Today I am stu-dying to my oral exam on the 9th. It’s really exhausting to study and dealing with a bitchy ED at the same time. But the “good” thing is that I am all alone, so I can do what ever I want without causing a scene. Normally I don’t go all bulimic when somebody is around. I would hate if someone heard me through up in the bathroom. I mean, it’s gross! But since I live with my boyfriend it’s really hard to eat around him, knowing I can’t cleanse myself afterwards…
Just last night we had Mexican food (Which is my primary binging food) and suddenly I couldn’t touch the danm thing in front of me! I was literally paralyzed! And then T said: “Babe what’s wrong? Are you worried about the calories?” In my head my response was “HELL YEARH YOU IDIOT! I HAVE AN EATING DESORDER!!” But of cause I didn’t say anything. I just starred at the food and I saw it go cold. I saw all the grease and fat swimming in that taco and I was seriously about to vomit.
I ran across the kitchen and out to the bathroom. I tied my hair up and opened the gates for, what I assume only could be stomach acid. It burned all the way up and when it was done I could feel how my heart raced in my chest.
Afterwards I stayed at the bathroom, crying my eyes out, for about an hour. T was standing outside the bathroom the entire time, trying to comfort me trough the door. I got up and went to the kitchen again. I tried to eat a piece of cucumber but while I did it I couldn’t stop crying. Tears were soundlessly running down my face while I finished the taco.
That was really the first time I felt so twisted about food (and let it out in front of someone.) I wonder if I am still doing this to loose weight or if I am punishing myself for never being good enough. Hmm… And do I ever really want to recover? Those are the questions I deal with together with my studies and my hunger pains.