AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST, I AM GOANNA FEEL GOOD IN MY OWN SKIN!


Okay... So I got the pep talk in place -now I just need a plan...
I thourght about joining "The Skinny Patch" but I kinda like making my own. That's a part of the "fun" for me (yes I'm perhaps funny that way).


I'll post it in the next post girls : )


Love Cille

søndag den 16. maj 2010

A dream about god






I hate my boobs. No, really, I do.
I hate my hips.
I hate my broad shoulders.
I overall hate my large frame! I take too much space in space...
I want to be small. Little. Tiny.
Perhaps like a child?
No boobs, no hips, no signs of being an adult who has to take responsibility.

Today I feel asleep on the sofa after pilates. I had a dream about angels and demons, and god. Jup god -and I'm not really an religious person, but I had a dream about god. God was a woman. Beautiful and looked a bit like an singer from the 1930's. I dreamt that we fought the demons and won and as an reword for my hard work I was granted two wishes.
Guess what I wished for...
"I want to be thin and rich please!!" God shook her head and snapped her fingers... Poof! I was what I wanted, but I didn't feel any different!
Then I woke up.
Symbolic or what!?


Love
Cille

Make me strong!!!


Hey girls!
Welcome back! I'm really flattered that so so SO many are following my blog! When I started I thought that nobody in the entire world would ever read my rather avarge words. So I'm really glad that somebody do, and that I'm writing something people can use or reflect to.

Jup.
I am not doing so hot with my big fight with bulimia.Lately the urge to loose weight has been so strong that I'm falling back into my old pattern. Starve, binge, purge and starve again. My boyfriend has been so great about this whole thing and he has really become a strong allay but I feel like I'm being such a burden in his life that I don't wanna ask for help when I seriously need it!

Hmm. I weighed in at 68,07kg this morning (naked) and I was really happy for a moment! All like: "YAY!! GO ME!" But then I remembered that, that kind of emotion is a no-no (when you are trying to get rid of and ED) and that's the ED cheering -not me!
Shit. So I got all depressed because of the "naughty feeling" and how I still let the eating disorder get the best of me.

I went to pilates class (greatest form of workout EVER) at nine am and it was swell, but right after I went to the bakery and bought two mini cream and strawberry pies to me and Thomas... I don't know why I did it 'cause I didn't really feel the urge to something sweet... Maybe to sabotage myself?
I don't know. But I have been eating okay today. Both recording to my ED-recovery program AND recording to myself. The only "slip" was the mini pie and too much diet coke AND I'm properly goanna eat some chocolate I have in the kitchen.

So to avoid (future) binging I'm goanna put some (ED recovery) quotes and pictures on my kitchen cabinets to remind myself to THINK!
The ones that really caught my eye are these:

Self-love is the instrument of our preservation. - Voltaire

When the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, it may be that they take better care of it there. - Cecil Selig


You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. - Buddha


What a lovely surprise to finally discover how unlonely being alone can be. - Ellen Burstyn


Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.- Thomas Edison


Forget past mistakes. Forget failures. Forget about everything except what you're going to do now - and do it. - William Durant


You don't have to control your thoughts; you just have to stop letting them control you.- Dan Millman


Fall seven times, stand up eight. - Japanese proverb


If one is a Greyhound, why try to look like a Pekingese? - Edith Sitwell

If you're going through hell, keep going. -Winston Churchill




Lots of love

Cille


torsdag den 6. maj 2010

Lovely






Good morning girls.

It's awfully grey in the DK right now but I'm positive it's goanna be a good day!
I weighed in a 69,7 and that, what, about 154lbs? (why does lbs have to be such a big number?)

Well, so that's a start. Today I', goanna talk to my study counselor about the future -which is really hard for me, but I'll just have to get it over with!!

Then I'll swing by the pharmacy to get my "pills" (the pill) and perhaps look at some supplements to burn fat faster. I'm still not sure if I want to try Alli, just to see how bad it is... But I guess they wouldn't do me any good in the end, since I'm bulimic and restrictive in my eating habits not that much fat is left to be flushed out with Alli.


What else is on my mind... Ah yes, I have started to train at least 4 times a week (3 x pilates 1x just regular fitness). I AM IN LOVE WITH PILATES!!!
Already after my second class of it I felt "tighter" and it isn't all that sweaty! If you don't know what pilates is, which I'm sure you do, it's exercise based on tension and building up the mussels around the spine. It's sometimes really difficult ('cause of the technique) and hard ('cause you have to hold the tension in you abs ALL THE frigging' TIME) but not in the "I just ran 10km" kind of way. That's why I like it so much. I hate pulse training most of the time. It's sweaty, hot, painful and overall boring!

So I do pilates and run.

And I can already see the results a tiny bit. My tights are a little tighter and my butt a little rounder, heh.



So that's it for today I guess...
I'm goanna grab some breakfast and a cup of tea!





Love Cille

lørdag den 1. maj 2010

Too complicated!!




It shouldn't be this hard to lose weight!
I mean when I look around on the street and there are tons of thin, lean, slender or skinny girls out there! How the F do they do it? What's the big secret?

Perhaps a healthy relationship with food? But honestly, come on, no woman on the planet has that!
What about some random miracle diet? Blaaaah!
I am seriously so sick of hunting down the new fabulous diet that everyone is on in Hollywood. It's all crap! Diet pills, diet drinks, detox diets, no carbs, no meat, no veggies, no nothing!
The only way to get the body you want is though pain and hard work -and we know it!
But am I the only one who think that sucks?

(Just some frustrating thoughts I had in my head, heh, sorry for sounding so negative.)


Anywho, I am hungry like a tiger but I just don't have the energy to eat, mentally I mean. It's just too darn complicated to eat now a days.

I think I'm goanna go with some fish on wholegrain bread and perhaps a smoothie a little later... Or not. Probably not.



Love
Cille

fredag den 30. april 2010

A question I ask myself over and over again

Why am I hungry?


When I don't wanna eat... I HATE EATING!! I freaking fucking hate it! I know that as humans we have to have something in the system, but why do I then choose to munch on crackers instead of apples? Why do I deliberately choose to eat the wrong thing?

I think I'm a food masochist...


Quick words about my day:
I woke up to the annoying sound of my boyfriend opening the blinds and the sunlight piercing my eyes! Very nice indeed yes.
And then I made breakfast. Eggs and bacon and one wholegrain bun -WITH NUTELLA (see what I mean by masochist?). I knew I couldn't purge 'cause Thomas was in the living room so I just felt how the food I just had consumed started to burn and decompose in my insides... Wow I feel so so so disgusted by myself even typing this...
Then my period kicked in! Ouch! I think my period pains can be measured to be a 7 out of 10 on the pain scale.
Great, puffy in pain and of course hungry I spend my day in front of my computer. Forcing to make time pass by watching Gossip Girl and Grey's Anatomy on Casttv.com...

Oh my god, to think you guys are actually interested in my boring boring life heh ;)

That was my day, I haven't been eating since morning but GOD HOW I WANT TO!! (I have the sickest crave for pasta/pesto right now)
My evening will go by with roasted pumpkin seeds, ice cold water, red cramps and my computer...
It's goanna be a looong night.
Thomas is at this fancy party -drinking his brains out- and I am unable to sleep alone (yes I am such a child). Sniff..
Poor me eh?


Here are some of my most valued pictures of people I imagine have a much simpler life <3







Love
Cille

onsdag den 28. april 2010

Yoga and nothing


God this day SUCKS in Denmark. The whether is super grey -I think it might rain soon, and I have like a zillion tings to do today!!! Okay it's actually only four highlights...
Yoga class, school, fixing my contact lenses and cleaning the apartment... All sucky things.

A.N.D. I. A.M. F.A.T. T.O.D.A.Y.
So no food... Weeh...

Anyways, weighed in at 71.4kg this morning. FAT


Well talk to yer' later girls


Love
Cille

tirsdag den 27. april 2010

I'm not dead... I just fainted

As the title suggests.


I have been away, and now I'm back.

I am still fat, unhappy with my life and in recovery (read: at the moment only physical)...

It sucks so hard that I lost everything I worked for! My figure, my "self reflected prestige" and my determination to loose the weight I've always wanted, on the road to a life without an ED.

I miss it... I miss my bulimia... Does that sound far out or what? I really miss the "something" I could cling on to whenever things turned on me (and boy do they at the moment) instead of actually dealing with the feelings and all that shit!
I don't need feelings like anger/depression/sadness/loneliness/despair/hopelessness or abandons in my life! Just give me 20 minutes in the ladies-room and all of those feelings will be washed away -literally down the drain! Until next time.

Well enough about my bitching! I fell over this amazing video at Boohyouwhore.com (heh, I needed something to cheer me up)
It's gorgous... That girl is my new icon in this godforsaken world...








Buckets full of love to you my dear ones
Cille

tirsdag den 20. april 2010

The naughty list




This is the lists of which I try to keep close in my everyday, and if I'm on a diet I just reorganise some goodie-stuff to the naughty list (ex. like jam, nuts, honey).


Of course both lists depends on my mood and situation, and this is just on top of my head.


Naughty list:

FASTFOOD!!

Chocolate

Ice cream

Candy

Cream

Pure sugar

Cake

Pastry

Cereal

Rice

Pasta

White bread

Butter

"Salt"

Fatty sliced cheese/meat (everything with over 200kcal per 100g)

Fatty meat (like pork/bacon)

Alcohol

Ketchup

Mayo

dressing

Sauce

Oil

Regular soda

Chocolate milk

Fat milk

Fat yoghurt




Goodie list:


Water/tea

Coffee

Skim milk

Diet soda

Veggies

Fruit

Nuts

Whole grain bread

Yoghurt (under 3,5% fat)

Honey

Jam

Pesto (as butter)

Lean sliced cheese/meat

Fish

Seafood

Turkey/chicken

Egg

Diet quick noddles

NUPO

Light margarine

vitamins/supplements




Love Cille

onsdag den 24. marts 2010

The pool issue...

Yeah, so, summer is right around the corner an we all know that means; sun, flipflops and walking around on the beach or by the pool almost butt-naked! PANIC!!

Last year I whent to Turkey with 7 of my girlfriends. We booked a cheap vacation and decided that this trip was goanna be the best ever and that we were goanna have the time of our lives!
I was a little nervous about having to shear a room with 2 others because of my eating habits, but that part wasn't really a serious issue. All in all it was an amazing vacation.
The bomb first hit me for real when we came home and the pictures were put on Facebook! I saw lard, fat and disgusting breasts all over the photos of me! I was wearing a bikini and having fun in the pool and I looked HUGE! Most of the other girls were skinny and hot on the photos, but me? Well I was just one big blob! EW!

I will NOT let that happen again! This year I want to be comfortable in a bikini. I want to feel sexy and goddessy. I want to see BONES! Ribs, hips, collarbone, shoulders! EVERYTHING!
But of course that's a little too late. As I said, summer is right around the corner and nobody can get skinny that fast and MENTAIN it till and though summer! NOBODY, GIRLS!
Besides, since I'm still in treatment (recovering from an ED) I have signed a piece of paper that basically says: "I will not go on a diet as long as I am in treatment here".
So I train. I train and I train and it’s actually paying off. I can see how my muscles eat the fat and how my stomach is getting flatter by the day! It's really wonderful!
Unfortunately I can't really see a difference on the scale -'cause muscles weigh more that fat- and that fact annoys the hell out of me! But I guess I just have to deal with that.


I have a little thinspo here that helps me get though my training routine tree times a week.

And, yes I realise it's a little morally ambivalent...


Skinny calves
Thin legs (and awsome shoes)
Cute abs



And by the way, what’s your favourite workout? Treadmill? Push ups? Or just all around the fitness centre?
And why?
Love Cille









lørdag den 13. marts 2010

The 1/4 diet?

Have you heard about it?


I was surfing mindlessly around on the web when I bumped into a debate concerning something called: The 1/4 Diet. I got caught -like any diet junkie- by the promise of a new wonder drug and dove, head first, into the debate.
It turned out that the diet is rather simple, and somewhat unintelligent, but quite appealing for someone in my situation. You just eat what you are eating, but in smaller portions. 1/4 of your normal portion in fact.

Stupid right? Or maybe not. I can see the point of cutting down on my portions and I like that nothing is "forbidden". In that sense I could have a little sweet and avoid a horrid binge, and also eliminate a purging 'cause it's "allowed" to eat a tiny bit sweetness.

I can clearly also see the idiotic thing about the "diet" -it depends on what you are eating in the first place, so I don't consider it a real diet. If you are eating unhealthy you can't lose weight by continuing to eat unhealthy! That just bitter logic!

I do eat relatively healthy and harmonic but I tend to overeat because of my bulimia. I always have this thought in the back of my head going: "you can just purge it out later -just go for it! Just this once!" And so I do. I always end up "going for it this once" and I always end up purging -hence bulimia.
So if I want to break the vicious circle I have to do two things.
1) I have to mentally make a choice. 2) I have to actively make the choice.
It's a lot harder than it sounds guys... The mental part is okay, but when I come to the active one I always fall off the wagon.
The only time I don't fall off, is when I'm on a diet!! So if I’m on a diet that helps me achieve the wanted weight AND get rid of my bulimia it's really a win-win situation!! Right?

I think it makes sense… A really fucked up kind of sense –but still- sense.







Love


fredag den 12. marts 2010

Reminder




Hey girls!!

I just wanted to remind you all to visit my Danish blog!
It's about fashion and of course, about me and my everyday life.
I have no ED stuff written down on there, so if you feel like taking a break from obsessive thoughts about food -swing by!

And the posts are on Danish but if you would like, I can make a short english summery in each post from now on. :)

Oh and I have a small prayer, if you choose to follow on there - which I would utterly adore!!!- Please don't have ribs and collarbones as profile pictures or follow anonymously. I really don't want ANY ED stuff on there, it's my hiding place -sort of, and I want it to be yours too :D













love Cille




SS vs SS

So i was watching the British reality show; supersize vs. superskinny this afternoon. And god, I just realized something horrible! When I look at the extreme bodies -of which the program revolve around, I couldn't help but to compare myself to them.



And of course I don't look exactly like one or the other, but I find that I look more like the supersized ( obese) person than the skinny. Like the way the proportions look and how the fat is placed on my body! Slightly less fat on me, but still... I CAN reflect myself in them! I feel like I'm looking at my worst nightmare!
"This is how you are going to look if you keep putting crap in your mouth!" Ugh.

It's really triggering for me, but I can't stop watching...
Maybe it's because I already feel bad about that carrot cake I ate this morning... Sigh.


All this ED stuff is spinning my head off! I wanna lose weight, but I want to recover from bulimia!
I know, I know, I said this before! But it's really what's bugging me at the moment!

I keep restricting -even though I KNOW it’s bad. I work out 4hours every week –at least. AND I’M STILL GAINING!!!? I’m beginning to get a little desperate… A little too obsessive… Any advice?



Love Cille

søndag den 28. februar 2010

Fuck the term: hypocritical!



Why? Why is it I haven't invested in a scale? Why is it that every time I walk by IKEA or Illume’s I think "Ah, I don't need a scale! My ED does!" -and then, when I come home I'm freaking out 'cause I have no idea what I weigh!??!?!?

I'm SO buying one tomorrow!!!

I am at the edge of insanity!


Why don’t I have a scale already? Why doesn’t my mom have a scale!? Why can't I borrow my neighbours scale??? -well okay to answer my own last question; Cause that’s fucking crazy!

Arg! Somebody throw me a freaking scale!!!

I have been eating like a pig. I have broken about 7 of my internal rules today. Never given them much thought before, but since I’ve written them down I can see that some (most) of them are seriously insane.

Like; can’t eat nuts after 12 o’clock, or; everything I’m “keeping” in my system has to have something green beside it –like lettuce, cucumber, pepper, apple, grape and so on…
It’s so a whole lot easier to see how weird they are, and to question them, when they are on a piece of paper. So, I’m working every day to break another! My goal is to get thin/healthy, without crazy rules! And I think that’s very much achievable!

Today I weigh: FUCK! Still no scale girls… My guess would be like 300lbs today… That’s how I feel anyway –my serious guess would be at 138lbs or something. But I can’t be sure…


I have to go to the treatment centre tomorrow –and I really really REALLY don’t feel like it… I think I’m going to get up extra early tomorrow and hit the gym before therapy –even though I know it’s my ED’s plan, I just goanna go with it. I don’t feel like picking a fight with it.
(And sorry if it’s a little weird that I talk about my ED like it’s not a part of me. Therapy stunt. I guess it is a lot easier to fight IT if you’re not felling like you are fighting yourself. Does that make sense?)
Anyhow, I’m goanna bid you girls goodnight (I’m dead beat at eleven o’clock –pathetic), sleep tight an’ don’t let the bedbugs bite ;)


Love Cille






ZZZzzz