Gun in ma' eye

My little sis’ is crying. No screaming.
She’s 9 months old and she’s already driving me insane!
I am a really good big sister, but I have my limitations.

Normally I’m a very easygoing gal, but that baby is THE OMEN!

I HAVEN’T SLEPT IN TREE DAYS!

She’s evil! I tell ya’ EVIL!!!

God…
Last night I put my clock about 6 minutes too fast on purpose…
Just to make time go faster…
I am loosing it.

I miss my boyfriend so much its physically hurting me. I’m stuffing my face with food just to fill that hole in my heart he’d-

ARG! WOULD SOMEONE SHUT HER UP ALREADY??!!? TRYING TO FUCKING BLOG HERE!!!!!!

Freaking thank you…

Sigh...

My mind is hanging by the last string.

I’m cranky. Hungry. Tired. Fat. Pale. In pain.
Wish I’d have the money to do drugs. My life is sooo tiresome at the moment –I just need an escape.

Calorie intake today:
1 sandwitch with salami - 250
2 carrots – 40?
2 cokes – 300 (not even light? I just gave up)
70g of B&J – 100.000.000.000.000.000. Whatever
Like 1kg of dinner? – the same as B&J?

I don’t care anymore. I’m fat and a failure. Nothing can be done for me.

Put a gun in my eye?

POST 100!!!

Wauw... Never thought this bloggin' thing would stick!!
Well it sure did, and I just wanna thank all my readers and followers from stickin' with me for so long.

We are all messed up kids in the same schoolyard...
Anyhow, I am extremely proud of all of you. Wonderful people, inspirational and insightful bloggers and I’m in no doubt that you guys have an ocean of opportunities in front of you! Normally an ED blogger would tell you guys to stay strong -and I will too, but in a very different sense.

The eating disorder has occurred because it had, maybe still do, a purpose. It gave you meaning and would be a friend in dark times... But just remember... Your ED can't solve the things nagging underneath. Because I know that people perhaps find eating disordered superficial, even vain -but this isn't only about loosing weight. Maybe it never was.

I often wonder how my ED became a friend. What she did for me. And I have come to the conclution, that in my case, she was the one who was tough. She took all the negative things and transferred them onto eating habits and goals I could deal with. She still does that, but I don’t need her so much anymore.

I have come to realize I have my family, my sweet loving boyfriend and my friends to take some of my falls –or at least catch me. I don’t want her in my life ‘cause she fucks everything up when it comes to shearing me. She HATES therapy. She dislikes Thomas. She spits on my family and makes me stick my finger down my throat to “make up” for hanging out with my friends. She’s hurting me. Suffecating me in a slow but surely way. I depice her! I hate her! I wanna snap her twiggy neck right here right now! But a part of me can’t let go. What’s goanna happen? I’m goanna get fat!! I am goanna fail in every thing I do if I don’t keep her close! I don’t know what to do on my own..! Those are the terrifying thoughts that pop in my head every session I have with my therapist.

But as time passes, and I get to see all her nasty sides, I can almost imagine my future without her… Thomas and I -engaged, is the clearest picture I have without an eating disorder. And I cling on to that mental image every time she kicks me while I’m down and tells me I’m no good without her. I am not saying that as a description for all ED’ers but that’s the way I see things.

To sum up -my point is, take care. Seek help while you can. And unlike me DON’T let it haunt you for six years. An eating disorder can really fuck things up -even though it comes handy sometimes, it isn’t nearly helping as much as it destroys. Don't waste time like I did. Don't miss the small joys of life. Kiss that boy you’ve always liked, sleep in on Sundays instead of running 3 miles, love your family and talk to them... Don’t hide your pain.

Now enough of my wiseass shit... I love you guys -and I know that's lame since I never met you, but I do somehow. I just want you all to be happy…


This is by the way a piece of my diary (don't ask me why it's in english -just feels natural to me). I sketch my thoughts and try to capture what's going on in my head. To kinda save it for later or maybe even one day show my boyfriend.

>Not at great sketcher - but not horrorble either<

Thats me talking to my ED. We are arguing about treatment and Thomas -aka Thomsen.

Sorry for grammar and all that! I don't have the wonder of spelling control in my head.

Click to enlarge

Love Cille

Life gives me lemons

... At the moment.

So listen to my terrific morning -she said. Her voice thick with sarcasm.
Lately I'm having trouble sleeping, so I when to bed at like 4.23 pm or whatever, and was planning to get up at 6 so I could get ready for school. I wake up and snooze the darn thing. I just felt so tired. Fell lightly asleep (the kinda sleep you know you goanna wake up from soon) and after a while I woke to check the time -it suddenly felt like a lot of snoozing! I look at the timer and it is passed 8!! FUCK! I think to myself "fuck it anyway, I need sleep to function..." Even though I feel a small spike of guild in the pit of my stomach I close my eyes.

So I fall asleep for the last time, and my mom (god bless her by the way) asks me why I’m not getting ready for school. I yell at her and say that it's too late! I overslept! Game over! She looks at me and sighs... No? It's like 7.30?

(Confused that I can mistake an entire hour? Well winter time is upon us… So I sat my clock an hour forward… Unfortunately my clever high-tech phone already did that -all by it self, so when my alarm when off… IT WAS FUCKING FIVE IN THE FUCKING MORNING! No wonder I was so tired? I only slept 30 minutes!!!!)

My reaction must have been priceless. "WHAT!?" In that word I fall out of the bed -face first.

Never the less I get dressed like a tornado. Got some basic make up on and zipped my new boots. I was on my way.

I asked my step-dad if I could borrow his bike ('cause my mom's bike is stolen and mine is.. Well.. Not here.) He said "sure." I said "great"...

Ran down to fetch the bike from the basement (which it's quite hard with 6 inch stilettos) got the stupid bike and I was READY! Still 10 minutes on the clock -I could just make it!

But here's the thing; my step-dad's bike is a man-bike. You cannot, I repeat, YOU CANNOT go on board on this bike like a lady. You have to swing your god damn leg backwards like a russian ballerina to even get on that crap ass bike!!! Shit! But I managed...

Hard parts over… Right? WONG! Even with my highest shoes I can't reach the fucking ground... I try to break. I can't. I panic. The bike is rolling on to the road. FEAR! Ice cold fear strikes me. I try to get off. Can't. Falling.

So I fell. With my new shoes. They are so messed up now! How am I EVER goanna get them clean!??!?! Scratches everywhere!!!

Oh... And by the way. I broke my foot in the process. Jep… Fucking BROKE my god damn foot...

Fucking fantastic. Life gives me lemons an' I suck RIGHT into them!!!

Ouch...

Ah, to be honest I haven’t seen the doctor yet but my mom says it might be worse than it look. I don’t hope so… Otherwise I can’t wear my new boots!!

Just for the record -my mom is an angel. When she saw me in the doorway with black mascara smudged around my tear-filled eyes and holding my left boot in the hand, all she did was help me in and stroke my hair… While I cried my eyes out over nothing.

And I don't cry so often...

I don’t know… I just feel extremely delicate at the moment. Like all my skin is burned off and left my nerves exposed. Everything gets to me. EVERYTHING! My mom ran down to 7-11 and got me a magazine, some coke zero and diet candy… = Angel.

Love Cille

Btw

Boots... Mmmh.

Asos ring

Topshop "pannis"

fake eyelashes from lash art -newyears ;)


My shoppings from today and the asos stuff. Not the dresses though, they are coming in a day or so.

Love Cille<3

Dark side

Fuck....
Binged -> purged -> binged -> purged -> binged -> purged...

Welcome back to the dark side darling... We missed you!

Sigh... No cleanse till tomorrow I guess.

Fuck, fuck, FUCK!

The letter is W

Wanna hear something bizarre? I haven't big binged since... I don't remember when! I mean I still purge a lot in the eyes of a "normal" person -but... Nothing crazy. I was, at my worst, purging 6 times a day. But now it’s perhaps 3 time a week… I think it’s because I live with my mom and she’s around a lot. I don’t wanna freak her out with my eating disorder. I’m eating less and exercising more though. And going on a cleanse on Monday if I can get away with it. I want to look really hot when Thomsen comes home. I want him to act all confused and cute when he sees me in only underwear. I want to be on top with a clear conscience. Mm. So back to the point, I was hardcore bulimic but not it’s more like… Anorexic tendencies?



... I'm sad... I wanna cry. I have no idea why I just feel like it... Great here comes the waterworks... Shit.

Lonely heart

Thomas come home to me...

I'm 126.4lbs today...

Had today so far:
4 mandarins, 100g of almonds and 1 unsalted low/non fat "grilled " without grease -beef (179g).

Not hungry at all, but I know this day is goanna end badly. We got guests coming over any minut now and my mother baked chocolate pie and buns... Sigh.

Pray for my nonexistent willpower.

Love Cille

P.s. I think I got to the problem on the blog. Tell me if anything looks weird to you ;)

Fixed NOTHING?!

God... Why? I can't fix that stupid piece of crap!!!! Arh!! Stupid son of a bitch! Fuck! ARG!
Please help if you know how!


Sight. Woke up late -really late. It was already passed noon. I went to the gym for one hour. I was so, sooo sore in all my mussels from yesterdays workout -but never the less I managed to complete most of the program in that hour. I came home to my mother and she made me a big salad.
Other than that I ate: 2 mandarins, 1 orange, 3 pieces of wholegrain homemade bread with some butter (sorry -I slipped), 50g of raw nuts, cheese (again sorry) and that was it.

I feel okay about what I ate and how much fat I burned. Well… Not completely satisfied, but you know… I just got hit with a terrifying epiphany!! STAY AWAY FROM SALT!! I always knew that salt binds water and therefore holds the water weight, but I never knew just how dangerous salt is for your body! Listen to this; the Danish eats the doubled amount of salt of what good for them!! Table salt destroys your ability to burn fat!! of course normal salt in non-processed foods don’t do that. Example veggies, fruits, raw nuts, mushrooms and so on. But the salt in fast food, pasta, rice, bread and everything we “cook” is filled with unhealthy salt?! I am goanna stay away from salt from now on. Not all salts in the world though, as that would pretty much lead me to my death, but all the unhealthy crap we fill our bodies with!

No more seasoning with table salt! No more pasta, rice and bread since they are stuffed with carbohydrates anyway.

Jep so that’s the plan.

Rid all that gross salt from my body and load myself up with pure healthy stuff instead.

Love Cille

Bitter -but Yeay me!!

I think I did it? I mean fixed the thing? Does it all look good to you guys?

Anyhow. I went to the gym today! For two hours, and I now feel really good about myself. I had a personal trainer who looked like a goddess! She was so beautiful… Perfect live thinspo. So I really pushed myself to the limit. Pouring sweat like a fountain!
Of cause I ate all night –mostly nuts and raisins. No dinner. I have willpower like jelly.
I can’t feel the pain yet, but I think I’m goanna tomorrow ;)

Feeling good and love you all!!!

Hm.

WTF? Something is very wrong on the blog? The sidebar is fucking up?! Sorry for the mess!
Do any of you guys know the problem and how to fix it?

Follow

By the way if you wanna see some pic's and follow my life a little closer you're warmly welcome to follw me on Facebook (Cecilie Alisa Pedersen) or Twitter (Cille_alisa) -just remember to say you're from my blog so I know how you are.

WARNING though! My pictures on facebook are... flat out gross. My weight goes up and down -and that shows!!! EW!

But anyway, it's the truth :)

Love Cille

Vodka an' soda

I am.... Hmmm... Hungover. Went for a friendly drink with my friend and ended up with 3 vodka/club soda + 2 coke zero/rum + 2 bottle beers... Sounds somewhat harmless right? WRONG! I was so wasted I sweet talked some guy just to make myself feel better (the whole missing boyfriend thing). He took it the wrong way and asked for my number. I gave him a fake. I just wanted to hear him tell me how good I looked and stuff, not anything serious (ekspecilly 'cause I love Thomas)! Anyway, went home and quite literally smacked the door in his face. Heh. I am a horrorble person.

So all in all I only broke my fast with alcohol and one para-nut. Quite proud of myself. AND I walked around in the mall (trying jeans and dresses) for FOUR hours!! wups.. I also had an non-fat iceblend in the mall... Whatever! Still proud ;)

I can't really show you what I bought just yet, my cam is down at the moment... (dropped it on the floor :s)
But I got a dress -totally cute! But I have no use for it so I'm goanna return it. A ring -also cute. And then I got some underwear inc. some stocking. So nothing much just that little thing of the day :)

Love Cille

Potato - potato

Awww... Thanks you guys... Sniff. It's so sweet of you to send me support :)

Never the less a new day is dawnig. I am feeling much much better today. Still missing my boyfriend, of cause, but I'm getting use to being alone.

I binged like a pig yesterday. 1 bag of Dumle + 2 bags of nuts 500g (?) + 500g of beef (cooked) + 120g of squash + 5 biscuits with chocolate. I am so nasty when I get into the binge spiral. Eat, puke and eat again until I feel like fainting.

Today I’m fasting! No solids. Just lemon water, coke zero, coffee and perhaps a smoothie for “lunch” if I’m good.

I’m going shopping today. I NEED more clothes!! I have like a zillion outfits but nothing to wear –you know? Heh. It’s silly, and I know I just spend a fortune on Asos.com, but its just inching in my fingers to get to a dressing room! I can’t handle money! Thank god for lucking down my saving! I’m going to H&M, Topshop and Mango. They always have something pretty at a reasonable price. Goanna show you what I bought (if I find any) later<3

Adore you all ladies!!! ;) Keep sending those positive thoughts my way, and I’ll do the same!

Love Cille

Sunny day

Swell day. I'm horny.... Heh I know that’s a little odd to type that, but I always use sex as an escape from hunger or pain. But since Thomas is in China, I am left unsatisfied. I miss him so so much.

Ate today:
salmon salad (400g) that’s like 500 calories?
And one mandarin 20 calories I guess.

Nothing bad. No dinner or breakfast just lunch and I went for a run after.

Oh and swung by the Milestone for some intro stuff. I hate to point it out, but I was one of the thinnest girls there -and I'm not even underweight (my BMI is 21.2 or something). It wasn't as bad as I imagined.


Love Cille<3

Aham...

By the way I'm already 129. Sick right?? All I did was just purging EVERYTHING I ate. Gross -yes. Freakishly effective -HELL YEAH!! Just thought I would mention it.






<3

insideout

I feel like I'm swelling up inside. I feel like I'm overflowing with pain and sorrow. I'm hurting. Suffocating in air. I feel like someone ripped my heart out and left me to die. Slow and painfully. This day has sucked. Both in ED world -and in the real one. I ate too much. Drank too little. Cried and sopped. School is killing me. Homework mostly but even to be in that darn classroom is agonizing.

Listening to the cardigans “And Then You Kissed Me”. Wonderful song. YouTube it. Seriously.

You're a nightmare beating the dawn...

I feel……………. Nothing. Empty and full. And empty again. I fill the hole in my heart with food. And then I purged it -‘cause that’s easier than dealing with all the concealed pain. Upside down, an’ inside out. Killing me softly. Not really. Killing me gradually. That’s more fitting. (Who’s killing you?) Well I’ll tell you, voice in my head, everything and nothing at all.

Sorry I’m tired and I just felt like… Writing.

Night<3

Huuuungry......... Just ate a piece of bread with nothing... But I'm soooo hungry. (JUST EAT BITCH!) Ugh?? I feel like shit today. Properly because I have school and I don't wanna be there. Stress.

Love you all an' talk to you later guys :)

<3 Cille

Weekend from hell!!

So my grandmother lives on this tiny island, along with 300 other people. The entire family was gathered to spend her 77 years birthday.

She makes the best Danish food in the universe. Of cause I hate her food because everything has either: grease, meat or sugar in it!! God! And she’s always pushing me into taking another plate? Why? I’m not that thin and my cousin weighs like 90lbs!

Okay, so we are sitting around the table, eating, when aunt says something like: “Oh, Cille! You’r getting so tiny!” -Which is totally wrong since I just put on 10lbs! (Don’t you guys just hate when people lie to your face like that?) “Have some more beef. And why aren’t you eating the sauce? You used to love granny's sauce!?” Yada yada yada, I saied: “Oh… You know a girl goatta watch her figure… (Saied the eating disordered ha-ha-hah…)” And then… My scrawny cousin looks up and sais: “Ha! Not me. I couldn’t gain even if I tried to! Blessed with a high metabolism I guess!!” And smiles at me… God. How I wanted to snap that petite neck of hers!

Anyhow, I just ate a little more and then threw up. Repeat at dessert. I hate them all. It’s sad but I do. I’ve always liked being AWAY from family, they make everything difficult and complicated ‘cause “they love you, and just want to help” with everything. The only piece of family I can stand being around for more than four days, is my mom. She’s funny and not so deep. I mean she’s smart alright, but she doesn’t poke her nose in my business. And she doesn’t bug me about my ED even though I’ve told her bits and pieces about it.

Back to the island. My intention was to eat dinner and then get out as fast as possible. But this island is so insignificant, that the bus that takes people from the harbor to the city only goes twice a day! This fact slipped my mind. So when I looked at the clock and was packing my stuff, my granny says that I can’t get off the island!!!!!! Horror!!! Of cause I could sleep on the attic... Freaking creepy. So I spend the night, shivering with cold and trying to remember ghosts aren’t real!!

Now I’m home again. Tired and lazy today. Ate two pieces of wholegrain bred (Rugbrød on Danish!!) with turkey for breakfast –and some M&M’s when I got home. Purged. I’m starving now!! What to eat? I want to eat something gross and greasy and purge, but my teeth are actually getting quite sore from all the stomach acid… Ew. I know. Going to bleach them next week at the dentists.

So thats about it I guess. I miss my boyfriend so insanely!! I'm not made for being without him. Heh. And by the way, thanks for commenting ;)

You know I love it!!

All the best from chilly DKK <3

Cille

Coma.

Ugh!! Ate the entire frigde today!!! I am now officially 132.28. HOW THE FRICK DID I JUST GAIN 10lbs??????????? Cause' god hates me.... Jep....

Went to the gym today, I almost live there these days, 2977 calories burned... Good good. Spend like 400 bucks on Asos.com. The two most insane designer dresses, two rings, some make up from Benefit/Paul & Joe, a pair of short platform boots and a pair of killer tights!! All seen below!

OM fucking G!! I just couldn't go on without that Sass & Bide dress!! Looks like angel wings<3

Couldn't resist the same model (ring) in green too....

pic's of me.....

So...

So help me god I'm so fat.... I have like fat hipbones? How can that even be possible? Fat fat fat! I'm feeling low today. Low and fat! I feel wrong and dirty, it's hard to explain, but I feel really wrong in my body today... I have like the hugest ribcage... And yes I'm sucking it all in... I had to stop myself photoshopping the entire shit... God, I hate it. I feel disgusted even putting this up, but it's only fair you guys know the truth. I AM FAT! Don't pay any attention to my great pieces of advice, 'cause if they worked I wouldn't look like this...

I'm just sad Thomas is leaving. Planning a binge.

I don't even give a damn about spelling right now... Sigh.

Cille<3

Oh, by the way, The Milestone just called. I'm goanna go into treatment in two FREAKING months?!?!?!??!?!?!?!??! WTF? How did that happen? Oh, a paperwork error? Yes we told you 10 months but now its like two-tree!!! Shit, I'm screwed sideways!!

Help...

Tribute

(Click to enlarge)

A little thinspo tribute to all ma skinny-ass-bitch-followers ;)

I adore you all <3

Alli??

Okay so the "new" diet pill, Alli, has arrived to Denmark.
A pill that makes your body resistant to fat. In other words, you shit your guts out if you eat fat, which sound great! I mean, I'm bulimic so laxatives isn't anything new to me, but I'm really concerned... I heard that people loose like 5kg in one week on that shit, but... Normally I restrict but what about binges? That’s goanna hurt! That’s the only downside to me so I guess I'm goanna buy the pills tomorrow. Have any of you guys tried Alli?

So today I'm having a good day, even though I have my period and my boyfriend is leaving for China tomorrow (his flight was moved). The sun is shining, birds tweeting and I feel good. Somewhat good that is. A little sad, but nothing suicidal heh. I ate a small bowl, no okay, a big bowl of cocopops with skim milk -I don't know why, but I don't have that fear of diary that most ED's have. Hm. But I also had a big cup of green tea and 3 glasses of water. I can't really stick to the SSPO. I want to eat like a happy pig when I'm with Thomas, so he doesn't worry when he's in China. Even though I'm planning a diet-frenzy in the month he's gone. 5oo cals a day, 2hours of gym and diet pills. Wonderland for a bulimic!

I don't care about getting better anymore. I just don't. I wanna lose weigh! And it's the only thing I really want! So to quote THIN: "Even if it takes dying to get there!"
All that crap about recovery! Fuck it! It's bullshit anyway. I can't get better, I just can't! So to spare myself the disappointment, I quit. Sigh.