søndag den 12. september 2010

The conscious camillion

Do you ever feel restlessly numb?
Like your soul's been shot up on a mix between horse tranquilliser and speed.
Or is that just me?

It's like this; I want to feel something so bad that I'm pushing myself through emotions that aren't even real!
Last night I watched P.s. I love you -which is a pretty emotional movie, and I put myself so much in the place of the protagonist that I cried 30 minutes after the credits had rolled! I wandered around the apartment, sobbing and didn't sleep until around half past three in the morning because I felt my "beautiful Irish husband had died"...
And this tendency to overly react to unreal situations is really becoming my (quite unwanted) trademark. I've done this since... Forever, I guess, when I think about it.

I think I was about 6 the first time it happened. I was mindlessly scanning the telly for Cartoon Network to see what time it was (I estimated my time through cartoons -power puff girls = early morning, Tom and Jerry = late afternoon, Dexter = dinnertime) when I hit an old TCN war movie that caught my eye.
It was two soldiers in the middle of the icy woods of (I suppose) Russia. It was dead quiet and snowing in this scene and one of the soldier's legs were missing. His comrade hugged his upper body while the legless guy screamed in pain. In that moment I could feel how the ice and snow was gnawing into the leftover stumps of thigh. I could feel the despair of being all alone and helpless in the cold. And, it felt like I was going to fall apart.
Tears came streaming down my face like never before and I cried out all the emotions that had so suddenly washed over me.

Wow, such an odd memory... And I remember every detail about it. The smell, the bad reception, my sweet Mom striding across the living room with confused eyes.

If I ever write a self-biography (a reflection of Cecilie Pedersen -a spiteful and spacey bulimic) that memory will evidently take up a chapter.



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