mandag den 28. september 2009

Iced tea <3

Yeay me!

Lost weight! Now I weigh 118Ibs! Weeh!! But I decided that my new goal is 100 <3

I got a really cool pice of advice from Jax; homemade ice tea with artificial sweetener, mm!

That is wonderful!

Gonna have today:

  • max. 300Cal.

Had so far:

  • 1 bowl of oakmeal - 70Cal.

  • 1 cup nudel - 84Cal.

Weeeh!!! Back on track!!!

Hunger point. . .

"It takes diciplin to be thin!"
From the movie Hunger Point... I like the plot, but it's not a favorite.

søndag den 27. september 2009

Nothing I wouldn't give...

There are so many thin people in the world… Its unbearable.

Just make me thin?

Is that too much to ask for?

I hate parties


Hangover... I didn't drink all that much last night, but I think all the smokes are getting to me. I was at a party downtown, and it was pretty cool actually. One of my friends is an artist so she had a lot of awesome alternative people there.

I didn't wanna go to the party at first because it was a birthday, and so I knew there would be tons of food. But as the time passed I felt the need to have fun (for once), and I went there with my Thomas.

Okay... I didn't go because I needed to have fun... I went, because Thomas had "made" me eat dinner, and I knew if I went to the party no one would hear me purge... That’s just sad...

And I made quite a stupid mistake yesterday.
Okay so there was a plate of, what I assumed was; chocolate cake, on the table. My friend comes up to me and asks if I tried the cake. I panic and tell her I'v been munching it all evening...
I said cote:

"Yeah I just love chocolate cake! It's the best thing in the world!"

She looks at me like I'm crazy, and says:

"Its carrot cake? I thought you said you ate tons of it?"

I act all surprised and take a crumb to taste it... And shit, she’s right!? Damn!! She walks away and I feel so stupid. She’s not that close to me, and knows nothing about my ED… I just know this little episode will be gossiped about…

Love Cille

Poor Posh

Victoria was AGAIN called thin and anorexic at the Burberry-show in London this week.

Is it me or do Posh look a little worn out??

My inner thoughts...

These are some of my secrets:

I like the feel of being empty.

Some days I purge everything, just for the "feel" of it. (even water)

9 out of 10 times I fake my orgasm.

I am currently saving up to a boobjob in secrecy.

I wish I could take a knife and cut the fat away.

Once I tried (I have a small scar under my left boob).

I love my anti-depressing pills, cause they make me loose my appetite and they pump me full of energy so I can't sit still (burning more Cals than EVER!).

I have a million rules when I eat.

If I eat a mixed green salad, I eat all the red/yellow first, then dark green then green, so I can see how far I have come then I purge it all up again!

I think school is a waist of time, ‘cause I don't have a future.

I love to see other people eat cake while I'm eating nothing.

I often feed my friends with chocolate or candy, just so I can be thinner...

Every time I go out on the balcony, I feel like jumping. (I live on the 5th floor)

But I can't do it; ‘cause I would look fat to my funereal...

I hate Christmas because of the food...

I don't wanna recover as it is now.

I like my face, but when I look at the rest of me I think; what a waist...

I lie to my boyfriend about what I'v eaten.

I feel excided when I feel faint, ‘cause that means I'm loosing weight.

I hate when people tell me I look thin, cause I don't!!

I'm a little scared of dying, but terrified of gaining another pound!!

I wish I sniff coke so I could loose weight.

I love to shop for shoes, ‘cause you can never look fat in high heels.

I have a lot more, but I can't remember any on the top of my head :)

lørdag den 26. september 2009


Kill me now. Just reach out for the closest item and stab me in the chest! A pencil, a ruler, a pair of scissors! JUST DO IT! I don’t deserve to live…

Sigh, yesterday was awful. I had done very well… All I’d consumed was NOTHING! Freaking fucking nada! And I felt good, physically, about it. No real pain or hurt, just emptiness. Until Thomas came home!! ARG!! I had planed that I would go to bed right away, or fall asleep under the movie before dinner, but I was unsuccessful. I made dinner with him (Homemade pizza, with veggies –no meat and just a little cheese) I could handle that. WRONG! I went completely overboard! Pizza, candy, chips, Pepsi Max (but still), and all of that made a wobbing 958Kcal!! Shit + fuck. And I KEPT THE SHIT IN, because of my boyfriend…

The night before he had lost it and had puked his gut out while he screamed “I just wanna see how it is for you sweetheart!! UH, LOOK AT ME I’M LOOSING WEIGHT!!” Fuck him, I haven’t forgiven him for that yet… Properly never will.

Anyhow, I kept my “binge” down so he wouldn’t yell. I understand just how frustrating all this must be for him, I really do, but he is pushing me over the edge! Everyday it’s like; “eat that, do this, be strait with me, how many times did you though up today!” IT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS HONEY! I mean I am sick, but I’m not brain-dead. I WANT to get better! I just need to get use to the idea. Patience.

Well, maybe I need his help a tiny bit, but I would wish he’d back off a little… And I don't wanna be straight with him, because when I am he turns into a control-freak. The bad guy, and I want him to be min prince not the dragon...

Love you all


fredag den 25. september 2009

Tha game!!

Its something I plan my week after, makes it easier (and kinda fun!)

Rules: You have to get min. 50 points per day, and mininum 500 points in a week.

If you don't get the 50 points one day, the next day you HAVE TO get at least 150 points!
The following activities provide points:

  • Weights: 15min = 20point
  • Floor Exercises: (50) = 5point
  • Swimming: 15min = 20point
  • Cycling: 15min = 10point
  • Jumping with a rope: 15min = 20pint
  • Indoor hop: 15min = 20point
  • Indoor run: 15min = 20point
  • Indoor walk: 15min = 5point
  • Cleaning: 15min = 5point
  • Dance: 15min = 5point
  • Outdoore run: 15min = 30point
  • Outdoor slowly walk: 15min = 10point
  • Outdoor quickly walk: 15min = 15point

Fast 1 day = 20point
Fast 2 days = 40point
Fast 3 days = 80point

Eaten UNDER:
100kcal per day = 40point
200kcal per day = 30point
300kcal per day = 35point
400kcal per day = 20point
500kcal per day = 15point

Its not hard at all girls! If you guys think its too easy, just raise the bare to 100/150 points a day!

I know its a lot of numbers, heh, but is helps me to plan and to stick with the plan!!

Love you guys !


Wow......... Watch this website and you'll NEVER eat again!

**warning!! GROSS, makes that appitite disappire!**
Still hungry? Im not!!!

What do you do?

Please tell me how you guys num the hunger pains!! I mean without eating that is hehe :)
I drink water, exercise, eat icecubes and a lot or other stuff! But what is your key to get through the day? Please share!

Love you beauties ;)


torsdag den 24. september 2009

Geez I am so whiny. No pain no gain! RIGHT! But it hurts so bad! This isn’t supposed to be this hard!? I mean EVERYBODY is fucking thin and I am a fatfatfat pig! I am covered in lard! I am disgusting! Weak! A failure! Ugly! FAT! FAT! FAT! I HATE MY BODY! MY LIFE! I HATE EVERTHING!!

I just wanna be thin...
I just wanna be beautiful...
I just wanna be thin.......

Im in school. I can't concentrate. I hardly slept the in the past tree nights. Mainly because of the hunger pains. So yesterday I ate so I could sleep.

I had ca. 300g of salad and a wholegrain sandwitch with light cream cheese and cucumber. I felt so bad afterwards that I did 100 crunches and about 50 leglifts (each) and some push ups. I don't know how many I did, cause I feel asleep all of the sudden, heh, woke up on the floor this morning. Thankfully on my yoga mat, so my back isn't killing me now. But, think about it... That's freaking INSANE! I FELL ASLEEP DOING PUSH UPS?! I have eaten next to nothing in weeks, and done so, so well... And my ED won't let me eat a salad? Nothing I do is ever good enough.

She's a bitch... But maybe she had a point... I gained half a kg this morning...

onsdag den 23. september 2009

Breathe me

Listen to this song; Sia - Breathe me

It's the way my life is. How I feel with my ED.

Behinde closed doors. . .

Well, I am going to tell you how I do things. And NOT because I want to be some kind of thinspo to you guys or anything in that way -but simply because I (personally) "like" to read about how other bulimics do it. It's some kind of proff that I am not going completly mental and that Im not alone with this problem.

My rotine starts with eating. I ate dinner today, rost beef with potatos and sauce.. A BIG nono in my book (at least if I decided that I wasn't going to eat that day). After I had INHAILED my food I tried really hard to keep it down, for the sake of my family, but I failed. Horrorbly. I went to the bathroom. Locked the door. Turned the water on in the shower. Took off my dress so I wouldn't get it dirty and pulled my hair back. I stood leaned over the toilet and puked for about 15minuts or so, and gosh... That hurt! I waited WAY to long with getting rid of it all, so the acid burned all the way. AW! Fucking shit...

I was done, unnoticed and I felt my heart racing in my chest. Nicest feeling all day...

I didn't get it all, but at least 2/3 I suppose.

Gez, I have no idea how to stop! I physically felt sick when I was done eating!! I just couldn't stand the thought of keeping it in.

Sorry guys, I hope you NEVER have to feel like this, and if you already do... Get help. God, I am such a hipocrite (spelled?)!

Love Cille

P.s. spelling control is down, sorry ;)
P.p.s. Thanks for all your comment!! I adore when you guys post a little something for me to read :) :)
You make my day :)

Today sucks...

It really does...

I am sooo hungry, but I have done so well lately... I don't wan't to fuck it up now.

Yesterday I had:

1 big cup of ice coffee

A HUGE plate of fries (which is no longer in my systeme)...

And 50g of tuna...

today I had so far:

1 cracker with cinnimen (60Cal)

I feel sick, and dizzy, but I accually don't care!! I lost weight!! About 4Ibs (2kg)

tirsdag den 22. september 2009

We are happy to inform you...

News from "the Milestone"...

So, there I am. Sitting in front of my computer, lalala, and then!!! DADADAAA!! A letter dumps dramatically trough my mail slid in the door!! I walk across the floor slowly, ‘cause I kinda got the feeling that it’s the letter I have been “waiting” for... I can spot the logo from “The Milestone” where I stand. It takes me two minutes to snap out of the shock, and walk all the way to the letter. I pick it up and open the envelope. Slowly, slowly. I don’t really want to see the results, because ether way it’s goanna upset me.

I see the top of the letter and I want to scream. To cry. To KILL myself...

“Dear Cecilie... We are happy to inform you that you have been accepted in the program...” Tears are already making the paper wet but I keep reading to find some kind of comfort. And I do, “The wait is approximately nine months...” I sigh. First thought; okay I have approximately nine months to prepare myself for this living hell...

Do you guys want to know what my second thought was? I have to loose weight!! I have maybe less than nine months to loose weight in peace!

Crazy, huh..? But you know, of cause a part of me is happy to be in the program, and that part is also really annoyed that I have to wait so long to get real progressive help. I still have my (free) psychologist until the beginning of the program, so I won’t be completely on my own.

... Wee...

Sigh... I just ate sooo many french-fries and now I feel like sh*t...



The old ticker

Yeah, so Christine is right. I haven’t been very informative about what’s really going on with me, physically.

Well, dear readers, my heart is going a little off beat these days. It isn’t anything serious -yet, but if I continue my (rather unhealthy) lifestyle, it might become dangerous in a couple of years.
Uh a lot of scary words, but I am taking that info with a bit of salt, cause there’s no evidence that I cant get cured in time! And “it may be fatal in a couple of years”? Yeah yeah tell me something new, I know bulimia isn’t on the “healthy way of life” list! I am not that brainless.
But my heat is beating a little too fast at times, and the doctors have to keep an eye on it, if things evolve.

Other than that my teeth and hair is really getting… Well, worn out. It’s really crappy, but my hair is falling out by the handful. I thought at first it was because I always tied up my hair, but a blood test showed that I was lacking some vitamins.

I try to take some pills against that, but can’t keep the shit down. I am also on some mild anti-depressive pills at the moment, but to be honest… They don’t work. The only thing they do is making me dizzy. A lot, heh.

So, there you go... And don't take all that too serious now, I am working on it :)



Turning a new leaf...?


I can't freaking do this!!

I feel like... Shit. Poop. Crap. Whatever! I want to be healthy... I want to stop destroying myself... But I can't... I can't do it... I can't fight anymore, it freaking HURTS! It hurts when I don't eat, and even more when I do! Fu'*§(/&"&!$"=(//%((&$§"ing!!


The truth is...I love it. I love to eat and purged. The feel is amazing, and the taste isn't that bad if I do it fast. I love to se other people (and I know this is HORRORBLE) stuff their faces while I am saying "no thank you". I love to feel lightheaded and empty. I love to step on to the scale and se the weight drop right off of me! I love to feel my bones; it’s like a "high" somehow...

Oh so help me god I love having an ED! It's my friend, my enemy, my drug, my lover, my guide, my saint, my secret, my person... My everything...