Wauw... Never thought this bloggin' thing would stick!!Well it sure did, and I just wanna thank all my readers and followers from stickin' with me for so long.
We are all messed up kids in the same schoolyard...
Anyhow, I am extremely proud of all of you. Wonderful people, inspirational and insightful bloggers and I’m in no doubt that you guys have an ocean of opportunities in front of you! Normally an ED blogger would tell you guys to stay strong -and I will too, but in a very different sense.
The eating disorder has occurred because it had, maybe still do, a purpose. It gave you meaning and would be a friend in dark times... But just remember... Your ED can't solve the things nagging underneath. Because I know that people perhaps find eating disordered superficial, even vain -but this isn't only about loosing weight. Maybe it never was.
I often wonder how my ED became a friend. What she did for me. And I have come to the conclution, that in my case, she was the one who was tough. She took all the negative things and transferred them onto eating habits and goals I could deal with. She still does that, but I don’t need her so much anymore.
I have come to realize I have my family, my sweet loving boyfriend and my friends to take some of my falls –or at least catch me. I don’t want her in my life ‘cause she fucks everything up when it comes to shearing me. She HATES therapy. She dislikes Thomas. She spits on my family and makes me stick my finger down my throat to “make up” for hanging out with my friends. She’s hurting me. Suffecating me in a slow but surely way. I depice her! I hate her! I wanna snap her twiggy neck right here right now! But a part of me can’t let go. What’s goanna happen? I’m goanna get fat!! I am goanna fail in every thing I do if I don’t keep her close! I don’t know what to do on my own..! Those are the terrifying thoughts that pop in my head every session I have with my therapist.
But as time passes, and I get to see all her nasty sides, I can almost imagine my future without her… Thomas and I -engaged, is the clearest picture I have without an eating disorder. And I cling on to that mental image every time she kicks me while I’m down and tells me I’m no good without her. I am not saying that as a description for all ED’ers but that’s the way I see things.
To sum up -my point is, take care. Seek help while you can. And unlike me DON’T let it haunt you for six years. An eating disorder can really fuck things up -even though it comes handy sometimes, it isn’t nearly helping as much as it destroys. Don't waste time like I did. Don't miss the small joys of life. Kiss that boy you’ve always liked, sleep in on Sundays instead of running 3 miles, love your family and talk to them... Don’t hide your pain.
Now enough of my wiseass shit... I love you guys -and I know that's lame since I never met you, but I do somehow. I just want you all to be happy…
This is by the way a piece of my diary (don't ask me why it's in english -just feels natural to me). I sketch my thoughts and try to capture what's going on in my head. To kinda save it for later or maybe even one day show my boyfriend.
>Not at great sketcher - but not horrorble either<
Thats me talking to my ED. We are arguing about treatment and Thomas -aka Thomsen.
Sorry for grammar and all that! I don't have the wonder of spelling control in my head.
Love Cille
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