Three months

Has it really been tree months since I last posted something about my life?
I guess there hasn't been anything to post. It's so boring being ordenarry. Being sane. Fat.

I got boothed from my job because of cut downs and now I'm unimploied again. BORING!
I'm starting school in January. Single classes to finish my exsam. Yawn.
And, wait for it, I'm super FAT!

I've been in a meditative state theese last months. Not thinking about what I put in my mouth. When to sleep or what to do. Everything has just kinda happened, you know? By it self, and without me knowing, life is just drifting by.

I'm turning 20 in January... Geez I was just getting used to telling people I was 19 and that we are in the 2010!
Soon I'll be 20 and the year'll be 2011...

My life is passing and I do not want to spend my youth on being fat! I can get fat when I'm old and about to die anyway. But not now. Not now when my boobs are still in the upper body area and I'm wrinkle-free.

But I can't do this on my own. I'm too weak alone. I think I need my bulimia to be my trumph. To save me when I screw up -which I will at some point, because... Everybody does... But with a bulimia it's not all or nothing. With that I can have my cake and eat it too -quite litterally.
I feel really disgusted with myself that I'm so greedy!!


Love Cille

The 1/4 diet?

Have you heard about it?

I was surfing mindlessly around on the web when I bumped into a debate concerning something called: The 1/4 Diet. I got caught -like any diet junkie- by the promise of a new wonder drug and dove, head first, into the debate.
It turned out that the diet is rather simple, and somewhat unintelligent, but quite appealing for someone in my situation. You just eat what you are eating, but in smaller portions. 1/4 of your normal portion in fact.

Stupid right? Or maybe not. I can see the point of cutting down on my portions and I like that nothing is "forbidden". In that sense I could have a little sweet and avoid a horrid binge, and also eliminate a purging 'cause it's "allowed" to eat a tiny bit sweetness.

I can clearly also see the idiotic thing about the "diet" -it depends on what you are eating in the first place, so I don't consider it a real diet. If you are eating unhealthy you can't lose weight by continuing to eat unhealthy! That just bitter logic!

I do eat relatively healthy and harmonic but I tend to overeat because of my bulimia. I always have this thought in the back of my head going: "you can just purge it out later -just go for it! Just this once!" And so I do. I always end up "going for it this once" and I always end up purging -hence bulimia.
So if I want to break the vicious circle I have to do two things.
1) I have to mentally make a choice. 2) I have to actively make the choice.
It's a lot harder than it sounds guys... The mental part is okay, but when I come to the active one I always fall off the wagon.
The only time I don't fall off, is when I'm on a diet!! So if I’m on a diet that helps me achieve the wanted weight AND get rid of my bulimia it's really a win-win situation!! Right?

I think it makes sense… A really fucked up kind of sense –but still- sense.

Love

Better late than never

Sorry I’ve been so absent lately darlings –new as old. It’s so fucking hard at the Milestone (ED recovery centre). I HATE it. I dread every Monday ‘cause then I have to step on the scale and face my weigh –which keeps going up at the moment!! Good god I wanna quit!

My depression is really dragging my days down. I have one crappy day after another. And I really don’t get it! I take my pills? I eat? I drink? Stupid thoughts, can’t you just leave me alone!?

I’m scheming against the treatment. I want to loose weight like never before! I just have to STOP telling myself it’s impossible and get on with it!!

Losing weigh and shaping up is easy. Everyone in the world can do it so why not you Cille? Are you really so different? No you aren’t!! It’s a piece of cake, or rather celery in this case. It’s fun and healthy to think about what you eat and do. If you slip, you can get rid of it. But you won’t. You won’t slip. Because you will be orgenised. You WILL BE! You are!!!
What it that? Too pricey to eat healthy and get a personal trainer?? Please is that the best excuse you can come up with? Just don’t buy those Topshop shoes you want next month!!! Isn’t worth it to have a great body? When you get thin you’re goanna look good in a garbage bag!
Are you hungry? Already? But we haven’t even started!! You baby! Think about all the starving people in Haiti?! Oh my god you disgust me… Drink some water you fat cow!
Don’t you wanna be a model? Drop down and give me 20! Where? In the bathroom of course! Thomas won’t get why you do it, he’ll laugh.

Sigh. I feel so conflicted. Can’t I loose weigh AND get rid of my ED? Of course I can! I’m NOT that fucked up!!


Well it’s been a while since I posted my weigh. I guess I’m embarrassed. Here goes nothing: 132lbs / 60kg my BMI is 19,6… AAARG!! I hate seeing it in print! I feel a tight little knot in my tummy just looking at it.

I guess I have to join the gym now. First thing to do when my paycheck comes in the door!!


Love

Things we already knew!

We all know the essential methods of losing weight by now, but I like to have them just to remind me what I can do better! Or just do...




*Before you start a particular workout regime, take a photo of yourself in a bikini. Do this on a weekly basis, as it helps in keeping a check of your waistline. (I find that EXTREAMLY helpful when I feel like I’m getting nowhere with my exacise)

*Hydrating your body is essential and helps you in avoiding certain intakes. Thirst is misunderstood, many a times for hunger. Adequate water and liquids in the diet helps in warding hunger and helps to eliminate wastes and toxins. (we all knew that one)

*Chew well and eat. Proper mastication prevents over eating, as the brain waits to hear the signals from the stomach. As the hunger pangs are removed, the brain receives a stop signal from the stomach. (no news there)

*A coffee or diet beverages help to postpone hunger.

*Supermodel diet tips comprise of tomatoes, apples, lettuce and diet coke. (Cool so does mine! Then why am I fat?)

*Green tea or plain tea helps in eliminating your hunger, in a temporary manner.

*Avoid deep fat frying. Baking, boiling, grilling, stewing, micro waving and pressure cooking are the best methods of cooking.

*A healthy breakfast is the right way to start your day. Skipping breakfast increases the pangs of hunger by the end of the day. (blahblah blah)

*Skinless poultry, fish and lean meat are recommended animal foods.

*Freshly cut fruits and vegetables are healthy snacks. (well daah)

*Saturated and Trans fats namely, margarine, butter, clarified butter are replaced by vegetable oils, such as olive, flaxseed, safflower and sunflower oil.

*Drinking lemon infused water is not only refreshing but is far healthier than calorie filled beverages. Other options include adding citrus fruits or a splash of juice in the water, drinking infused teas such as mango and peach tea that is loaded with flavor but with very few calories.

*Remember what you can add to your diet instead of what must be taken away. Firstly stay focused on getting the recommended five to six servings of fresh fruits and vegetables every day. This can help you in not only meeting your fiber goals but also help you feel more satisfied from the volume of fresh food that you consume.



And if you eat something naughty, you can just stick you fingers down you're throat and puke till you're thin...

(been there, done that)




Christ.

I'm grumpy today. I think it's 'cause I had cake yesterday and didn't do anything about it.



Bad girl!

Love

On the highway to hell

Gosh, where to begin?

First of all, I'm so stressed out about school. Everyone is putting so much weight on my shoulders! Do this, do that, that's not good enough! NOTHING I do is good enough, and it's driving me insane! And the worst part is, there's nobody to blame for my failure than me.
Only I can flip my uselessness into success, I just don't know how?

My new years resolution was to do my best at all times! And you know what? My best just aren’t good enough!!! So what do I do now?


I had the worst day yesterday. I spend the entire day bingeing and purging. About 20 times and that's exclusive all the times I was rinsing... I even puked up a little blood up. I know, gross!! But I guess it was a scratch in the throat more than something serious. I have no idea what set this off. I think it was because I was alone and had purged my anti depressives... Arg. That was hell! I called Thomas, who was in the city with some friends, and told him to come home. I'm really embarrassed now, but I think it was good I got him home, because I was extremely sad and broken.

Today I’m all better but I’m tired and my throat burns. My fingers are chipped with teeth-marks and my face swollen. I hate bulimia. It sucks!


Love