Got me a brand new attitude

First of all, I would like to apologize for my blogger neglect!! Sigh, I guess I have been so absent lately ‘cause my ED has fated a little in to the background. Or maybe I just accepted it fully? I don’t know my darlings...
I don’t really have bulimic tendencies at the moment -I just don’t eat?

So Thomas came home. And as you know we had a bit of a rocky welcome. He said some things and I got hurt and the other way around, but now everything is close to fine. He doesn’t really trust me when I go out and he is so jealous! It’s getting on my last nerve!! Yes, I like to flirt but I know the limitations!? Well, he is properly goanna read this (even though I asked him to stay away from my blog! Well I kinda get it... he’s just curious –but still...) so I better watch my mouth... Anyway, we both have to work on our relationship. He has to trust me, and I just got to grow up! I have to take responsibility for my actions –which sucks- and do the laundry once in a while. Then I guess we’ll be fine. Of course I also have to work on my ED recovery and the depression AND the self injury thing! Heh, I guess I better get to work then?

I don’t really obsess over my diet and weight anymore. I still don’t like what I see in the mirror, but I don’t obsess over it like I did for like 6 months ago. I guess that’s a relief. My weight right now is 124.7 (125) so it’s not that bad. I would like to loose... Well... Honestly? It all! (I know it’s unrealistic) Sometimes I only put one foot on the scale and push it a little down just to see how it would feel to weigh a little less. Heh. Stupid? Maybe, but it gives me some kind of pleasure to see 100lbs on the scale...
As you guys can hear, I still think ALOT about weight and how I look –so I’m not completely hole an’ healed but I’m getting there.

Yup. So that’s the scoop.

Tell me how you guys have been doing lately?

Love

The skeleton is out!

Well... He's home and I'm a mess.
I followed Sarah's advice and just told him what the deal was... He just kissed me and asked why I wanted to destroy something so perfect?

Awww... Cute.
We ended up talking all night and he was so supportive! Told me he was goanna be there for me no matter what and said I shouldn’t worry. He also told me to quit lying to him. I guess I understand that… The problem is just… How?

I have to deal with that later. Right now I am on my way to see my therapist. I don’t know what I’m goanna talk about. What I’m goanna tell her… I guess it will come to me.

About food, I haven’t eaten in two days ‘cause I was so nervous!! And I mean HAVE NOT eaten!! That never happens to me? Anyway, I am goanna eat a sandwich from this healthy-healthy store on my way home.
Looking forward to it (they are so good! And there’s a calorie list for everything! ED Mecca-food-store!) –the only thing that sucks is the price… Sur-price.

Love

Once up on a time...

Thomas is flying in right at this moment. He'll be landing in Denmark in two hours. I am so nervous.

Thanks for all your support girls! Means the world to me!

Love

Broke

I feel dirty. Thomas is coming home tomorrow…
Thought I’d be happy right?
I guess I am.

But right now all I feel is confused and scared.
I have my scar on the upper tight from earlier and now I have a fresh cut on my ribcage from this weekend. I am so scared.
How can I possibly explain all this?
Hey honey, by the way, I am not only depressed and bulimic - but I cut too… Jesus.

I feel so so dirty. Wrong. Bad. Fat. I already took two showers today and I think about taking another later. I just want to be clean. Untouched and unspoiled. But I am broken, and don’t think I can ever be fixed.
I hate myself so much it’s unbearable!! I am weak and pathetic! I wish I wasn’t this fucked up Thomas. I am so sorry you ever had to meet me. I’m sorry you fell in love with me. I’m sorry for being a two-faced psycho. I’m sorry I’m such a bad person.
And most of all I’m sorry for hurting you, but I don’t know how to stop.

I’m sorry.




I think I have to leave Thomas. He deserves better...

Frosted

Brrr!! I’m hanging out in my apartment AND IT’S FUCKING FREEZING IN HERE!!!
I am seriously without sensation in my fingertips at this point!
My balcony door is broken, so the draft if a bitch! And the heat has been off while Thomas (my boyfriend/roommate) is in China, so I think it’s like 5 degrees in here.

I have been living with my mom the last three weeks and hanging out in my own apartment from time to time –mostly doing binges, but also to water the plants and collect some stuff I was missing at my moms. Yeah so last week I hung out here and I had the biggest grossest binge in pizza and some easy-stew-whatever… With the result; that I cried hysterically, drank vodka and threw glasses into the wall… Good job Cille… My stepdad came by to pick me up and I forgot about the mess I’d left.


So today – a week later – the apartment looked like SHIT! And smelled like it too… Gosh. So I just finished cleaning up the leftovers (which had been socked in the sink for NINE DAYS!). Oh. My. Freaking. God. That was so so gross!!! It smelled like… Rotten flesh and sour milk. EW!

But I survived and now the entire kitchen reeks of bleach and “lavender” instead. Not sure that’s better. Anywho, I have no plans for tonight so far. My friend invited me to some big fancy party gallerie opening, packed with cocktail-rich-bitch girls and “golden” boys. But I don’t feel like I’m in a very “fancy party” mood. I just have to wait it out and see.

I haven’t had anything to eat yet, and I am no where close to hungry after cleaning the kitchen! So that’s like a fast day to my diet – I guess?



Love<3

God-bless-you!

I am sorry for not uploating a diet plan for today. I am still down with a cold. I had a low fever today so I haven't been eating the entire day... I mean I ate a LOT of cold medicine and bonbons but there's like 5 calories in each.


It could be worse... But wish me well soon anyway! Tomorrow I'm just goanna eat soup. Perhaps about 6 bowls :)

Love you all <3

Cille

Chick

Hey gals!

So yesterday went by good, I ate what I was supposed to I feel good about it :)
Today I'm sick so its goanna be soup all day sweeties!

Here’s ma homemade “skinny” chicken soup recipe:

Cook Time: 1 hour, 45 minutes

Ingredients:
· 1 3-31/2 pound chicken, cut into 8 pieces
· 3 quarts water
· 3 large carrots, halved lengthwise and cut into pieces
· 3 celery stalks, sliced
· 2 leeks, white parts only
· 2 parsnips, peeled and chopped
· 1 onion, sliced
· 2 tsp black peppercorns
· 1 bay leaf
· 2 garlic cloves
· Salt and freshly ground black pepper
· 2 tbsp chopped dill for garnish

Okay Its not really ”homemade” I got it from my skinny cookbook, but it’s my favourite!
For breakfast I had nothing, so a pretty bad start on the day. I have the feeling that it’s goanna be a bad day…

Love

Ready, set, GO!

Goodmorning lovelies! Thanks for all the helpul comments! I am taking the advices in and listening to your support!
Boy am I lucky to have such a smart bunch of girls behind me! I can’t say it enough, I love you guys!
(And a little side note to “pretty wreck” The Milestone is a Danish treatment centre for people with eating disorders. I haven’t started there yet, but I am in the program)

Well on to the diet!
Yesterday the lemoncleanse went okay. I ate a cup of salad at lunch but that was it.
So today I woke up at 12am, that means I’m eating breakfast for lunch today and that’s pretty annoying for you guys who wants to follow the diet. However I have come up with an alternative breakfast and lunch for you!


Morning:
1 sliced apple and one small sliced banana
1 cup of green tea (or black coffee)
If you’re still hungry, add a grapefruit without sugar.
If you don’t like breakfast at all then just eat the grapefruit, but eat SOMETHING to get that metabolism going.
= 150cal with grapefruit 155cal – fat 0,7g

Snack:
50g of almonds and raisins
=135cal – (plant) fat 16g

Lunch:
2 cups (I measure cups in what you can have in your hands when you make a cup)
of green salad + cucumber + red pepper fruit + tomatos (+ onion)
NO dressing
If it’s too boring for you just add 20/30g of shrimps
= aprox 188cal with shrimps 210cal - No fat

Snack:
100/200g of carrots
Depending on how hungry you feel
= 36/78cal

Dinner:
1 cup of green salad + tomatos (+ your choice – I’m goanna go with a dash of feta cheese and onion)
300g of low fat/no fat minute steak with 1/10 Tsp of salt and some pepper
= 350cal – fat 1,1g (?)

Total day = up to 1000 calories (but I don’t have the time to go though it right now)

So that’s it, remember I calculated the calories and fat by Danish products and I suck at math ;)
I suggest you calculate it your self if you want to be 100% sure!

That’s it <3>

Hope you like it

Love

Rather dead than fat!

I have been avoiding to post anything meaningful this weekend ‘cause it haven’t had that must meaning. I miss Thomsen like hell! I miss having someone to spoon doing the night and someone to kiss in the morning. We always kiss each other good morning, goodnight and good day, sigh, every single day. It doesn’t matter if we had a fight, or something like that, the tradition between us has never been broken for over two years. It sounds kind of needy and obsessive but I really enjoy having it ‘cause it gives me a feel of safety. Like I’m not that ugly, fat or smelly even though we just woke up together and I forgot to brush my teeth last nigh.

Well enough about le’ boyfriend, I’m sure you guys don’t care about him ;)
So on to the vital matter of this post!! Da da da daaaah!! You properly figured it out, it’s diet time!! I have come to my senses and I am going on a diet! I have up to tree months to pull my shit together and loose all the weight I can until I have to go into therapy on the Milestone. Because on the Milestone diets are band!! NOOOO!! How will I ever survive..? Ah! Everything in good time! So from tomorrow and the next couple of months I will be on a diet!

I need a diet I can live with… And I need Thomas and my mom to stay in the dark… So, ABC is out of the question! Same with the lemonade… Raw foods is also a no-no… Hmm… How about I just make my own? I mean, I know A LOT about food and nutrition and I can just take bits and pieces from magazines and the internet? Right?

So… First of all I will consume (bear with me) minimum 200 calories and maximum 1000 calories per day AND I will post my daily food-plan on this blog. In case any of you wants to join... And to control myself.
I will eat every 3. hour to keep my metabolism going.
I will minimum drink 1L of water per day –and yes I know it’s nothing, but I am aiming low to begin with.
I will go to the gym ATLEAST 1 time per week!!
I will make 50 sit-ups every morning and every evening – yeah yeah it’s like a drop in the ocean but still something!!
I will make a weigh in every Friday….. I don’t know about that..? Would you like that?

And last but not least – I will start off my diet tomorrow with a lemon-water-fast-day (only one day 'cause otherwise I break and that's not a pretty sight) –no excise (makes me really dizzy).

Yep. Sound alright to you guys? Tell me if it’s a bad idea!

Hehe I’m so so existed!


Love

My dream

I whished I was rich and thin, but I also wished I could have my perfect home. I hope I get it before I kick the bucket...

It should look something like this:

Beautiful, girly but messy if you get it :)

Love

Late night...

I needed a laugh <3

Luvlee cupcake

I have had some rough couple of nights. I can’t sleep until it’s like 5 in the morning and I can’t sleep doing daytime. So lately I haven’t slept at all actually. I think it’s because I’m hungry all the time. It’s a strange kind of hunger though. I can’t really “feel” it, but I sense it’s there –you know?

Oh and something else, my mom saw my blog… The stupid laptop had saved the page and so she borrowed my computer and… Well, you get picture, right? So she was like oh never mind honey! I hardly saw anything and then she ignored it the entire day?! I guess I’m not that surprised. She completely denies that I’m going into treatment. And I must say it doesn’t bother my at all. Maybe a tad… Not that I want to be “saved” or get lots of attention, I would just wish she’d care.

I know for a fact that she’ll never look at my blog again, so I don’t need to change anything I guess. I am a little concerned about what she read… I mean… All that about suicide, purging and restricting? Sigh… But I guess if she has a problem she’ll confront me.

I did BAD on my restricting to day. I ate like a pig. I didn’t even flinch when my step-dad asked me if I wanted another piece of cake –I just grabbed it and ate it! Just like that?!?! I need to think! I need a brain! I need to train tomorrow –hard and long till I’ll have a heart attack! But first of all… Right now, I need a drink.


Happy Saturday ya’ all <3

Friday - sober

Thinspo 'cause I have nothing else to do...

I'm bored and sober

Love

Cille

A pretty nice feeling

Good day. Started like crap but is ending well. Skipped school. Slept. Talked to Thomsen...

And ate:

2 piceses of wholegrain dark (always) bread with salmon -no butter

3 cups of green tea

1 latte (at a café and I didn't order ANYTHING else.)

4 nuts -one each second hour to get my motabolisem going

water water water

My only slip; 4 cookies, but I got rid of it quickly after.

So all in all thats okay I guess... No model diet but I'll suvive.

Dinners comming up. Dread? Nah... I feel pretty okay.

Love Cille

The oddest thing

I know that starving doesn't work for a girl like me. I know that if I starve myself I will binge and my metabolism will slow and do nothing for me. The head doctor of The Miliestone (recovery center) said so... But I can't help thinking... They must be lying to me? They are just bad people who wants me to gain?


And to be hungry makes me FEEL like I'm loosing weight. I feel good, I mean not physically, but like I accomplished something by feeling the pain.

Love
Cille

Wet winter

People seem so hollow around me. I find them boring. I want something more with life. But I’m scared to find out that’s all there is to it?


Ate today:

4 pieces of bread with turkey.
5 glasses of water
½ glass of milk

That’s it… Proud? Nah. I know why I don’t eat and it aren’t because of willpower. I purposely took myself off the anti depressing medicine because I wasn’t feeling the side effects any longer (nausea).

I restarted on them yesterday. It is horrorble!! I forgot how uncomfortable the side effects are!! It’s like my tong is too big for my mouth and my throat too small for anything to go down. I know it was my own doing… And that you should never play doctor when you have no idea of what you’re doing…

Sigh…

Weight today 126.9lbs

Love
Cille

Dear

"Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it."

~Swedish Proverb

Just the feel of it!

So yesterday I hit rock bottom. And I hit it real hard girls. I broke a mirror and cut my thighs with the broken pieces. And I even carved a word (cause I’m that creative). LOST. On English even thought that’s kinda tacky when my native language is danish… It just felt right. Fitting. I'd think about slicing my wrists later, but then again… If I died? That would make matters worse for Thomas and my mom and dad would… Well, they’d properly be better of… But… Okay truth? I didn’t have the gut to end my own life. I just carved LOST and drank vodka till my mom’s boyfriend fetched me from my apartment –to drunk to take the bus. Thomas had called them and said I was acting weird on the phone…

All this wasn’t really a reaction to him having to stay longer in China. I kinda figured, since my dad had somewhat the same job, and therefore I knew it always takes longer than expected when you work in the east. I think what triggered it was frustration. Anger. Pain. I felt like I couldn’t take one more second in this world! I felt like a failure at everything -even living. Like if I was a better girlfriend he would have come home! Which is ridicules, I know… Or if I was better looking my mom would accept me and stop bitching about my school, cause then she would think “Oh well at least she got her looks.” Or if I was skinnier my family would recognize that I have a serious eating disorder instead of just ignoring the entire damn thing?!? I hate my family! I hate my school! I hate my boyfriend! Why do I have to love him so much? They all suck!

… No, they just aren’t perfect, I know. I’m just so sick and tired of it all. Is this what life is about? Live, breed kids and die? I mean is this it?! Sometimes I wish I could give my life to someone who would want it. A small happy kid somewhere who has deadly brain cancer… I would trade my shot at life so the kid could live. So it wasn’t wasted you know? Well life is life, and we all have to live it I guess…

By the way thanks for your support girls! You made me real happy when I read the comments! Nice to know that at least I can blog alright and that someone care<3

Love
Cille

What if...

Thomas is staying in China for possibly another month.

I'm wondering... If I attempted suicide... Would his company send him home?

Vanish

I feel like I am drifting away. On a small raft down the river. It's quiet and calm, but I can hear the roars of the waterfall somewhere further down.

I'm drifting away. My raft is leaking and the waterfall is getting closer by the second...

I can't move. I am numb to the core and I don't really mind.

I can't fight. I can't rebel against the closing dangers of my future.


I close my eyes and wait for death to strike.

New layout!

So...

What do you think?

I kinda dig it even though it's a little... Depressing...

Love

Cille

Wrap me in cotton

Trying to stay sane proved to be a harder job than I expected. My sanity is hanging by the thread. Had a blackout today -don’t know what caused it… The room suddenly seemed so big and cold. First blurry, then black. And then I was out. When came to my senses I was laying on the floor and had a big bump on my forehead. Aw.

I told Thomas off… Yelled and told him to mind his own business. That was really shitty of me ‘cause he hadn’t done anything wrong! Sorry Thomsen… I’m just over my edge.

Cut myself in the shower… My left upper-inner thigh… And I did it on purpose. I slashed the blade right across the skin and saw the red pearls form from the cut. Saw the blood run down my leg and blend with the hot water on the floor… I felt so much better in that second.

I weigh 127,34lbs today
.

.

.

Cille