I think I'll die another day!

I woke an hour ago and felt like life is goanna turn out okay. Today.
No giant breakdown.
No real binging.

Maybe this post will make better sense if I tell about what a day from hell yesterday was.
I had the first of my final exams -English.
I went fine. I was fine... Until I wasn't.
I had just walked away from the test-room when suddenly the entire sky just came crashing down on me! I felt like I was cracking in half! I couldn't breathe or speak or stand existing any-more!!
Hysterically I grabbed my phone and got a hold of Thomas (boyfriend trough 3 years). He picked up after only two rings and asked how the test went.
The only problem was just that I seriously couldn't form a sentence! I was a mess! The only thing I really could say was something like: "I don't know... I feel. It bad? I... No."
He apparently understood my panic language and started to calm me down by telling me the simplest things: "breathe Cille. Walk to the bus. Come home and I will be home too."
In that moment I just felt so unbelievable thankful for such a wonderful man existed in my world.
I got home and Thomas fetched my from the station.
At that point I still couldn't compliment an entire sentence but Thomas just held my hand tight and assured me that I wouldn't fly away as long as I held on tight too.

Do not ask me what just happened there!
I guess it was some kind of panic attack? That school will be over soon and I have to manage life on my own? Like an actual adult!

I don't know... But today as I said it, life will be manageable.
Last night I had a Nightmare about my teeth falling out and I was on seriously dangerous drugs. That my mom was ashamed of me and all I loved just faded away before my eyes (including my teeth heh). That's where I realised...
It could be worse!


So have a good day everybody!!


Love Cille

Want or should?

Woaw I'm so tired now. My day has been quite hectic. I ran around town to buy some lamps for my appartment and I was in group therapi at the treatment centre. It was good. I've made some goals for my recovery and I can really see the end of the tunnel now!
I Feel enigized and I'm ready to stand up to my ED.

Tomorrow I'm goanna join a fitness center to get a little healthier and perhaps to flatten my tummy some, but NO ED schemes!!
Just to feel more comfortable in my body and to feel like I'm taking care of it. :)


Goatta go gals, but have a super day



Love Cille

Something new, something blue

So x-mas is over. (Thank god). I got some nice gifts and I got to spend time with Thomas, so that was good.




Sigh. Next challange, New Years. I'm spendin my new years eve with my classmates and my boyfriend downtown in Copenhagen. I bought some really cool eye-lashes and some crazy glitter so I guess it can't go comeplitely wrong.



Mmmh I love new years. No because of the party, and certinly not because of the fireworks! But because of the "new". A fresh start, a do-over...

I think my new year's resolution will be to (for a change) something that hasn't got ANYTHING to do with weight... Maybe just food.... I don't know...



Do you guys know your new year's resolutions yet?



I have no idea what I shoud "wish" to change in the new year, 'cause on the one side I want to loose weight/be healthy/trendy but on the other I really should just focus on getting rid of my ED.

Blaah...





Love, love and more love

Cille

It's in my head

First of all my WORD is down, (and therefor also my spelling control) so sorry for the poor quality of my post...

I had a really nice weekend. Me and some friends went to this awsome party downtown and it was almost a perfect night. The thing that spoiled the evning was my drinking! I drank so much!! At the end I could hardly stand, and I made a big jiggely fool outta myself! Arg...

I got a massage (once agian) from The Milestone (ED center), and I am goanna start after Christmas... I know it's for my own good and yada yada yada, but I'm really scared. All those new people and rules. I don't know if I'm goanna make it. And I feel this insane pressure that every one in my family expect, no DEMAND me to be all whole and healed when I'm done with the treatment...

What if I can't get better? What if I'm doomed to be eating disordered for the rest of my life?? Whould everybody then just give up on me?

I dont know...

And do I really want to be all whole and healed? I mean... If I aren't Cille with the ED, then who the fuck am I? What if my ED definds who I am? How am I then goanna survive without it?

I'm not sure I know HOW to live without my ED...

All these different emotions are washing over me right now, and I feel like I'm goanna drown -you know?

Love

Got me a brand new attitude

First of all, I would like to apologize for my blogger neglect!! Sigh, I guess I have been so absent lately ‘cause my ED has fated a little in to the background. Or maybe I just accepted it fully? I don’t know my darlings...
I don’t really have bulimic tendencies at the moment -I just don’t eat?

So Thomas came home. And as you know we had a bit of a rocky welcome. He said some things and I got hurt and the other way around, but now everything is close to fine. He doesn’t really trust me when I go out and he is so jealous! It’s getting on my last nerve!! Yes, I like to flirt but I know the limitations!? Well, he is properly goanna read this (even though I asked him to stay away from my blog! Well I kinda get it... he’s just curious –but still...) so I better watch my mouth... Anyway, we both have to work on our relationship. He has to trust me, and I just got to grow up! I have to take responsibility for my actions –which sucks- and do the laundry once in a while. Then I guess we’ll be fine. Of course I also have to work on my ED recovery and the depression AND the self injury thing! Heh, I guess I better get to work then?

I don’t really obsess over my diet and weight anymore. I still don’t like what I see in the mirror, but I don’t obsess over it like I did for like 6 months ago. I guess that’s a relief. My weight right now is 124.7 (125) so it’s not that bad. I would like to loose... Well... Honestly? It all! (I know it’s unrealistic) Sometimes I only put one foot on the scale and push it a little down just to see how it would feel to weigh a little less. Heh. Stupid? Maybe, but it gives me some kind of pleasure to see 100lbs on the scale...
As you guys can hear, I still think ALOT about weight and how I look –so I’m not completely hole an’ healed but I’m getting there.

Yup. So that’s the scoop.

Tell me how you guys have been doing lately?

Love

The skeleton is out!

Well... He's home and I'm a mess.
I followed Sarah's advice and just told him what the deal was... He just kissed me and asked why I wanted to destroy something so perfect?

Awww... Cute.
We ended up talking all night and he was so supportive! Told me he was goanna be there for me no matter what and said I shouldn’t worry. He also told me to quit lying to him. I guess I understand that… The problem is just… How?

I have to deal with that later. Right now I am on my way to see my therapist. I don’t know what I’m goanna talk about. What I’m goanna tell her… I guess it will come to me.

About food, I haven’t eaten in two days ‘cause I was so nervous!! And I mean HAVE NOT eaten!! That never happens to me? Anyway, I am goanna eat a sandwich from this healthy-healthy store on my way home.
Looking forward to it (they are so good! And there’s a calorie list for everything! ED Mecca-food-store!) –the only thing that sucks is the price… Sur-price.

Love

Just the feel of it!

So yesterday I hit rock bottom. And I hit it real hard girls. I broke a mirror and cut my thighs with the broken pieces. And I even carved a word (cause I’m that creative). LOST. On English even thought that’s kinda tacky when my native language is danish… It just felt right. Fitting. I'd think about slicing my wrists later, but then again… If I died? That would make matters worse for Thomas and my mom and dad would… Well, they’d properly be better of… But… Okay truth? I didn’t have the gut to end my own life. I just carved LOST and drank vodka till my mom’s boyfriend fetched me from my apartment –to drunk to take the bus. Thomas had called them and said I was acting weird on the phone…

All this wasn’t really a reaction to him having to stay longer in China. I kinda figured, since my dad had somewhat the same job, and therefore I knew it always takes longer than expected when you work in the east. I think what triggered it was frustration. Anger. Pain. I felt like I couldn’t take one more second in this world! I felt like a failure at everything -even living. Like if I was a better girlfriend he would have come home! Which is ridicules, I know… Or if I was better looking my mom would accept me and stop bitching about my school, cause then she would think “Oh well at least she got her looks.” Or if I was skinnier my family would recognize that I have a serious eating disorder instead of just ignoring the entire damn thing?!? I hate my family! I hate my school! I hate my boyfriend! Why do I have to love him so much? They all suck!

… No, they just aren’t perfect, I know. I’m just so sick and tired of it all. Is this what life is about? Live, breed kids and die? I mean is this it?! Sometimes I wish I could give my life to someone who would want it. A small happy kid somewhere who has deadly brain cancer… I would trade my shot at life so the kid could live. So it wasn’t wasted you know? Well life is life, and we all have to live it I guess…

By the way thanks for your support girls! You made me real happy when I read the comments! Nice to know that at least I can blog alright and that someone care<3

Love
Cille

POST 100!!!

Wauw... Never thought this bloggin' thing would stick!!
Well it sure did, and I just wanna thank all my readers and followers from stickin' with me for so long.

We are all messed up kids in the same schoolyard...
Anyhow, I am extremely proud of all of you. Wonderful people, inspirational and insightful bloggers and I’m in no doubt that you guys have an ocean of opportunities in front of you! Normally an ED blogger would tell you guys to stay strong -and I will too, but in a very different sense.

The eating disorder has occurred because it had, maybe still do, a purpose. It gave you meaning and would be a friend in dark times... But just remember... Your ED can't solve the things nagging underneath. Because I know that people perhaps find eating disordered superficial, even vain -but this isn't only about loosing weight. Maybe it never was.

I often wonder how my ED became a friend. What she did for me. And I have come to the conclution, that in my case, she was the one who was tough. She took all the negative things and transferred them onto eating habits and goals I could deal with. She still does that, but I don’t need her so much anymore.

I have come to realize I have my family, my sweet loving boyfriend and my friends to take some of my falls –or at least catch me. I don’t want her in my life ‘cause she fucks everything up when it comes to shearing me. She HATES therapy. She dislikes Thomas. She spits on my family and makes me stick my finger down my throat to “make up” for hanging out with my friends. She’s hurting me. Suffecating me in a slow but surely way. I depice her! I hate her! I wanna snap her twiggy neck right here right now! But a part of me can’t let go. What’s goanna happen? I’m goanna get fat!! I am goanna fail in every thing I do if I don’t keep her close! I don’t know what to do on my own..! Those are the terrifying thoughts that pop in my head every session I have with my therapist.

But as time passes, and I get to see all her nasty sides, I can almost imagine my future without her… Thomas and I -engaged, is the clearest picture I have without an eating disorder. And I cling on to that mental image every time she kicks me while I’m down and tells me I’m no good without her. I am not saying that as a description for all ED’ers but that’s the way I see things.

To sum up -my point is, take care. Seek help while you can. And unlike me DON’T let it haunt you for six years. An eating disorder can really fuck things up -even though it comes handy sometimes, it isn’t nearly helping as much as it destroys. Don't waste time like I did. Don't miss the small joys of life. Kiss that boy you’ve always liked, sleep in on Sundays instead of running 3 miles, love your family and talk to them... Don’t hide your pain.

Now enough of my wiseass shit... I love you guys -and I know that's lame since I never met you, but I do somehow. I just want you all to be happy…


This is by the way a piece of my diary (don't ask me why it's in english -just feels natural to me). I sketch my thoughts and try to capture what's going on in my head. To kinda save it for later or maybe even one day show my boyfriend.

>Not at great sketcher - but not horrorble either<

Thats me talking to my ED. We are arguing about treatment and Thomas -aka Thomsen.

Sorry for grammar and all that! I don't have the wonder of spelling control in my head.

Click to enlarge

Love Cille