I woke up 9 o’clock today. Felt dizzy and had stomach pains. I had purged 3 o’clock in the morning and my complete intake was about 479Kcal yesterday. I don’t know why, but I feel a slight relief that I got sick and all the food isn’t rotting in my intestines right now, but I know that if I am doing good in my diet I am failing in something else.God, sometimes it scares me to think about what a freak I am. I think I am falling back in my old habits and that is a bad sign.
I am dropping weight, but I still don’t look like I am having trouble eating. My boyfriend (who I live together with) knows my everyday struggle with weight, but he doesn’t know how bad it is. He doesn’t know I cried yesterday because I couldn’t find the carrot-peeler (how many does THAT?) and that I was so hungry that I fainted four days ago. I allow him to read bits and pieces of my blog, but not all of it, far from it. I don’t want him to read all the depressing and self-loathing things and think I am a total nutcase. Today I ate so far: 200g of pineapple at 9.30 and that’s about 110Calories. I also drank two cups of laxative tea and a bottle of water. According to the ABC-boot camp I can eat 500Kcal today… Weeh… Sigh, I don’t wanna eat anything more today, even though my stomach is already eating my spine, I just don’t feel like eating.
It's tough when you live with someone who can't really understand, but so few do understand. It's like you are falling into your old rut but you don't want to admit that you are because you want to feel good again. It's sick to say but I love the way I feel when my stomach feels so empty... it's empowering. Unfortunately it's not very healthy to think that way but I do and I can't seem to change that mentality.
SvarSlet