W I L D

Update from space! Sorry sorry for not being committed to blogging these past few weeks! My life has been CRAZY! Crazy I tell yer’! I’ve been spending every waken moment with my sweet but slightly paranoid boyfriend. It’s by the way so so nice to have him home. Just to fall asleep in his warm embrace is bliss, but enough about that. Everything else has been HELL! My temper. My body. My hair. My school. My home!! Everything is ether falling apart or falling out. I am officially down to my “goal” weight once more: 120lbs. But I don’t feel any bit of excitement. I feel the exact opposite. My body keeps on losing weight but it still doesn’t look like the way I want! (Classic ED problem –I know…) It’s so depressing!

At the moment I am eating “normal” – that means tree times a day and about 900calories, but I don’t feel applied too food at all? I hate that I need to eat to function. I want to feel horrible cause’ I “deserve” to be in pain –You know?

I have been in therapy for about six months and it’s really pissing me off that I’m not even close to being better. I’m still unbelievably self-destructive. I still have a serious eating disorder. I’m still depressed and slightly suicidal and therefore a loser. It’s just so frustrating!! Aren’t I supposed to be all “rainbows and lollypops” by now? I don’t understand why I can’t get the ED voices outta my head! They have changed, yes, but not to the better… Before it was kinda a scream in my ear, telling me what to do. But now it’s like an unnoticed whisper. I just “do” ED stuff without even giving it a second thought? Like a habit or a ritual.

The other day I was hanging out at my mom’s and we watched some random show on the tv. We were like 40min. in the show when she asked me to sit still. Until then I hadn’t even noticed that I was doing butt-clenches. Heh, it sound kinda comical, but at my worst phase in my ED I had this rule about never to sit still. Always always DO something! Every calorie counts!! It really surprised me how my subconscious just “remembered” that rule and started doing it without me being directly aware of it??

I don’t know what’s going on with my ED or my body at the moment. It’s like it is running wild!!

Love to my girls