mandag den 24. august 2009

The Milestone

Yesterday was the day my "word" crumbled.
I was confronted with all of my worst fears and I had to talk about the horrors of my everyday. (BTW, my spelling control is down so sorry for the shitty gramma!)

The morning where my "prior(?) conversation" was scheduled to, I woke up at 4.37 am. My eyes flew open and from that second on I couldn't sleep anymore. My first thourght was: "Fuck. Today is Monday..." I walked into the kitchen and made a BIG cup of tea to ease my nerves. Unfortunately nothiong seemed to work. My boyfrind, who had agreed to take me to the center, woke up at seven. I rushed him trough his breakfast and literally pushed him out the door. I really just wanted "this" to be over with!!

The closer we came to "Gentofte"(a citypart where The Milestone where), the more shallow became my breathing. Thomas didn't understand what all the fuss was about. He is so "man-stupid" sometimes. Anyway, my head was spinning and I felt like my heart would stop any second. It was horrorble!!

I stood infront of the center in 20 minuts -Gathering the pieces of courage I had left. I whent inside and as I sat down in the waiting room my eyes overflooded with tears. Normally I NEVER cry in public, but I just felt so overwhelmed by the reality of it all. The realization hit me like a train. "I HAVE A PROBLEM AND I NEED HELP TO LIVE MY LIFE!" I am a crazy person. I am mental. A loone! So I cried and cried until the psychologist came to get me.

She told me about the place and about the ED. She eksplained that I had to write a food-diary every day and then afterwards I would have to bring it to "group" where we would talk about it. FUCK!!! A freaking food-diary!? I understand why... It's just... I don't want that people know what I eat and when!! She also told me that every time we would meet from now on, I would have to be weighted in my underwear!! I cried agian and told her I wasn't ready for THAT, but she just told me that I was never going to be ready unless I faught for it. After that she asked me a bunch of questions and nodded as I answered. Some of the questions were quite hard to answer, you know, about my ED-story and suicide... Sigh...

All in all it wasn't that scary. She was really nice and told me a lot I didn't know about my ED. But I still don't know if I hope I get in... I mean of course I want to get better, but my ED doesn't... If you guys know what I mean.

So that was my newest highlight of my life. I hope you can understand my pointe even though my spelling sucks! Heh.
And sorry for not opdating so often anymore, just started in school again :)


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