I woke up 9 o’clock today. Felt dizzy and had stomach pains. I had purged 3 o’clock in the morning and my complete intake was about 479Kcal yesterday. I don’t know why, but I feel a slight relief that I got sick and all the food isn’t rotting in my intestines right now, but I know that if I am doing good in my diet I am failing in something else.
God, sometimes it scares me to think about what a freak I am. I think I am falling back in my old habits and that is a bad sign.
I am dropping weight, but I still don’t look like I am having trouble eating. My boyfriend (who I live together with) knows my everyday struggle with weight, but he doesn’t know how bad it is. He doesn’t know I cried yesterday because I couldn’t find the carrot-peeler (how many does THAT?) and that I was so hungry that I fainted four days ago. I allow him to read bits and pieces of my blog, but not all of it, far from it. I don’t want him to read all the depressing and self-loathing things and think I am a total nutcase. Today I ate so far: 200g of pineapple at 9.30 and that’s about 110Calories. I also drank two cups of laxative tea and a bottle of water. According to the ABC-boot camp I can eat 500Kcal today… Weeh… Sigh, I don’t wanna eat anything more today, even though my stomach is already eating my spine, I just don’t feel like eating.