Oh gosh ♥

I fell in love in H&M…

The perfect dress was godsend from heaven! Or at least godsend from the store.

I walked in feeling fat, exhausted and pimpled (is that a word?). I walk out, no, I skipped out, feeling fashionable and neat maybe even a little thin!

First of all the dress is a 4US (36eu) which I hadn’t imagining fitting in my wildest dreams, but it was the only one left on the rack so I took my chances. And it… Was… FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC!!! It zipped up like; zzzzzzip. No struggle at all! I can’t describe in words how that made me feel. I actually wanted to cry a little. Heh.

Second of all; it’s navy blue, which makes it a little more interesting that a “little black dress” and navy goes so so good with gold! (Which is my favourite metal colour, and I bought the nicest gold clutch and necklace!!)

And thirdly it wasn’t that expensive. I had to though down 35 bucks for that dress, and it looks like a high-street designer gown.

The only sad thing about the outfit is: that it’s from H&M.
Now, I’m not a label-sucker, but almost everybody I know shop in H&M and there’s a big possibility that someone at the party is wearing the same thing… And looking even better.

But screw that fact for now.
I’ll put out some new year photos of me in the fab’dress tomorrow ;D

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Love Cille

Wonderful Wednesday?

I think it just might be.

The new year is right around the corner and I'm going shopping today!

Weeh! I goatta find myself a beautiful new years dress so "au revoir" my sweeites <3

Love Cille

Resolutions <3

So get this, I figured out my resolutions! I saw what some of you guys wrote, and it inspired me to write mine. As I said earlier, it will NOT contain ANYTHING with weight. That’s a no-no this year…

My new year resolutions

I will finish decorating my home, adding the final touch to my sweet apartment on fourth.

I will work harder on my education and try to perform my best at all times. In school and in life.

I will be nicer and neater towards Thomas and help more out around the apartment.

I will take my medicine and follow the doctor’s orders. Even when I feel like I know better.

I will be motivated to get out of my eating disorder and…. Yuck… Love myself…

I will be happy this year!!!!!!!

Love Cille

Something new, something blue

So x-mas is over. (Thank god). I got some nice gifts and I got to spend time with Thomas, so that was good.




Sigh. Next challange, New Years. I'm spendin my new years eve with my classmates and my boyfriend downtown in Copenhagen. I bought some really cool eye-lashes and some crazy glitter so I guess it can't go comeplitely wrong.



Mmmh I love new years. No because of the party, and certinly not because of the fireworks! But because of the "new". A fresh start, a do-over...

I think my new year's resolution will be to (for a change) something that hasn't got ANYTHING to do with weight... Maybe just food.... I don't know...



Do you guys know your new year's resolutions yet?



I have no idea what I shoud "wish" to change in the new year, 'cause on the one side I want to loose weight/be healthy/trendy but on the other I really should just focus on getting rid of my ED.

Blaah...





Love, love and more love

Cille

Not my cup of tea

Spending Christmas in Bayern this year. With Thomas and his family...

And so far, not loving it.

There's no Christmas spirit in the house -AT ALL! Everybody is grumpy and stressed and could care less about this holiday.

… And I'm sitting here, alone, on Little Christmas eve.

Thomas is out spending the night with old friends and his parents -who ONLY speak Bavarian, so I only understand every second word they say- is watching TV in the living room. I feel alone.

Oh, and guess what, in this family they decided that on Christmas eve, they’d give the mom a night off!! THAT MAKES NO SENSE TO ME!!! So the boys and the dad, who doesn’t cook all year long, have to make a delicious dinner? No, no, no of course not. That would just be plain stupid, so instead they cook something they CAN. Steaks. With French fries.

AND THE PARENTS DOESN’T EVEN LIKE STEAKS!??!?! They are going to eat something completely different??? I thought Christmas was supposed to bring people closer, but in this family it seems to tear them apart.

Oh. My. God.

THEY are ruining Christmas!? No, demolishing!!!

So angry right now! Of course I could just have said “no thank you” to the trip… But I didn’t expect it to be so… Hard, to give up “my” Christmas.

Guess I just have to go with the flow….

Angry love

What a wonderful feeling!

Well, good morning everyone! It’s a lovely day today! I am officially feeling all “rainbows and lollypops” today! Why? I’ll tell ya’ dolls! IT’S ALMOST CHRISTMAS !!

Huh?

Jep you heard me, it’s almost Christmas, and I am so excited! Not because of the traditionally Christmas feast (obviously). Not because of the presents (okay maybe just a little bit because of the presents). But because it’s snowing and life is finally going to turn out great for me! –Or at least I believe that it will, right at this moment. I. Feel. Happy!!
Oh that’s such a nice wonderful fantastic feeling! Christmas. New years. A new beginning. I feel like I can do anything today! I have a completely white canvas (metaphorically speaking), and I can paint my life as I want! I can make my life a master piece!

Heh, no, I didn’t up my dose of anti-depressions today. I have absolutely no idea why I feel so warm and fuzzy inside this particular Thursday.

I wish you all a wonderful day!

And remember, if your day sucks; "it could be worse" :D


Love

Let it snow...

Oh my god… Today is beautiful.

Last night it snowed like crazy and when I woke up this morning the entire city was clocked in a fluffy sheet of snow. I love snow. It’s so unbelievably gorgeous, cozy and pure. I love to curl up under a blanket with a cup of tea and watch the feathery snowflakes drop outside my window. Mmmh.

Love

Tick tack

My brain is porridge... Mealted, overcooked, slimey porridge... I am so tired. And whats strage, I haven't done "today's good deed". I haven't done ANYTHING really... Sigh, I hate those days. You wake up and before you know it the day is long gone and you haven't done shit.

Ate today: 3 pieces of toast with jam at breakefast, 2 grapefruits, and for dinner some chicken and salad. I feel like thats way, WAY, too much! I feel like a pig. A big fat jiggily pig who doesn't deserve to eat EVER AGAIN!

Love

Moment of nothing

Soooo sleepy... But I found this picture/quote and thought it fitting for today.

Love

Little black dress

I found a really nice link to an exercise program for the arms.

http://www.marieclaire.com/video/#v15150418001

Love

Mondays...

I went, I saw, and all in all it was… Actually not that bad. I’m still scared out of my wits about the group thing AND all the rules I have to follow next year.
Yup, I am officially IN TREATMENT! Uuuh. I’m goanna start in group therapy on The Milestone (ED Center) the 4th of January 2010.

I am terrified! First of all no dieting. No pills without consent (including laxatives). A food journal EVERY day which the therapists are goanna read out loud to the group (OMG!). Weigh in every Monday and a weight-gain/loss at max. 5/2kg if you are “Normal weight”.
And the list of rules just keeps going like that! What I’m to eat when and where! God… I knew this wasn’t going to be all “rainbows and lollypops” but it just sound so… I don’t know…
Like I’m a child who can’t do anything right… Which I guess is true… At some level…

Thomas is leaving on another business trip for a week. Again in China. Just great. I fell okay at peace with it, but at the same time it’s really pissing me off that his company always sends him just because he aren’t married or has kids. Well, I hope he will be home in time for Christmas.

Other than that I have no real news. I’ve bought all the presents for Christmas and I’m not dreading the traditionally feast. I went to the climate-policy-change demonstration on Saturday and to an exhibit in Forum yesterday about better resource alternatives. That was really cool.
Copenhagen is buzzing with people from all over the world and their ideas on how to change it.

Love

Bla bla blaa

Today is crap. It’s Monday. It’s cold and gray and I’m going out on the center for eating disorders once more.
I know I’m goanna be weight in my underwear and I’m so so SO scared. Especially cause it’s cold and uncomfortable… And I haven’t stepped on a weight for TWO days. Sigh.

Ugh. I really don’t wanna go.

Love

heartshaped

Sunshine rain!!

So it’s Friday once more! Thomas (ma’ boyfriend) is going to this company Christmas dinner and I… Well I’m possibly going to see my girls tonight. One of my very close friends are having a wine taste party (girls only), and it sound pretty fun. But I just got my aunty Rouge so I look like a supersized marshmallow.
Ah, what big and complicated problems I have, hehe.
I guess I’m going. I mean it’s just my girls and I can wear something baggy. Hmm… But what? Okay I’m not goanna bother you guys with my “I have a zillion outfits but nothing to wear” dilemma, so lets just skip ahead to what I’m goanna eat, ‘cause THAT’S really important ;)

Pros for today is that I’m home alone ALL day (and evening) so I can be as eating disordered as I please. I also haven’t got anything in the fridge aside from nailpolish and antioxidant filled red wine so wee!! No temptations.

Cons, I already had some cereal for breakfast AND I ate so much crap yesterday ‘cause of my period. But all that is affordable mistakes. I just need to keep away from the “I already spoiled the diet so I’m just goanna eat shit anyway” spiral, and I’ll be fine.

I’m goanna restrict my solid intake to 500 cals (which leaves me with 250 now) so I can drink and have a good time tonight. Sounds like a plan? Sure does.

Keep on rockin' ;)

Love

A little something, something...

I just found some of these pictures yesterday and I decided to shear them with you guys.

Some are my personal storage of thinspo, others are just pretty and… fascinating.
I suppose.

Enjoy my sweeties.

love

It's in my head

First of all my WORD is down, (and therefor also my spelling control) so sorry for the poor quality of my post...

I had a really nice weekend. Me and some friends went to this awsome party downtown and it was almost a perfect night. The thing that spoiled the evning was my drinking! I drank so much!! At the end I could hardly stand, and I made a big jiggely fool outta myself! Arg...

I got a massage (once agian) from The Milestone (ED center), and I am goanna start after Christmas... I know it's for my own good and yada yada yada, but I'm really scared. All those new people and rules. I don't know if I'm goanna make it. And I feel this insane pressure that every one in my family expect, no DEMAND me to be all whole and healed when I'm done with the treatment...

What if I can't get better? What if I'm doomed to be eating disordered for the rest of my life?? Whould everybody then just give up on me?

I dont know...

And do I really want to be all whole and healed? I mean... If I aren't Cille with the ED, then who the fuck am I? What if my ED definds who I am? How am I then goanna survive without it?

I'm not sure I know HOW to live without my ED...

All these different emotions are washing over me right now, and I feel like I'm goanna drown -you know?

Love

Eat me...

Going out tonight. Feeling good. Lisening to "boring" with the pieaces. I'm goanna dance all night in my new shoes with a smoke in one hand and vodka in the other.

Happy sexy friday! Rock the world dolls!




Love

W I L D

Update from space! Sorry sorry for not being committed to blogging these past few weeks! My life has been CRAZY! Crazy I tell yer’! I’ve been spending every waken moment with my sweet but slightly paranoid boyfriend. It’s by the way so so nice to have him home. Just to fall asleep in his warm embrace is bliss, but enough about that. Everything else has been HELL! My temper. My body. My hair. My school. My home!! Everything is ether falling apart or falling out. I am officially down to my “goal” weight once more: 120lbs. But I don’t feel any bit of excitement. I feel the exact opposite. My body keeps on losing weight but it still doesn’t look like the way I want! (Classic ED problem –I know…) It’s so depressing!

At the moment I am eating “normal” – that means tree times a day and about 900calories, but I don’t feel applied too food at all? I hate that I need to eat to function. I want to feel horrible cause’ I “deserve” to be in pain –You know?

I have been in therapy for about six months and it’s really pissing me off that I’m not even close to being better. I’m still unbelievably self-destructive. I still have a serious eating disorder. I’m still depressed and slightly suicidal and therefore a loser. It’s just so frustrating!! Aren’t I supposed to be all “rainbows and lollypops” by now? I don’t understand why I can’t get the ED voices outta my head! They have changed, yes, but not to the better… Before it was kinda a scream in my ear, telling me what to do. But now it’s like an unnoticed whisper. I just “do” ED stuff without even giving it a second thought? Like a habit or a ritual.

The other day I was hanging out at my mom’s and we watched some random show on the tv. We were like 40min. in the show when she asked me to sit still. Until then I hadn’t even noticed that I was doing butt-clenches. Heh, it sound kinda comical, but at my worst phase in my ED I had this rule about never to sit still. Always always DO something! Every calorie counts!! It really surprised me how my subconscious just “remembered” that rule and started doing it without me being directly aware of it??

I don’t know what’s going on with my ED or my body at the moment. It’s like it is running wild!!

Love to my girls