søndag den 28. februar 2010

Fuck the term: hypocritical!

Why? Why is it I haven't invested in a scale? Why is it that every time I walk by IKEA or Illume’s I think "Ah, I don't need a scale! My ED does!" -and then, when I come home I'm freaking out 'cause I have no idea what I weigh!??!?!?

I'm SO buying one tomorrow!!!

I am at the edge of insanity!

Why don’t I have a scale already? Why doesn’t my mom have a scale!? Why can't I borrow my neighbours scale??? -well okay to answer my own last question; Cause that’s fucking crazy!

Arg! Somebody throw me a freaking scale!!!

I have been eating like a pig. I have broken about 7 of my internal rules today. Never given them much thought before, but since I’ve written them down I can see that some (most) of them are seriously insane.

Like; can’t eat nuts after 12 o’clock, or; everything I’m “keeping” in my system has to have something green beside it –like lettuce, cucumber, pepper, apple, grape and so on…
It’s so a whole lot easier to see how weird they are, and to question them, when they are on a piece of paper. So, I’m working every day to break another! My goal is to get thin/healthy, without crazy rules! And I think that’s very much achievable!

Today I weigh: FUCK! Still no scale girls… My guess would be like 300lbs today… That’s how I feel anyway –my serious guess would be at 138lbs or something. But I can’t be sure…

I have to go to the treatment centre tomorrow –and I really really REALLY don’t feel like it… I think I’m going to get up extra early tomorrow and hit the gym before therapy –even though I know it’s my ED’s plan, I just goanna go with it. I don’t feel like picking a fight with it.
(And sorry if it’s a little weird that I talk about my ED like it’s not a part of me. Therapy stunt. I guess it is a lot easier to fight IT if you’re not felling like you are fighting yourself. Does that make sense?)
Anyhow, I’m goanna bid you girls goodnight (I’m dead beat at eleven o’clock –pathetic), sleep tight an’ don’t let the bedbugs bite ;)

Love Cille


torsdag den 25. februar 2010

German and pizza

Wow, so many loyal readers, so little in my life to write about.

I'm in school right now -in German class- hungry for food and drained for brain cells.
I feel sooo tired and like all the life is sucked out of me today.
That's properly a reaction to poor diet and slim breakfast…

I only had 1/4 of an omelette and some fruit with yoghurt this morning...
I just couldn't get anything else down –It all seemed so impossible to eat! Do I cook something? But I’m too hungry to cook! Do I have some bread? But I don’t feel like it?? So confusing when you don’t “sense” hunger the same way as normal people!

But one thing I always seem to have room for is eggs! I have this insanely weird crave for eggs at the moment. I eat them ALL THE FREAKING TIME! Boiled, scrambled, sunny side up, omelette, baked egg toast (SO good!!) and egg muffins. No wonder I put on weight so fast!

I was told to put on at least 10lbs by my dieatist when I was 120lbs -so I'm really struggling with that. I am at a good 140lbs now... Yes I gained some and yes it was impossible!! Not to gain weight, but to be okay with gaining. I’m still very emotional about my weigh, but I don’t break down and cry when I see one more pound on the scale.
It’s goanna be a long road to recovery, and it already feels like a fucking dessert hike, but I’m sure I will reach goal at some point!!

Tonight I’m making my gorgeous homemade pizza –it is to die for!! If you guys would like, I can post the pizza recipe (together with some other low cal/no cal meals). It’s so simple even I can make it to perfection. :)
I really look forward to a comfy night in. Just relaxing on the sofa and eating pizza with a clean conscience. Awesome possum!!

Jup, so I’ll go do that and you guys have a good one!!

Love Cille

fredag den 12. februar 2010

Diamonds are forever...

"Diamonds are made through the pressure and pain of fire."

Pretty wreek -Control

Gosh that helps me so much to push though and keep on running!!
Love Cille


Uh Mama!

I look great today!! I can see my body change from day to day! Tighter tights, slimmer arms and killer collarbones! I just need to keep working hard and I will look awesome in a bikini by summer! Wubii!

Eating lots of lean protein and working out 1 hour today!

Have a tremendous day girls <3
Love Cille

onsdag den 10. februar 2010

Tell me...

Wow, I don't know where to begin.
I'm doing "good" in therapy, but I don't know how long it will last. I eat, sleep, work out and sleep some more. My life is a blur.

I lost 3 pounds since last week -which I feel great about! I'm now at 130lbs (171cm tall). That's fine. I'm okay, 'Cause I can see I'm going in the right direction. I want to accept my body and move on with my life. No more ED -10 years is enough!! I just need to shed the last pounds and control my purging and then I think I'm goanna be just fine.

Eating the right thing is hard. My dietitian says I need to eat more fat to make my brain and mussels function properly, but I have NO intention to listen to that fat cow. If she’s overweight then how is she goanna provide diet advice for me?
She also says I have to eat more carbs and protein since I work out every day. I agree. If I want to build up my mussels I NEED protein.
I still binge, but not as much and as violently as before. I have about one binge per. week, and it isn't as big amounts. Maybe 1000-2000cal. The purging is also improving. I purge 2-4 times a day -not that bad comparing to 20-22times a day.
I work out every day for about an hour and a half. I run 3km and row 1 and then I do weights + crunches + strength. Some times I throw in a little cross trainer or stepping just to get real sweaty. Then I stretch for 15min and then I'm done.
So that's what I spend my time doing. Sleep, eat, work out and sleep some more. And of course I am in group therapy at The Milestone (ED treatment center). Yawn. I just finished my routine so I think I deserve a nap.

Have a wonderful Wednesday girls.

Love Cille

torsdag den 4. februar 2010

Push yourself!

So I know I'm not supposed to lose weight when I'm in recovery, but I just cant help it!

I'm going on the cabbage soup diet today and till Sunday, plus working out every day. I really want to lose the weight I have gained through the last couple of weeks. I'm at 135lbs at the moment and I really want to get down to 120/110 by the time March comes around.

Yesterday I joined the gym right across my building and I really pushed myself to the limit! It felt amazing! I ran 3km and rowed 1 and then did some weights. It was so so nice to feel how I use my muscles. I didn't eat all that much either. 3 slices of wholegrain bread with fish and chicken, 1/2 a club sandwich (light), 2 bananas, 1 bonbon and some red wine. I think that was okay, not perfect but no binged so I'm happy -for now.
Love Cille

mandag den 1. februar 2010

Want or should?

Woaw I'm so tired now. My day has been quite hectic. I ran around town to buy some lamps for my appartment and I was in group therapi at the treatment centre. It was good. I've made some goals for my recovery and I can really see the end of the tunnel now!
I Feel enigized and I'm ready to stand up to my ED.

Tomorrow I'm goanna join a fitness center to get a little healthier and perhaps to flatten my tummy some, but NO ED schemes!!
Just to feel more comfortable in my body and to feel like I'm taking care of it. :)

Goatta go gals, but have a super day

Love Cille