Better late than never

Sorry I’ve been so absent lately darlings –new as old. It’s so fucking hard at the Milestone (ED recovery centre). I HATE it. I dread every Monday ‘cause then I have to step on the scale and face my weigh –which keeps going up at the moment!! Good god I wanna quit!

My depression is really dragging my days down. I have one crappy day after another. And I really don’t get it! I take my pills? I eat? I drink? Stupid thoughts, can’t you just leave me alone!?

I’m scheming against the treatment. I want to loose weight like never before! I just have to STOP telling myself it’s impossible and get on with it!!

Losing weigh and shaping up is easy. Everyone in the world can do it so why not you Cille? Are you really so different? No you aren’t!! It’s a piece of cake, or rather celery in this case. It’s fun and healthy to think about what you eat and do. If you slip, you can get rid of it. But you won’t. You won’t slip. Because you will be orgenised. You WILL BE! You are!!!
What it that? Too pricey to eat healthy and get a personal trainer?? Please is that the best excuse you can come up with? Just don’t buy those Topshop shoes you want next month!!! Isn’t worth it to have a great body? When you get thin you’re goanna look good in a garbage bag!
Are you hungry? Already? But we haven’t even started!! You baby! Think about all the starving people in Haiti?! Oh my god you disgust me… Drink some water you fat cow!
Don’t you wanna be a model? Drop down and give me 20! Where? In the bathroom of course! Thomas won’t get why you do it, he’ll laugh.

Sigh. I feel so conflicted. Can’t I loose weigh AND get rid of my ED? Of course I can! I’m NOT that fucked up!!


Well it’s been a while since I posted my weigh. I guess I’m embarrassed. Here goes nothing: 132lbs / 60kg my BMI is 19,6… AAARG!! I hate seeing it in print! I feel a tight little knot in my tummy just looking at it.

I guess I have to join the gym now. First thing to do when my paycheck comes in the door!!


Love

I'll do it tomorrow...

Arg fuck! I HATE myself sometimes!
No, ALWAYS!!!

I’m so fucking pathetic! AND such a hypocrite! I wine all day long about my shape but I don’t work out!! I bitch about my disgusting body, yet I eat cookies and candy like a fucking addict! I want my control back! OH MY GOD! Where the fuck did it go!??!?! It must have slipped away in the shadows of the night ‘cause I sure as hell didn’t loose it on purpose! Shit shit shit! It’s those doctors at the recovery center! THEY STOLE IT!

I need my control back! I must have control!! I give a shit about The Milestone or recovery! I just want to be thin!

Oh good god, if you exist, give me THIS joy… Just give me one less thing to worry about! PLEASE! Make me in control, make me strong, make me SKINNY!!!!

Uh, what an outburst! I think it came from this YouTube video I just saw… About a girl who recovered from an ed; she was SO FAT! She was all like: “Now I enjoy food (No, really!), I love myself (but you’re repulsing?!) and I have a better life -yadayada. Right. A better life? Like a fat happy cow about to get slaughtered?

Sorry you guys, I’m so cruel when I get pissed off at myself… And when people who are insanely fat try to convince me to become fat (or fatter, that is) too. Make sense?

Sigh.

Love

Lucky Biatch. . .

She's so cool. I wish I had her skinny legs.

Love

Things we already knew!

We all know the essential methods of losing weight by now, but I like to have them just to remind me what I can do better! Or just do...




*Before you start a particular workout regime, take a photo of yourself in a bikini. Do this on a weekly basis, as it helps in keeping a check of your waistline. (I find that EXTREAMLY helpful when I feel like I’m getting nowhere with my exacise)

*Hydrating your body is essential and helps you in avoiding certain intakes. Thirst is misunderstood, many a times for hunger. Adequate water and liquids in the diet helps in warding hunger and helps to eliminate wastes and toxins. (we all knew that one)

*Chew well and eat. Proper mastication prevents over eating, as the brain waits to hear the signals from the stomach. As the hunger pangs are removed, the brain receives a stop signal from the stomach. (no news there)

*A coffee or diet beverages help to postpone hunger.

*Supermodel diet tips comprise of tomatoes, apples, lettuce and diet coke. (Cool so does mine! Then why am I fat?)

*Green tea or plain tea helps in eliminating your hunger, in a temporary manner.

*Avoid deep fat frying. Baking, boiling, grilling, stewing, micro waving and pressure cooking are the best methods of cooking.

*A healthy breakfast is the right way to start your day. Skipping breakfast increases the pangs of hunger by the end of the day. (blahblah blah)

*Skinless poultry, fish and lean meat are recommended animal foods.

*Freshly cut fruits and vegetables are healthy snacks. (well daah)

*Saturated and Trans fats namely, margarine, butter, clarified butter are replaced by vegetable oils, such as olive, flaxseed, safflower and sunflower oil.

*Drinking lemon infused water is not only refreshing but is far healthier than calorie filled beverages. Other options include adding citrus fruits or a splash of juice in the water, drinking infused teas such as mango and peach tea that is loaded with flavor but with very few calories.

*Remember what you can add to your diet instead of what must be taken away. Firstly stay focused on getting the recommended five to six servings of fresh fruits and vegetables every day. This can help you in not only meeting your fiber goals but also help you feel more satisfied from the volume of fresh food that you consume.



And if you eat something naughty, you can just stick you fingers down you're throat and puke till you're thin...

(been there, done that)




Christ.

I'm grumpy today. I think it's 'cause I had cake yesterday and didn't do anything about it.



Bad girl!

Love

Another year flown by <3

So today I was born 19 years ago.



You guessed it, it's my birthday!! Weeh!

I LOVE my birthday! Presents, breakfast in bed and love! Lots of love! My stepdad and my mom came in and woke me at six o'clock with breakfast. It was super cosy to snug up in my bed and eat hot buns with jam and muffins.
I got about 300 bucks from my mom and steppdad! So awesome!! Of cause most of it is going to savings but the other half is goanna get shopped away! Uuuuuh I can't wait!

So anyway, I just wanted to remind you all that I just turned 19 and make you guys super jealous ;)

Love

On the highway to hell

Gosh, where to begin?

First of all, I'm so stressed out about school. Everyone is putting so much weight on my shoulders! Do this, do that, that's not good enough! NOTHING I do is good enough, and it's driving me insane! And the worst part is, there's nobody to blame for my failure than me.
Only I can flip my uselessness into success, I just don't know how?

My new years resolution was to do my best at all times! And you know what? My best just aren’t good enough!!! So what do I do now?


I had the worst day yesterday. I spend the entire day bingeing and purging. About 20 times and that's exclusive all the times I was rinsing... I even puked up a little blood up. I know, gross!! But I guess it was a scratch in the throat more than something serious. I have no idea what set this off. I think it was because I was alone and had purged my anti depressives... Arg. That was hell! I called Thomas, who was in the city with some friends, and told him to come home. I'm really embarrassed now, but I think it was good I got him home, because I was extremely sad and broken.

Today I’m all better but I’m tired and my throat burns. My fingers are chipped with teeth-marks and my face swollen. I hate bulimia. It sucks!


Love

Piece of cake

Ugh. Hungry. Tired. Bored...

My morning in tree words.

I'm sitting in english class, boreing my ass off!! I didn't make a assignment and now I have been deported to the computer room to make the assignment. That's just though luck!
Well... as you can see I'm not making much progress.

That covers bored.

I'm tired 'cause I woke up at 5am (or pm? At night anyways) after a bad dream! And I mean a REALLY bad dream! About a baby getting dropped at the floor and... Uh... I can't describe it. It was horrible!!!

And last but not least, HUNGRY! I just ate two apples and would kill for another...


I'm REALLY looking forward to after school. My mom and I are going to see a photo exhibit called "love me" and it looks super interesting.
And later I'm going to meet up with some girls at my place and drink wine. I think it's going to be a nice evening. Not scared at all <3

Talk to you guys later :)

Love

My day so far...

Is pretty darn good!

All morning I've been watching Rachel Zoe Project and eating yoghurt! Fabulous! I got LOTS of inspiration from the show to my wardrobe! I look really good today!

I got a little Boho/high street going on today and I looove it! I'll maybe post some pic's of it later on but... You know me.

Sooo anyways.
My plans for today are simple; 15.00 - drink coffee, 16.00 go home, 17.00 pick out my outfit for my 2 years anniversary with Thomas, 19.00 - eat drink and have fun all night long ;)

Yup that's it sweeties!!


Love

Ugh. Why is the winter so long?

I just want some sun!

Love

'Cause it's pretty

Love

tea for two

Good mornin' everyone an' welcome to the crazyness of my univers!

Today I'm happy again! Ain't that strange? Maybe not THAT stange since I've been doing great on my "diet". (heh. Get it? die-t? No matter just a side note)

And yes! I shouldn't BE on a diet ('cause I'm in recovery) but I just need the thrill!!! The thrill of planning and plotting my day and be able to pat myself on the shoulder for doing good. Weird? Yes ... Yada yada yada...

But at least I'm eating again! Breakfast: joghurt, snack/lunch some bread with fish and a coffee. That ain't too bad for me or the "eat healthy not like an ED" phillosofy. Good. All in all really good I think!

Yawn!!! I'm so sleepy! I got out of bed at seven and I'm used to getting up at twelve! (and I can't figur out the pm. and am. thing! But it was in the morning)

Ugh. And eating breakfast? yuck. I can't get anything solid down before lunch, which is no more than a bad habit.

So what should I post about? I have been talking for 20 lines and yet said nothing. I guess my head is empty today?

Love

Another day, another challenge…

Today I was my first official day at the Milestone (ED treatment center ((Stolpegård on Danish))!
The morning was tough. I didn’t want to go and my subconscious kept sabotaging “me getting out of the door”. Suddenly I had to do this and finish that; and when I ran out of excuses I FINALLY pushed myself out the door.
I was late. I ran to the train. I ran to the bus. I ran down the ally to the center, and when I got there? I just stood outside, starring with terror at the frightening building, for ten minutes! I just couldn’t bring myself to go in there like it was any other building! Maybe ‘cause it wasn’t. For me THAT building is a symbol of “losing” control. That building is a token of gaining. And last but not least THAT building is fucking STUFFED with stick-thin girls! Ugh. It was hard but I overcame my fear (yet again I suppose) and stepped inside the reception (actually –it was mostly ‘cause it was snowing and I was freezing my butt off!!). Heh.

So I didn’t interrupt the group, which was really good, I would have felt awful! Like showing up late for class and everybody is ogling you and whispering to each other; but it wasn’t like that.
Everyone was just chatting and it turned out the therapist was late I guess. They introduced them selves and I got to learn a bit of there troubles.

It was strange at first, seeing that people talked so openly about there ED’s, but I slowly got the hang of it. The girls/women there were really sweet. I’m the youngest and newest in the group so they all took care of me.

The only two parts of the entire day, I HATED, was weighing and eating lunch together. The weighing made me really upset and I was about to cry in the middle of the session. But I fought the tears back. The lunch was not so great either. I mean the food was wonderful and I shoved it in ‘cause I was starving (hadn’t eaten for two days because I knew I was going on a scale)!!
But afterwards… I felt so depressed that everyone had just seen me eat like that. All those skinny girls, what do they think of me now?

If only I could turn back time.

Love Cille

Bye bye past

Sorry for not uploading pic’s of me in the blue dress… To be honest, I don’t really think the pictures turned out so god and to be even more honest… I. LOOK.FAT.
So there you have it. I didn’t want to post the pictures ‘cause I look f.a.t. AAARG I hate this! No matter how many pictures I take or how good people say I look, I only see a fat pig on the photos!

Well… Anyway, my new years eve was otherwise good. I ate lots of melon salad and skipped dessert. I kept to champagne and rum & diet coke so I did good!! I was drunk but not hammered, I had fun but didn’t dance on the table, and I ate and threw up. The last part wasn’t really that great but you goatta do what you goatta do.

Waiting for my birthday which is right around the corner!! I turn 19 the 12th of January!! GOD I’M SO OLD! Heh, unbelievable that I turn 19 this month? I mean… What have I achieved yet!? Nothing! Nada! Not even my dream body…. I don’t know I just feel like time flew by!

Childhood, gone. Perky boobs, gone. 2009, gone! Before I know it my teen-years will be gone too, and all I’ll have left of them is flaky photos where I perhaps look great and didn’t see it myself at the time… Does that make any sense?

I just don’t wanna sit 10 years from now, looking back, and think “gosh, I was so thin… Why did I bitch so much about it?”


Love