mandag den 29. juni 2009

Disturbing fact

The day started out perfectly. I had just stocked my latest Marc Jacobs swimsuit in my new walk-in closet and I felt… Happy. I felt like (for once) that I could take on the world!
That is, until I clicked on to the internet and searched after some new exercises… The disturbing fact that I was blissfully unaware of, hit me like a train! It said, in an article on (fitness homepage), that what ever belly excise you do –doesn’t effect directly on the belly fat! I repeat, SIT-UPS DOES NOT HELP DIRECTLY ON THE BELLY FAT?? Did anybody here know that? Well, I sure as hell didn’t!

To burn belly fat you just have to burn fat total. Sit-ups trains the stomach mussels, but they have no directly effect on the fat around? Isn’t it weird? I mean, all the crushes I have done every morning and every night has been… Not useless… But still, misguided! I love to jump on the trampoline (it’s hilarious!), and I hate doing sit-ups, and in all this time I could have done a program I love instead, and get the same training!! ARG!!

I don’t know why this has had such an impact on me. I could feel my tears burning behind my lids, all because of an article about fat? Sigh. Maybe the reason to my emotional outburst lays in what my life really is about. I mean… Right now, my entire life is about training and food! And I can’t trust food but at least training? Apparently not…

tirsdag den 23. juni 2009

Lazy whore...

That is what I am. I am lazy and I understand why people recent me... God. I feel so low. I have stopped going to partys (cause of the beer), I'v stopped going out with my girls (cause of the food) and I'v stopped visiting my family (cause of thir never closing judging eyes...) I have become an asocial lazy food whore.

All I do is doing situps and avoiding the fridge... I could not dwell in more selfloathing then I am right now...

fredag den 12. juni 2009

What do you think?

I feel like, when I look at my blog, that something is missing. My language is a little childish, the layout is somehow dull and the posts are shallow and flat out boring!

Do you find it boring too? And if so, what can I do to make this blog better and more appealing?

Love Cille

mandag den 8. juni 2009

To be, or not to be hungry...

... That is the question.

I lost weight! I am down to 125.2lbs. I don’t really trust my scale though… It isn’t giving me different numbers or anything, but I don’t look like a 124 girl! I am 4 pounds from my dream weight, but far from my dream body? Whaaat!? Shouldn’t it be the same? Apparently it isn’t.

Today I am goanna join a gym. I normally keep a good distance to the gym (all the people are already thin in there!). But it isn’t working to do sit-up and back lifts all day at home. I need something harder. Something more aggressive! And maybe even a new goal.

I started on a new diet called the “juice me up” diet. You eat one small meal every day and drink nothing but juice besides that. Every day of the week is a different type of juice. Mm. And the meals are like 10g of low fat cream-cheese on two rice crackers. Ha! Easy-cheesy.

Had so far:

One strawberry and blueberry smoothie = 128Cal
Two carrots with dip = 86Cal
One (blue) grape and watermelon juice = 180Cal
Aaand WATER! About 2L now.

onsdag den 3. juni 2009

A girl's willpower is defined by the size of her waist

Indeed it is.
Today I am stu-dying to my oral exam on the 9th. It’s really exhausting to study and dealing with a bitchy ED at the same time. But the “good” thing is that I am all alone, so I can do what ever I want without causing a scene. Normally I don’t go all bulimic when somebody is around. I would hate if someone heard me through up in the bathroom. I mean, it’s gross! But since I live with my boyfriend it’s really hard to eat around him, knowing I can’t cleanse myself afterwards…

Just last night we had Mexican food (Which is my primary binging food) and suddenly I couldn’t touch the danm thing in front of me! I was literally paralyzed! And then T said: “Babe what’s wrong? Are you worried about the calories?” In my head my response was “HELL YEARH YOU IDIOT! I HAVE AN EATING DESORDER!!” But of cause I didn’t say anything. I just starred at the food and I saw it go cold. I saw all the grease and fat swimming in that taco and I was seriously about to vomit.

I ran across the kitchen and out to the bathroom. I tied my hair up and opened the gates for, what I assume only could be stomach acid. It burned all the way up and when it was done I could feel how my heart raced in my chest.

Afterwards I stayed at the bathroom, crying my eyes out, for about an hour. T was standing outside the bathroom the entire time, trying to comfort me trough the door. I got up and went to the kitchen again. I tried to eat a piece of cucumber but while I did it I couldn’t stop crying. Tears were soundlessly running down my face while I finished the taco.

That was really the first time I felt so twisted about food (and let it out in front of someone.) I wonder if I am still doing this to loose weight or if I am punishing myself for never being good enough. Hmm… And do I ever really want to recover? Those are the questions I deal with together with my studies and my hunger pains.

Life is cruel.

tirsdag den 2. juni 2009

A balanced diet is a piece of chocolate cake in each hand

Right in front of me there is a cupcake.
A sweet sugary cupcake filled with calories and fat.
I want to dump it in the trash, but something is holding me back.

My mom baked that cupcake for me. She broke her back to bake me and T a basked full of delicious cupcakes. And besides, they look so pretty and innocent wrapped in transparent cellophane. I haven’t tasted them yet. I haven’t even liked the frosting off or eaten the marshmallow sprinkle. Yet. I haven’t done that because I know how weak I am, and I know if I eat one… It can only go down hill from there. God help me.

I feel like crying -maybe even screaming. Not because of a stupid cupcake, but because of all that the cupcake stands for; Defeat, humiliation, weakness, self-loathing, hate, anger, pain and the fact that I have been beaten (yet again) by a cupcake?! The fact that I will never reach my goal and forever be the chunky girl with a pretty face haunts me in that cupcake. I have no clue why I feel so utterly frustrated with a cupcake. If I was a normal person I would have just eaten that silly cupcake and never given it another thought, but I am no ordinary person, I have an ED and she is forcing me to think about that SILLY STUPID CUPCAKE ALL FREAKING DAY LONG!!

Jez… I am so hungry right now.

All I have had yesterday and today is tree smoothies and a cherry. I am goanna binge soon… I feel it in my heart.

Mmmh dr. Shepherd;)

Isn't he dreamy?