Tha Hills

Sitting at home -watching The Hills. Sun is shinning and I am sitting in front of my computer. Ate... WAY too much! Period pains are killing me and waiting for my boyfriend to take me out to sushi... Need that...

And thanks for commenting on my stuff! Things like that makes my day :D

Vlog

"Hey! Welcome to my blog -The zero effect. I hope you really enjoy some of my posts and that you will give me some constructive feedback! My name is Cecilie, but everybody calls me Cille so that why I chose to put that on the internet. I have chosen to also make this video vlog because I don’t want people to think I am some extremely skinny or beautiful girl. I am just like everybody else.

And, well, today so far I have eaten about 566 calories -its a little bit over the top cause' I wanted to stay really low today - yesterday I had a binge! A totally crazy binge with chocolate and candy! And of course I did what has become normal for me, and I purged afterwards...

Oh and sorry for my Danish accent - Its really hard to get rid of!

Anyway, I binged and I was at the movies yesterday (that’s why I binged -popcorn, candy, soda). Do not mind the ugly empty space behind me -cause' I am goanna get that fixed! I just moved in with my boy friend so... Oh we just bought an IKEA table! Heh, I’m sure you guys enjoyed that very much. Sorry for my boobs hanging all over the place (mumbling). Anyway I am properly goanna cut that out of the vlog (BUT I DONT KNOW HOW!!), cause' its extremely silly...

I’m 18 years (couldn't say that word!) old and my boyfriend is 28, so that’s 10 years difference. And NO it doesn't bug me! We have been together for 1 and a half year so it isn’t a problem - apparently.

Back to me - I study, I am in the 2 year of my gymnasium time which is 3 years all in all. And right now it's 7 o'clock and my boyfriend is at his Danish cores because he is German so... He speaks really good Danish though and he writes.. well it could be improved.
I skipped school today, I didn't go today, but I'll survive and they (my classmates) will too. I really don’t even want to get into details why I didn’t go today!
Anyway, A small messy interdiction of me and what I am all about.. And excuse my horrible English...
Bye!
(I made this in case of you didn’t get what I said, and to correct my errors...)

Diagnosed

These are my test results ...



if you answer "yes" to any of the questions below then food and weight may be a problem for you that needs to be seriously addressed.



Respond honestly:



Are you constantly thinking about food, weight, or body image?

yes


Is it difficult to concentrate on the daily tasks of studying or work because of food and weight thoughts?

yes


Do you worry about what your last meal is doing to your body?

yes

Do you experience guilt or shame around eating?

yes

Is it difficult for you to eat in public?

yes

Do you count calories every time you eat or drink?

yes

Do you chronically diet only to regain the weight after going "off" the diet?

yes

Do you feel "out of control" when it comes to food?

no

When others tell you that you are too thin, do you still feel fat?

yes

Do you weigh yourself several times daily?

yes

Does the number on your scale determine your mood and outlook for the day?

yes!!

When you are momentarily satisfied with your weight, do you resolve to be even more vigilant?

don't know

Do you punish yourself with more exercise or restrictions if you don't like the number on the scale?
yes


Do you exercise more than forty-five minutes, five times each week with the goal of burning calories?

yes

Will you exercise to lose weight even if you are ill or injured?

yes

Do you label foods as "good" and "bad?"

yes (who dosent? Candy = bad, salat = good?!)

If you eat a "bad" or forbidden food do you berate yourself and compensate by skipping your next meal, purging, or adding extra exercise?

yes...

Do you vomit after eating and/or use laxatives or diuretics to keep your weight down?

... Sometimes



= congratulations you have been diagnosed with bulimia!



What a piece of crap test! I do NOT have bulimia!! Im on a diet!!

sigh... right?

What I did this weekend

So I am goanna tell you guys about me weekend. Friday – ate 1000cal (sooo much sushi), T (boyfriend) came home from Turkey, had mind-blowing sex, skipped school, cleaned the entire apartment!

Saturday – ate 1400cal (Way to much), purged, went to IKEA and bought furniture, had a small fight with T, met my good old pal Emil and hung out with him, went (with Emil) to Kongens have (the king’s garden) and drank one cider. The rest of the day me and my boys just chilled at home and watched movies.

Sunday – hand washed ALL my panties and some of my most delicate dresses, had sex and ate, so far, 482cal. T and I are going to the movies later to see a documentary. (Something about robbers? Don’t ask!)

Oh yeah! And I bought this killer new dress! In this coloer and a minty freash green!!
I love it!!

Emmi Hellsten - new pics by Jolijn Snijders.

click to enlarge

Born:
06 January

Where:
Naantali, Finland

Height:
178 cm

Bust:
80 cm

Waist:
59 cm

Hips:
88 cm

So rich, so pretty

My newest thinspo song!

So rich, so pretty by Mickey Avalon = Niiice!

Although did you know that in the song bulimia and rich/famous/pretty/happy is linked?? I do not support that...

It's too easy for young girls to get the wrong idea about bulimia… And yes, yes, I know bulimia isn’t infectious like the flu, but I still think you should keep in mind that teenage girls (who just want to be popular) might get the wrong idea! And, okay, Im still a young teenage girl at the age of 18, and I am using the song as thinspo!? See my point?

Hmmm, aside from that, the song is sooo killer awesome!

Thinspo - stepping into the sunlight

Warmth to my heart

You guys are so amazing! Thank you for commenting and E-mailing me, I wouldn’t have gone far with the blog if it wasn’t for you!



Today is another good day! I was a very stabile on my diet yesterday and today I feel nothing like hungry what so ever! I feel light as air and fresh in mind. I overslept this morning, but screw that! I don’t care! The birds are twitting, the sun is shining and the grass is greener than before! Hehe. And no I am not on anti depressive medicine –I am just so fucking happy I sing all day.


Mmh! Eaten so far – 132g of pineapple = 45Cal and a large cup of green tea jasmine!

Don't worry..?

Yes! Finally I did something right! Today I stayed below 300Cal. All I ate was an apple, a pear and for dinner one bite of chicken and a small salad. I was at the grocery store (didn’t buy ANY sweets, even though my stomach acid burned like hell from being empty) and cocked dinner, and when I sat down to eat, I was full from the smell! Wonderful! I was so pleased with myself that I decided to go shopping tomorrow – you know; buy something pretty for myself because I did a good job on my diet. Hehe, I love shopping, I love to spend all the money that I saved from buying lunch on pretty jewelry!

I think I will end this night with a green tea mint and 200 crunches. There is nothing like doing crunches on an empty stomach!

Wow… I am seriously beginning to let this diet madness get to me… I don’t want to hurt myself… Or do I? I mean, I am slightly suicidal, but then again which teenager isn’t? Hmm… Well screw it! I wanna do crunches. I need to. If I don’t –I will get FAT! And what do I always say; Rather die than get fatter!

God. I have to stop fighting with myself, its exhausting. Good night you guys!

DAY 5, SHIT!

Yesterday I skipped the two last classes, I was so fucking depressed. I cried on my way to school and I couldn’t even stay to the end of the day.

When I came home the clock was about 12.30 and my mom was sitting in the kitchen and eating fruit. She was a bit surprised to see me but when she asked what the matter was, I just broke down in tears. We talked a bit about my mood, and she asked what was bringing me down. I didn’t have the guts to reveal my troubles just yet, so I answered –“I have no idea…” That was really a stupid thing to say. She said that it could be “The Pill’s” fault and made me promise that I would go to the doctor and ask. Well, that doesn’t fit with my diet plans. If the doctor makes a total check, I will get the it-isn’t-a-smart-way-to-lose-weight-speech… Sigh. I hate those.

Anyway, me and my mom decided to take a walk and talk about stuff. We don’t do that as often (I just got a baby-sister) anymore.

But as we walked, my stomach growled loudly. “Honey, do you wanna grab something to eat? What about sushi, my treat!” I really wanted sushi but I was almost too hungry to eat. I knew that the second the plate would be in front of me I would just swallow everything, and… Well, sushi is too expensive to just swallow.

“Ehm. What about something a little faster mom?” She looked at me and smiled.

“What about MD? Hn? It is cheap and fast, and lets be bad, just for once?” Sigh.

I broke. I broke, and I ate everything on my plate. You must understand something befor I tell you what did next though -I don’t like to make myself sick, and I don’t do it twice a day or something crazy like that… But yesterday I purged. I was just so disgusted with myself that I couldn’t hold that shit in.

Afterwards me and my mom walked and shopped in about 3 hours and I am sure everything I ate (I had only eaten that Mac Donald’s meal, and nothing the rest og the day) is gone.

Gez, I feel so good that I just got rid of all that toxic crap I ate!

Today I have had a cup of green tea, one apple and half a pear so far. Oh and water! Hehe.

I am so proud of myself, I don’t even feel hungry, and by the way – I lost 2 pounds this morning ;)

It sure is a good day to be thin!

Disapper?

Do you ever wish you could just run away? -Away from school, away from friends, family, away from all the responsibility… Away from the numbers on the scale? I do. Every single day.

I feel so alone with my suffering. But even though I feel lonely, I don’t want people to notice me. I don’t want my friends to talk to me, or my mom to hug me. I just want to be alone.

Right now one of my friends is sitting beside me - she's eating nuts. Every time she chews I can hear the crunching noise, and it sounds like a thunderstorm. I can’t hear the teacher anymore
-Only the earth-quaking noise of the almonds which is crushed between her teeth. It is driving me mad. I wish I could just choke her, grab her by the throat and shake her, right here in the class room and make her be quiet!!

Finally, she’s done. The plastic bag is empty and now she is rustling it.
I haven’t eaten yet, and I am sooo hungry…

Sorry for being so melodramatic. But all I can think of is food. I am cold, worn-out and hungry…

That's why!

I am so hungry, and I might do something rash. There is some 85% dark chocolate in the kitchen, and I am about to break, so now I am going to write a list for ALL the reasons why I want to be skinny and NOT eat that stupid chocolate.


I want to lose weight because:

1. I could fit all the outfits that I adore.

2. My boobs would be even perkier and round and I wouldn’t have to wear a bra all the time.

3. I could wear a pair of skinny jeans and a top without the fear of getting love-handles and pregnant-tummy.

4. I would be able to run faster without all the extra pounds.

5. My arms wouldn’t wobble when I weave.

6. Everybody is goanna say that I look good and whisper behind my back “I can’t believe she did it!”

7. I would look graceful and pretty in everything I wear!

8. I wouldn’t be ashamed of wearing a bikini.

9. All my fat wouldn’t wobble when I have sex with my boyfriend, I would finally be confident enough to be on top because my belly would be gone.

10. Everybody would be SO envy me and my good looks! HAHA

11. My mom would finally accept me and be proud of me.

12. People are goanna say: “Wow, you are really getting thin, you should eat something.”

13. I would be beautiful and happy.

14. I would have shown the entire world that I have control over the food, and that food isn’t my life!

15. I would be called “the model”.

16. I would finally love myself…

17. I could give modeling a shot.

18. I would feel good because I would be the skinniest girl in the class!

19. People, who saw me at my fattest, would go like: “woaw, look at her, she really changed!”

20. I would rather die than gain another pound!!

Hmm, doing good

I woke up 9 o’clock today. Felt dizzy and had stomach pains. I had purged 3 o’clock in the morning and my complete intake was about 479Kcal yesterday. I don’t know why, but I feel a slight relief that I got sick and all the food isn’t rotting in my intestines right now, but I know that if I am doing good in my diet I am failing in something else.

God, sometimes it scares me to think about what a freak I am. I think I am falling back in my old habits and that is a bad sign.

I am dropping weight, but I still don’t look like I am having trouble eating. My boyfriend (who I live together with) knows my everyday struggle with weight, but he doesn’t know how bad it is. He doesn’t know I cried yesterday because I couldn’t find the carrot-peeler (how many does THAT?) and that I was so hungry that I fainted four days ago. I allow him to read bits and pieces of my blog, but not all of it, far from it. I don’t want him to read all the depressing and self-loathing things and think I am a total nutcase. Today I ate so far: 200g of pineapple at 9.30 and that’s about 110Calories. I also drank two cups of laxative tea and a bottle of water. According to the ABC-boot camp I can eat 500Kcal today… Weeh… Sigh, I don’t wanna eat anything more today, even though my stomach is already eating my spine, I just don’t feel like eating.

Sex & sushi

Wow, first breathtaking sex with my wonderful sexy boyfriend -then 9 pieces of sushi (there is like 23oKcal all in all?! And it is healthy! I love that shit), and then sex again.
Mmm, I really freaking love the two s'es, heh, its moment like these that make my life worth living.

In 30g of sushi there's like40Kcal in!! Okay not in the California rolls (stay clear of them, there's mayo in.) but in all the maki’s and nigri's there is a ton of vitamin and the only "bad" thing is the rice. But I always eat half the rice and then all the fish. Oh and the wasabi and ginger is helping to raise your metabolism and packed with vitamin C. There is really not one bad thing to say about sushi… Well except tuna contains a lot of heavy metals and the tuna fish is almost extinct because of the overfishing and the sushi trend…
Okay, it isn’t “the best thing” for the earth and the tuna, but I must say I love it! Hehe.

But I am goanna go to bed and lay in T's arms before he travels to Turky for a week... Sigh... Night guys :D

My favorite thinspo fotos

I don't know why these pictures help me to maintain control. I don’t know why I spend hours and hours starring at half naked skinny girls.

I don’t know why I am so fucked up.

Life sucks

Oh my god you guys, I cried so hard last night.

I have no idea what is wrong with me! I feel sad and broken, but at the same time I feel sedated. -Completely num in my entire being.
I wonder why I'm feeling so low at the moment. I mean I have everything I “need”. All the basic-needs are covered. And I have a sweet family, a wonderful boyfriend, nice friends and money enough. But I am still miserable!

It’s like all the bad things in my life just weigh more than all the good stuff in the end. You know?


I am sure somewhere in the world there's a girl who would kill to be me, just like I would kill to be somebody else, and I feel so selfish for crying my eyes out over my stupid perfect life. I wish I could quit whining and snap out of it. But I seem to be stuck in this illogical hell.

Right now I’m in school. I can’t really concentrate (I wonder why, you are blogging).
After last night’s weighing I decided to go off the “healthy” diet (NOT coming anywhere with that piece of sh*t!), and go on the ABC-boot camp.
I read about it yesterday, and it seems a little naïve. If you eat absolutely nothing for 50 days you will get pretty. Hmm… Maybe, but I’m goanna binge after tree, hehe.

I hate those, you-can’t-eat-anything-diets, but they seem to work… Sigh… The basics of the ABC-diet, is that you have 50 days and every day there is a maximum of calories you can eat. It doesn’t matter what you eat, as long as the complete calorie intake of your day stays under your “maximum”.
If you would like the schedule, I have it, and I can Email it to you.

Well, later!
~Cille

late night

Just got off the weight... Put on some... Gosh I am so depressed, and tired. I dont even want to check the spelling... Fuck it anyway...

I'm hungry and tired and school/homework sucks. I wish I could just sleep and never wake up to this crappy life. (don't freak, I'm not goanna freaking kill myself and post it on the internet... I'm not a jerk.) I mean, gez, could someone cut me some slag?? Why is it I have to be miss perfect? HN?! Why do I have to suffer?! Shit dude, I am hitting rock bottom, slowly but surely.

I just wanna be thin. Is it too much to ask? I just really wanna be really thin...

My tip-top-tips

I love personal tips and tricks that you can use in your battle against the extra pounds. Over the years I have collected my fair shear of helpful tips and I thought, as allies we should exchange strategies.

So, here is my key to everyday survival.

1) Eat every 3 hours to keep your metabolism going (starving doesn’t work in the long run), and eat before your hungry. It helps prevent craving and binges.

2) DRINK WATER! You know this already, but drink up to 7L a day! DO IT, DO IT, DO IT!

3) QUIT diet coke! Yes it helps to cage your sweet tooth… Temporary. But it is a bandage on a bullet wound!

4) Work out the in a way that works for you. I hate running! I really, really, freaking hate to run. It’s boring, it’s hot, and I hate it. But on the other hand I really love to jump! On a trampoline or just to goof around to Super Chick - Supermodel. If you work out in a fun way, you can flip your hate for the gym to love in no time!

5) DO NOT GO ON THE ATKINS DIET! It is fake and dangerous! Yes people lose weight, but the only weight they lose: Is water. All the meat and protein in the Atkins diet is overloading your kidneys and it is just as dangerous as being a drunk to your lever!

6) IF you can, become a veggi-head. The very best thing you can do for your body is to become a vegetarian, the famous protein-dilemma is not the thing stopping you! There is more protein in one slice of tofu-”beef” then a normal sized egg. Truth is: I am still having trouble giving up my meat because I like it. I like the taste, I like the smell and I love the sight of a big beef on my plate at dinner time. But I also love Topshop’s dresses, and at the moment I can’t even squeeze into a size 8 in that dammed store! So… Just how much do you love meat?

7) If the cravings still are knocking on your door, write a looooong list with all the reasons for why it’s not a good idea to eat… What you want to eat. And by the way, a craving ONLY lasts about 15min. So stick it out girl!

8) Eat a spoonful of apple-vinegar. It’s really nasty, yes, but it will take away all your appetite in no time. Or brush your teeth and then take a sip of orange juice, Ew! Gone appetite, gone.

9) If you are eating out, drink tons of water before ordering, or eat something before you go to the restaurant (like a cucumber, or two apples!) it will (maybe) keep you from ordering that big juicy steak your cousin is having.

10) Don’t live to eat, eat to live. That’s bull! If you don’t enjoy your food your goanna treat food like the enemy. Food is not your enemy. THE FAT ON YOUR BODY IS! Work out, eat green and eat chocolate/cake/candy in very small doses -if you must eat it. It will help you from feeling depressed and lost because you feel the "need" for sugar. Insted of eating tree pieces of your favorite cake, eat half a piece, dont worry there is still plenty of cake out in the world and you are not missing out. heh.
That is my most important tip.

I hope you can use some of it!

~Cille

Do all skinny girls smoke?

Odd right. . . Everything that seems to kill us in this world is considered pretty or wonderful??