søndag den 15. november 2009


I feel dirty. Thomas is coming home tomorrow…
Thought I’d be happy right?
I guess I am.

But right now all I feel is confused and scared.
I have my scar on the upper tight from earlier and now I have a fresh cut on my ribcage from this weekend. I am so scared.
How can I possibly explain all this?
Hey honey, by the way, I am not only depressed and bulimic - but I cut too… Jesus.

I feel so so dirty. Wrong. Bad. Fat. I already took two showers today and I think about taking another later. I just want to be clean. Untouched and unspoiled. But I am broken, and don’t think I can ever be fixed.
I hate myself so much it’s unbearable!! I am weak and pathetic! I wish I wasn’t this fucked up Thomas. I am so sorry you ever had to meet me. I’m sorry you fell in love with me. I’m sorry for being a two-faced psycho. I’m sorry I’m such a bad person.
And most of all I’m sorry for hurting you, but I don’t know how to stop.

I’m sorry.

I think I have to leave Thomas. He deserves better...

3 kommentarer:

  1. Don't leave him you will regret it!!! Maybe you should jsut find someone to talk to about your depressing feelings in order to "tidy up your soul". Don't get desperate and overwhelmed by this current feelings...be reasonable...is thomas not an understanding person? do you think he would be mad at you? maybe you can go through this hard time together?!

  2. You can't leave him. You love him and he loves you so deeply. This is something we all must keep from our loved ones. You have to be rational about this Cille. Leaving him will make things worse for you and it will break his heart. I know you think he deserves better, but breaking his heart is not what he deserves ever. You can get through this. If you want you can email me sometime and we can talk. I suffer from clinical Depression, I am ana and Mia and I use to cut. Talking really helps so if you need someone just email me okay? It's strictly for people who want to email me on here.You can get through this.

  3. Let him make that choice.
    If we all got who we deserved, this would be a sad world.

    I've had a girl leave me for that reason before, and I went after her until she took me back. I knew she was messed up, and I knew so much more than she ever thought I did. I knew she was bullemic (I wasn't in my ED at the time), and I knew she told a lot of lies, and cut herself, and did bad things. She thought she hid it well, but I knew. I always knew. And I loved her despite and because of all of her imperfections.

    You'd be surprised what boys (and girls) will put up with. I know you think you're dirty and you don't deserve him, but I promise you, sweetie, he probably sees it all, and just wishes he could show you how perfect you really are in his eyes.
    It's okay if you don't feel pure.
    Because a good boy will always see you as perfect enough for both of you.