Better late than never

Sorry I’ve been so absent lately darlings –new as old. It’s so fucking hard at the Milestone (ED recovery centre). I HATE it. I dread every Monday ‘cause then I have to step on the scale and face my weigh –which keeps going up at the moment!! Good god I wanna quit!

My depression is really dragging my days down. I have one crappy day after another. And I really don’t get it! I take my pills? I eat? I drink? Stupid thoughts, can’t you just leave me alone!?

I’m scheming against the treatment. I want to loose weight like never before! I just have to STOP telling myself it’s impossible and get on with it!!

Losing weigh and shaping up is easy. Everyone in the world can do it so why not you Cille? Are you really so different? No you aren’t!! It’s a piece of cake, or rather celery in this case. It’s fun and healthy to think about what you eat and do. If you slip, you can get rid of it. But you won’t. You won’t slip. Because you will be orgenised. You WILL BE! You are!!!
What it that? Too pricey to eat healthy and get a personal trainer?? Please is that the best excuse you can come up with? Just don’t buy those Topshop shoes you want next month!!! Isn’t worth it to have a great body? When you get thin you’re goanna look good in a garbage bag!
Are you hungry? Already? But we haven’t even started!! You baby! Think about all the starving people in Haiti?! Oh my god you disgust me… Drink some water you fat cow!
Don’t you wanna be a model? Drop down and give me 20! Where? In the bathroom of course! Thomas won’t get why you do it, he’ll laugh.

Sigh. I feel so conflicted. Can’t I loose weigh AND get rid of my ED? Of course I can! I’m NOT that fucked up!!


Well it’s been a while since I posted my weigh. I guess I’m embarrassed. Here goes nothing: 132lbs / 60kg my BMI is 19,6… AAARG!! I hate seeing it in print! I feel a tight little knot in my tummy just looking at it.

I guess I have to join the gym now. First thing to do when my paycheck comes in the door!!


Love

On the highway to hell

Gosh, where to begin?

First of all, I'm so stressed out about school. Everyone is putting so much weight on my shoulders! Do this, do that, that's not good enough! NOTHING I do is good enough, and it's driving me insane! And the worst part is, there's nobody to blame for my failure than me.
Only I can flip my uselessness into success, I just don't know how?

My new years resolution was to do my best at all times! And you know what? My best just aren’t good enough!!! So what do I do now?


I had the worst day yesterday. I spend the entire day bingeing and purging. About 20 times and that's exclusive all the times I was rinsing... I even puked up a little blood up. I know, gross!! But I guess it was a scratch in the throat more than something serious. I have no idea what set this off. I think it was because I was alone and had purged my anti depressives... Arg. That was hell! I called Thomas, who was in the city with some friends, and told him to come home. I'm really embarrassed now, but I think it was good I got him home, because I was extremely sad and broken.

Today I’m all better but I’m tired and my throat burns. My fingers are chipped with teeth-marks and my face swollen. I hate bulimia. It sucks!


Love

Wrap me in cotton

Trying to stay sane proved to be a harder job than I expected. My sanity is hanging by the thread. Had a blackout today -don’t know what caused it… The room suddenly seemed so big and cold. First blurry, then black. And then I was out. When came to my senses I was laying on the floor and had a big bump on my forehead. Aw.

I told Thomas off… Yelled and told him to mind his own business. That was really shitty of me ‘cause he hadn’t done anything wrong! Sorry Thomsen… I’m just over my edge.

Cut myself in the shower… My left upper-inner thigh… And I did it on purpose. I slashed the blade right across the skin and saw the red pearls form from the cut. Saw the blood run down my leg and blend with the hot water on the floor… I felt so much better in that second.

I weigh 127,34lbs today
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.

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Cille

Life gives me lemons

... At the moment.

So listen to my terrific morning -she said. Her voice thick with sarcasm.
Lately I'm having trouble sleeping, so I when to bed at like 4.23 pm or whatever, and was planning to get up at 6 so I could get ready for school. I wake up and snooze the darn thing. I just felt so tired. Fell lightly asleep (the kinda sleep you know you goanna wake up from soon) and after a while I woke to check the time -it suddenly felt like a lot of snoozing! I look at the timer and it is passed 8!! FUCK! I think to myself "fuck it anyway, I need sleep to function..." Even though I feel a small spike of guild in the pit of my stomach I close my eyes.

So I fall asleep for the last time, and my mom (god bless her by the way) asks me why I’m not getting ready for school. I yell at her and say that it's too late! I overslept! Game over! She looks at me and sighs... No? It's like 7.30?

(Confused that I can mistake an entire hour? Well winter time is upon us… So I sat my clock an hour forward… Unfortunately my clever high-tech phone already did that -all by it self, so when my alarm when off… IT WAS FUCKING FIVE IN THE FUCKING MORNING! No wonder I was so tired? I only slept 30 minutes!!!!)

My reaction must have been priceless. "WHAT!?" In that word I fall out of the bed -face first.

Never the less I get dressed like a tornado. Got some basic make up on and zipped my new boots. I was on my way.

I asked my step-dad if I could borrow his bike ('cause my mom's bike is stolen and mine is.. Well.. Not here.) He said "sure." I said "great"...

Ran down to fetch the bike from the basement (which it's quite hard with 6 inch stilettos) got the stupid bike and I was READY! Still 10 minutes on the clock -I could just make it!

But here's the thing; my step-dad's bike is a man-bike. You cannot, I repeat, YOU CANNOT go on board on this bike like a lady. You have to swing your god damn leg backwards like a russian ballerina to even get on that crap ass bike!!! Shit! But I managed...

Hard parts over… Right? WONG! Even with my highest shoes I can't reach the fucking ground... I try to break. I can't. I panic. The bike is rolling on to the road. FEAR! Ice cold fear strikes me. I try to get off. Can't. Falling.

So I fell. With my new shoes. They are so messed up now! How am I EVER goanna get them clean!??!?! Scratches everywhere!!!

Oh... And by the way. I broke my foot in the process. Jep… Fucking BROKE my god damn foot...

Fucking fantastic. Life gives me lemons an' I suck RIGHT into them!!!

Ouch...

Ah, to be honest I haven’t seen the doctor yet but my mom says it might be worse than it look. I don’t hope so… Otherwise I can’t wear my new boots!!

Just for the record -my mom is an angel. When she saw me in the doorway with black mascara smudged around my tear-filled eyes and holding my left boot in the hand, all she did was help me in and stroke my hair… While I cried my eyes out over nothing.

And I don't cry so often...

I don’t know… I just feel extremely delicate at the moment. Like all my skin is burned off and left my nerves exposed. Everything gets to me. EVERYTHING! My mom ran down to 7-11 and got me a magazine, some coke zero and diet candy… = Angel.

Love Cille

Weekend from hell!!

So my grandmother lives on this tiny island, along with 300 other people. The entire family was gathered to spend her 77 years birthday.

She makes the best Danish food in the universe. Of cause I hate her food because everything has either: grease, meat or sugar in it!! God! And she’s always pushing me into taking another plate? Why? I’m not that thin and my cousin weighs like 90lbs!

Okay, so we are sitting around the table, eating, when aunt says something like: “Oh, Cille! You’r getting so tiny!” -Which is totally wrong since I just put on 10lbs! (Don’t you guys just hate when people lie to your face like that?) “Have some more beef. And why aren’t you eating the sauce? You used to love granny's sauce!?” Yada yada yada, I saied: “Oh… You know a girl goatta watch her figure… (Saied the eating disordered ha-ha-hah…)” And then… My scrawny cousin looks up and sais: “Ha! Not me. I couldn’t gain even if I tried to! Blessed with a high metabolism I guess!!” And smiles at me… God. How I wanted to snap that petite neck of hers!

Anyhow, I just ate a little more and then threw up. Repeat at dessert. I hate them all. It’s sad but I do. I’ve always liked being AWAY from family, they make everything difficult and complicated ‘cause “they love you, and just want to help” with everything. The only piece of family I can stand being around for more than four days, is my mom. She’s funny and not so deep. I mean she’s smart alright, but she doesn’t poke her nose in my business. And she doesn’t bug me about my ED even though I’ve told her bits and pieces about it.

Back to the island. My intention was to eat dinner and then get out as fast as possible. But this island is so insignificant, that the bus that takes people from the harbor to the city only goes twice a day! This fact slipped my mind. So when I looked at the clock and was packing my stuff, my granny says that I can’t get off the island!!!!!! Horror!!! Of cause I could sleep on the attic... Freaking creepy. So I spend the night, shivering with cold and trying to remember ghosts aren’t real!!

Now I’m home again. Tired and lazy today. Ate two pieces of wholegrain bred (Rugbrød on Danish!!) with turkey for breakfast –and some M&M’s when I got home. Purged. I’m starving now!! What to eat? I want to eat something gross and greasy and purge, but my teeth are actually getting quite sore from all the stomach acid… Ew. I know. Going to bleach them next week at the dentists.

So thats about it I guess. I miss my boyfriend so insanely!! I'm not made for being without him. Heh. And by the way, thanks for commenting ;)

You know I love it!!

All the best from chilly DKK <3

Cille

(?)

I have kept my "purging" to a minimum this weekend... I feel... Angry and proud at the same time? Angry because my ED is angry, I guess. And proud because that’s a step forward in my path to recovery...

All these emotions are making me crazy! They are pulling me in two different directions. My ED is almost ripping my arm off! Everything I put in my mouth is criticized and disapproved, and in the end often purged. Sigh. She’s too strong sometimes (by she I mean my ED) so I just give up and let her “do her thing”.
The other me (the non-ED part) is applauding every time I eat something we both can live with –like a celery stick, ‘cause then I don’t have to fight that much to keep it down.

I don’t know if any of this makes sense to you guys.

But it’s driving me insane and the only thing that helps is talking to my psychologist -and of cause posting here on the blog. It’s helping me blow off all the steam!

So thanks guys!! I love you all!

XOXO

Cille

Nothing I wouldn't give...

There are so many thin people in the world… Its unbearable.

Just make me thin?

Is that too much to ask for?