On the highway to hell

Gosh, where to begin?

First of all, I'm so stressed out about school. Everyone is putting so much weight on my shoulders! Do this, do that, that's not good enough! NOTHING I do is good enough, and it's driving me insane! And the worst part is, there's nobody to blame for my failure than me.
Only I can flip my uselessness into success, I just don't know how?

My new years resolution was to do my best at all times! And you know what? My best just aren’t good enough!!! So what do I do now?


I had the worst day yesterday. I spend the entire day bingeing and purging. About 20 times and that's exclusive all the times I was rinsing... I even puked up a little blood up. I know, gross!! But I guess it was a scratch in the throat more than something serious. I have no idea what set this off. I think it was because I was alone and had purged my anti depressives... Arg. That was hell! I called Thomas, who was in the city with some friends, and told him to come home. I'm really embarrassed now, but I think it was good I got him home, because I was extremely sad and broken.

Today I’m all better but I’m tired and my throat burns. My fingers are chipped with teeth-marks and my face swollen. I hate bulimia. It sucks!


Love

The skeleton is out!

Well... He's home and I'm a mess.
I followed Sarah's advice and just told him what the deal was... He just kissed me and asked why I wanted to destroy something so perfect?

Awww... Cute.
We ended up talking all night and he was so supportive! Told me he was goanna be there for me no matter what and said I shouldn’t worry. He also told me to quit lying to him. I guess I understand that… The problem is just… How?

I have to deal with that later. Right now I am on my way to see my therapist. I don’t know what I’m goanna talk about. What I’m goanna tell her… I guess it will come to me.

About food, I haven’t eaten in two days ‘cause I was so nervous!! And I mean HAVE NOT eaten!! That never happens to me? Anyway, I am goanna eat a sandwich from this healthy-healthy store on my way home.
Looking forward to it (they are so good! And there’s a calorie list for everything! ED Mecca-food-store!) –the only thing that sucks is the price… Sur-price.

Love

Weekend from hell!!

So my grandmother lives on this tiny island, along with 300 other people. The entire family was gathered to spend her 77 years birthday.

She makes the best Danish food in the universe. Of cause I hate her food because everything has either: grease, meat or sugar in it!! God! And she’s always pushing me into taking another plate? Why? I’m not that thin and my cousin weighs like 90lbs!

Okay, so we are sitting around the table, eating, when aunt says something like: “Oh, Cille! You’r getting so tiny!” -Which is totally wrong since I just put on 10lbs! (Don’t you guys just hate when people lie to your face like that?) “Have some more beef. And why aren’t you eating the sauce? You used to love granny's sauce!?” Yada yada yada, I saied: “Oh… You know a girl goatta watch her figure… (Saied the eating disordered ha-ha-hah…)” And then… My scrawny cousin looks up and sais: “Ha! Not me. I couldn’t gain even if I tried to! Blessed with a high metabolism I guess!!” And smiles at me… God. How I wanted to snap that petite neck of hers!

Anyhow, I just ate a little more and then threw up. Repeat at dessert. I hate them all. It’s sad but I do. I’ve always liked being AWAY from family, they make everything difficult and complicated ‘cause “they love you, and just want to help” with everything. The only piece of family I can stand being around for more than four days, is my mom. She’s funny and not so deep. I mean she’s smart alright, but she doesn’t poke her nose in my business. And she doesn’t bug me about my ED even though I’ve told her bits and pieces about it.

Back to the island. My intention was to eat dinner and then get out as fast as possible. But this island is so insignificant, that the bus that takes people from the harbor to the city only goes twice a day! This fact slipped my mind. So when I looked at the clock and was packing my stuff, my granny says that I can’t get off the island!!!!!! Horror!!! Of cause I could sleep on the attic... Freaking creepy. So I spend the night, shivering with cold and trying to remember ghosts aren’t real!!

Now I’m home again. Tired and lazy today. Ate two pieces of wholegrain bred (Rugbrød on Danish!!) with turkey for breakfast –and some M&M’s when I got home. Purged. I’m starving now!! What to eat? I want to eat something gross and greasy and purge, but my teeth are actually getting quite sore from all the stomach acid… Ew. I know. Going to bleach them next week at the dentists.

So thats about it I guess. I miss my boyfriend so insanely!! I'm not made for being without him. Heh. And by the way, thanks for commenting ;)

You know I love it!!

All the best from chilly DKK <3

Cille

My inner thoughts...

These are some of my secrets:




I like the feel of being empty.


Some days I purge everything, just for the "feel" of it. (even water)


9 out of 10 times I fake my orgasm.


I am currently saving up to a boobjob in secrecy.


I wish I could take a knife and cut the fat away.


Once I tried (I have a small scar under my left boob).


I love my anti-depressing pills, cause they make me loose my appetite and they pump me full of energy so I can't sit still (burning more Cals than EVER!).


I have a million rules when I eat.


If I eat a mixed green salad, I eat all the red/yellow first, then dark green then green, so I can see how far I have come then I purge it all up again!


I think school is a waist of time, ‘cause I don't have a future.


I love to see other people eat cake while I'm eating nothing.


I often feed my friends with chocolate or candy, just so I can be thinner...


Every time I go out on the balcony, I feel like jumping. (I live on the 5th floor)


But I can't do it; ‘cause I would look fat to my funereal...


I hate Christmas because of the food...


I don't wanna recover as it is now.


I like my face, but when I look at the rest of me I think; what a waist...


I lie to my boyfriend about what I'v eaten.


I feel excided when I feel faint, ‘cause that means I'm loosing weight.


I hate when people tell me I look thin, cause I don't!!


I'm a little scared of dying, but terrified of gaining another pound!!


I wish I sniff coke so I could loose weight.


I love to shop for shoes, ‘cause you can never look fat in high heels.



I have a lot more, but I can't remember any on the top of my head :)