Wish I was at the Bahamas

God I hate testes. I don’t understand why my future depends on a test that lasts 30 minutes!!
Sorry for not posting so much as I used to, but the exams are killing me. Today I didn’t go to a test-test (To try how it is to take a test before the “real” test) because I think its stupid, and guess what, it was a big deal! I hate school I hate testes and I must suddenly hate everything today!!
I have eaten a quick noodle and a piece of bread so far = 200Cal and I drank tree cups of tea (1x LAX and 2x green tea) I gained weight again.

Oh and the other day I was looking at some old pictures of me as a kid, and god I was so fat! I hate pictures… Sigh… I am having a bad day.

And I knnow Im not making that much sence...

Two-faced

So I started seeing a shrink named Tina. She is so nice and really lovely to be around. She listens to all my crazy stories and I tell her about the way I see the world and food. It is really amazing how a conversation can be such a relief, like I am letting my insane secrets out, but not to the people I don’t want to know. I thought about posting some of those secrets out here, I mean, it’s not like I have anything to loose on my blog. I already seem a bit crazy.


I see myself as two persons. The first one is Cille. She’s a happy outgoing girl, who want's to eat cookies. And then there is Her. The ED. (Lets call her Edi, just to avoid any Confusion.) She is all the fear and pain in my life. It’s her who decide if I am goanna eat or not. I wake up every morning, brush my teeth, pee and get on the scale. The second I see the numbers forming on the scale I can feel both of my personalities cheering for a low number (for different reasons). And if the number is (considering the circumstances) low, the happy Cille gets the wheel most of the day. She eats almost like a normal person! But, if the number is slightly higher, Edi is captain of my eating habits.

She can be a real bitch, saying horrible things to me and give me fake promises about my future. She could say, “You are so fat and disgusting. You make me sick! If you get thin everybody is goanna love you. YOU COULD BE A MODEL!! Or rich!! All you have to do is… Get thin as a stick!” I hate her! I would wish her away if I could.

Or would I? She is my best friend and my worst enemy. She understands me; she listens to me and comforts me when I’m alone. She is mine, she’s me.
It sounds a bit out there. Trust me I know hehe, but she is really the only thing that can show me the way to 100lbs… So I am goanna keep her close to me. Just a bit longer...

The girl I addore

She is who I want to be. She’s slender, rich, pretty, smart, trendy and healthy. And super sweet. Sigh. I hate her… No I don’t, because she’s so darn sweet I can’t hate her! Crap!

I am sitting, on my day off, in my “cozy” chair and typing on my computer, while she’s out running or something… God I wish I could get one of those new high-tech brain chips to motivate fat people to enjoy physical exercises. God I hate exercises! I hate going to the gym. Not so much because the training is hard - more because of all the people. They can see my flabby fat jingle when I run, or see me sweat like a pig! So to spare the public I mostly just do my routine -morning and evening on my living room carpet. 100 crunches/sit-ups, 20X4 butt lifts, 50 chest lifts and 10 pull-ups. Jep, then a shower and a steamy green tea afterwards. God I love routines sometimes. Everything seems so simple if it’s the same. Right? Or is it just me?

Anyway, She is ALWAYS the one who suggests a trip to the beach or a to go and hang out in the gym. My life would just be so much easier if I loved to run or had money for a personal trainer! Just like her! ARG!

Be thinspired <3

(click to enlarge)

Sweden

Yesterday I went with my mom, her boyfriend and my boyfriend on a one-day shopping trip to Sweden. Because of the crises the Swedish crone is so low that the shopping possibilities are eternal! I spend about 2000kr (that’s like 350$) on shoes and dresses that would cost 25% more in Denmark. I was totally high on how much money I saved when I was on my way home with 10 bags filled with must-haves!


I didn’t eat anything the entire day! The only calories I think did any damage were a low-fat ice coffee. It was such a lovely trip! And on top of it all, I could fit a size 36 (US 6)! Do you guys know just how long it has been since I could fit in a size 6!? I was 13-14 years old!!

Wow… I am so blissful.



Nothing can bring me down today ether. The scale still shows 129lbs!! Since I started blogging I have lost 14lbs. But it isn't enough! I need to shed 30lbs more to be my dream weight 99lbs! Mm, but I feel closer to my goal than ever.



Just keep going!! Never stand still!!

An experience I’ll never forget

I started my day by getting out of bed. Brushed my teeth, washed my hair and eat 2 diet pills and 3 “beauty” pills. I got dressed (a bit too fancy) and then I was off. I had enough time to stop and get myself a cup of coffee to-go so I ordered a big black coffee! MMH! Nice! But suddenly it hit me that I actually didn’t know where to go! I had the address and I had been there for casting, but at that time my boyfriend drove me on his Vesper.
Okay, I had 15 minutes to get to a place I have no orientation of. I have high heels on and rain is poring down. I panicky run to get a cap. Next problem… The sons of Bitches don’t take Visa Electron! I run 400m to the bank and withdraw 500kr (that’s like 60 bucks), and sprint to get a new cap. Hallelujah! I am in a cab, dry safe and finally comfy. “Take me to Regne-street! And STEP ON IT!” The cabdriver looks at like I’m completely out of my mind. “Well miss… That’s like just around the corner…” I couldn’t believe it! I said he could just take me there anyway, and so he did.

I arrived in perfect time and gracefully out of a taxi, heh.
The first person I meet to work on my hair is Takashi Kurokawa. He is an excellent colorist from Japan. He was so sweet and happy to begin on my hair. I told him that I was a color-virgin, and we decided to just lighten my roots a bit with some light stripes. Meanwhile Takashi messed with my hair a young girl (my age) asked the entire staff if she could get us any from Starbucks. I just asked for a green tea (didn’t want to… be a burden), but everyone else was just like ice-coffee, smoothie, latte and everything you could imagine. Fortunately I didn’t have to pay THAT bill!

The colors were amazing! Devine! I still love them, even the day after styling. So the next person I meet is Kei (Keisuke Terada). He was so marvelous to work with! He cut my hair with the greatest care. I have never experienced anything like that. Sweet, warm, precise and just brilliant!
After the “normal” basics he began to style me –gluing natural-hair pieces on me to give me a bit thicker hair. He’d later put some crazy colored pieces in between. Than he curled it all up, in a very abnormal way I guess, cause’ all the other hairdressers stopped and gathered around to look at his technique. Then I ran around, with my hair pinned up in curls, to try dresses, shoes and get my make up done. So much fun! Later he took all the pins out and back combed it. When he was done I had SO big hair, I couldn’t even get the original dress off to change into another (the dresses was a mess! Nothing fit, and it was so awful! Couture! I hate it from now on!).
Then I waited, and waited, and waited, until it finally became my turn. I stepped out in the spotlight and walked the runway!! When I was done I could feel the complete high rushing trough my body. Sigh. It really was an experience I’ll never forget.

When the show was over, Kei took out all the crazy colored hair pieces out and let me keep the pretty thickening ones in. I later found out that the entire thing was to lance the brand WAM here in DK. I even meet the two hair artistes that made the brand. Neil Moodie and Paul Windle -both very nice. Neil was a total nut in a really charming way! So anyway, I just took the last hair pieces out and I am goanna get some Pepsi Max!

(above) Thats Takashi

And me + Kei (and I am NOT fat, the cardigan is too big)


Thats a sweet girl and the one in pink is Mia, she does brilliant updos!

MY HAIR! Before combing it out. hehe

Me on the phone

More info about the staff go to http://www.windlehair.com/ :D

MODEL?! ME?!

I was walking down the main shopping street, alone, in CPH. It was Friday and unbelievable good weather. The street was packed with people. I was wearing some ripped blue shorts from second hand, a baggy micro-flower top from Zara, a new (must-have) cardigan -purple with rosy flowers from Just Female, my new black peek-toe shoes from Rocketdog and my fateful big black leather Chanel bag! A good mix between budget and pricy, –if you ask me.
Suddenly something caught my eye in an unknown new shop and I pushed my way though, what seemed like hundreds of people, to reach my goal!

Finally I made it and I went in to the store. The smell of new paint and heavy Chanel no. 5 hung in the air and made it somewhat unpleasant for me to breathe though the nose. The glittering pair of shoes I spotted out on the street turned out to be (funny enough) a pair I just bought last week!? Hah! That just shows me how much I appreciate those shoes already.
Okay, so I went out again, empty handed but as I made my way to the masses once more, a boney hand was gripping my sleeve. I went along with the manicured hand (didn’t want my cardigan to get ripped), and it pulled me to a small group of people. It was first at this point I saw who owned the boney French manicured hand. The woman was tall and abnormally skinny. Her black hair was pulled back in a twirly messy ponytail.

But my attention was forced upon a small man in a pink shirt as he reached his hand out to greet me. “So, how would you like to be a model?” He asked with in a slight gay-ish way. I was completely shocked, I mean, I know I lost some weight… But I don’t look like a model. So I answered: “Eeehm… But I don’t look like a model…” The small man giggled. “Oh look at her so sweet!” And his poesy chuckled as well. “Sure you do! We just street spotted you! If you are interested, just put down your address and your phone number.” As perplexed I was I managed to write (with shaky hands) my information down and thanked them.

The next day, Saturday, my phone rang. I didn’t know the number but I took a chance and picked up. A soft but still professional voice asked if I wanted to come to casting to a catwalk hair couture show Sunday and maybe do the show Tuesday. I didn’t hastate this time and breathlessly I said yes.

Okay you guys, I was at the casting. It took a lot longer than I had imagined. Apparently they were also doing a show today (Monday), so the room were filled with models. All skinny and tall. You better believe my selfastime (spelled?) was low…

In the meantime my boyfriend, who had agreed to take me to the casting and wait until I was done, waited in a park nearby and got some sunshine. But I was kind of feeling guilty. I promised we could grab a late lunch but it looked like I was going to be at the casting forever. I asked if I could move a little ahead in the list because of my situation, and I got bumped up to the Monday models!

When the turn came to me I had FIVE of England’s best hair dressers litterly in my hair. They pulled and braded and asked if I was okay with this and that. I just sat there and nodded. They didn’t do anything with the hair, just discuss what would look nice on me. And after my mind blowing meeting with these gentlemen I got sent off to wardrobe? I had no clue if I was accepted or not!? Then a lady measured me and my shoe size and then I got pushed in to the photo-department. A rain of flashes blinded me, and before I knew it, I was done and stood in front of the studio.

I felt like I just had sex. High on life, light as a feather and sweaty!!

Geez, tomorrow I have to walk... And I have to wear a couture haircut... I feel a little sick...

Wish me luck!!

My life is one big rollercoaster ride

My life is one big rollercoaster ride, and I can't seem to get off the bloody thing!

Today I feel like someone just cracked my head open with a steel bat and on top of that, I just want to end my life. Life is just too hard – You know..?

But if I did end it, my mom would think (once again) “she took the easy way out”. So there is no win - win situation here!

Geez, this entire week has sucked. My boyfriend just came home from a looong trip and we had a wonderful time together… The first tree hours… Then he just seemed to get just as stressed out as he was before he went on vacation!

Maybe it is me who’s stressing him? I mean, I have ALL my problems hoovering around my head all day that I can’t see past them, and ask about his state of mind… I am a sucky girlfriend.

I don’t get it. Aren’t rollercoaster rides supposed to be fun?