lørdag den 5. juni 2010

It's a wild world

My week has been goodish. The finals really suck though. I feel like it went okay with the stuff I had to put down on paper but I have no clue how well it actually went...

The stress is completely tearing me apart. All the tests and talk about the future is really spinning my head. Can't people just live in the now??
I had a minor "breakdown" that lasted two-tree days last week. I think I need to go to the doctor and get his opinion on the doses of anti depressives I'm taking at the moment. I blame the BD on them. That's a little easier then analysing myself.

The food has been good. I have been controlling but not totally obsessive, which was my ultimate goal! Unfortunately I don't think it's goanna last - I can actually already feel myself getting more and more aware of the difficulty that comes with thinking about food. And dreaming about it.
I just tend to not eat because it's too complicated and too hard with all that's going on at the moment! I have to stay in control all the time and that's exhausting -which I'm pretty sure you all recognize.
Everything is an Everest I have to climb. Even taking a thorough bath and doing something to my hair is too much (don't worry I finally got myself to take a bath after a week -yes ew)! Even putting on clothes! I must really look like a hobo at the moment -it's a surprise Thomas haven't left me yet... I'm smelly, fat, ugly and really just a humongous wet blanket.

I weighed in at 69.3kg today. Got a "fake bake" (hate the sun - the only colour it adds to me, is red) and stayed in front of the computer all day. Boooring. My mum has more fun than me!
It was beautiful weather today! Not a cloud in sight, and that rare in Denmark. Thomas went sailing, my mum and Jesper and my baby sis went to Christiania, my dad and his gang went to the park, and me? I stayed at home nursing my misery and watching Tomb Raider...

At least my mood has begun to improve. I don't cry all the freaking time. I don't space out while thinking about how or if I should take my own life and last but not least I can now laugh when my boyfriend tickles my instead of dissolve in angry tears.... Yay me...

I'm really worried about my summer. The endless expectations of party, festival and happy days is getting on my nerves. I can't really explain why I feel so annoyed that everyone just want to hang out with me, but I think it's the disorder that's trying to get me all for itself, and I admit, it is hard to fight against it.
The question weather I should go on the Roskilde Festival with all my fellow graduations is seriously twisting my arm. I know if I don't go I'll properly regret it, but if I go I'm trapped with a bunch of happy people that don't know me to the core (not to mention beer and junkfood) -and that scares the hell out of me... I guess I just have to make a pro and con list.

Love Cille

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