onsdag den 24. marts 2010

The pool issue...

Yeah, so, summer is right around the corner an we all know that means; sun, flipflops and walking around on the beach or by the pool almost butt-naked! PANIC!!

Last year I whent to Turkey with 7 of my girlfriends. We booked a cheap vacation and decided that this trip was goanna be the best ever and that we were goanna have the time of our lives!
I was a little nervous about having to shear a room with 2 others because of my eating habits, but that part wasn't really a serious issue. All in all it was an amazing vacation.
The bomb first hit me for real when we came home and the pictures were put on Facebook! I saw lard, fat and disgusting breasts all over the photos of me! I was wearing a bikini and having fun in the pool and I looked HUGE! Most of the other girls were skinny and hot on the photos, but me? Well I was just one big blob! EW!

I will NOT let that happen again! This year I want to be comfortable in a bikini. I want to feel sexy and goddessy. I want to see BONES! Ribs, hips, collarbone, shoulders! EVERYTHING!
But of course that's a little too late. As I said, summer is right around the corner and nobody can get skinny that fast and MENTAIN it till and though summer! NOBODY, GIRLS!
Besides, since I'm still in treatment (recovering from an ED) I have signed a piece of paper that basically says: "I will not go on a diet as long as I am in treatment here".
So I train. I train and I train and it’s actually paying off. I can see how my muscles eat the fat and how my stomach is getting flatter by the day! It's really wonderful!
Unfortunately I can't really see a difference on the scale -'cause muscles weigh more that fat- and that fact annoys the hell out of me! But I guess I just have to deal with that.

I have a little thinspo here that helps me get though my training routine tree times a week.

And, yes I realise it's a little morally ambivalent...

Skinny calves
Thin legs (and awsome shoes)
Cute abs

And by the way, what’s your favourite workout? Treadmill? Push ups? Or just all around the fitness centre?
And why?
Love Cille

lørdag den 13. marts 2010

The 1/4 diet?

Have you heard about it?

I was surfing mindlessly around on the web when I bumped into a debate concerning something called: The 1/4 Diet. I got caught -like any diet junkie- by the promise of a new wonder drug and dove, head first, into the debate.
It turned out that the diet is rather simple, and somewhat unintelligent, but quite appealing for someone in my situation. You just eat what you are eating, but in smaller portions. 1/4 of your normal portion in fact.

Stupid right? Or maybe not. I can see the point of cutting down on my portions and I like that nothing is "forbidden". In that sense I could have a little sweet and avoid a horrid binge, and also eliminate a purging 'cause it's "allowed" to eat a tiny bit sweetness.

I can clearly also see the idiotic thing about the "diet" -it depends on what you are eating in the first place, so I don't consider it a real diet. If you are eating unhealthy you can't lose weight by continuing to eat unhealthy! That just bitter logic!

I do eat relatively healthy and harmonic but I tend to overeat because of my bulimia. I always have this thought in the back of my head going: "you can just purge it out later -just go for it! Just this once!" And so I do. I always end up "going for it this once" and I always end up purging -hence bulimia.
So if I want to break the vicious circle I have to do two things.
1) I have to mentally make a choice. 2) I have to actively make the choice.
It's a lot harder than it sounds guys... The mental part is okay, but when I come to the active one I always fall off the wagon.
The only time I don't fall off, is when I'm on a diet!! So if I’m on a diet that helps me achieve the wanted weight AND get rid of my bulimia it's really a win-win situation!! Right?

I think it makes sense… A really fucked up kind of sense –but still- sense.


fredag den 12. marts 2010


Hey girls!!

I just wanted to remind you all to visit my Danish blog!
It's about fashion and of course, about me and my everyday life.
I have no ED stuff written down on there, so if you feel like taking a break from obsessive thoughts about food -swing by!

And the posts are on Danish but if you would like, I can make a short english summery in each post from now on. :)

Oh and I have a small prayer, if you choose to follow on there - which I would utterly adore!!!- Please don't have ribs and collarbones as profile pictures or follow anonymously. I really don't want ANY ED stuff on there, it's my hiding place -sort of, and I want it to be yours too :D

love Cille

SS vs SS

So i was watching the British reality show; supersize vs. superskinny this afternoon. And god, I just realized something horrible! When I look at the extreme bodies -of which the program revolve around, I couldn't help but to compare myself to them.

And of course I don't look exactly like one or the other, but I find that I look more like the supersized ( obese) person than the skinny. Like the way the proportions look and how the fat is placed on my body! Slightly less fat on me, but still... I CAN reflect myself in them! I feel like I'm looking at my worst nightmare!
"This is how you are going to look if you keep putting crap in your mouth!" Ugh.

It's really triggering for me, but I can't stop watching...
Maybe it's because I already feel bad about that carrot cake I ate this morning... Sigh.

All this ED stuff is spinning my head off! I wanna lose weight, but I want to recover from bulimia!
I know, I know, I said this before! But it's really what's bugging me at the moment!

I keep restricting -even though I KNOW it’s bad. I work out 4hours every week –at least. AND I’M STILL GAINING!!!? I’m beginning to get a little desperate… A little too obsessive… Any advice?

Love Cille